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[sipurspr]

Borderlined

DSM-V you have done me dirty YET again..! Reaching eight of nine criterion is almost disappointing. I was angrier when I was younger. Of course I care too much about what people think of me to air any grievances. I am so relieved that I'm not the only crazy person in the world. I've spent the last 7 years feeling incredibly detached from my body and person. Months have passed me by where I'll plead and beg and try whatever I can to feel anything that isn't shallow and fleeting. My friend told me when we were much, much younger that if you stare at your face in a mirror for long enough it'll start to warp until you become unrecognizable. I tried it and my eyes turned black. It scared me from sleeping through the night. Nowadays I'll stand and wait and dare my eyes to turn black and horns to grow from my head and my smile to twist upward and upward until I'm terrifying and monstrous and then, I can feel the rush of such an intense fear, I would've done anything to avoid it a decade ago. There are so many other symptoms I could dwell on but the majority of the remaining apply to my relationships with others. Reimagining those past endeavors with the understanding of this disorder I have now makes me nervous. I figured until recently that most people struggled with the idea of abandonment like I did. I haven't been greatly abandoned before, never seriously and never unexpectedly, and never by someone I knew enough to have a lasting impact. It's not about the people themselves but the role they play in my life, which might be one of the most selfish things about me. I would rather keep these people in my life for my own wellbeing, emotionally, individually and socially, and it doesn't matter who they are. My friends aren't people I approach or intend to befriend. They approach me or we were made to meet. If they like me, I like them. It doesn't go much further than that. That is an incredibly selfish, shallow mindset that, having reflected on it, I would like to remold entirely and immediately. How? I have no clue. I can be more proactive in making friends. This isn't at all to say that the friends I have now aren't incredibly near to my heart. I love them astoundingly. One of my favorite things about my friends now is how unbelievably different we all are. College towns can do beautiful things. Knowing this will hopefully create a community for me the way coming out did. I can explain the similarities and one difference. Coming out is only a part of myself, versus this which might explain my entire personality and behavior, my way of thinking, my philosophies, why I believe what I do. There's the difference. But whether it's a smaller piece or the whole picture: both left me ostracized and incredibly lonely. I was lucky to know other queer people when I was young and fresh. I don't know anyone with borderline. I haven't watched a single video, read any articles, listened to a single podcast about it. Which is what I'm about to do. Realizing and becoming open about my queerness allowed me to dig and find a community where I, for the first time in my understanding of being gay, wasn't the odd one out, and couldn't therefore be shut out. Being lonely makes me feel small. I'll get in my head. Both times I felt like I may have been the only person in the world to feel so strange and neurotic. Both times I couldn't be more wrong. Go to therapy!

[sipurspr]

it’s been a year so yeah i’m thinking about it

at 5 am and in a few hours i have to get up and get ready for my hebrew class which i didn’t know i’d be taking a year ago

i actually took the time to look at pictures and reread texts all these months later and i feel kind of ridiculous. i’m maybe the same person in some regards but there’s more of me now: last year i had crises about whether i had a personality at all which is stupid because i think at this point that i’m very distinct. in good and bad ways and both ends swing pretty strong. does that make sense? it’s very early in the morning

a year and a few weeks ago someone recommended me a small, local band and suggested we go to a concert of theirs. we never went because when he mentioned the concert, it’d just happened days before

they toured again this year and close to two months ago i went with someone new who doesn’t matter much to me anymore. we left early because he wanted to

i didn’t go to spite the original recommender but because i’ve grown to really enjoy that band particularly- though i was anticipating something like a rush of nostalgia. i was hoping honestly for a few minutes where i could pretend i was part of a montage in something like an A24 coming of age flick, intercutting scenes from a year and some weeks ago, and from that night

it didn’t feel like that much at all. i was happy to go when we did because my feet hurt

when i’m mad about last year it’s just because i hate how it shaped me. i must be who i am now because of it because after it was over and months later, after it was processed, i am so so so viciously different.

that said i don’t remember much of my mindset from a month ago, let alone a year ago.

we live and we learn, for better or for worse that will always be a decent and significant chapter of my life.

though the past year has been hit after hit not all is lost in the land of sophia’s deep-rooted romantic conquests. i continue to maintain my roster of

1) filmbros (NEW ENTRY)

2) bisexual men who only date girls (=)

3) former or current band kids (+1)

4) the girl i have a crush on in my nutr class (-3)

by recommending the music taste of my undoubtedly coolest ex. he was 5’6 and i have never come close to more desperately recommending someone find a better therapist.

and sorry to the girl in my nutrition class but we’ve both been skipping for the past month and a half so i don’t get butterflies from your texts anymore… filmbros 🆙

life can be great and low and that’s all wonderful and a part of it. i love FEELING!!!

