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im a lil drunk and also a lil high and i wanna ramble but odont want anyone to see so AYY old vent blog i havent touched in years

conall messaged me while i was out and my whole body did the lil wash of dread bc i keep getting scared every message will be a “we’re done” message. but he asked if i was ok and i said i was and how was he and i was out and he said he was good and if i was having fun and i said itd be more fun with him there

and he said he hoped i was having a good time and that he’d talk to me later and i said i was sorry if i was too much and he said i was fine and he just had work soon but. am i really fine or was he just saying that and ‘he’ll talk to me’ mean we’re gonna chat or we’re gonna TALK talk

im really in love with him and im sad texting hurts now. cause i dont know what we are or what we’re allowed to be and i just want to tell him i adore him but i csnt.

is him talking to me a good sign? is this bad signs?

i dont know and i think thats cause i never did ever try to work things out with a person when thy wanted to leave max and dino and grace without a fijt. this is my first time in something like this and i m lost

im really tied and my ocds baf and i know i shouldny be talking about max or grace or even dino but fuck yall thats my history and may e i doo need to let go more but thatll alays be a part of ,e

cant get called a murderer or have your sexual boundrsies overlooked or manipulated into being self destructed or string along for ,onthw without winding up with so,e kinda scars. and if im allowed to think of my dad i should be able to think of my other bad relationshops

i m still scared im a bad persom. i dont wanna be a bad person. and i, doing everything to not be one but i just keep hurting people and im scared

and i kinda wanna die but not in a auicide way! in! a i want an advrnture way. deaths an awfully big adventure, and sometime i feel like i have no adventures to have, and dwath seems like more of a hug than an ending. and i cant tell anyone cause theyd think i wanna die when really i wamt something bigger than myself and new oppertunities

and maybe i do beleive in so,ething bigger, i prayed sunday and monday and i didnt mean to but i did

i hust wish i knew someome or thing was listening, that i could just yell into the void and be heard and understood and comforted

i miss being comforted

i dont think i ever knew the meaning of the word til conall wrapped me in his arms while i was crying thst night

i want to be held. i want to be loved. and long distance is really scary and hard amd i just wish he was here and still loved me s he could hold me and id hold him

i want someone to think im worth taki g care of. i wakt someone to want to help me

im so lonely. and its scafy spending time with people, going out and getting hig and talking, and feel alone the whole time. i felt so alone and lost

i wanna feel loved

i wanna feel phsyical affection

i wanna feel anything but this, please,

please

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god i want to fucking kill mysl right now

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sometimes i lose the scarf i say im gonna hang myself with but i know where it is now we'll see how i feel when everyone goes to sleep

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we have no alcohol or weed or anything stronger hell id fucking do heroin rn if we had it i need drugs or alcohol or SOMETHING to give me a buzz or a high i cant fucking orgasam at all and i cang even get high anymore i might take extra meds before i sleep so i can fall asleep loopy as shit

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i need them to realizs theyre betrer off without me

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i hate that i loved it i hate that i want something like it i cant have it and its stupid because no one has it i need to just leave it to the stories and stop wanting things i can never have maybe some people can have it but im sure as hell not one of them

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im in a werid place right now

i wouldnt go looking for something and m not going to

but if i had a gun in my hands id be dead right now

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if ucked up  i fucke dup i fucked up i fucked up

theyll realize what a fucking burden i am and leave now

i fucked up im sorryu im sorry

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im selfsh im selfish im selfish im selfish m sofuckign selfish i jsut want to be taken care of for once and thats to o mcuh to ask imm selfish

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i cant remember the last time i was alone

i cant remember the last time i was truly alone and is it bad i want to be alone sometimes but I CANT

i cant be alone because if i turn off my phone and skype notifications and i dont check tumblr people die

if my friends are left alonet hey might kill themselves and itll be my fault i cant ever be alone i need to be there for them

i love them so much and im scared of being alone but i want it sometimes but i can never have it without having a panic attack because i love them so much i cant let them die if i leave them alone thent ehyll hurt themselves and itll be my fault i cant let htem die

everyone in my family keeps on telling me that im tearing myself to pieces because im forcing myself to be there for everyone

everyone says i need to take a break and take care of myself

they dont understand

no one understands

if i take a break or focus on myself for a second the people i love most will die

and it’ll be my fault

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im just alive because other people need me i wish i was fucking selfish enough to show them how wrong they are they can live FINE without me theyll realize it in a few years everyone fucking does im not good for anyone i never was

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im tired of being happy and positive why cant people just hate me and i can just die why cant i die i want to die please i just eant to fucjig die

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I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO FUCKING REALIZE IM SO MUCH WORSE THAN I LET ON I GET THOUGHTS OF KILLING MYSELF AND CUTTING MYSELF OPEN AND HURTING OTHERS AND ABUSING PEOPLE AND MANIPULATING OTHER PEOPLE CONSTANTLY IM CONSTANTLY TIRED AND FATIGUED AND FOGGY HEADED AND HURTING AND NUMB IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING AT WAR WITH MYSELF i just want to die because this stuff is never goingg to end my sicknesses are incurable and my ocd is always going to be there im never going to be normal and im so tired of fighting all i have is a fucking nail file and i wonder if its enough to slit my wrists maybe tonight when everyone goes to bed i can sneak out to the lake and cut my wrists and drown myself and if i take some pills too maybe they wont be able to save me

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i know i can’t control my intrusive thoughts and i know they arent me but they feel like they are but i know theyre not

i was thinking about the ways i was abused as a kid and then my cousin popped up and then it was just “hurt him the same way do it do it” and thinking those thoughts terrify me and disgust me but i cant get the image out of my head and im so scared

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hy cant i be normal and happy i just want to be okay for once in my fucking ife

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i fuck everything up i fuck everythign up i fucki everything up i fuck everything up

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you don’t deserve to be treated like this

i wish i could do more for you