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𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝

"𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐛��𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞? 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐝𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧."

𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐖𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬: 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

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In the far-off, distant past, there was once a coiling collar.

At the age of 6, Prim was raised to believe one thing. If she were to make her parents proud and happy, then it means she's a good child.

“I want people, I want people,” it cried, this cursed collar.

And so she did. She met every expectations whether small or big, she earned medals at a young age and even had her certificates displayed on the wall.

Don’t get angry.

"I'm sorry..." Prim softly choked on her sobs as she is kneeling down, clutching onto her father's pants.

Don’t abandon me.

"I won't do it again, I promise!" She begged and cried. All because she made a mistake, she hates it when people yell at her. Why is her father looking at her coldly? Is he leaving her?

Don’t go anywhere.

She was alone in the room, crying. Why did he leave? Didn't she promise to be a good girl? Why? What did she do wrong? She thought she was making him happy!

(Hey.)

As Prim gets older, she kept hearing the same thing from her parents. 'It doesn't matter to us if you're an achiever or not, we just want you to have better grades, but it's better if you are an achiever.'

It strangles me tightly, til I could throw up, whenever no one's, no one's around.

She didn't know when it happened, but she started fulfilling their expectations. She studied hard, getting recognized by teachers and even scoring high marks.

Nice grades, huh?

Prim is holding her report card, the average is high and her conduct is highly satisfactory...yet it feels so...empty to her.

Hey, hey, aren’t I a good kid?

Everytime her mother is viewing her card, she is praising her child for maintaining the high grades. But she nitpicks when her grade in a certain subject is lower than the previous semesters and quarters, causing Prim to feel more pressure.

Aren’t I a cute kid?

Soon, it even turned to appearances. Ever since her father had passed away, she gained weight. She wasn't really all this 'fat' or 'chubby', she's fit.

Hey, hey,

Yet their insults never stopped, it was suffocating to the point she wanted to carve a knife to her skin until she cuts out the imperfect parts of her. Until she began to slowly lose weight, exercising and starting diets even if she has a medical condition that doesn't allow her to eat less.

I’m good, right?

She hated seeing her face, her reflection and body since she gained weight. But as she slowly lost the heavy weight, the fat and chubby cheeks...she could finally be confident in herself, to finally look at a mirror without breaking it.

It hurts, hey...

But why does she sometimes feel like she needs to change some parts of her?

Love me.

She seeks validation, whether through academics or just compliments about her body and face.

Love me.

She even decided to have curtain bangs, to cut her waist-length hair and turn it to a wolfcut.

Love me.

She learned how to use makeup, to make herself look more pretty and hide her ugly parts.

more and more.

"Your eyeliner is amazing!" A girl from Prim's class commented when Prim entered the room. Prim puts on her usual smile for formalities and façades, someone noticed? It felt nice. "Thank you." She softly replies.

Love me.

"If you all need complete notes, you should all talk to Prim." A teacher says during a review session, Prim's eyes widened as she didn't expect anyone to acknowledge her notes. It's pretty, clear and those aesthetic notes you see in pinterest.

Love me.

They were having an activity where a paper with a student's name gets passed around in a circle and everyone writes what the think or see of that person, once Prim read hers, she received many compliments.

So much that it's maddening

Prim gets praised by her teachers that whenever she enters the faculty room, her teachers smile when seeing her.

It's painful

Prim slowly finds herself piled up in duties that were way worse than before, causing her to feel overwhelmed and pressured.

It hurts

She wants to cry, to scream, to be angry. She's human too, why can't they see that? She's not always the Perfect and Smiling President.

Break, break this binding spell, okay?

"Is this what my life would be like?!" She cries to her best friend who remains quiet, gazing at her with pity. She was always known to be perfect, to be able to handle pressure and always come out on top. Yet her closest friends see the truth, how broken and how much pain she endures.

It can't be stopped...

Yet she can't stop this, this responsibility, this pain and this pressure. She was never supposed to be involved in design team for competitions anyway, why did they have to include her in the design team? Once she sent the design, there were no objections. Yet when it was finally discussed upon, those bitches had to fucking ruin it and act arrogantly because someone older was backing them up.