[sipurspr]

19

In sixty years people might dread interacting with me, for the sake of my age and consequent slowness, and I might feel guilty about it even though it's nothing I could help. In thirty years I'll be terrified that I'm approaching fifty, but it'll probably feel less strong than how scared I currently am to hit twenty? My parents both turned fifty last year which means they'll both be 51 by mid-November of this one (continuity issue with how I'm typing numbers, but it makes sense to my mind). 2022 was a milestone year for everyone in my immediate family: just mentioned fifties, my sister going to high school, me going to college. Now that we're here, I feel like my whole life has been lived this way- I know that this is common and, at least personally, is a state I'll often or always live in. When I moved into a dorm, I felt like my whole life had been in that dorm. And my nostalgia feels stronger now. It's mostly for smell where it used to be mostly for music: I listen to too much good music now, and I know better than to associate songs with certain people. For the most part. But if I smell a certain laundry detergent, a cologne someone put on for me in April, overwhelming plastic, I can't control how quickly and thoroughly I'm reminded of whatever endeavor each came from. 18 was exhilarating, albeit rushed, and most of the pain I felt was coupled with adrenaline for the sake of my experiences being new and exciting. 19 is clumsy and heartbreaking, my hurt is slower and drawn out. I cry almost every night, and each time it's a stupid reason. I'm afraid of aging. I don't understand Hebrew or shewahs. I really don't believe in God or any higher power now, and it's been such a loud, long-standing internal debate I'm grateful that I finally settled it. I may in the future. I cried because I got frustrated with my sexuality and attraction but that's not new to 19. I cried because I watched Pen15 and I wish I had seen the last episode when I was a few years younger, and because I get so mad about how common that experience is and I still can't believe it happened to me. I cried because I got a tattoo for my cats and I paid too much money for a shitty, blurry, laminated print of the Mona Lisa because that was the name of my mom's cat when she met and married my dad, and had me and my sister. The same cat who my Nana drove from San Francisco to Atlanta (six day drive!) so she could move in with us and we'd all get there in the early hours of April 9, 2009. That was my fifth birthday and I don't remember much of it, but I can picture our family in our first Atlanta house. That made me cry too.

The picture is Mona.

[sipurspr]

sweet kitty boots after enjoying a nice dinner with her sister (picture from a few days ago) i got to visit athens again this past friday, and hopefully i'll go again next week-- i miss it so strongly already. we also got to see the house that we'll be living in next year for the first time: we hadn't known the exact unit until that friday morning, conveniently timed to match our trip there. we visited and discovered that we'll be on the bottom floor of three and below ground level depending on where you park. i was inspired to start thinking more about decorations. this is also the first chance i'll get to live as i want to and with the privacy i want, i really can't wait.

