shinners03temptation

[shinners03temptation]

I am falling... the more I get to continue but I still like it because theres too many reason to stay.

Why is this day different from all the other argue? Im getting tired. Am I selfish If I say I want us to go somewhere else? to enjoy something different than we usually go to? Am I really selfish that I want something coz thats what I can afford and I didnt get it, I have never experience it and I want to experience it with you? Am I really that selfish to go where I like?

Im sorry, I just never get to experience it. I was never allowed to eat ice cream during my childhood because I was competing and preparing for my singing contest, I wasn't allowed to eat too much because they said I will have my asthma attack. So I'm sorry if I'm upset for just a mere ice cream shop. Because Im that girl who have only loved ice cream so much that until I became adult I was kind of obsessed with it. Im so sorry for being childish, I wasnt thinking of what the consequences of my actions. I told you Im not going to insist anything from you anymore but here I am just like a kid who cant get an approval, throwing tantrums like a baby. I mean I dont know. I thought I can just get anything from you, do things with you. I guess, eveyone needs to have an approval and including you.

Maybe Im just selfish. Thats it. I was arguing for nothing. I just thought you may like the things I like the way that Im trying to watch movies that I know you like. I thought we are equal. Just as we are partners. I guess I'll have to do things on my own and go explore more on my own. I mean I will still ask you but again if you dont want to then its fine with me. Afterall Im alright getting disappointed, having my hopes up, and getting rejected

[shinners03temptation]

Okay. So this is the day that I will have my job hunting for my new job. I promised myself that I will be a nutritionist dietitian and after 4 years I got the title now to practice my profession and finally be one I'm now taking my steps. One step to change my life. To change for the better, to have a better life and finally afford myself. Take one step at a time and make sure to breathe while doing it. I thank all those people who helped me and motivated me especially my sister.

[shinners03temptation]

How do you handle stress? Like why am I still bad handling it.

I used to think that Im good in managing it but the more my age adds the more it get heavier and harder. There's this clip I saw at socmed when she said, "Why are you still not happy? Because you still want your old self back." and that hit me so bad that right then and there I cried. I feel so pathetic, miserable and sad. I cant even start my day right, I cant do what I want to do because everytime I'm happy or doing something to make me smile I feel guilty knowing that someone is having a hard day.

I just cant today

[shinners03temptation]

At some point, I am asking why is this happening into my life. Why? But aren't we all. Today I decided to check PRC FB page for my oath taking again.

Just a back story of why I havent had a chance to take my oath taking after my board exam... So originally it was scheduled on December 22, 2023 at Manila Hotel. I was having a hard time to go back again in Manila because of financial problems plus it was December meaning it cost more than the original fare since I cannot afford it and I have plans on the same date, which is my cousins wedding in Bacolod, I decided to postpone it. January came and one of my junior asked me if I would like to join her in upcoming oath taking in Cebu on January 13, it was again a bad timing since it's my lolo's wake and upcoming burial on 16, my relatives are all present and of course we need to be there too. I declined and tell her the reason why I cant go with her. Past after that week, I asked for another update on how it went, my junior told me it was an incorrect date and it was actually on January 25. I didn't know there was even a notice from the official page so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Days past by and ask for another update and got a reply that she successfully had an oath taking. On February, I was asking myself whether there is still an oath taking I can take in and I know from the 3 of us who took the board exam the other one did not have a chance to take the oath as well. So we were messaging and giving updates if there is another oath taking again. It was February 15, I got a message from one of the passer of the board exam asking about the requirements, he said there is an upcoming oath taking in 17. So it was 2 days only and it was in Mindanao kinda far as well as Manila take note we dont know anyone from there so its scary to take risk plus the fare was high since it was rushed. Again, I declined. Here comes March, I tried to check the page on the first week and got nothing. Many attempts to have an update and got nothing. On this day, I decided to check for another update again and guess what, there is an update however the scheduled date was due already. 1 day past due, March 13 at 9:00 AM and it was already March 14 at 10:30 PM. In my frustration, I cried so hard at the coffeeshop. 4 months. It has been 4 months since I'm waiting for that virtual oath taking. I message my colleague about the news. And he knew it way before than I did, I felt betrayed and added into my frustration but then again if I was very calculated in the timeline when they posted it... They have post it 3 days ago so when you calculate it backwards it was around March 10 and on the website it says "The online registration will close 5 calendar days before the virtual oathtaking day." so what was that all about? How can we have time to register if they have posted it after they have closed the registration. Somehow my emotions subsided, I was really thankful for my boyfriend who helped me calmed down.

