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People keep saying to my face that my healing journey after surgery has gone really well. Better than expected.

And I mean, yeah sure I was keeping relatively healthy beforehand.

But I really don’t think people understand just how well I am at masking. A lot of it has been just that. A mask.

I got too good at my self preservation tactics that people seem to think I’m doing a lot better than I actually am.

I’m tired. I can barely do things for myself. I’m getting by, but it’s the bare minimum. Sleep is difficult. But also when is it not.

I take a 15 min shower and I need to sit for 10 mins afterwards just to recoup to continue afterwards.

People are scared to hug me, like I’ll be hurt if they touch me.

How do people not notice the massive bags under my eyes. The lack of energy. The random winces of pain.

The double edge sword.

(◞‸◟)

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Surgery went great.

But as it turns out it’s been a very lonely and isolating healing period.

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Life is good 👍

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I think something that people have to realize is that if you’re attracted to me that makes you fruity.

/just nb things

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I miss having someone to constantly talk to and who wants to talk to me all the time.

Idk I’m just lonely

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*seductively* doomed by the narrative all by yourself, handsome?

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being in this fandom is great because you wake up. You check tumblr. Docm77 has solved a famous physics equation that has perplexed mathmeticians for decades just to make another crazy-efficient farm in Minecraft and there are already memes about it. The Scary Boys and the Fish Men on Limited Life SMP have made out live on camera (this is a joke i havent watched a single life series video ever and i have all the tags blocked this is just what i hear). You scroll past 3 insanely beautiful pieces of fanart and there is not a single normal tag in the notes. You reblog a really good fandom meta post. You go and eat lunch and when you come back god is dead and the aros killed him with platonic scarian angst

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The urge to post angst shit is so high

I really need to take my mind meds.. dummy

Ugh

What do I want

I miss having someone to talk to

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Another Saturday another vent.

I’ve been sick for a week. Had to cancel my bday party with my friends. So now I’m chilling here all alone and sick.

I’m tired of being lonely.

It sucks not having company.

Tried reaching out to my brother but he’s out with his friends… that’s okay he should have fun.

My ex is having his third birthday celebration today as well.. I’ve resigned myself to ditch all my old friends because they just choose him and hearing about him hurts. He has a new girl. He’s moving. He’s doing things he never was doing for me when I asked or tried to support him… he was never going to. Why does that fact hurt me so much. Ugh

I will have a reschedule party with friends.

I’m just sad and sick of coughing.

Wish I had a brownie.

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One thing that has been really eye opening for me and changing my perception, is that when I tell friends about a ship of mine they don’t shame me for it.

I have so much fear about being shamed or called a pedo for it. All stemming from my Ex.

It’s so weird telling people I love BkDk and they are legit happy for me? Tell me omg that’s so cute and wholesome??

What is this life? I’m so not use to this living.

It’s a nice change. Friends support friends

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Fuck my ex.

Seeing them planning a thing on my bday weekend for a get together 👍

Going to make our friends choose. Cool.

Go fuck yourself you ass.

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One of my favourites things is that I can just sit and do whatever I want in my own house without question.

If I wanna sit on the hallway floor in a weird position for an hour reading fanfics I can

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Found out some of my friends who I thought were my friends have been more focused on making my Ex feel better.. doing things with him. I reached out, I tried. I did get a half baked response. And than radio silence… I’m a piece of shit

Am I the bad guy in this situation. Did I do myself wrong by not sharing with people I was close with how he hurt me. Now he looks like the good guy who got dumped by the heartless cow. It’s me I’m the cow.

Did I push them away. Why didn’t any of them reach out. He kicked me out of the groups. I didn’t try to hurt him.

Did I make a mistake leaving him? Was it really not as bad as I thought it was?

I go through things that happen and there was so much mental, and emotional abuse. And now I’m isolated. I’m isolating myself worse now because of it.

Fuck I hate myself.

Maybe I should contact them and see if they want to spend time with me… but I’m starting to feel like they don’t want to.

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I appreciate having this side blog. It really has enlightened me into some past things that I’ve been dealing with.

I finally told my spouse that I don’t feel the same way about our relationship. My spouse is now my Ex.

I miss them. But I see so much trauma and abuse over the years that have slowly broken me down. I want them to be happy. I want to be happy. I just wish we could have been friends…

I’m so proud of myself but I am hurting so badly.

Fuck. I didn’t share my life with someone and give them my all just to have it turn out this way.

They didn’t have to hurt me by bad mouthing me to friends.

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Need me someone who loves me through and through the way Philza and Trixtin love each other 🥲

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You know, the recent MHA really has me feeling like Deku and Katsuki are end game…

Just saying. Those two care quite a lot about another. Like a lot.