sigyn2012

[sigyn2012]

2023: You can be done already!!

When we last left off, Jake was forced to resign by my boss and the secretary of ALL. Jake nearly broke down in tears several times during his farewell speech and I’ve been officially blamed for why he had to resign. Jake has since withdrawn from everything and has given up on ever having a future. I’m still getting ‘reminders’ that everything will be back to normal as soon as I’m six feet under and I’m doing my best to ensure that it happens as it absolutely devastates me that I’m the reason why he can’t have a future, go to any kind of activities/initiatives, or see his family and friends ever again.

I was alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas as my family is still angry with me for becoming my own person in August 2022 and everyone that I know from self-advocacy sees me as a liability and an instigator. The new year started with a leak in my dishwasher that was leaking for at least 3-4 months yet no one would do anything until it got really bad. I’m now in the process of finding a new place to live as I refuse to stay in a place where I have to question whether things will be fixed or not. We had our bylaws meeting as well and on the first one, I told the committee the changes that my boss has been wanting for over a year and now everyone thinks that I’m trying to tear the group apart. The secretary of ALL is now a state employee and I’m required to give her all of my responsibilities by the end of February as she is replacing me as facilitator of ALL and I will be doing virtually nothing from now on as Jake’s staff has stated that I’m the reason why Jake hates self-advocacy now and that he wishes I was dead so that he’ll be safe at self-advocacy meetings.

I’m also not seeking treatment for an issue that has to deal with my red blood cells gradually lowering despite my iron levels being on the high side of normal and my white blood cells being marginally high or marginally low. I’m doing the blood tests to find out what is going on with me and to find out what stage it is at, however, I’ve already signed the papers stating that I won’t seek treatment for any of the issues that are diagnosed. I’ve already been told that whatever is going on is of late stage and I know that once I’m six feet under, Jake will get all rights and privileges restored, be immediately released from LSTC, immediately become his own guardian, and will immediately have his future back. I’ve already ruined his life enough by existing and this is one way that I can make him feel safe again.

[sigyn2012]

Things have gone downhill significantly here in 2022; while a few positive things have happened, the backlash I’ve received from them has been very intense and severe.

My mom died on April 10th after complications from choking on a piece of steak left her in a coma for a week; she was only 61. My brother had my aunt and I removed from the hospital a couple days before she died as the issues from childhood reached critical mass and I was told to leave and not come back. I was nearly banned from the funeral and the entire time I was there, I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Since then, my family has become even more angry with me because I became my own person on August 16th after my former conservator was removed and I was found to be competent after 13 long years. I also got my permit on October 3rd which has led to further anger from my family. They state they’re proud of me in public, however, in private, it is something entirely different.

Things have also been extremely difficult for me due to the severe bullying I’ve been enduring from my boss since September 2021 and it is going to rapidly intensify in January 2023 because Jake will no longer be able to protect me from the most severe aspects of the bullying I’ve endured after he was coerced into resigning from being president of the self-advocacy organization in our state and I’m stated as the main reason. The bullying has resulted in over a dozen suicide attempts since September 2021 with the one in May 2022 being the closest to succeeding. I’ve been told many, many times by my boss that Jake will immediately be released from LSTC, immediately become his own guardian, and get addicted rights restored to him as soon as I’m six feet under and she will not back down until it happens.

I’m not even going to hope for anything in 2023 as it’s not worth it and things are just going to keep escalating until my boss, Jake’s staff, administrators, and several others get the outcome that they’re desperately seeking for.

[sigyn2012]

Things have marginally improved since I last posted. I didn’t get fired from my job however my boss is now showing me a side I was clearly not expecting. She’s also blindly following Jake’s staff when it comes to things; despite overwhelming evidence that what they’re saying and doing is wrong. I’m also supposed to be in a corner whenever I’m in the same room as Jake and I must be handcuffed, shackled, and muzzled; even though he’s 6’5” and I’m 4’10” and he could easily snap my neck to neutralize any kind of threat against him. I also have to walk back to the hotel immediately upon conclusion of trainings when I’m in Grafton, regardless of weather conditions (currently in Grafton, North Dakota it is -15 degrees air temperature with a windchill of -45). At this point, I actually want Jake to just totally flip out of me and have it result in my death as that is the only thing that will make his staff and my boss happy as I would no longer be a threat to their walking money bags and Jake would become so despondent that he would lose the will to live (his staff and parents have been rooting for him to be like that for many years as they see him as a burden and that things would be much better for them if he wasn’t alive).

[sigyn2012]

When we last left off, I was on the verge of having a boyfriend after 7 years and I was waiting for my cousin’s trial to finally happen. Fast forward several months and the following has happened:

My cousin’s trial finally happened at the end of November and thankfully he was found guilty!!! My family and I are now able to breathe a much needed sigh of relief as he can’t ever hurt anyone else and he will be forced to take his paranoia schizophrenia medication. The entire time we were waiting for the trial to happen and during the trial, my family and I had to have an action plan in place in case he escaped from jail or he got acquitted of all charges. I still have an action plan on standby just in case I ever need to use it.

