sisinyasisi

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Kayaknya aku salah pilih

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I hate him

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Kita berdua itu kayak minyak.

Kalau ada api, kita berdua yang makin membuat api itu menjalar, jadi membara makin besar.

Ngga ada yang berperan sebagai anduk basah untuk madamin api. Aku bisa aja sih, tapi kalau konteksnya "kita", aku lebih cenderung ingin jadi minyak aja.

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Kalau dipikir-pikir, aneh juga tulisan-tulisanku ngga menggambarkan orang yang mau nikah dalam 21 hari

[sisinyasisi]

Its kind of saddening knowing that I hide my safe space to everyone thats close to me.

But I care so much about my reputation and how people perceive me so theres no way I would let them have access to my tumblr or 2nd account instagram when I constantly & casually ranting and think of dying, and rarely posting about any good stuff. And then assume that I am out of my mind (which most of the time is true anyways, but lets not make it a fact). Lol.

But I let him in, eventually, I let him know there is a space. Where I rant and I write. I rant in my writing.

Oh, it was not one, but two.

I told him about both.

But I dont think he thinks that it was such a big deal.

Im not even sure he still knows this exist here or not.

Its funny that you have someone you think you will love your whole life, but then you keep doubting if he will ever really support your life.

Like, even the little things and now big things, I keep on doubting if he can ever, like, be available, emotionally.

I keep on doubting his capability to really be present, emotionally available.

I dont know if I was the handicapped one. I guess I truly lost sight of whats normal and whats not a long time ago.

Now whats left is I keep on doubting him.

Do I really love him? Or is this just some spark of romance that will be gone as soon as the reception party is finished.

But truly, I guess I would have wished he had forgotten about all my safe places, cause if he ever access either ones, I guess he would have his heart crushed.

Im deeply sorry.

What is love anyway?

[sisinyasisi]

Kadang rasanya sayang dan suka banget sama ini orang. Tapi ada masanya juga rasanya benci dan ngga suka banget sama ini orang.

Kadang merasa kita itu seperti pagi dan malam, seringnya ngga bertemu, bertemu cuman pas subuh dan senja. Kita banyak bedanya daripada samanya. Kita banyak berantemnya daripada kompaknya.

Dia tipikal yang tidak banyak bicara. Aku tipe yang haus validasi. Dia tipikal yang suka sederhana aja. Aku tipikal yang YOLO. Dia tipikal yang penting efisien. Aku yang tipikal semua harus pretty dan aesthetic. Dia tipikal yang penting ada. Aku tipikal yang semua harus sempurna, because Im super perfectionist to the point that its like OCD.

To be honest, I some times---lot of times, questioning this marriage. Like am I being too rushy? If this was the only marriage Ill ever do my whole life, do I really want this? Do I think I will be able to, like, spend my whole life and wake up next to him everyday?

Even thinking about us arguing about things that one of us like is already tiring me and make me feel like giving up.

But knowing that cancelling everything will send my parents directly to ER for heart attack, Im not being too rushy on that as well.

[sisinyasisi]

Dalam beberapa hari mungkin jadi pertama kalinya menemukan rasa damai dari orang asing.

Mendengarkan tapi tidak menghakimi. Memberi saran tanpa mesti memaksa.

Tapi kendatinya memang itu profesinya.

Cobalah merasakan seutuhnya, apa yang dirasakan diri, dicari akarnya, dan dicari damainya..

Nangis boleh, marah boleh, apa yang terjadi tidak sepenuhnya salahmu..

[sisinyasisi]

Katanya, "harap bersabar ini ujian"

Tapi, kalau notabene ujian, berarti ada yang namanya lulus, remedial, atau ngga lulus.

Memang pada dasarnya ngga semua orang mesti lulus ujian.

Maksudnya. Ngga semua orang ditakdirkan untuk lulus ujian.

Some are doomed to fail. Some can barely passed. Some graciously passed.

Mungkin konsep yang sama berlaku disini.

Mungkin seperti kisah indah lainnya, pada akhirnya juga. Bisa indah, bisa sedih, bisa ngenes banget.

Mungkin bagiku juga ini akhirnya.

