sirsemaj

[sirsemaj]

If you’re also going through a stressful time when your partner needs support, detach from your own situation. Put your own needs aside, and delve deep into the resources of your heart, soul and spirit to be the bigger person and give the love you need yourself.

[sirsemaj]

F.I.N.A.L. B.L.O.W.

“Write the vision, make it plain; that they may run and not faint. Though the vision is only for awhile it shall speak and not lie.”

“Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.”

I can’t believe I finally get to say this, but today was my official last day of having responsibilities as medical student. I knew I wanted to be a physician ever since I was 8 years old when I first picked up Gifted Hands in the Lake Park Elementary School library back in my hometown of Albany, GA. Since then, I have been on a long journey to achieve this dream and pursue something I have always been passionate about and wanted to do. I can remember all the times I spent playing in the PT/OT wing at Palmyra Medical Center while my mom finished doing paperwork and evals on her patients she saw that day. I can remember flipping through my dad’s AAPA journals that were lying on the counter top after my parents brought the mail in. I will never forget all the conversations that my parents had about the patients they saw at work and how I would get excited about what they were talking about even though I did not fully understand (also, I was a very nosey child). Now, I can have similar conversations with my parents about patients and my experiences, and it is such a beautiful thing to see how far I have come!

In less than 2 weeks, I will officially be Ernest J. Nelson Jr., M.D.! I first have to give thanks to God and how (S)He has guided my life so far. I also could not go through this journey alone, and I would be a fool to not recognize it at this point in my life. I want to thank every single person who has called me, encouraged me, prayed for me, or just told me “You will make it” “Keep pushing through” “I know you can do it”. I am so thankful for my parents and grandparents who uplifted and underscore the value of education ever since I was a toddler. They always were there to support me in anything I wanted to do in science and medicine, from Science Olympiad to Math Team to NYLF Med Forum to SMDEP to summer research programs to my medical education. I have to particularly thank my grandmother for setting up so many shadowing opportunities for me while I was in high school, even when I was being ungrateful and did not want to go. I am grateful for my brothers Evan and Elliott, who have always been my support and best friends in this life! These two have spent so much time listening to all the venting, rants, stress, and frustrations that med school can bring. I definitely have to thank all my closest friends who have been the best confidants and put in so many hours of listening to me talk (which can be a huge ordeal) about med school and everything I was going through. You guys know who you are, and I love and appreciate you all more than you will ever know. Finally, I have to thank all my patients, ESPECIALLY my African-American patients, who would pull me aside and tell me that they were so proud of me and how my presence was greatly appreciated. I understand that as an African-American male in medicine, my journey is not just for my benefit; it is for the uplift of all those who look like me, who are marginalized, and who feel slighted by the healthcare field. I understand that my presence should not be taken for granted, and I will forever be grateful to have the support of my community and my people.

Not many know this but my first year in medical school was very rough in so many areas outside of academics. I came into medical school with so many expectations of what my experience would be like and what I would do once I graduated. By the time I did several physical diagnosis sessions, I knew that direct patient care was not everything I thought it would be. I remember going to different specialty interest group meetings and shadowing in the various specialties I was thinking about going into; I left all those meetings and experiences feeling unfulfilled and lost. I began to question why I even came to medical school and whether all my efforts to get there over the last 10+ years were in vain. I had a sense of numbness and apathy to studying and working that I never had before. I felt like I was going through the motions and I was not as engaged as my classmates. These feelings then transformed into thoughts and feeling like I did not belong. I felt very lonely and I honestly did not make many friends at school during my M1 Year. I was also going back to Atlanta every chance I could get, and I clung on to the safety net of my past life in college. I isolated myself from so many people, even those who were actively trying to help. I was sinking and honestly did not want to be saved.

However, one faithful day I heard an announcement in class by Dr. Greer Falls that a new organization was starting up; it was called the Pathology Careers Interest Group. I went to the meeting, the only M1 in my class to attend, and my life was changed. I left that meeting feeling like I had access to a brand new world with innumerable opportunities. For the first time in medical school, I felt inspired and like I had a purpose again. I found it amazingly odd how I had no clue about a specialty that truly fit most of my interests and personality so well. After that meeting, I delved deep into the world of pathology and learned as much as I could about the specialty. From my newfound love for histology during M1 Year to my various experiences with basic science research in undergrad to my interests in neuroscience, I just knew that pathology was for me.

