sir-walter-elliot

[sir-walter-elliot]

I'm not aware of what "IKEA" is, but I am offended by the notion that I would be the worst at anything. Except perhaps aging and looking frightful. I certainly am deficient at those two things.

I asked you which Jane Austen character would be the best at assembling IKEA furniture, so now I must know...

Don't you dare yell at me for not including XYZ Character—do you know how impossible it is to pick only 11 Austen characters who suck at assembling IKEA furniture? There are way too many of them! So so many Austen characters would be destroyed even by a Lack table!

Reblog and share in the tags how the IKEA disaster goes down for the character you picked.

[sir-walter-elliot]

Boop? What is this Boop? A new skin cream?

[sir-walter-elliot]

I do not understand the appeal of this "spooky month." I had seen the term used recently, and inquired with Elizabeth as to what it could mean. Our friend Mrs. Clay explained that it is a celebration of the macabre, and involves making oneself up to look like a monster, and giving out sweets to beggar children who come to your door.

Why on earth would anyone wish to make themselves look more ghastly? There are enough frights and scarecrows walking about on an ordinary day; we certainly do not need an entire month to encourage more of them!

[sir-walter-elliot]

Indeed I do! A friend of mine has been using it at my recommendation, and it has simply carried away her freckles!

@aloveforjaneausten, have you been using your Gowland since you received it last year? Since we are not acquainted, I do not know if you ever had any loathsome freckles to begin with, but regardless, I trust your complexion is clearer, fresher, after a constant use of Gowland.

Trick or Treat 🍁

You get Gowland's Lotion! Sir Walter Elliot swears by it!

If you've submitted an ask, your treat is in the queue!

[sir-walter-elliot]

Your concern is appreciated, but never fear, my skin is as smooth and glowing as always. But then, that is to be expected for someone of such high birth as myself.

If someone has been experiencing adverse effects, I am sure it is due to the opposite reason you suppose: they are not using enough. One cannot use too much lead powder, and certainly cannot use too much Gowland. Or it may simply be because their skin is naturally deficient—sadly common.

Sir Walter, I must ask... What is your skincare routine?

You are very wise to ask such a thing—more would do well to follow my advice for the skin, and I have no scruples in sharing my methods so that more people will benefit from luminous skin and I will not have the misfortune of looking upon so many frightful scarecrows!

My skincare routine is thus.

In the morning, I first wash my face, neck, and hands with elder-flower water. I apply a paste of white wax, almond oil, and spermaceti to my lips. My face is pinched between the fingertips for 10 minutes to bring a rosy glow to the skin. Finally, I anoint my face, neck, and hands with Gowland, and apply a fine white lead-based powder over it.

(I say "I" do these tasks, but of course it is actually my servants who attend to me and perform all the duties I am describing.)

In the afternoon, I fumigate my face, which is very efficacious in preventing or even removing wrinkles. (Not that I personally have any wrinkles to remove, but I mention this only for others who do have such a misfortune.) My servant puts some powder of the best myrrh upon an iron plate, and heats it sufficiently to melt the gum. I then hold my face over it, with my head covered with a napkin, for 20 minutes. My face is then washed with milk. Another layer of Gowland is applied.

Before I go to bed, I wash my face with rose-water, then apply a paste of boiled egg whites, alum, and almond oil. This remains on for 30 minutes, then is removed with Venice soap and fresh rose-water. Five drops of oil of rhodium are applied to the skin and gently massaged in. Then a final layer of Gowland is applied, of course, and my eye mask secured on top.

So, you see, it's really quite simple for anyone to follow.

[sir-walter-elliot]

Sir Walter, I must ask... What is your skincare routine?

You are very wise to ask such a thing—more would do well to follow my advice for the skin, and I have no scruples in sharing my methods so that more people will benefit from luminous skin and I will not have the misfortune of looking upon so many frightful scarecrows!

My skincare routine is thus.

In the morning, I first wash my face, neck, and hands with elder-flower water. I apply a paste of white wax, almond oil, and spermaceti to my lips. My face is pinched between the fingertips for 10 minutes to bring a rosy glow to the skin. Finally, I anoint my face, neck, and hands with Gowland, and apply a fine white lead-based powder over it.

(I say "I" do these tasks, but of course it is actually my servants who attend to me and perform all the duties I am describing.)

In the afternoon, I fumigate my face, which is very efficacious in preventing or even removing wrinkles. (Not that I personally have any wrinkles to remove, but I mention this only for others who do have such a misfortune.) My servant puts some powder of the best myrrh upon an iron plate, and heats it sufficiently to melt the gum. I then hold my face over it, with my head covered with a napkin, for 20 minutes. My face is then washed with milk. Another layer of Gowland is applied.

Before I go to bed, I wash my face with rose-water, then apply a paste of boiled egg whites, alum, and almond oil. This remains on for 30 minutes, then is removed with Venice soap and fresh rose-water. Five drops of oil of rhodium are applied to the skin and gently massaged in. Then a final layer of Gowland is applied, of course, and my eye mask secured on top.

So, you see, it's really quite simple for anyone to follow.