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Funny was that, I guess I'm too used to listening to the sound of your motorcycle driving to my house. And now, Im listening to each and every sound, while hoping one of it was yours.

I guess I am stupid till the very end.

[sisinyasisi]

Terlalu banyak perbedaan sampai dibuat bingung apakah ini ujian atau pertanda.

Apakah ini tanda untuk terus berjuang atau tanda untuk mundur perlahan.

We are both very different human.

Sepertinya bahkan pada hal-hal fundamental kami berbeda.

The kind of future we imagine are different.

Moreover, we grow up in a very different situation, families, ethics, cities, culture.

This made us unable to fully understand one another for our own mindset and about things we appreciate or dislike.

We love each other, we do. But does our love is enough to suffice all the differences?

Even in the little things.

Selera musik kami berbeda, selera makanan kami berbeda, selera berpakaian kami berbeda, hobi kami berbeda, selera film kami berbeda.

I guess its easier to name our differences than to name our similarity.

Whats sad is that I wish I was wrong all the time. But then it was proven to be correct everytime.

[sisinyasisi]

I just ruined the most beautiful thing in my life to the point of no return.

I dont know what will be of us.

I am breaking his heart.

And my heart breaks along.

Maybe us was too fragile. Or maybe it was me painting the fence black, as even I was struggling with myself.

I feel like the zoe to ted.

Even my insanity in the end ruined everything, even his strong will.

He is making me sad. And I hurt him to compensate it.

I was recalling the moments we spent together these past years as the song that was a hit when we first dated played in the radio, much to my heart despair.

I feel my world crumbling.

I just couldnt save you tonight

I just couldnt save us tonight

The song keeps playing...

[sisinyasisi]

I guess its weird to write this in a readerless platform.

I aint writing this to seek help. I just want to write, thats all. Maybe its going to help me. Or maybe its going to drown me. Both doesnt matter.

I dont know how to start.

But, really, I dont know how I should live my life.

How I should react upon sadness, or dissappointment.

Everytime my heart ache and world turns upside down, I always have the urgency to hurt my self--which somehow may lead to.... you know.. disappearing.

I would think of jumping of the roof.

I would think of jumping of a moving motorcycle in the middle of the road.

I would think of walk in front of a moving train.

Or in front of a moving car.

I would think of cutting myself.

I would think of scrapping myself.

One thing I didnt think of was drowning, cause I am scared of drowning and deep deep deep dark water and endless sea. If I ever overcome that fear, I guess drowning doesnt look so bad.

He said its weird for me to have that kind of thoughts. And to not think about it.

Its kind of nice how everytime I think of an attempt, I got reminded of my mom's face, or his face, or how maybe once I attempted it... I can never come back.

So its like a glimpse of light in the endless dark tunnel, that even in my darkest moments, I still think of grasping that tiny little light. Of hope.

That even in that moment, I still believe in heaven and hell.

Its nice to think that, even when I want to die and kill myself. Something keeps a hold of me.

I honestly dont know if I should seek any help. I dont know if what I am feeling was even valid. This endless exhaustion of being alive. Which I know, instead, should be appreciated. I mean, not everyone can breathe fresh air.

But I just.. dont know.

You can call me selfish. Or being a bitch about stuff. Or petty about life. But I do want to die, a lot of times, even when people say I am having a great life. Or 'supposed' to be.

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I AM ENGAGED!!!

Not sure why I am posting this here.

This is supposed to be a secret but I just want to share, one of my happiest moment here.

Well, since no one reads my blog. Not even him--yet. I think I just randomly post things here, thinking this will be my safe place.

So yes! I am now an engaged woman. A ring on my left finger.

This is one of the most bizzare yet exciting yet I dont know, go put in all the good words you can think of. Beautiful. Magical. Whatever. And ofcourse, even when I am lacking sleep, I didnt feel tired.

Even when I didnt eat anything for breakfast.

Even when I stood on my heels for hours.

Even when the make up artist dropped my eye contact to her foot.

Nothing wipes the smile of my face.

It was the day I chose blue over pink.

It was the day I chose wearing something I have instead of buying new ones.

It means a lot.

And all because of, him.

So I am not sure, what will be in the future.