Here is what’s going on with Jake:

Things started off really intense and there were several times where we came close to kissing(and in one case, he was looking for a place to fuck me), however, his staff or his stupid roommates would pop up and we’d have to pull back at the last second. After he told me ‘I wish you were with me permanently’, I naturally put that in his notes and gave them to his staff as that was what I’m required to do. That started their incessant attempts to drive a wedge between us and I’m thinking that my boss is on it to some extent as well, even though she stated that it was okay that I dated Jake and even said that she would help get us together. Jake and I remained resistant to his staff’s demands until the early part of last month when his staff called my boss and told him a bunch of stuff that I’m still trying to wrap my head around. Apparently, whenever I’m around him, I make him so uncomfortable that he has thought of suicide multiple times and maybe even attempted it. It’s also been stated that the only way he’ll be released from the modern day institution that he lives in and become his own guardian is if I were to die as that is the only way they’ll know for sure that he’ll be safe. The day after my boss told me that Jake is absolutely terrified of me, his staff filed a formal complaint against me and tried to get me removed from my job and labeled as a predator. That was a very intense week and a half as I had no idea what was going to happen to me; I had my resignation letter typed out and one of my friends in Iowa was on standby in case I was forced to resign from my job. Ten days after the complaint was filed; I was cleared of all charges and nothing will go in my record as the accusations were seen as outright false and baseless. I also found out that Jake made an impassioned speech to the investigators and they wrapped up the investigation shortly after they interviewed him. I would really really like to know what he said as it would put to bed a number of things I’ve been told the past month. I also would like to have a one on one meeting with him; NO STAFF, ADMINS, PSYCHOLOGISTS/PSYCHIATRISTS, OR PARENTS!!! It would have no time limit and we can be totally open about everything without fear of repercussions from anyone. I’ll sign any and all waivers to make damn sure that he doesn’t get in trouble at LSTC or in any legal trouble(nor will I ever testify against him under any circumstances!!!!)!!!! I have a few things that I want to discuss with him that are related to the things that have been going on, plus I want to give him an opportunity to go absolutely primal on me; he’s more than earned it at this point and he can get a bunch of pent up rage and frustrations in multiple departments out of his system. I’m also really really really really really really hoping that he goes into ‘be careful what you wish for, you might just get it’ territory with me as he has clearly earned that right and then some(plus there’s indications that he’s been toying with that idea for a while)because at least then it’ll be extensive karmatic justice on multiple levels plus if it ends in a gruesome murder, no one will ever convict him because all anyone would do upon seeing my mental health record is go ‘he did the world a favor and a massive public service’ and give him many accolades in the process.

[sigyn2012]

When we last left off, things were going in its usual catalysmal spiral and I was afraid that things were going to be a trilogy of shitty years; that is until June arrived.

In June, the self-advocacy organization that I’m now director of was given the green light to see each other in person. I got to finally meet the guy I’ve had a major crush on since Christmas 2020 in person and he didn’t disappoint in the slightest. His name is Jacob ‘Jake’ Anderson. He’s in his late 20s-early 30s, about 6’5”, about 190 lbs, has medium-dark brown hair, piercing blue eyes(wears black plastic framed glasses for reading). When he first saw me, his first words were ‘you’re here, you’re here, you’re finally here!’ for a good 10-15 minutes; not even my family gets that excited to see me!!! It threw me for a loop at first, however, I adjusted to it much quicker than I expected. He had to be right next to me the whole time and was tickled pink when he found out I was single. The next week was the quarterly meeting and I got to see him again; when I called his name to come over, he galloped over to me! I don’t care who you are, that’s something I’m going to definitely notice and remember! When his support staff came to find him, he introduced me to her like it was a dry run for meeting his parents. The entire time we were at the meeting, he had to be right next to me, if I went somewhere else, he bolted to me. There were a few times where I thought he was going to kiss me and in my mind I was saying ‘kiss me god damnit! I will use so much tongue, you won’t know what to do!’, however, his staff came by to ruin the moment. During the board meeting last month, I blurted out of nowhere ‘come over to my house and I’ll cook you something!’ He sprang up and said ‘SURE!!!’ At the end of the board meeting, I was like ‘did I just make a date and he accepted?’ This was followed by ‘oh shit, don’t fuck this one up Carrie!’ My own boss has even agreed to help get us together as apparently the sparks between us are well known to everyone at the self-advocacy organization. I really, really, really hope that we’re able to be with each other as I see a very intense Romeo and Juliet scenario in the making if anyone or anything interferes in us being together. I’m also really, really, really hoping that I can pull enough strings to get him out of the ‘transition center’ which is a modern day institution being passed off as something warm and fuzzy & get him to be his own guardian. His diagnoses are high functioning autism and generalized anxiety disorder; his IQ is 90 and therefore doesn’t meet the threshold for intellectual disability. He has no history of violence or behaviors that would warrant such a placement or guardianship. I’m at the point where I’m gathering as many national and international contacts as possible to get him out as that is the only way I may be able to get him out (plan B is to have him knock me up as we both want to get married and have children).