"I'm fucking older than them, I'm the President. I don't use any of these as a way to get things my way, so why the fuck can't they understand and comply when their own ideas are fucking garbage?! I fucking tolerated everything, every fucking headache and stress they give me and this j what I get in return for being so nice, for not being a bitch?!"

Prim throws her bag, destroying everything she sees. Screaming and punching and even kicking things. Destroying graded projects and papers and even attempting to hurt herself. Scratching her body, pulling her hair or hitting her head.

Yet her mother never comforted her, only telling her to stop crying, it's annoying. And it triggered Prim.

No matter how big your body, your body grows, this collar remains small.

Prim continues onto living, putting her dark humor as for 'jokes' when she's thought about offing herself. The fucking adult in the room can't even act like one, yet gives the eldest the fucking responsibility of one. It disappoints and disgusts Prim.

It's agonizing now, but this is nothing new.

She grits her teeth underneath the face mask she wears as she fakes a smile, luckily the face mask hides it. It hides the hatred Prim bears for everyone she despises.

People just, people just—they're not enough.

Prim slowly loses herself in all this pain. If it's not academics she struggles with, it's life.

I vow not to lose to anyone in my class, aren't I a lovely child?

Prim's heart aches and sinks to her stomach each time she reaches the achiever's list, she's happy but only for a short while. Of course, if she tells her mother, that woman would be proud. Yet Prim has to bear the weight of expectations and responsibility again.

(right?)

She can't even play her video games as much as she wants, she can't even laze around for a bit when it's the weekend as much as she wants.

Way more than that child and more than that child. Everyone, marvel at me!

Prim climbs on stage, receives her certificate and smiles brightly before bowing and leaving the stage. Finally, all her hard work and breakdowns made it to where she is now. Is it all worth it?

Behind the gymnasium when I told you that I was in love

"I like you for a really long time now. I know you'd figure that one out easily since you pick up hints that fast." A girl confesses to Prim, she was taken aback of course. Under all that much insecurities and issues she has, someone actually likes her? Or is it just because of how they view her?

Wasn't that kind of a lie?

"Ah, I see..." Prim replies before noticing the girl's nervous expression, she's sensitive to people's emotions. She's scared that if she makes the wrong move, people will hate her and it's all her fault. "How about I think about my answer to you before replying? I...wanna make sure if I feel the same way." She replies, it gives the girl hope. The weight in Prim's chest feels a little light.

I love you so, so very much

Prim accepted the confession, made the relationship work even in long distance. Yet as time passes, that girl seems to change. Be moody, start a fight and not even hear Prim out, even calling out Prim's issue and struggle of being too sensitive to other people's emotions. "You would atleast understand what I'm feeling!" It echoed to Prim's head, she wants to tear that girl apart and rip her to shreds.

Even though I think you are trash.

That girl never went through the abuse and trauma Prim had to undergo, they were never kicked out of the house when they were sick, they never had to experience in facing expectations of everyone or having to change their own body for someone else's sake! Or needing to discard their own pain and feelings because their significant other or family is in pain and need comfort! Or having to fear mirrors because she dislikes the way she looks! Or having to bargain God to atleast change places with her dead father!

Love me.

Now the girl is ghosting Prim. During that time, Prim slowly learned things herself, is this what she really wants in a relationship? To be this hurt and misunderstood just like her mother does? To hate arguments because it reminds her of her mother's fights?

Love me. Love me.

She slowly realized she was losing feelings during the 4 days the girl ghosted her—No, this isn't right! She's supposed to keep her promise! She swore to never be like her father who can't keep a single promise! Why us that girl so cold? Why is the spark gone?! Are they not interested anymore?! Do they not love her anymore?! But Prim loves them! Whether they were being an asshole or a dick, they still accepted the insults and called 'dramatic' for writing Prim's own issues in writing as a coping mechanism.

I'll give you everything.

Everyone knows how devoted and loyal Prim is when she falls in love. Even if there were pretty and handsome people in her school, in her class, she only had eyes for her lover. Wasn't that loyalty enough?! Being excited to talk to her lover after school, to be able to talk to them again...