i'm not upset about it actually. i like how it's tucked away, and i don't mind that i don't have to walk up stairs whenever i'm coming home. i feel like i need a break from doing anything to preserve what i'm functioning on now. which is ridiculous and i should and will learn to manage stress and large workloads. i'm also back to feeling positive about how the next few years will go but increasingly concerned about how quickly my entire emotional state and being can change from such a high/low point to the strong opposite. i've been aware of that for a while, especially within the past year. i can quantify it which is nice: prior to college or living outside of my old town i would rarely feel strong emotions besides distress or anger, which was largely self-induced and unfortunately cyclical (if i feel bad then i feel bad about feeling bad, i feel worse, i feel worse about feeling worse, this is easy but i can't explain it easily). i moved and became happier and began to experience happier things and also incredibly new and exciting things, i start having rushes of strong content and chase these rushes or attach myself to them too strongly, my ups and downs are as a result unruly. it was worse in fall semester because i didn't know how to manage how low my worst point had become. i figured it out, though, and dealt with far fewer embarrassing or stupid moments second semester. but that's only learning to manage. i used to have a default kind of neutral and stressed feeling, and now i can only get there when i'm actually high (otherwise it's just low and i can't get myself out of it unless something happens to pull me to the farthest opposite end. cannabis has fantastic medical benefits). this makes me sound sad but i'm not usually sad, i'm just unmotivated. i know that what i want is to always or often feel the best i possibly can, or be the happiest (and most successful) i can be. it looks difficult to figure out which stresses me out. i know how i can make money and maintain my hobbies and a nice personal life and i'm working towards that with direct intent. but what would a fulfilling personal adult life be? i don't know how to approach that i think the bunny is going to be named gerda because we agreed on gerda, which i appreciate and can't believe. my convincing stuck-- gerda was my unpopular, unwanted, underdog nominee and now it's top choice among all roommates/apartment dwellers/(significantly less responsible AND liable for) rabbit co-owners. unfortunately i found a name i like maybe more (june hasty, the first name of someone on a list i saw at work). june hasty works as a character name and a rabbit name so i might use it for both (except that i don't know what i would create a character for.. just to draw? or write a snippet about. maybe just to think about). i like to make characters to channel my traits into and explore them if i don't really get them. i don't do much with them besides write bits and think about them. i don't know if they qualify as characters. june hasty would be painfully quiet. i don't think i have that trait now (i want to and i really respect it) but i absolutely and notably used to (notably, as in, the degree to which i was impenetrably quiet defined much of my childhood and basically every casual relationship or interaction). i don't like how any of this sounds or looks but i'm high and tired and ready to get ready for bed, sleep, wake up in 7 hours and go to work for a decently productive day. goodbye!

[sipurspr]

u know i’d do anything for u

[sipurspr]

Upset words

I want to tear into your mind, I want to rip your head open so I can pull out your brain and hope to understand a morsel of you I know that you don’t dislike or hate me and when I thought that it was just a spiral. I’m working hard to keep you from being annoyed with me which I’m worried about often even though I doubt you think so just because of how you speak to me. I don’t want to be overbearing or respond too quickly or make it too obvious that I still care for, value and like you. I can hardly deal with this while you still like me so I don’t know how I’ll deal when you don’t. I don’t know where I am because I don’t know where you are with me, I feel sick and wanted and liked and unwanted and scream-inducing upset and I don’t want to talk to new people because I don’t like talking to new people. I want to tell you about my day and I want to tell you the things that I like and don’t like. I went hiking and we saw deer sleeping in someone’s yard. I was walking last night and I saw rabbits, I tried to get a picture but decided not to because the flash would scare them away. I want to tell you when I hear good music or when I watch a good movie, or the things that I talk about with my friends. I want to tell you about my job and the people I see and I just want to talk to you. I want to yell everywhere that I like you so much and that I’m sick with jealousy (physically sick) thinking about you affording someone else an ounce of the affection you showed me.  And not to breach ridiculous but it’s hard to think that you would’ve posted that with someone else in mind. It’s easy to think though that you’d post it with nobody in mind and just like the song (so why would you type out :( if it wasn’t with intention). And I’m mad because was it not you who cut things off, and why can you be sad if this is in your hands. Anyways I can’t stay mad at you and I’ve not been mad at you but rather the situation just because you really haven’t done anything wrong and I know that I feel worse about this because it’s summer and I can’t stand not being in Athens

[sipurspr]