I can’t wait to see him again on Wednesday for the board meeting and on Friday for the conference comm meeting; I have a few tricks up my sleeve for telling him about what I’d like for us to be doing and I know he’ll be absolutely elated when sees and hears about them.

[sigyn2012]

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. The misery that is 2021 has really thrown a number of monkey wrenches at me; some of which have probably hit my left knee as that has been acting up something for six weeks yet because it’s not a Covid related issue, I can’t see anyone for it.

Last month, my maternal grandpa died at age 90 from complications of progressive supranuclear palsy; it’s a form of Parkinson’s disease. We had the funeral in Minnesota and it was a nice service. I found out that my maternal grandpa was a veteran at the funeral; he never talked about anything like that. He served in the army for a few years and nearly went to Korea, however, he was almost up in his enlistment so he went down to Texas and was a drill sergeant for six months. My maternal grandpa was a land surveyor for many years and he even had his own land surveyor business for several years after he retired from the company he worked for. He affectionately called me toots and taught me how to be independent as he told me that even though I have a disability, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do anything. I miss him very much.

We had an unexpected issue come up before the funeral as my cousin, who is currently awaiting trial, is continuing to pull a bunch of shenanigans in order to get the charges dismissed. He nearly succeeded in getting the courts to accept an agreement in which he would go to the state hospital for 18 months followed by being released with his record expunged and no issuance of taking his paranoia schizophrenia medicine. The North Dakota Supreme Court however blocked it and said he has to go trial. It has been pushed back to October because he refuses to sign things so that the prosecution can have access to a number of records. We had to come early for the funeral and all family members had to have a game plan in place in case he succeeds in getting away with killing my uncle. I have several plans in place and I have a number of locations that I can go to and hide out if I need to do so.

I also will be a bridesmaid in a wedding at the end of May. My biggest challenge so far is finding a dress that’ll fit me and not make me look like a slut as apparently anyone who is plus size is just dying to show their breasts to everyone and everything. My other issue is that most dresses are made for people over 5’6” and I’m only 4’10” so I’m going to be drowning in whatever dress I get. I might have a problem trying to find dress shoes as I wear a size 4 and a half shoe and I can’t wear heels due to issues with my left knee and left hip(and I can’t afford multiple surgeries). I’m already being relegated to watching the kids at the reception as I’m the only one who is single and unless I can come up with an elaborate plan to find someone while I’m at several layovers at Greyhound stations; I’m going to be the only one taking care of close to 30 kids between the ages of 0-9 and it’ll be a contest to see how long I can handle it before I need a crack team of lawyers due to the high felony per capita ratio I’ll achieve.

I do have a series of plans for something I’ve been told I need to do for a number of reasons that I won’t be disclosing and I’m going to try to initiate at least one of them during my trip in May. I’m hoping I can get the first one initiated as it’s the hardest one and once it gets initiated, I’ll be able to do the rest with relative ease.

[sigyn2012]

2021.....yeah! (Slow golf clap)

Everyone was looking forward to seeing the new year as 2020 was an absolute dumpster fire and then some. It looked promising for a few days and then someone or something felt that 2020 wasn't interesting enough and decided to kick things up a bajillion notches. Since then, things have become extremely unpredictable. They've also become extremely nerve racking for a number of people as well.

For me, I've been even more careful than usual when it comes to how I interact with people. I already have to have a high number of protocols in place because I have autism and all I know how to do is create constant social faux-pas and fuck things up for everyone and everything. I also have a separate list of protocols I have to do because my self-advocacy work often involves nonprofit organizations and therefore there are a number of restrictions on things that can be discussed. I also have what seems like a never ending list of protocols I have to use when dealing with family because all I know how to do is create problems in the family and become the next possible scandal/front page for the gossip mills. There is also another set of protocols that I have to use and it's not something that I talk about as anytime I do say anything about it, I either get extreme scorn or downright hostility because I don't fit a particular narrative for a large number of people.

I'm a conservative and in the self-advocacy field, anyone who is a conservative is seen as a hateful person who needs to be eliminated by any and all means necessary. I've had numerous run-ins with those who run the self-advocacy organizations ever since I became involved with self-advocacy and in many instances, I'm told(usually yelled or screamed)that the only way I can become a true self-advocate is to become a Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist. I don't know how that is possible as each one of those forms of Communism has its own theological, economical, philosophical, social, and ideological forms that often contradict one another and in some cases, it would become paradoxical in nature. If being a conservative in the self-advocacy field was bad enough, be someone who is of faith and oh boy, you pretty much pray that being run out of town only to be featured on a future episode of Unsolved Mysteries is the best possible scenario that happens to you whenever you have anything to do with the self-advocacy field as being a person of faith is seen as infinitely worse than being a conservative. Because I fit into those two boxes, I rarely if ever actively engage with those who are in the self-advocacy field outside of work and other initiatives as I don't know what is going to set people off and I don't know what will make them cross the line; especially in light of how things are in this world now. This year will be particularly difficult for me and it wouldn't surprise me if someone did cross the line at a self-advocacy event or initiative and at this point in my life, it's not a question of if it will happen but when it will happen.

