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This retrograde started out smoother than ever, which I knew was fishy. It wasn’t until the last week or so that I began to feel the ripple of effects entering my perception, as my patience wore even thinner, work became more stressful, and my emotions stopped making any sense at all. I felt a lot better after I cleaned my room, which I should have done more thoroughly in the beginning, but eh. As we linger in the shadow until the 27th some of the more subtle effects of the retrograde may still bother us, such as poor communication and short tempers. Its good to be aware of these things so that we can work around these kinds of obstacles, as they may not be as avoidable as you should think. Things that have been standing still during the last few weeks should begin to set themselves back into motion, making the stagnant air into a more calming breeze, so to speak. Its exciting to feel things getting moving again. I feel like if I reassert my vision on my goals and focus harder on achieving them I might actually start to get somewhere now. Before it was slightly discouraging because of so many unexpected setbacks, I think I began to lose sight of why it mattered to me. I have high hopes for this summer being a very progressive one c:

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I just cleaned my room

and if retrograde is kickin u in the toosh you should clean your room too bc it helped

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constant ecstatic motion

Its hard to sit still when everything is moving so quickly all of the time. 

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sext #02:

There is a cathedral between my legs where you come to bow your head and pray. All the secrets of my skin unfurl like scrolls of parchment. You are a prophet burying dead languages in the catacombs of my body. My palms curl and open again. I surrender shivering, the angels sing.

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Some goals for the year.

Finish my sleeve.

Visit my Dad in Tennessee. 

Hit one more major music festival with the fam.

Volunteer on a farm in Germany for a week.

Volunteer on a farm in Italy for a week.

Spend 5 days hiking through North Carolina.

Learn to ski and snowboard in Montana.

Visit Jinx briefly in Massachusetts.

Go sky diving. 

Finish at least 1/3 of the credits I need to earn my AA.

Get certified for scuba diving.

Make amends with anyone that I need to.

Keep spinning staff.

Skateboard more.

Get more involved with my go-pro.

Learn to use the Nikon.

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Autumn Serenity In Portland Japanese Gardens (by kevin mcneal)

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simmering down

I think I need to secure myself to a long period of silence, quiet enough so that I can think. I have come to understand that being ignored will ignite the absolute worst in me today. Its something I apparently just can’t deal with well at all. I feel more within reason than without towards my actions, but I definitely blew a fuse and lost my patience entirely. If I could do it over, I would have stayed quiet. But honestly, there will always be circumstances that will push you right over the edge, and to me, being ignored is one of them. I struggle more and more every day to communicate effectively. I feel like its my biggest downfall, and to completely be shut out by people that are supposed to work with you and not against you...I will admit that it drives me crazy. 

In 2015 I have been so far from where I was just last year that its almost unbelievable. I see problems and I haven’t fixed them. I start shit and don’t finish it. I am stagnant and even worse I’m content with it. I want to get back to where I was, back on my path so to speak. I know that I can be better than what I am right now, and to completely disregard that potential would be ill-considered. I need to strengthen my connection with the world around me and better understand all of these happenings. I need to raise my vibration, give more and take less... I want to pay attention to the moon, my heart, and work together with my brain. I would like more than anything to feel free, so I think this should be a good start.

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When it’s over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower.

stuff that took me a while to understand #3 (via bl-ossomed)

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disregard

I hate being ignored. I really do. I think to completely just not acknowledge someones existence is so disrespectful...especially when you’re supposed to be in a relationship with them. Communicating effectively is the key to any happy and successful partnership...and when you breach communications, or just decide to not even fucking try and express what you’re feeling...I personally will lose interest and wonder what the relationship is even worth. I hate being put in this position. I don’t understand how this has happened again and again, like what do I have to learn from it? That I haven’t already learned, anyway! I don’t want to reflect on people I���ve built relationships with and think that it ended because they stopped fucking talking to me for some reason or another. Its a shitty feeling. And a really shitty thing to do. ugh.

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Hitting all the birds with one stone

I think about this all the time. It starts out when I’m speaking to someone and my words get all jumbled up. Ya know, when your brain just forgets to brain... word vomit, cats got your tongue...it sucks. I’ll start thinking about how much I do that, and I think towards the likelihood of this linguistic trouble being entirely based on my lack of reading and writing. I don’t exercise enough! And then I consider that I think about this every day, and have done nothing still to strengthen my communication skills! I realize that I have become stagnant in some respect, and have become nearly content with it! And then I have a lil fit in my brain about how I must be dwindling downward, or that I must have changed so much if I don’t care enough to solve this problem for myself. But then I’ll breathe it out, feel it through, and try talking a little slower next time. Usually that helps and my mind will move on to the next train of thought. Ever since I first made the correlation, its been beating like a pulse. Throbbing in the back of my head all of the time, gradually making itself more pronounced, and lately it has been booming, almost destructive. So I compiled the whole thinkin’ bout talkin’ into typing so I could write somethin’ and read it later. 

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Labradorite

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The raw power of your feelings could stop you in your tracks now that the evocative Moon is back in your contemplative sign. However, she also reminds you of how isolated you feel when you don't express your emotions. Unfortunately, it's difficult to communicate your experiences because you worry that your intensity may be too much for others to handle today. To prevent any unwanted drama, share on a need-to-know basis only. Luckily, staying in touch with your inner world is possible if you simply remain silent and offer a mysterious smile.

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second guesses

if you want to be with me that is fine

if you don't want to be with me that is also fine

if you want to see other people that is still fine

and if you want to just be friends that is fine too

but putting yourself in a position that you don't want to be in and acting like you do anyway is not fine with me 

I do wish you would just make yourself clear.