siletsounds

[siletsounds]

I want to try heroin so bad. The weed isnt doing it for me anymore. I use to take 1200Mg Benadryl to get high because I didnt know how ti get ahold of anything. I just dont want to feel anymore.

[siletsounds]

I dont want to try anymore. I want to just give up, but I dont want to hurt my family.

[siletsounds]

Ever since binging since ive been out of my meds and christmas with my family (who owns a bbq restaurant so yeah food is everywhere without regards of health) and I was bawling at the thought of weighing in for the first time since before Christmas and I gained 6lbs and with the way ive been binging I thought it would be more. Now ti get back on track.

[siletsounds]

My fucking fat obese ass that has no self control binged for 3 fucking days and gained 4 lbs 😭☠️🤬🪦 I was excited to show my parents at christmas that I lost 10 lbs since I last seen them. Im a fucking dumb ass. I just HAD to make homemade Gumbo, eat candy, & drink fucking chocolate milk. Im going to see if I can loos a lb a day until vhristmas so I dont feel as bad.

[siletsounds]

When you manage to figure out how to make a 125 calorie full size PB&J😍

[siletsounds]

Do I feel bad for going over my calorie deficit yesterday. Yes. Have I lost 10Lbs in 12 days. Also yes. I guess that equals out.

[siletsounds]

I feel like a fat failure. I was trying to stay ay 300cals. But I literally was so weak I couldn’t walk and my blood sugar (im diabetic) was 66mg/dl which is very low and starts to become deadly. I’m just a fucking obese slob. There are people that can go days without eating. Why cant I.

[siletsounds]

I did it. I stayed under 200calories. Im new to this journey but this high is worth chasing.

[siletsounds]

Ive fasted for 21 hours so far. This is my first fast. Im not even hungry. However im diabetic and I think my sugar is dropping too low. 😭 I dont want to break it. I want to finish the fast at 9pm but then continue throughout the night. My body is literally shaking and my mind is fighting my body.

[siletsounds]

Why. Why cant I control myself. I just want to be skinny. Im tired of being obese. Im tired of eating my emotions. Ive lost 15lbs in 2 weeks but its not enough. Im going from 306 to as small as I can get. I want to be fragile. I dont want to be thick farm girl anymore. That life is over. I need to move on. If others can do it. I can do it. I may never be as pretty as thise that started out small/average, but I can try. Im just a fat ass. I just want someone to love me and tell me im pretty.

[siletsounds]

I wish I was strong enough to be 4nar3xic. Im obese. Starting weight 306lbs. I weighed 120 at HS grad 10years ago. I did ALL the sports. Im trying. Im at 288lbs in one month. I know rapid weight loss is bad and it can rebound but I just want to feel that skinny again. Maybe if I look at enough people with EDs it will trigger my brain.

[siletsounds]

Not me lying to my psychiatrist about “the thoughts” then on the way home seeing if it is possible. I cant do it. It would hurt my family. But I want to not exist so bad.

[siletsounds]

No matter how many times you say you love me and that I matter, it wont save me. Those words don’t fix my will to live.

[siletsounds]

Anyone else can be doing good and having fun but still want to not exist?

[siletsounds]

You know whats worse then being hated by everyone? Being and knowing that you are loved. It hurts worse when you do not want to exist, but cant do it because you dont want to hurt those that you love.

[siletsounds]

Dont ask me how im doing, im just going to lie to you. I feel the need to please you, so this is what I do. Get up out of bed and put a smile on my face. Then look in the mirror with total disgrace.

[siletsounds]

When you keep checking your phone but all there is are bill reminders, an ad to “help starving children”, and not a single word from your “friends” or family. Im tired of being ignored and in the background. Im tired of no one noticing. Im tired of no one checking. But as soon as you tell someone about your thoughts it “think about those who love you” “it would hurt them” as if i deserve my own pain and suffering.