[sigyn2012]

I know I haven't been real active here lately, however, this year has been very tough on me, much like it has been for everyone. My cousin's trial has been delayed yet again for an indefinite period of time and my family just wants it over with so that he can be in prison for the rest of his life and so my family doesn't have to worry about him coming after the rest of us.

As far as being in North Dakota is concerned, I've been quietly looking into moving to another state since everything that happened last year and because my job has been treating me like I'm a preschooler(our last weekly Zoom meeting included a show and tell portio). I have my sights set on Carson City, Nevada as Nevada has the chance to become a real powerhouse in the self-advocacy field; they just need a little push to get them in the right direction. I'm hoping that I can get my ducks in a row within the next year or two so that I can effectively move on and have the next chapter be one where it is a lot happier and a lot less stressfu. 2020, it'd be so great if you would just end, right here, right now and if you're trying to signal the four horsemen of the apocalypse and the Anti-Christ to appear; could you just stop with all the middleman things that signify their return and just do it already? It'd really help us out a lot, plus the clues you're showing us are really becoming confusing to us.

[sigyn2012]

Dear 2020,

I know you're trying your best to make a grand entrance with this being the start of a new decade and all, however, there comes a time when it's no longer cool, provocactive, trending, or acceptable and this is one of those times.

We here on planet Earth feel that you need an intervention, right here, right now! STOP TRYING TO KILL US!!! WE CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH!!!! Your older sibling 2019 went on a never ending rampage because we did'nt keep them in check and we sure as hell aren't going to let you go down their destructive path!!! Your younger sibling 2021 is very impressionable and we don't want them to follow in you and your older sibling's footsteps so we're commandeering you and putting you in intensive rehab in the hopes that you get the help you so desperately deserve.

Sincerely,

Everyone on planet Earth

[sigyn2012]

Can 2020 stop playing this epic prank it’s cooked up for world, please?

Apparently 2020 decided to do a hold my beer moment and create an epic prank that no one is finding funny at all. Because of the corona virus; all sports have been cancelled. I was really looking forward to seeing the St. Louis Cardinals play and have an amazing season this year!!! I was also looking forward to seeing some golf and soccer! This has also done a number on kids. My oldest niece and oldest nephew are seniors in high school this year and I really don’t want them to be told ‘sorry, there’s no graduation ceremony for you this year’. My personal fear is that the school will have all the seniors repeat their senior year because they weren’t allowed to graduate high school this year because of what’s going on and that will disrupt and permanently alter so many lives. It may seem like a far fetched thing, however, with how unpredictable things are this year, I wouldn’t put it past anyone doing that. My family might not be able to celebrate my maternal grandpa’s 90th birthday in June and that will be really hard for us as it was the one positive thing we’ve been looking forward to after the epically shitty year my family had last year. My grandpa is in a nursing home and has progressive supranuclear palsy, which has elements of Parkinson’s and dementia so we don’t know have much time we have left with him. While he still has his faculties, he can’t really talk anymore and he gets frustrated when he get what he wants to say out. My cousin’s trial has also been postponed to either July or September; depending on how things go and how many delay tactics my cousin will throw in their way. I also have to be worried about him being released from jail to make room for isolation units in the jail. Ever since this all started, I’ve been trying really hard to make sure all my needs are met as public transportation has been reduced to almost nothing and I don’t have a license(I am working on getting a license so keep it down!). I have to walk everywhere to get things and while I can get my meds mailed to me(which is a big relief for me) and I can get my groceries delivered to me on occasion; it isn’t enough to make things doable. I still have to walk to get groceries in between the long stretches in which I can get groceries delivered to me and I have to walk to get any personal goods I may need. I’m already dreading doing so because I’ve gotten so many death glares and hostile remarks because I have to be out and about to get things. I even get death glares just for taking out the trash, checking the mail, and going out on my balcony for some fresh air. I still have to take out the trash as that is a requirement in my lease agreement and I have to check the mail in case I get bills or a paycheck. I don’t know why people are so hostile to me for being out on my balcony; I’m on the second floor, I rarely talk to anyone, and I’m trying to get some fresh air since going out for a walk can probably be grounds for the death penalty these days. When it comes to me getting groceries and personal goods; I’ve been called every name in the book, had my life threatened at a dozen times, and one person chucked a glass bottle at me(good thing I can duck!). If I’m supposed to die in my apartment because I’m not considered worthy enough to get groceries and personal goods, then someone better tell me so I can be compliant with what they want because I have no other options to get things as public transportation is suspended, the closest person who can help me is my aunt who is two hours north of me and she has a grandson who is severely immunocompromised so she won’t risk giving him anything, and whenever I ask people to please help me; 99% of them either yell at me, accuse me of causing this whole thing, or scream that if anyone dies from this thing because I went out to get things that I should be charged with murder. The other 1% either ignore me or will only give me a ride one time because they’re afraid of being arrested for being out in public. It really makes me wonder if I am just supposed to wither away and die “for the good of the people” because it certainly feels like it. There is also a growing number of people who feel that the stay at home orders should be extended for 5 years as that will make absolutely certain that the corona virus is eliminated. Do they not know how much irreparable harm that would cause to people and the economy? All jobs would cease to exist, all banks would fold up and fail, and all governments would have major calamities befalling them. No form of government would be safe and unless all anarchists are going to volunteer to be police officers, firefighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and teachers for absolutely no pay whatsoever because there would be no currency left on Earth; I don’t see it working at all as all that would happen is endless death and destruction with dictators arising from all known countries as a way to get society functioning again. 2020 is not going to end well and at the rate things are going; it’s best time to start rooting for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to arrive because then at least there’s an end date in sight for the corona virus.