Despite finding a specialty that truly encapsulated nearly all my interests, I still felt alone and very different from my classmates. Most medical students and physicians don’t know much about Pathology as a specialty and are not the most fond of it. I had many people not be genuinely excited for me or understand why I wanted to go into pathology. I had many conversations with attendings, faculty, and residents that left me feeling like I was not supported and that my endeavors were not being taken seriously. However, those conversations forced me to build-up my self-confidence and reinforced the personal love and desire to do what I wanted to do. I also am so thankful for the support of various pathologists and other physicians I have met over the last 4 years, especially my advisor Dr. Natasha Savage! Because of her and many others who supported me, I know that no matter how strange/unconventional my pursuits may seem and I do not truly need anyone to validate me. I hope to one day become a forensic neuropathologist and pursue all the opportunities that this field can bring not just in medicine, but also in public health, policy, and research.

My journey through med school speaks to the ideal that even though plans may change drastically, that is never a reason to abandon the goals you set and the dreams you dream. I am so grateful for the gifts resiliency and perseverance that God has bestowed on my life and spirit. I am very grateful to have received my medical education from the Medical College of Georgia and all the experiences I have had over the last 4 years. I also have to shout out my father, who went to this institution over 20 years before me and who blazed a trail for me so that it would not be as formidable a journey. This accomplishment is the fulfillment of a dream deferred for my father and the rest of my family, and I cannot wait to celebrate with them all!!!

So after all the classes, late nights and early mornings of studying, quizzes, exams, Step 1 & 2, rotations, shelf exams, and applying to residency, I have finally made it to the end of this last chapter of my education! I am looking forward to moving to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and beginning residency in Pathology at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania! Again, thank you to everyone who went on this journey with me, and I hope you will hang in there with me for residency!

[sirsemaj]

You know, it's a hard pill to swallow When they tell you you strange You ain't hot Then in the blink of an eye They got on what you got That means I'm a boss

my cool big sister

[sirsemaj]

C.O.C.O.O.N.

(Disclaimer: this is my first post in months; grateful to be inspired to write again)

There was a time not too long ago when I thought I would not be where I am today...

I robbed myself of the biggest dreams and isolated myself from all who cared...

I lost my sense of self and believed that my life’s biggest aspiration was a huge misguided waste of time...

However I am so grateful today that I carved a new path and took time to rebuild who I am...

These past few months have been the pay off and I honestly feel proud of myself again...

I feel the wind beneath my feet...

I know that I can go anywhere...

I find myself dreaming of breaking down barriers and being the change I want to see in my life and others...

Yes, I have my fears, but they no longer ensnare me...

No longer afraid of failing and not being loved...

No longer worried about who has hurt me or let me down...

I have fallen in love with myself and in turn allowed myself to be loved...

And as if things couldn’t get better, I regained the one man who I truly loved... 

I lost him twice, so hopefully the third time is the charm...

I see my future in him and his future in mine...

If it works out, it will be a miracle that speaks to the magic of love...

However, if it does not, at least I know I tried, and really gave it my all...

This past year has been transformative for me all around...

Old wounds have healed and I have let the light back into my life...

Better days are on the horizon and everything I denied myself will soon come true...

To this day, I look at my last few months in college as a stumble across the finish line that everyone else felt like was a great feat...

Unlike then, I am so proud of myself and excited for my next journey in life...

I wake up each day wanting to finish strong and not give up...

I rise each morning ready to fly...

[sirsemaj]

Feelin myself... #BlackBoyMagic

[sirsemaj]

Revisiting Heartache (P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L.)

Right now, I’m wondering why you text me out of the blue...

What moment caused you to think of me...

I don’t miss you but I often configure what we could have been in my mind...

You see, the potential is still there...

It is the spark that never went out...

It is that flicker of light that allows me to wander to the back of my mind & search for an explanation where there is none...

-----

“Why don’t you love me back?”

This inquiry is imprinted on my lips...

I no longer have to speak to ask you this question...

I see the beginning of the answer in your eyes when I stare hard enough...

Before, I was blind and deaf to your true intentions...

