silencecoco - Tumblr blog

[silencecoco]

Intimate

I want your untouched depth trust fall death future skin sleeping breath sin firsts lasts taste heaven fear never before never again near touch growl hug laughter tears struggle fight first thought circle last pride joy shame naked dark light anger excitement truths secrets real I want it all. I want to breathe you in When you breathe out. And blow me into you Then you'd have no doubt. That all the wants I have Singularly trace to you. But I am not who you Want wants with. I could not break you free. Intimacy is not a gift You chose to give to me. I choose you, though, As I always have. Even if that means I choose you over me. I choose to be who I am In this way, non-threatening to break you free. Free of the prison Of your mind Your thoughts Your past Your pain Your belief in the myth of you Your shame in the real of you. Love you through your dark In such a way That you don't care That I see you. You won't put up The facade that I Have always Always Seen through. I see you. My you. You could not love me As I am As I am is all I am But as I am Will heal you Finally maybe, My sweet, conflicted, imperfect Perfect contradiction You can see you, too. Maybe even through my eyes, See the kaleidoscope of All the beautiful ugly That makes the Masterpiece, The mosaic, Of you. My you My only you there will ever be.

[silencecoco]

Worth It

Worth it. Every Fear Tear Rage Survival Forgiveness Blow Bleed Betrayal War Moment Every single one. Worth it. Now I know The real meaning Of humble sacrificial you before me head down what is best for your future over what I want even need keel over with pain at the loss always forgiving never quitting constant fight back stand my ground be who I am who you loved never compromising me but compromising my heart every second Real. You are worth it. Even if I'm not your one. As much as I hemorrhage to say that. You are worth every second. To introduce you To the King Inside of you. I know him. Eyes shut tight, I know his blueprint Front and back. Humble Kind Gentle Reckless Careful Strong Fearless Honorable Accountable Honest Thoughtful Protective Loyal Considerate Safe I know who you are. Worth it.

[silencecoco]

Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt people hurt people. Even their own people. The ones they crave. Who they need. Hurt people hurt The place they belong. Weld the door closed. Forgetting it's titanium. Even if it's welded shut Molten Liquified It still will pull, Pure magnetism, To it's home. When hurt people Hurt their people Their people hurt Bleed out Hemorrhage Until all that is left The only thing inside That titanium home Is the only element that Cannot be destroyed Not with hurt by hurt people Who weld doors closed, Not pain Not fire No poison Or explosion Nothing Can destroy love.

[silencecoco]

Expelled

I know one home The one I was expulsed from I cannot understand Why my heart beats For a man who so Thoughtlessly Carelessly Accusingly Broke it. Why do I find myself Like a spinning compass No north Without him in my world? For him I would give Every Single Thing If I knew what he felt Was what he felt. Not a desperate move Not to be alone. Every attack Every pick Every manipulation He served Was a ploy A move in a game He designed To keep me close Just not close enough Not so close I would know Know she was always His forever I was among a we A collection A menagerie of women He sampled To fill the inadequacy she Leaves him with He never understood That's what I see you means I see what you present I see what you hide I see your paranoia I see your projection I see ... the rejection I saw it. I accepted it. I knew your guilt Would master your mind. My love...my greatest... The only way I know To serve you best Is to put you first Because you do not Hear words You experience I refused to experience losing you. Not to your own self. Your body is strong. Heaven to my fingers. Your soul was not ready though. Not for what loving me Would mean. I do not unlove. I do not hate. I would not hate. I would still love. But, as it still is, My spirit and soul Heart, devotion, loyalty...it is yours. My need. My want. My loss. You. Always you. You, who requires proof. If I lived inside the gates of hell itself, I would find a way-any way- To peacefully coexist with demons. As I have with mine. For you. Choosing instead to play The role that does not Make you feel So threatened So insuperior So unwanted So second. Il mio re, you've always come first You thought jumping was picking You don't understand I want forever with all of you Not half Not a fraction Not a piece All. I will wait just as long Until you get to know Who you really are I will help you learn The man in your soul I've known him thousands Of years. I will teach you he is worth it If I die doing it, It will be done in love. My moon is worth Waiting Knowing he is complete As he is. Does not require a Human to be so. You, great king, Sweet gentle spirit, Relentless protector, Deep waters... You are too good For less than you deserve. Until you find real stillness In the quiet knowledge Confidence Peace Contentment Of your own company You cannot love me But I can love you. I know this place. So I'll listen to your heartbreaks I'll support your side Counsel you to be the best you Always Love you so relentlessly through Your pain that you Understand I will do ANYTHING For you. Even be without you. Maybe you'll learn Someone loves you Who has nothing to gain from it. Who wants nothing from it. Only to water you so you can grow. Cry in quiet until I can't feel it anymore That my soulmate Will soulmate With anyone. I will honor you All the past lives yous I'll survive this, love, And next life I will see you again. And again. Until we get this love right. Then in time you will Comprehend You've always had the proof You need. It was in your heart all along.