[sigyn2012]

I’m Done with 2020, Bring on 2021!

I knew things were already going kind of shitty for me in 2020 before the corona virus decided to make an epic entrance on the world stage, however, with the way things are going now, I’m officially done with 2020! Because of what’s going on, I have no idea when my cousin is actually going to go on trial as the courts are shut down and this gives him ample time to fire another slew of lawyers in an attempt to have his case thrown out as he figures if he fires enough lawyers, they have to throw it out. In addition to that, there’s a chance I could lose my job as a consultant for self-advocacy organizations as the places that do grants aren’t currently available to do them and that is how I get paid. There are a few other things that are irritating to some extent, however, I know why they had to do it. I was really looking forward to seeing the St. Louis Cardinals play! Baseball is my favorite sport and it’s something I look forward to every year! Please let baseball have a season this year!!!! I was looking forward to seeing golf and the Premier League games! Please let them come back, even if you have to do it without fans! I was also supposed to do several self-advocacy trainings and initiatives; including a really cool one in Kansas City Missouri. While I know I have to wait until next year for the Kansas City one, I would like to have the other self-advocacy trainings and initiatives happen(especially since I’m getting paid for them and with the threat of not having a job looming overhead, I could really use the financial help right now)as I’m being allowed total creative freedom with most of them and I’ve been working really hard on these trainings and initiatives!!! I know that by irritated with these inconveniences, I’m being a selfish person who should be drawn, quartered, boiled, burned at the stake, and beheaded; however, I am human and let’s just face it, everyone is going to be a bit selfish from time to time, it’s in our nature. I’m already wondering how this all going to play out as bus service has pretty much come to a grinding halt and the new system in place has a huge backlog of calls for trips. Taxi service is suspended until further notice and Uber is looking at suspending services here in Bismarck should things get worse. I don’t have a license so that means I have to walk everywhere to get things. I know I can get my groceries delivered, however, it could be 1-2 weeks before I can get them to that and there’s talk of that service being suspended as well. I’m really hoping that the mall that I get my prescriptions from stays open as I can’t go without my calcium replacement therapy medication and if things are still going strong in May, I’ll be out of my thyroid medication. There’s a part of me that wants to hide under a rock and wait for this to end and there’s a part of me that wants to go into psychotic supervillain mode. The part of me that wants to hide under a rock is because of how things have gone to hell and a handbasket and then some in a matter of days and because my mom is high risk due to type II diabetes and COPD. The part of me that wants to go into psychotic supervillain mode is from all the fucking idiots who are panic buying and getting into brawls over fucking toilet paper and hand sanitizers. There are those who are elderly, immune compromised, pregnant, shut-in or disabled who also need to have food and supplies too you fucking dumbasses!!! There are several elderly people, disabled people, and shut-ins who live in my building with most of them not having family, friends, or caretakers to help them get things and that really scares me as they could die because some fuckhead felt that they needed to get ten years worth of food and fifty lifetimes worth of toilet paper!!!! We should be so much better than this!!! What the fuck has happened to our society that we’d rather become stupid fucking lemmings and follow the idiot ring leader who thought that panic buying was such a great fucking idea? We need to do better and we need to come together and show the world and other galaxies that we’re not just a bunch of fucking idiots trying to see how many people we can make miserable or kill in one foul swoop!!!! I’m now looking forward to 2021 as 2020 is officially written off for me and most of the world. Here is what I’d like to have happen in 2021: My friend Michelle makes it to North Dakota(if she gets here in 2020, that’d be awesome) I have a better job with more pay, better hours, and a shit ton more respect Being able to transition from being under a conservatorship to being full capacity Meeting a tall handsome redhead who will sweep me off my feet and has a dark and mysterious side to him that will probably land me on a future episode of Unsolved Mysteries(what can I say, I’m eccentric, learn to deal with it!) Getting my drivers license so I don’t have to worry about public transportation shutting down again Looking at houses and seeing what I’d like to have and how I can afford to have a home of my own Finally having my cousin go to trial, get convicted, and sentenced so that way he can pay for his crime, so my family can finally get justice for my uncle and so we can finally move on with our lives 2021 better be better than this year and it has to be better than 2019 because this series of shitty years has got to end and I really don’t think this needs a trilogy to complete the series!!!!