Capitalization and fucking and beauty and Abed

I don’t remember when I gave up capitalizing over text. Probably around 2017 when I became wrapped up in whatever part or side of social media I was on when my biggest worries were my parents finding out I cut an inch off my hair or my online girlfriend getting upset that I stopped responding for a few hours (I had to eat a family dinner). I didn’t stop because more people quickly picked up on it: at this point, it’s unusual to meet someone my age who capitalizes regularly. I thought recently that the visual appeal may have come from wanting to match how websites look in search bars- entirely lowercase (like twitter.com, not Twitter.com)- which may have played some role. I’m still curious about it now but I’ll probably stop thinking about it before I care to look it up. Negative self-talk isn’t helpful and self-awareness isn’t helpful if you don’t do anything to better yourself or change your behaviors. I have been so incredibly self aware and self negative (and occasionally positive) for years. I am very narcissistic in that the overwhelming majority of what I think is about myself- if I think about other people it’s certainly related to their opinions of me, how I can cater myself to them, how I want to present myself to them or how badly I want to get in their minds and know what they think of me. There are times where I get genuinely curious about other people: some of the people who I’ve met and spoken well with in college I have sat and looked at and wondered how they believe what they believe or what informs whatever they’re saying. Besides this and sometimes current events and very rarely ideological thought I am obsessed with myself and knowing how I work. The one question I cannot crack now is what I am looking forward to living for. I have always and now live for small good things. I like laughing well with my friends, I like seeing that I’ve made people laugh and I like saying something and watching people react in a great positive way. I like to write and draw and be proud of whatever I put effort into creating. I like getting very, very close and I like being told nice and personal things. I like getting good grades back and being the same amount of proud whether or not I really worked for it. These are all small things that can happen whenever I seriously want them to-- much of that is in my control. And the happiness I feel with this is so quick-lived and then I return to my default which is just a large amount of nothing. My natural state seems to be sad or annoyed and spaced out and lazy, and I am always either filled with empty ugly feelings or being distracted from that. My great distraction lately was a person which is unfair and selfish. I tried to not let myself rely on them too greatly but unfortunately my mind is bad and illogical and too quickly I let myself think about them when they weren’t there and I became quiet when we were together because I was so focused on savoring and in my head photographing those moments. And now it’s summertime and we aren’t seeing each other anymore and I feel emptier in the times between our messages to each other (because I’m not smart sometimes and we’re still speaking). I’ll be intermittently upset about this and the upset I feel is gut-wrenching and staunch and sometimes it’ll be difficult to breathe. I think much of this could be that this is the first and only person to have genuinely made me like my body which is something I have never felt before. I have not once before seen my body and liked it. At the most I’ve felt neutral and almost every other time I was disgusted and filled with vile, gushing hatred and somehow after one or two nights together I could look at myself undressed and think that I might have a pretty body. I wish I could relive the moment where I saw myself and thought while being entirely genuine, this is a nice body. And to be greeted as pretty or gorgeous and called beautiful by someone I care about is something I’d evaded until this point. To be somewhat selfish: there was a point where he mentioned that he loved my teeth, especially my canines. My teeth and smile have, for the past year or so, been one of my biggest insecurities- certainly the biggest or second-biggest on my face (I also have unfortunately significant cheek fat). And for some time I liked to smile. I haven’t been told nicer things before. Which is why the idea that I won’t get this from him in the future is unappealing. If he meant it with earnest then I found something rare-- and I believe he did and I believe I did. I think his comments might have brightened my day-to-day state, and if he isn’t attainable now I don’t know where that leaves me.  I want and need to learn to like myself outside of the relationships I pursue but first I need to learn to feel good or be happy or anything similar outside of these relationships and that seems so incredibly difficult. My best coping mechanism is that I channel my energy into things that distract me. Focusing my energy into one thing comes with no negative consequence to whatever that thing is when it is not someone who exists and whom I interact with in real life. If this thing happens to fit those criterion, those being the two individuals who I became interested in over the course of the past year, I have to tread incredibly lightly. The first one is something I don’t want to discuss nor do I like to discuss because I have not totally reconciled it and I don’t know how I feel about them or the situation we were in. I have nothing to describe what I experience when I think about this because I’ve never felt whatever emotions I ended up feeling because of it. The second one did not fulfill the role until they were almost gut-wrenchingly supportive and kind and, as I mentioned, made me feel pretty for the first time. They would downplay every gesture they made and all the generosity and patience and kindness they employed and it was and is so upsetting to know how they view themself. You deserve beautiful things. I mentioned Abed in the title because I relate to his character but not exactly with the group of people that surround him. I don’t function similarly but I do think similarly and I like seeing that and seeing him. He was the character who filled the ‘thing’ role for me for a while, mostly because of how I related to him, also because I don’t have much control over who or what I become entranced by or the intensity of that intrigue. If I think too deeply now I get a pit feeling in my stomach because of the lack of ongoing relationship with who was supposed to be something serious and long-term, because we talked maybe two weeks ago about being serious and long-term. I feel kind of sick and kind of tired now so I’m going to do some work and then go to sleep.