I floundered around in the void, fighting to get to where you were...

In darkness and silence, I embraced this idea of worthlessness...

I could no longer tell the night from day, I lost so much sleep...

I was a shadow of myself...

I fell a part continually for months, and you went on to live your life...

You are doing so well now...

& I am just now coming to my senses...

----

The memory of losing myself and you haunts me...

I vowed that I would never allow that to happen again...

With every reappearance, you evoke both joy & disdain...

To think that you would think of me still...

But yet you let me go...

I can’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure it all out...

To make sense of the irrational...

Trying to find the answers everywhere else but the one place that I know that they are...

 But I’m too prideful to ask you why...

So I decode every text, phone call, and gesture in vain...

Hoping that I find the answers...

Hoping that a moment turns into a lifetime...

[sirsemaj]

Love lives in a lonely land where there is no helping hand to understand

[sirsemaj]

A Catharsis (S.I.N.K.I.N.G.)

This is long overdue, yet this is perfect timing. Nearly four years ago around this time last year, I literally stopped. I stopped going to class, I stopped caring, I gave up on my goals, I quit at life. During that time (about a week), I was able to release most of my negativity and anxiety and frustrations. I needed a recharge and a means to prepare for the storms that were coming my way.

Today, I am in a similar state of mind. I feel like I am not trying hard enough; I just don’t care anymore. My grades are slipping, and I’ve started to give up on my dreams. Yes, the outlook of the next year looks bright; however, I remember seeing a bright future four years ago but I let everything fall apart and it became my worst nightmare (or so it seemed).

At this moment in time, I feel like a bystander in a crowd of few. I am watching the floats and cars go by, loaded with many happy and satisfied people. I am torn by my excitement for them and the frustration with my own stagnancy. As I look about myself each day, it becomes evident that I don’t have much happening within my own life. Yes, I’m in medical school and that is a milestone on it’s own, but I feel like I am missing out on life. I am not in a relationship and no where close to the threshold of marriage; I don’t have any kids; I don’t travel; I don’t have friends come visit me; I rarely see my family; I rarely do anything life-changingly fun. Some weekends can go by with me literally sitting in my apartment, going out to run errands, and hitting the gym, and no one except my mom and one my closest friends will call or message me. I often feel lonely and forgotten about. I’ve learned to bear this burden and have gotten better at carrying it over the years. I have become so drained from loneliness but I put the little energy I have left into dreams of being somewhere else and being someone else. I have convinced myself that life will get better when I finish med school and move to a new city; however, I do fear that my situation may not change. I feel like the problem is me.

I think the biggest obstacle in my situation right now is my self image. I am no longer as confident or as sure of myself and my plans as I used to be. I feel like I’m aimlessly pushing through to the end of things, not committed or focused. I am constantly wondering, “What makes me special?” I feel as if there is nothing unique about me. Social media has a way of making you see that most of things that compose what you know as you are being done by so many others in this world and a good bit are better at it than you. I truly feel lackluster in almost everything I do right now. As I prepare for applying to residency, I often wonder what will make me stand out. Academically, I am average at best. When it comes to extracurriculars, research, and service, I was just present and not as proactive as I could have been. I feel like with everything I do, I just clear the bar. So why would they choose me?

One of my biggest insecurities stems from the waitlists I have been on in the past few years. With several of my “biggest” accomplishments, I was not outrightly chosen to be there. I was waitlisted and did not get accepted until weeks after the fact. Even though I had great experiences with all those programs and opportunities, I always walked away from them feeling like I was never good enough to be there in the first place. I truly feel like I’m probably going to be an afterthought when it comes to applying to residency programs as well. I just feel like I will be seen as good but not great. I will be fanciful consideration but not a true contender. I will be a rare applicant, given my demographics, but I’m convinced that even they won’t make up for how basic and lusterless I think I appear to others.

So with nothing going on outside of school and a limited self-esteem, I am constantly questioning my ability to be the strong, determined man I know I can be. My self-identity has become so limited; I cannot see past things that are intrinsically a part of me. I only see myself an African-American, cisgender gay male that is pursuing an M.D. (& I barely outwardly identify as gay). I used to think that this was special but I am now seeing that there are so many like me who are doing or have done what I’m doing now. So I am always asking myself, “What makes you special Ernest James?” 