[sigyn2012]

2020 so far....

2020 has so far been okay, I guess. There are some positives; this year so far only two people I knew have died compared to 12 at this time last year. I didn’t cry on my birthday like I did last year(even though I’m not particularly thrilled with being 37), and I may have some new opportunities opening up for me whereas last year at this time, TUMS, Maalox, and Mylanta were my best buddies. (Knock on wood that I get those opportunities). There are also some negatives; I’m still trying to process and deal with my uncle’s murder that happened in May last year, my cousin(the one responsible for my uncle’s murder)is making things incredibly difficult for the family and is trying to delay the trial by constantly firing his lawyers, I still don’t know why I have so many enlarged lymph nodes in my neck, armpits, thyroid area, lower jaw, and back of my neck & I still don’t know why multiple masses have been found in me or if there are any others I don’t know about, my job is absolutely terrible and I’m expected to be some halfwit yokel who doesn’t know anything about self-advocacy despite all my training, experience, and qualifications, and the questions that I get constantly by my family have amplified to beyond nth degree measures. The next month is going to be a bit tense for me as I have to get another ultrasound on my neck, I have to do a babyized version of self-advocacy training in Dickinson(even though I’d much rather have the trainings mean something tangible and concrete), have Easter with my aunt, and get ready for possible pre-trial stuff with my cousin(the trial has been delayed yet again until July or September). I’ll try my best to let everyone know what’s going on and if I’m not put in a sequin encrusted straitjacket or doped up on so many medications that drooling in a corner and/or soiling myself is considered a productive day; I’ll state how everything went and what are the next steps on a number of things I may need to consider.

[sigyn2012]

2020. It’s already turning into a shitty reboot of 2019.

When we last left off, I’d just gotten back to North Dakota after spending a week and a half in Minnesota over the holidays and I was told that I needed an endoscopic ultrasound because of a nodule found in my stomach...... On January 17th, I had the endoscopic ultrasound done. Things went well for the most part with the only exception being that it took 16 times to get an IV in me because of how small my veins are; I even made a nurse cry at some point, which is nothing new for me as I’m used to having it take multiple attempts to get IVs and bloodwork done on me. I even had one phlebotomist in Minnesota walk off the job and scream the f word at me for 20 minutes as apparently I was the bane of her existence and that no job was worth dealing with me(I usually get that kind of a reaction from ex-boyfriends, my ex-fiancé, or from former teachers). They did the biopsy and six days later, it came back benign. I was told that the likelihood of other nodules and masses being found is extremely high and that I should be prepared for such a thing in the coming year as a number of tests are going to be needed to determine how many there are, what’s causing this sort of thing to happen, and how it can be treated. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was told that because of the high likelihood that my cousin will be going to trial starting in April, that I need to be prepared to testify at his trial in relations to his state of mind before he murdered my uncle last year. While I have no problems with testifying at the trial, I’m more concerned about his lawyer using the adage that because I have autism and have had mental health issues in the past, that means that there is a ‘bad gene’ floating around and that is why my cousin murdered his dad. I’m also concerned that my cousin will have his lawyer use my autism against me to make me look bad, seem stupid, or seem in need of some extreme form of immediate treatment because I’m as big of a ticking time bomb as he is and therefore I shouldn’t be allowed in society in any way shape or form. I’m also terrified of the prospect that he will take a sweetheart plea deal in which he serves 50 years in prison with parole in 20 years and if he has good behavior, he’ll only serve 6 and a half years. He also isn’t required to have any kind of counseling or medication while in prison and he will have his record expunged after leaving prison. He has openly stated multiple times that he will go after anyone who was nice to my uncle in any capacity if he ever gets the chance to do so. Why in the fuck would you even remotely give him such a sweetheart plea deal in the first place, let alone not require him to get counseling and be on medication while in prison? You’re just asking for him to commit another murder and you have no idea how far he’s willing to go to make such a thing happen. He needs to be locked up for the rest of his life with absolutely no chance at parole and he must be required to get counseling and medication while in prison. He also shouldn’t be allowed to serve his sentence in any kind of minimum or medium security prison as he’d just walk right out of prison and you’d never hear or see him again unless it’s because he killed another person. He needs extensive help because he is a paranoid schizophrenic who refuses to take medication and uses illegal drugs and alcohol as a form of self medication; making him a danger to himself and anyone around him. I’m already worried about the way 2020 is going to go and from the way it’s looking, it’s going to be a very shitty reboot of 2019 in which no one wins and everything turns to complete and utter shit by the end of the year.

