shmdkei

[shmdkei]

Who was the first person that made you feel unlovable? - a quote I saw from a book in Tik Tok.

It was a face she made years ago. I could not tell you when that was. I remember the face and I remember the feeling of disgust that emitted from that face. She should’ve been the one with unconditional love but ever since that face, I realise her love was very much conditional.

I think I still see that face at the back of my mind. And you would think that this is a post where I tell you that I’ve since realised my worth - well, I’m sorry. I agree with that face. There are things that I do that is disgusting, unbecoming of an adult. I should do better, try harder. But, I don’t know how.

One day, this will all end and we will all be much better for it.

Goodnight.

[shmdkei]

Is everyone moving on without me?

Sunday, 4th August 2024, 2:02am.

The whole of Saturday, I kept thinking of how I felt like I was trapped. I went cycling through feelings of self-pity, then anger, then just despair at the way I’ve done life. I watched A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder - just realised on Netflix, and I resonated with the character of Ravi because he had mentioned he had felt trapped in his town. Then I go on another cycle of the same thoughts I’ve had from the afternoon.

I thought that I was doing well. I got myself a promotion last year, I’ve decided to fix my teeth, I made peace with my single-dom. Then, I meet my friends and they’re all getting married, already married, moving on with their lives. I have one friend who’s like me but she said “I’m okay with this life” and I agreed. Except, I don’t think I am. There was a nagging feeling after I nodded. That, I had been lying and was actually wishing for there to be more to my life.

My heart is filled with guilt cause I’m not helping with chores but also rage because of the way I’m treated. And then, guilt again because of how my dad’s treated, then rage again because of how my mum has decided to be, and then sympathy because I think she feels alone too. And I’m sure my dad feels the same.

My sisters have moved on. They don’t need to experience the cold shoulders and the fights. I get put between the cold shoulders and the fights, and I feel so guilty all the time.

My family started falling apart last year, and I thought it had gotten better. But I think, there’s no getting better. I think everyone’s pretending and moving on, and I should too but most of the time I feel alone. And I can’t talk to anyone because it feels like I have no one to talk to. And I feel like I’m just being dramatic over everything and that I’m just throwing myself a pity party but I really don’t know how to feel or what to do and it’s all so overwhelming.

Good night.

[shmdkei]

So, I’ve spent the whole night binge watching One Day on Netflix. Now, I’ve never watched the 2011 movie nor have I ever read the book. So, as you could imagine, I was bawling at 4am on a random Wednesday. Is that it, then? You get half a great love and then you die?

Why would anyone fight so hard to find love if it inevitably ends in heartbreak one way or another?

[shmdkei]

Feeling particularly unmotivated to live today. Don’t exactly want to die either. I just want to stop existing. It may seem similar to simply wanting to die but it’s not at all. To stop existing, people would forget who I am and I just simply would never have been. If I’d just died, then people will find out all things that I may have kept secret - and even after death, I don’t want people to know. Anyway, I’m just very unmotivated, uninspired and can’t seem to find my purpose. Obviously, I know I have a purpose from my religion’s standpoint and that that should be enough. But what if I’m struggling with that too?

[shmdkei]

I need to talk to somebody who will listen and not complete deny/ shut down my thought. Anyways. I think I have adhd (like for real) but it could also be like my brain trying to find an excuse for my shitty behaviour at work. Should I ask for help at work? Ah I don’t know. Shit. I’m so tired of this. I don’t want this life. From the way the parents react to kakak’s anxiety - I don’t think I even want to open a discussion about my self-diagnosed ADHD. 🙃

[shmdkei]

Why am I so sad today?

[shmdkei]

Every night my heart feels broken. No, it isn’t for reasons of romance. It’s just sadness. I think I might be slightly depressed but, I can get through my day just fine. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my sadness doesn’t control my ability to live. But, it also means that I hide and shove it deep down inside and every night, my heart bursts with emotions that I’d forgotten was buried. I also want to cry but I’m not alone here and frankly, I’m too embarrassed to cry infront of my sister. I need a break. From everything and everyone - the 8 hours of sleep is just not enough alone time. I find myself wishing to be in an accident, be placed in a coma. But then I think about all the work I’ve left undone and the fact that it would still be there and I would be in even more trouble for it. I am so tired. Again, death doesn’t seem so scary in these moments.

[shmdkei]

Is there some truth in my jokes?

This weekend, I made a couple jokes (or snide comments) about my eventual death. You see, I do that a lot as a jokey thing without really emphasising the death part to myself. So, why is it that this time, I took more time to think about dying when I make those jokes. For all we know, those jokes are just jokes and I’m overthinking them. I guess I’m too stressed and tired that it seems normal to crave eternal rest.

[shmdkei]

I’m uncertain.

It is the feeling of emptiness that bothers me. The incessant feeling of non-permenance that I can’t shake off. When I look at my surroundings, my heart is unable to make a connection.

I yearn to feel complete; to feel satisfied. I haven’t been complete for awhile and I don’t know what is missing. I don’t know how to choose. I don’t understand how people decide their futures. What does passion feel like? How do I know? Is it one of those things where,

“You’ll know when you know”

I can’t wait for that to happen. What if it never happens? I’ve read so many things where people shouldn’t be worried at the pace their life is going at in their 20s. But, I feel very uninterested, unmotivated. I keep wanting to go back to the past when I should be working for the future. Is this how I know that my peak has long gone? Is it all downhill from here, then?

[shmdkei]

Welcome.

It’s going to be a world of cringe, confusion, revelations (hopefully), and truth. The goal here is to be honest. I’m going to set rules for myself.

Rules to the shmdkei blog:

#1: Don’t feel obligated to post everyday / only post one in a day.

#2: Don’t lie or pretend. We’re going for honesty here.

#3: No one’s reading this, be as cringe as you. If you want to write like you would in a book, do it.

#4: No pressure. Just relief.

Well, I guess I’m ready for this now...