shitbirdactual

[shitbirdactual]

What We Want (short story)

"Anon?"

"Yes, my love?" I reply, rather dashingly.

She laughs. A musical sound, full of mirth. She sees right through my bullshit; we seldom bother with pet names for each other.

A pause. Then: "Where do you see us in five years?"

Another pause, my turn. Measuring my words carefully. "You know what? I've never really thought that far ahead. To be honest, I'm kind of surprised - pleasantly so - that you still keep me around after all this time."

I smile wryly. She smiles back, waiting. I continue.

"But if you mean, do I see us - married, maybe? A house, with a white picket fence; a dog, maybe a cat; and - one-point-two kids? Is that the statistical average these days?"

She laughs, softly this time. Coaxingly. I'm committed now.

"Well, if that's what you mean, then I guess - whatever you envision for yourself in five years, I see myself doing the same."

She cocks her head, smiles impishly at me. "That's a very long-winded way of not answering the question."

Another wry smile; I reserve my best of them for her. "So, 'I want what you want' - that isn't good enough?"

Her expression fades. Serious now. "It's not all about me, you know that. It's what you want for yourself too."

I nod, slowly; walk to the foot of the bed where she sits, observing me. I sit down on the floor, take her hand in mine. "True. But it doesn't cost me anything to do what makes you happy. It's not a transaction, like give and take."

Her brow furrows; she's formulating a rebuttal. I suppress a smile. I adore her most when she's passionate about something. "Relationships take work. Compromise. Isn't that - the definition of give and take?" she counters. She's right, of course. Usually is, on matters of the heart.

I close my eyes. Recite something I read long ago that stuck somehow:

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite."

I open my eyes, look up. She gazes intently at me, her expression unfathomable. "Shakespeare?" she asks quietly.

"Juliet, to Romeo. It didn't end well for them - but at the time, nothing else mattered."

A rueful smile in spite of herself, fleeting. Pensive, she chooses not to reply.

"With you, I found a happiness that I knew existed - for some lucky few - but never expected for myself. You could never owe me anything after that."

She closes her eyes then, overcome with emotion.

Opens them again, eyes shining; her smile returning. That smile. Her lower lip trembles slightly. God she's beautiful.

"You know, each and every day - without fail, without exaggeration - I look at you and think: with all the mistakes I've made, all the regrets I have - what did I do right to deserve having you in my life, to be by your side?"

She's weeping now, silent rivulets of tears down her face.

But still she smiles, tremulously. My chest tightens as I speak once more.

"And yet, here I am. Here we are."

I kiss her hand then. Silence.

"So when I say, 'I want what you want' - it's the truth. I do love you, after all."

Something catches in my throat. I'm glad I've run out of things to say.

Her hand rises to my cheek. She stares at me a long moment, thoughtfully. Gathering herself.

When she finally speaks, her voice quavers, but is full of resolve. A decision made.

"I want - I want to be married to you."

My turn to be speechless. "...Really? ...Seriously?"

She laughs, shakily, with relief this time.

"Yes, you fool. Now come here." She pulls me up onto the bed, my face to hers.

Another laugh, full of promise.