[sigyn2012]

2019: One Last Kick in the Head for all Times Sake

While it is now 2020, I did get one last kick in the head in 2019 because apparently things weren’t bad enough already. Things had went well with the lower GI endoscopy and colonoscopy procedure on the 18th and I figured that was the last of it for the year. Then came the phone call on the 30th. While the colon polyp they removed was benign, the supposed fatty cyst near my stomach is actually a gastric mass and that I need to have an endoscopic ultrasound in order to find out if I have stomach cancer or not. I’m well aware that I’ve pissed off a number of people in the past and that some retribution would eventually be in order, however, all the shit that happened in 2019 can’t possibly be the answer. If retribution is so badly needed for me, I’d like to have a custom tailored approach to this issue as what I have in mind would satisfy any and all parties(especially all those boys that I was obsessed with in school) and it would be a fitting end to me as I have it drawn out over a 30 year timespan and it would cause tremendous amounts of constant misery and/or pain which would inevitably end in my murder by a future spouse or my rather gruesome suicide(which may or may not be an actual murder); in any case, everyone wins in the end. 2020 is looking to be a repeat or at the very least a mock buster variation of 2019 and if it’s anything remotely close to what 2019 was, it’s going to be a very long and depressing year and it’ll be the ultimate sanity test to see if I have the permanent psychotic breakdown that’s always looming overhead or not. Either way, it’s not real promising in any aspect.

[sigyn2012]

Countdown to being mom’s caretaker for Christmas

Before I get into the Christmas part of the story, I should let you know how Thanksgiving went. My mom, my uncle/conservator, and his two dogs arrived on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Things went okay at first because they treated me like I was the elephant in the room due to all the health issues I’m dealing with. Then cane Thanksgiving dinner. Mom did her usual and started ranting and raving about politics while I did my best to deal with it in the hopes that she’d be too tired to ask me the usual questions I get. It mostly worked; about halfway through the meal, I started getting the usual questions along with the usual subtle jabs about me being a failure because I didn’t get a fancy degree and make more money than humanly possible along with the other subtle jabs at me because I haven’t clubbed some rich guy’s head and dragged him off to a justice of the peace(this should give you a hint about their actual priorities). Things got marginally better on Friday when my uncle/conservator took me to get some new boots(my old ones had one of them being held together with duct tape), a Christmas tree and ornaments, and an exhaustive search for a winter coat that wasn’t too tight in the arms or too small in the chest. We weren’t able to get a winter coat so he ordered me one and I got it a week later. We decorated the tree that evening and it was relatively calm. Saturday was a different story. My uncle/conservator took me grocery shopping and he was giving me non-verbal messages he was going to pay for them so I didn’t bring my purse. About halfway through the store, he picked up an item and said he’d pay for that item while I got the rest. I told him that I didn’t bring my purse and he flipped out on me in the store. After he paid for the groceries and got them out to the car; he did apologize for his outburst. Because I did something stupid yet again; the conservatorship has been extended for two years, I’m not allowed to use the taxi or ride sharing things without his explicit permission, for a while I wasn’t allowed to get my groceries delivered during the winter(if you’ve been to North Dakota during any month resembling winter, you can understand why having my groceries delivered would be something very useful; especially since I don’t have a driver’s license and the bus doesn’t go anywhere close to my nearest grocery store), and I now have to go to a therapist(which is going to be difficult because my insurance is craptacular at best and the only one that I can see is at the state hospital in Jamestown, which is 90 miles away and it requires me to be in there for a 10 day session for diagnostic purposes; transportation would also an issue with me as the county transportation system for people with disabilities has a 40 mile limit). I’m also seen as an ungrateful brat who expects everything to be handed to them on a silver platter and possibly even a hussy. The incident that happened with my uncle/conservator is a major example of why I rarely leave my house. The only thing I’m good at excelling at is creating constant social faux-pas and getting in trouble with everyone and everything. My family has an uncanny ability to find about them and I’m yelled at, threatened, and made to be put in tears because the constant social faux-pas I create are akin to a major scandal of some sort for the family. If anything, my family should be thanking me for rarely engaging with anyone because I���m doing them a huge favor by not being near people(even if it means that the likelihood of something happening to me and no one finding out about it for days or weeks on end is exponential and the fact that I’m basically begging for someone to come to my house and chloroform me, followed by me waking up in an abandoned warehouse that’s run by the mob[I have preferences on which faction of the mob I’d rather deal with: 1. Irish mob, 2. Russian mob, 3. Polish mob, 4. Moldavian mob, 5. Hungarian mob]because it’ll mean something happened in my pathetic excuse of a life; even if it meant an inevitable violent and gruesome death). The rest of the time they were there; my uncle/conservator was hostile towards everyone and I got the brunt of my mom’s wraith because she was getting hostility thrown at her by him as well. This leads to the countdown to being my mom’s caretaker for Christmas. After I get the lower GI endoscopy and colonoscopy on the 18th, my uncle/conservator is coming to get me on the 20th and I’ll be my mom’s caretaker until January 6th(my mom will take me back to Bismarck on the 4th and stay for two days). This means I have to make sure she doesn’t cause arguments with family or the public, make sure she takes her medication, make sure she eats something, make sure she goes to the bathroom and takes a shower, make sure she doesn’t have a gambling relapse, make sure she doesn’t burn down her trailer because she fell asleep while smoking, wait on her hand and foot and be at her beck and call 24/7, listen to her rant and rave about everything, endure subtle jabs at me for anything and everything, not show any form of thought or emotion, and hope she doesn’t get me evicted for smoking in my apartment building when she clearly knows that my apartment building is a smoke free building. In case you’re wondering why I’d agree to such a thing; it’s because I have no say in the matter. If my uncle/conservator tells me something, I’m required to do it because Minnesota law states that even though I’m my own legal guardian, the fact that I have a conservator means that I’m considered at partial capacity and therefore I’m not allowed any form of options or alternatives(and even though I live in Bismarck North Dakota, I still have to abide by the Minnesota order). If it were totally up to me, I’d either hide out in the desert southwest(it’s winter here in North Dakota 10 months of the year), go to Cocoa Beach Florida, or go visit some friends in Ireland. I know that when I’m married one day, I’ll go to my in-laws for Christmas because at least there; if I get treated like shit, it’d be expected because of them being my in-laws.