I guess it was not gonna be blue over pink anymore. But it may be some thing even more crazy, unthinkable, and bizzare.

But I look forward to it... sincerely.

Upd.

Just realized its the first time I posted my hands without covering it with paint! Aint that a good sign???💖

[sisinyasisi]

There are some things, no matter how you try to make peace with yourself, will you regret. That sunny blue sky umbrella you were longing to have since the first time internet come to your life but then refused to buy when it is in front of your eyes because you think you needed to save money but then you didnt really have to save money.

That moment when you should have admit your magnificent work of writing a manuscript by your own for a class drama and get appreciated but was to shy to admit--cause then maybe you would have more courage to take the route as a writer. That expression you made on someone's face when you do/said something wrong and you just know it breaks their heart. Moments of awkward socialization. Being more serious on your art lessons. Or even being more serious during collage so maybe you can land on a slightly better job.

These things, no matter how much you mourn for it, reconcile for it, it will continue to haunt you for the rest of your life. We all made bad decisions. A lot of it. Definitely.

But one thing I have come to realize. Or just re-realize it.

Believe, that Allah is the best script writer of all, everything is written by Him, and He knows what best for us even when we doesnt.

So maybe. Just maybe. It all looks like a bad decisions because we are not yet far enough to see the bigger picture. We are not yet to realize that what we have been through, what He made us choose, is the best scenario that the world has to offer to us.

Believe. All we have to do is believe. And the next thing is, repeat in your head, and then your heart.

Syukur. Syukur. Syukur. And move forward.

Maybe not now, maybe not today, or not tomorrow, those nightmares will may still haunt you until an unknown period, but then one day it will be just a friend that can walks by you, who made you the person you are--a strong one, and it make your feet pounds faster on the ground.

[sisinyasisi]

Bubu's birthday week

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Vaccinated!

Jakarta, 7 April 2021

Not really posting things in order of the events but here I am! Life has been getting the best of me and I havent been able to pick up a brush nor a pen much lately, thoughts has been going in and out of my mind but not really much time (and maybe the energy) to write down about it but here I am at 5 in the morning commiting to actually (re)paint something and looking down my gallery, maybe this is one of the milestones that I need to post so yes, here it is!

My second vaccine 😊

It hurts much more than the first one and we (me&nah) waited much longer but we got a free milk life (and also a free hand sanitizer) in the end which made it all worth it, yay goo freebies junkie🥰

I am not pretty sure whether I am really protected from covid now after the vaccine was put inside my body cause Ive been ill a few times lately but oh well, welcome to the club vaccine, and do your job please🥰

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Age is coming. Its catching up to you.

No matter how you try to undermine it, its catching to you, in every breath, after every second passed.

Its catching up to you, even when you pretend it doesnt.

Its catching up to you even without you realizing.

Its getting onto you. Its coming after you.

I bet it took every courage for one to say something about the future, at least if they really mean it--it wont be so easy, as no one can ensure it, anything you say about even a second after this very moment is the unsure. It was still a dream before it becomes your present.

So I know, it wasnt easy for her saying that.

"I want you to send me when I'm getting married".

Saying this.

I mean, who would be promising something so important to someone that they barely care about? About something as important as their marriage, again, I mean, if you were putting the wrong person in a very important job then your once in a lifetime wedding--something almost every girl dreams about--might be in danger. So it was definitely not something one can think so lightly about.

So then it also took me awhile to say yes.

Calculating what might be and what could be.

How will it be like?

Who would she stand side by side with?

When will it happen? 1 year from now? 2?

Where will I be on that day? Will I still be here? Will I be in a faraway city?

What will I be doing then?

And seriously, why? Why me?

Hearing that proposal actually stunned me a bit. In a very adorable way. It was such an honor and flattering--also to know that someone you care about considered you just as important. To be chosen as the bridesmaid even when the groom is not yet been decided. Funny. Cute. I smiled a little. But no one knows how warms my heart feels like for I cant smile widely, I am trying so hard to appear elegant that day, it was dung's imporant day at that.

So after we stood in silence for a while that time. I grabbed her hand and whisper "I would very much love to".

Thank you Fini.

Sincerely,