[silencecoco]

Love You More

Silence when I need your voice A voice that's not mine to have Ignoring my outstretched hands Begging you to see me How I need you How I want you I don't know why I still Still Still Subject myself to it No, I do It was never a choice for me Never a comparison or contest Your heart Your soul Has never accepted me Just parts But not all of me You were not equipped To handle loving me. I just need to remember that I was not good enough for you then If I wasn't then I'm not now Feeding your soul Helping you grow Into a man who is whole Is a side effect I'm feeding your soul To be a man Who could be my Alisdelisgi For life Too late Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe it. That I'm loving you into being a man for another woman. Jesus...no greater pain Or honor Because I love you more

[silencecoco]

Close

Be close to me So close I can feel Every hair on your body Stand on end When I brush my fingertips Up your back So close I can feel the shock When my lips So softly caress your neck Be close to me Let me give you tenderness My hand across your cheek Kiss your eyes Slink around behind you Legs wrapped around your belly Kiss your head Your back While I hold you with my hands Embraced across your heart. Give my hands the tension You hold inside of you Break the wire Be free Be close to me Let me heal you Let me love you Let me give you life That she took. Give me nothing Il mio re In return but the relief Of taking. Of accepting the healing Only I can give my protector. Give me nothing But leave that place with A cup full of life. Knowing sacred love Can never be outdone. Leave with a high head Toward your life Your heart beating Your eyes seeing every color Your spirit fulfilled Joyful Excited. Being close to me Is your relief. Being close to me Is your salve. Being close to me Is your cure. Be close to me Sweet angel So I can set you free From the darkness you exist in.

[silencecoco]

No Pain

There is no pain Like needing to see Your gratified face Holding the naked skin Of what I knew Would destroy you And for her you destroyed me In an effort to destroy more Than already was. Reason you wouldn't hear But venom you did So I served it up On a golden platter With platinum spoons Saying everything you needed to hear Giving you your release To bury my love, my life, my future In a Gina That you would never keep You'd find some fatal flaw Like you did me Except hers will be real Not imaginary And exactly like everyone else who isn't your Security blanket basic undeserving wife. I healed the pain Of seeing flesh on flesh Seeing it so soon after My flesh was of your flesh. Now I need it. Need that Searing Scarring Cutting Pain Of seeing tramp hands That you CHOSE over me To touch you Because she's better. Your choice. What you discarded me for. I need that pain That hurts so Fucking Much It shuts me down And I don't feel anything. What is supposed to burn me to ash Turns me into a machine And because of the special key Only my greatest love And greatest pain Holds Only you can turn me off. Give me access to the thing that will save me in the end. I'm begging you.

[silencecoco]

Nothing I won't do to give you relief, even when you caused your own pain. It's a sickness...

[silencecoco]

Cruel Karma

Do you get it now? Has it finally hit you? You chose everything BUT me and here I am putting you above me JUST to heal you. Warring and battling and not giving Even half a shit Because my baby is hurting And I won't be anywhere else But with you In the way you allow. Do you get it? Do you get that there was never ANYONE but you? That now there can never BE Us? You received what you accused Me of, Jeff. But not from me. Never once. I'll die protecting you. Do you get the tragedy? Can you feel it? Can you love me more The way I love you? More than life. There's you. All I need is you Telling me you love me Calling me your love names Caressing me with your words. Gift me those things and I Can live. Find a routine. A way. And when the fire in my chest The grief, heat burning through me, The you shaped hole... Let me tell you, just say it to you. Fill it. Tell me that I'm your person. Tell me you love me most. Tell me I'm your precious. Tell me. Fill me when I have no air. Only you can. Give me bandaids for the rest of life To stop the bleeding in my soul When I ache for you. Make it okay. Make this okay. Make me okay. I love you understates... I need you so I can breathe. My own, my mine, my you. Mine. But not.

[silencecoco]

Glass

Glass Shattered Pieces splintered Thousands of shards Of what's left Of my heart Every time He says He doesn't want me. You would think After one of these times Putting myself back together It would be one too many The bleeding would be One drop too much The hurt one burn too bad To be worth it anymore. But it always is. Masochistic bitch that I am I can take it For the chance there's a crack. When I SHOULD close that door Forever All I see is his light Gleaming at me from underneath it. My glass heart Just won't quit.

[silencecoco]

Like It's a Choice

I asked you when it stops hurting so fucking bad. You told me when I chose for it to. I chose. I chose to stop being in love with a man who was never in love with me. And you give me silence. I guess you needed me in love with you to be my friend. You don't get my best when you give me your afterthought. If the result is silence, thank you for that answer. It tells me I didn't give up. I was loving someone who couldn't love me.

[silencecoco]

[silencecoco]

I want to take you on a date. As friends. No more hiding you.

[silencecoco]

Silcnceo

Fucking silent treatment... You are that guy, Jeff. The one who wants me when you need me and completely disregards me when you don't. You want silence, I'll provide it. You made it clear, CRYSTAL clear, for the last time that you don't want me. All you had to do was take my hand. I TOLD you that you, a healthy, whole you, were worth waiting for. All those pieces fell into place. Not gonna hurt me anymore? Not gonna hide me anymore? ANYMORE? Exactly. Because you never TOLD her you were leaving her, never told her about me. All the hell you gave me, and YOU were the one keeping me a secret. STILL, I said take my hand. Let me love you. Begged you. You. Don't. Want. Me. But you're too fucking cowardly yo say it. No, you just say I'm where I belong. I guess I am. I won't be punished for loving you BY you anymore. I've hung on to you for three years, waiting for you to be the man you ARE. Until yesterday I would have jumped for you. Thank you for the clarification. I'll be your friend. You don't get my heart anymore. And once you feel that, and figure out you FINALLY made it irreversible, THEN you will know grief. Maybe Heather will hold your hand. Because right now I DO NOT believe she's leaving.

[silencecoco]

[silencecoco]

[silencecoco]

What DO you love?

Smart ass girls who speak in riddles...good try.