[sir-walter-elliot]

Mismanaged it! Every expenditure I made was carefully considered and perfectly necessary. As my dear friend @taciturn-nerd once pointed out, I have a very reasonable yearly budget:

Food: £200 Clothing: £1000 Gowland's Lotion: £300 Looking-glasses: £2000 Presents for Elizabeth: £500 Presents for Anne: £10 Presents for Mary: £5

Sir Walter Elliot complaining about having to downsize his estate… my brother in Christ you mismanaged it

[sir-walter-elliot]

I am still very much alive, as you can clearly see. And I have little interest in watching races, since they are held outdoors under the sun, which will leave a man's skin looking like old leather. Have you ever seen a sailor's complexion, for instance? A sailor grows old sooner than any other man, knocked about in every weather, till they are not fit to be seen. It is one of the reasons why I find the navy offensive.

RIP Sir Walter Elliot you would’ve loved rupauls drag race 💔

[sir-walter-elliot]

It is true that I am a good father, but the bit about the private disappointments is quite false. I do not know who this Jane Austen was who said this, but she has been given erroneous information. I will allow her the benefit of the doubt that it was an innocent mistake, not maliciously done, since she is quite correct about my care for my dear daughters. I am indeed a very conscientious father to all of my daughters equally. (Which is quite commendable, since only one of them is truly handsome.)

"Be it known then, that Sir Walter, like a good father, (having met with one or two private disappointments in very unreasonable applications), prided himself on remaining single for his dear daughters’ sake."

Persuasion, Jane Austen.

[sir-walter-elliot]

This is not a picture of me, madam, and I am most seriously affronted that you would compare me to anyone as shriveled, bald, and jaundiced as this frightful old man! I have seen sailors with skin as orange as the fruit, but this shade of yellow on the skin is most alarming. I'm not sure that even Gowland could help in his case.

Sir Walter when Anne wants to visit Mrs Smith:

[sir-walter-elliot]

Elizabeth and I are indeed as blooming as ever! Much of it has to do with the natural superiority of our family, of course, but I also am fastidious about exposing myself to conditions that are harmful to the complexion, such as strong winds and glaring sunlight. And I must always recommend the use of Gowland, always Gowland.

Perhaps I was a little hasty in my censure. I thank you for reminding me of the arrangement with Mr. Shepherd, which I of course was always fully aware of. It was quite sensible of him, for there is absolutely nothing at all amiss in my finances that would make the purchase of a more fashionable looking glass at all ill-advised.

Yes, on further consideration, by all means, keep the old looking glass.

Trick or treat

You get one of Sir Walter Elliot's looking glasses (mirrors)! Hopefully he doesn't miss this one. He has so many...

If you've submitted an ask, your treat is in the queue!

[sir-walter-elliot]

That is the exact one that I have been searching for! I have been greatly distressed by its absence. I demand its return at once!

Trick or treat

You get one of Sir Walter Elliot's looking glasses (mirrors)! Hopefully he doesn't miss this one. He has so many...

If you've submitted an ask, your treat is in the queue!

[sir-walter-elliot]

I do not have any wrinkles, but my curiosity is piqued by this "anti wrinkles straw." Is one meant to rub the straw over one's face? It sounds as though that would be very harsh upon the skin. I think I shall leave the straw to the horses and continue with Gowland.

Sir Walter Elliot, man who would use moisturizer and have a 10 step skin care routine. You would have loved the anti wrinkles straw.

[sir-walter-elliot]

Dear Sir Walter,

I am thinking of visiting Bath soon, but I hear that the women may not be up to my very high beauty standards. I have the utmost trust in your judgment, how attractive are the women in Bath?

Thank you,

Robert Ferrars

Dear Mr. Ferrars,

You are quite right to be so fastidious about such matters. I must own that the proportion of plain women in Bath is shocking. Not that there are no pretty women, but, as an example, I once stood in a shop on Bond Street and counted eighty-seven women go by without there being a tolerable face among them!

I might advise you not to visit during the winter, when sharp frosts put extra strain on the skin and which hardly one woman in a thousand could stand the test of. Neither should you visit in summer when the heat will make the ladies wilt and the sun will make them all dreadfully tanned and freckled.

Yours,

Sir Walter Elliot

[sir-walter-elliot]

Dear Sir Walter,

We know you love mirrors in your house. Do you carry pocket mirrors too, for spot checks of your appearance?

They are essential. However, there are only so many items one can carry on one's person while still maintaining a sleek silhouette in one's clothing, so I ensure that everything I carry is made of the finest smooth silver upon which I can look to check my appearance, such as my pocket watch and case for my cards. In addition, I had a custom toothpick case made with a mirror within the lid, and this comes with me always.

[sir-walter-elliot]

No

I love this part of Persuasion, everything is the best about it:

"but I should think, Miss Elliot," (looking with serious reflection), "I should think he must be rather a dressy man for his time of life. Such a number of looking-glasses! oh Lord! there was no getting away from one's self. So I got Sophy to lend me a hand, and we soon shifted their quarters; and now I am quite snug, with my little shaving glass in one corner, and another great thing that I never go near."

Anne, amused in spite of herself, was rather distressed for an answer, and the Admiral, fearing he might not have been civil enough, took up the subject again, to say--"

Anne wants to be respectful of her father but she is trying not to laugh. Six mirrors! I wonder how much that cost? Is this why Kellynch has fallen into debt? How is Sir Walter surviving in Bath without his flock of mirrors? I love it!