[sipurspr]

by Ergy Landau

[sipurspr]

feeling very distinctly march

some part of today made me sad but i can’t tell what it is. i think the effort i went through- the stress that came with this new (and wonderful and helpful) productive streak- with little reward. i’m content with and proud of what i’ve done but the lack of payoff and seemingly endless work ahead dull that.  i also feel somehow similar to september or october. i can’t tell what i’m upset with or why i feel shitty but it’s so overwhelming. there’s a hint of october in feeling like i’ve disappointed. maybe the rich future that exists in my mind was revealed as unrealistic. some thinking and i know what’s making me feel upset. it’s so gut-wrenchingly out of my control and i wish i could explain why i’m getting so angry about it. i want my goals to be realized; i have a beautiful imaginary picture of what my life will be like in ten, twenty years and having been further exposed to the notion that won’t come to fruition is frustrating. in my mind i’ll live a perfect life, with a good job and good family, and i can indulge in my hobbies and support myself and not be upset or have anything awful going on. i think this idea is just to distract from the fact that i have no clue what i actually want.  i wish i could write more about this but i’m too angry to keep going. i think i’ll listen to some music or watch an easy show and distract myself and focus on midterms and not being frustrated or upset.

[sipurspr]

heroic origins

in 2012 i moved to a duplex that sat on the border of city of decatur and druid hills. across the street were train tracks and a bit past those was fernbank elementary- you could walk another five minutes and reach the fernbank science center, twenty to see the museum. i was talking recently to someone who i met less than a year ago, and he mentioned that he went to the museum often in his childhood (not uncommon growing up in georgia- fernbank, tellus, maybe the state capitol were school trips for most of us). the likelihood of us existing together in a one- or two-mile vicinity years before we met struck me then and while the thought was initially fleeting it has now come back and stayed. if he or other friends i’ve recently met went there often, the idea that our cars may have passed- both of our schools took a trip on the same day- he or whoever else drove past my house- isn’t near unreasonable. to me, the people that i know now have only existed within my span of knowing them- their lives and selves before i knew them aren’t fables but because i didn’t know them, a line is drawn between that and however they are now. thinking about a younger version of myself and one of my friends together isn’t strange until it's realized that may have happened. i don’t believe in fate because i want to feel more in-control but the idea that we existed together before and now is strange and pleasant. i want to write or think more about this

[sipurspr]

plain white shirt and plain black scrubs

tomorrow morning i will shower and brush my teeth really well and 

i am too tired to keep writing so i’ll close my eyes and think hard. i wonder where i will be a week from now or a month from now and probably not in a very different place but i hope i’m better at submitting my assignments and am less anxious about speaking to new coworkers and friends. i’m going to sleep now and be proud of the work i’ve done so far and think for a very long time (three or four minutes as i’m falling asleep). i am in a better place now. goodnight

[sipurspr]

[sipurspr]

when everything moves so fast it’s hard to forget how unwell i really am. what a deep depression i lurk in- it only fades when i’m surrounded with engagement and discussion. friends who listen and interact, we go out together and it’ll appear to everyone that i am social and fulfilled. and then i am alone in my room with my roommate who murmurs and smacks her lips in her sleep, and when i put my computer away to sleep i am back again to a place so ugly it hurts to stay in. so i distract myself with games and music and shallow media until i fade, and i wake up and move and take notes in my classes and get insecure when i think people can see the drawings i added to whatever page i’m writing on. in a sad way derealization helps because i am so permanently spaced out that it takes effort to focus on whatever i am feeling and to decode my thoughts and behaviors. it’s easy to float and appear places, to be in my bed at night with such little recollection or understanding of self and i am too tired to dig. goodnight 🌘

[sipurspr]

:p

[sipurspr]

[sipurspr]

thought

dodie is sincerely more relatable when you’re not fourteen- i’ve had watered down versions of some experiences she describes only since moving to college or becoming an adult and i know worse is to come, but even at this point her songs are so deeply moving in a way that i didn’t understand when i was enamored with her as a preteen

[sipurspr]

marta east line 1984