siouxsieandme

[siouxsieandme]

how do I retrieve

[siouxsieandme]

i can not stop listening to ayesha erotica

[siouxsieandme]

men in the 70s had long hair so they could write suspiciously genderless love songs about people with flowing hair without outing themselves

[siouxsieandme]

one day I’ll be in a pool of sunlight so engrossed in a book I forget my phone exists and it will fix me

[siouxsieandme]

what i did

i cheated on my boyfriend. he is the first person I've cheated on and I hope him to be the last one as well. i was his first love and i kissed another man after chugging 5 mugs of magnum. he was a sweetheart and my baby boy. it didn't hit me until the next morning when I went to piss and couldn't stand the person facing me through the mirror. i went to my bestfriend's house and felt the guilt from the beginning of my oesophagus to my cervix. i distracted myself by being around friends. the next day i knew very clearly i did not deserve this boy in my life. i broke up with the love of my life to let the man i cheated with, suck on my tits. i went home and had sex with a bestfriend of my bestfriend on her bed. all of this after the breakup. i felt terrible and i decided to end my life the next night. until, my boyfriend asked me if I was with anybody else after our breakup. i can cheat but not lie. i told him and he got angry which was good bc i had never seen him angry otherwise. he said he wishes death upon me and a miserable life ahead. i went out with the guy i fucked cuz none of my friends were free and i knew i would kill myself if i wasn't distracted. after that i went to my bestfriend's house where I tried to slit my wrist but it clearly didn't work out. she knocked some sense into me which made me realise how many people I've hurt in the past 2 weeks.

what I am

i thought i knew myself. i am back where I was two years ago. i have a drinking problem at the age of 17, i am a cheater, i dont care about the consequences my actions will have and i always consider killing myself as an option out of any situation.

what I felt and what i feel

i was aware that enough to kiss that man but I still did. i make impulsive decisions, i dont have a moral compass, i felt like a cheater and a betrayer when they happened. i was looking for something my boyfriend couldn't give me because our chemistry wasn't the best. i don't blame him here. he did his best and he has no faults in him. i was the problem in the relationship. i have been called many things in my 17 years of living but this is gonna be the first time somebody calls me a cheater.

what my "excuse" might be

my therapist and my friends told me a bunch of things.

i was drunk as fuck.

you can't control your feelings.

you were looking for something that was lacking in the relationship.

you feel worse because you're the bad guy this time.

the nightmares you've been getting after your ex cheated on you one year ago also indicate something.

you had already made up your mind that you were a cheater after the nightmares you got you called him that night just to prove yourself.

i slit my wrist a month before i turn 18.

i don't know what I am anymore. i can't cry or feel anything at the moment. i just know I've done enough and i firmly believe I should be undone for all of this.

[siouxsieandme]

i recently noticed I don't think as much as I used to anymore. i dont know what to feel about it. 3 years ago I was like this whole person with variety of thoughts which i used to jot down in a notebook, but now it's weirdly calm and there's nothing going on in my head. like i do not have anything to write about or crib about¿ life seems...good. i thought this is all i wanted everything to look like years ago- composite and good(?)

i dont understand

[siouxsieandme]

Women have always been monsters, too, in the minds of great men; in philosophy, medicine, and psychology, the inherent freakishness of women has always been a baseline assumption. Aristotle famously concluded that every woman was a "mutilated male." Thomas Aquinas said that, were it not for their ability to bear sons, God would have been wrong to make women at all: "Nothing misbegotten or defective should have been in the first production of things." [...] Centuries after Aristotle, Sigmund Freud updated and expanded the "mutilated male" theory by arguing that women were "castrated." Male and female children alike were supposedly traumatized for life by the knowledge that their mothers did not have penises, seeing the female body forever after as maimed and incomplete—a walking wound.

Sady Doyle, Introduction. Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers

[siouxsieandme]

been 3 years and i haven't stopped thinking about this book and series yet.

Normal People (2020) dir. Lenny Abrahamson and Hettie Macdonald

[siouxsieandme]

it's so cute we as humans have made it to the point where we feed a piece of carved stone

[siouxsieandme]

Angela Carter, The Magic Toyshop

[Text ID: “October, crisp, misty, golden October, when the light is sweet and heavy.”]

[siouxsieandme]

Ive got 4151

hi if you use spotify can you reblog this and put in the tags how many songs are in your liked songs playlist? ill go first mine has 2552

[siouxsieandme]

[siouxsieandme]

I am the ghost under my bed.

[siouxsieandme]

not original

[siouxsieandme]

[siouxsieandme]

physical pain is satisfying somedays

[siouxsieandme]

all my ideals killed themselves