I'll have you.

And that person broke it off in Halloween, just when Prim had made a gift. Prim felt her world shatter, she didn't know what came of her when she suddenly burned the gift just to feel something. She already lost her own identity, emotions and personality because of everything. She can't feel, what's going on? After all the nights she spent awake trying to understand why this gurl was just so important to her, finally accepting that she is bi...just to be replaced by someone near that girl? A boy?

I'll have you.

She hid the pain from her family, heartbreak is normal after all. People only confess to her because she was the fat pitiful girl, she was used to it. But why does this hurt so much?

I'll have you shoulder everything for me.

She can't cry, she has duties to fulfill. She pushes that pain down and focuses on completing her project and duties as the girl people see her as. Usually, being the President could mean that you are the 'head' or leader of the class when the teacher isn't around, it feels like a dream isn't it? But for Prim? Being the President means needing to do things a Secretary or Monitor should do, needing to keep everyone in check or having to announce events going on in class. Yet the 'popular' girls think they're high and mighty and don't respect Prim, even though Prim wants to hurt them—she never does. She's surprised her patience last that long. Her own adviser is a useless adult as it doesn't even really act like one, giving Prim all the responsibility alone and it makes Prim sick.

It's not enough.

Her eyes lost their shine, she doesn't feel like her body is her own anymore. She doesn't even feel anything, she feels so numb.

You're not enough.

Everytime her mother tries to act affectionate after fighting with her, it makes Prim so sick. She knows she has mommy issues, yet her mom makes everything worse to the point she even questions her own life.

I won't let you go.

She doesn't know what went through her mother's mind, telling her details before, during and after Prim was born. Her father was never present during the time of her mother's pregnancy, he was staying at another girl's house and they broke it off when her mother found out. Yet, they got together when Prim was born. Their anniversary is Prim's birthday, causing her to dislike it.

Please forgive me.

She hates herself even more, disliking her own date of birth. Prim slowly underwent an identity crisis, she has thoughts she wishes to escape that even no internet or music can't help her escape it. She hates her own being, feeling betrayed and offended by the act that her parents had to keep. Pretending to be a 'happy' family, making her think abuse is normal when it isn't. She hates it.

Love me.

Prim doesn't understand why her life became like this.

Love me.

She's been sexually abused since childhood even up till now, no matter what her body looked like.

Love me.

Prim wants to fall in love, to trust someone again after that horrible relationship but...is it really worth it?

More and more.

A lady matures faster than a man is what her mother would say, yet it irritates Prim that her mother never let her experience a proper childhood without all the trauma and abuse or needing to be a perfect golden for validation.

Love me.

When Prim wants to wear what she wants, her mother acts dramatic about it. When Prim wants to put on makeup to make herself look pretty, her brothers act as if it's the end of the world and Prim hates it.

Love me.

Whenever Prim complains, her mother goes "It doesn't matter, you're an honor student now." It makes Prim wonder if that's what's really important to her mom.

So much that it's maddening.

Is her life even worth it just to be a trophy daughter? Is this what she'll grow up to? Pleasing people, putting on façades and always needing to put her pain away because her feelings aren't validated?

It hurts.

She can't breathe.

I won't let go.

Prim gasps for air as she sits up and tries to count to 10 as she takes deep breath.

It hurts.

Prim grips her hair. She's never had an anxiety attack before, she doesn't know what to do. She grabs her phone and tries to breathe. "Hello?" "Mom, come here please." She drops the call and phone as she cries, why can't she breathe?

More, more and hey.

Prim works hard everyday, to make people happy, keep her grades up and to make sure her body maintains it's healthy shape so she won't be rushed to the hospital anymore. She spent her childhood in a hospital and it was torture. White plains walls, machines and tubes around you, oxygen tanks, needles and you feel like wanting to die. Prim's used to the needles poking her skin, she has high pain tolerance after all. Puking acid, that horrible smell of soap they mop the floor with and the food.

This is happiness.

#genshin impact sagau #genshin self aware au #closed walls #you will be found

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