[sigyn2012]

The Countdown is On!!!!

The countdown to me hosting Thanksgiving dinner is on and I’m absolutely terrified of fucking up everything. My mom and my uncle/conservator are coming on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and staying until the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I’m already afraid of causing problems and getting yelled for having a pulse and breathing. I’m also afraid of the amount of questions I’m going to get; everything from the perpetual broken record questions to the questions about my health issues. When it comes to the perpetual broken record questions, I’ve run out of answers and anything I say or do will be met with yelling, extreme hyper criticism, lots of condescending talk and snickering, and the usual looks of disappointment and contempt. When it comes to the questions about the health issues, I’m not going to be able to answer them in the extensive amount of detail that they’ll want as there are many things that still need to be tested and ruled out and I can’t wiggle my nose and give them all the answers. This will also be met with yelling, accusations of lying, accusations of being horribly depressed and/or suicidal, and outright nth degree levels of interrogation. If it was just my uncle/conservator coming to visit, the overall fear factor I’m experiencing would be cut by 90%; having my mom come with exacerbates everything to incomprehensible degrees, which is one of the main reasons I left Minnesota. I was really hoping that my brother would be able to come because he stymies 95% of my mom’s behaviors and isn’t afraid to get in her face if need be. I’m already expecting a lot of intense questioning to happen and I know that I’m going to be yelled at for anything that’s considered a social faux-pas by my mom’s standards(which is basically me having any interaction with a human being; and my family wonders why I rarely leave my house). I’m also expecting demands that I find a husband within a year or two otherwise I’ll end up back in a group home or placed in an institution as that’s been rumbled about the past five years and after what happened in May, this sentiment has been amplified something fierce. I’ll let everyone know how it all went and how the gastroenterologist appointment goes this coming Monday after they leave.

[sigyn2012]

Thanksgiving

I’m doing Thanksgiving this year. I volunteered to do it because of all the shit my family has been through this year in the hopes that some joy will come out of something. I’m also dreading it because of my mom. My mom has a knack for instigating arguments out of anything you can think of and if you don’t engage her, she’ll come at you nth degree hard. It’s one of the main reasons I have knots in my stomach whenever she comes to visit; the knots will happen as soon as she announces her intention to visit all the way through a couple days after her visit because I always have to cleanup some kind of fallout(usually with family)or hope I don’t get evicted because she had the TV blaring 24/7 or was smoking in my apartment despite it being a non smoking apartment building. If I’m not dealing with that, I’m dealing with the usual questions: ‘when are you going to get married and have a family?’ ‘why don’t you have a job that’s highly lucrative?’ ‘how come you don’t go to college and get a doctorate degree in a highly lucrative career?’ and ‘why can’t you be successful like your brother?’. I’m already expecting a slew of questions/demands this year; especially with the first one and it’s majorly amplified by what happened in May. I have a name of someone all written up; including a whole list of favorites, family members, allergies, personal information, friends, and everything in between. My biggest task now is to find someone who’d be willing to take on this persona on a permanent basis as this will be the only way I’ll ever get them off my back.