Frankly, I don’t have an answer, and I feel as if I won’t get one anytime soon.

[sirsemaj]

You see I'd rather be a freq than not be unique... Individuality makes life better...

Pharrell

[sirsemaj]

You gotta go inward to experience the outer space that was built for you...

Pharrell

[sirsemaj]

I'm a candle. Chop my neck a million times, I still burn bright and stand.

Saul Williams 

[sirsemaj]

I think I've learned the hard way that the best way to overcome someone is to undermine the fact that they have a mind & then say I love you

Sir Semaj

[sirsemaj]

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

[sirsemaj]

E.V.O.L.V.E.R.

It’s funny how I used to think that he was the one...

Back in high school, I drove by his house three times before slipping that love letter in his mailbox...

I was so nervous, but I just knew I had to do it because I thought that I loved him...

My love for him made me do the craziest things...

For me, love was convincing myself that I had passed up a summer program at Morehouse for him when I actually did not get in...

Love was going out of my way to see him when my grandfather was tapping on death’s door...

I thought I was giving up everything for him and that love warranted it...

I guess I pushed myself so far into this idea of loving him because I thought that I never could...

But little did I know that my issue was not being able to love someone...

It really was not feeling like anyone loved me back...

And so it was that I would go to such extremes (in my mind) to show others that I loved them...

I had so many guys who I thought were “the one”...

I pushed myself to believe that I just had to pour everything, my thoughts and dreams, into someone and he would love me like I loved him...

Foolishly, I remained in this cycle...

I fell for someone and then another and then another...

With all of these guys, I thought that it would all pay off one day and I just had to work hard at it until they felt how I felt...

But love isnt about proving yourself to someone that you are worth their love...

I have learned that love is organic...

It is so easily obtained when it happens...

Love is only seen as hard and difficult because it is an one-in-a-million type experience...

You continue taking shots in the dark hoping to you hit the bullseye...

You fail over and over again until one day you nail it...

But when you did, it was effortless...

It felt like magic...

I am waiting for my magic...

I now know that I need to keep trying and hoping for love...

However, I don’t need to force it...

I don’t have to convince myself that every strong feeling is love...

Not every guy I have amazing conversation with for hours is the one for me...

I understand now that my idea of love is evolving...

As I grow and live life, I see what love is and has the potential to be...

As I become braver, my limits on love expand and dive deeper...

As I grow wiser, my ideas on the many ways I can be loved approach infinity...

& eventually one day, when I least expect it...

Like magic...

I will be loved...

[sirsemaj]

M.I.S.D.I.R.E.C.T.I.O.N.

Right now, the hardest question that I ponder on is what is my passion...

Most of my life, I thought I wanted to be a doctor...

Yet my idea of a doctor was limited to my local pediatrician, my parents’ friends, and a man who is currently running for President...

I imagined that I would be a doctor but did not think further than that...

I saw myself existing within this profession but never really saw myself being active within it...

I look back and can count on both hands how many times I shadowed prior to medical school....

I can count on one hand how many times I actually enjoyed it...

Despite my lack of interest, I pursued medicine anyway...

I’m more than halfway done with med school and I feel like I have made a decision for the wrong reasons...

I go to work on a rotation each day and wonder how I ended up here...

I question the validity of my “dream”...

I always think that I made decisions based on farfetched expectations...

Was I ever truly aware of what I was getting myself into?

I can���t lie, I had tunnel vision throughout most of college...

I did whatever I had to do to make it in...

I honestly feel like I was checking boxes, no matter how poorly I shined while running down the list...

I just know that I did not give some things my all...

As a result, the finish was not as epic as I imagined it to be...

Instead of running in full stride to break the tape, I was stumbling and crashed my way to the end...

I keep replaying that ending in my mind...

I just don’t feel proud of myself...

This lack of pride also makes me question if I was meant to be where I am and going down this path...

However, I do feel like that crash brought me too my senses...

Have I entered the wrong race...

Have I pushed myself towards something that I don’t really want...

Yet here I am...

[sirsemaj]

Are we a lost generation of our people? Add us to equations but they'll never make us equal

Janelle Monáe

[sirsemaj]

I want my dreams to rescue me

J. Cole