So I guess now, what I'm going to do is just wait for another scheduled oath taking probably on December. Focus on my career as of now and earn more.

[shinners03temptation]

Today, I tried to hurt myself again...

[shinners03temptation]

Today is the result of the board exam last November 23-24, 2023. Guess what. I passed!

All the pains, the hardworks, and sleepless nights were all worth it. I give it all to the Lord Almighty that Hee provides. He answered all my prayers and I thank Him.

Those 3 months were all worth it. It is literally sweat, tears and my sahod. Gosh, I am still in awe. All thanks to my sister who is very very supportive, my inspiration and all. My boyfriend who is there for me and giving me strength and giving some sense out of me. My mom who is very brave.

Thank God I am now an RND, thank you for the opportunity Lord God.

[shinners03temptation]

It's already past my 2-day board exam and tomorrow is the result of my 3 month journey for this. I'm scared and I dont know what to do. I keep on praying to God that he will help me accept whatever the result is. I believe He has plans for me and I know that He will give me what I deserve. God has been there for me throughout the journey and I am proud of it, I am proud of what I have done

[shinners03temptation]

I will do whatever it takes to be motivated but how can I do this if I'm at home without nowhere else to go to.

Here I am again in my favorite coffee shop and I didnt know I am now that hungry and that makes me think maybe I am not in my motivated self because I am hungry. Order a croissant and my favorite coffee and just having selected hearing. It is indeed loud at this coffee shop but it is not going to be a hinder to read and read until I finished my books.

[shinners03temptation]

How can you be ready for the future?

Really, a serious question.

I would say it has the greatest change of your life. I'm about to make it happen. Imagine how one test would determine your occupation in life or how are you going to be. I know, I'm talking about this exam again but aside from that I didn't imagine my life would have this pending change in my life.

Today, my boyfriend talked to me about his plans and how he wanted to have a bigger course. It's kinda unusual to hear him say that I mean in our relationship I do all the talk that's why I was kinda shocked. But my unusual self kinda lost from a moment and blanked, the moment it sinked in was when I got home.

THIS . IS . THE . LIFE .

Fears came one by one and I cannot think of my future, it was blank again. I mean, it's good for him I dont want to be selfish and be ungrateful for what his blessing but then again... LDR saying hi to me and I feel like it will ruin my relationship.

[shinners03temptation]

Hi, so here I am again. Watching the traffic at the 2nd floor of my favorite coffee shop. Missing my partner who is currently at work but its fine. I can do this on my own.

[shinners03temptation]

And there I was, telling myself I'm okay

[shinners03temptation]

So after doing what I wanted last night which I clearly said to myself to refrain from "doing it", I am here sitting in my favorite coffee shop alone because I need to catch up with my studies and I still have another 2 hrs to finish reading the chapters I need before writing it all down to my notebook.

I kind of thinking to not go out later evening and maybe have my food deliver. I said I will budget the money I have left before going on November, 'cause I dont have job as of now.

So right now let me focus on my review

[shinners03temptation]

It's okay not to be okay. My score got so high but still not passed at least it's much better than yesterday

[shinners03temptation]

Whatever I do is a progress, I dont need to be perfect, just be consistent.

It's okay if that's what Im able to learn the important thing is to keep learning and expand the things I learn.

[shinners03temptation]

I want to pass the board exam

[shinners03temptation]

I wanna share to many things today. I do want to share that it's our 3 anniversary yesterday and it was awesome. I feel so happy and I really do feel better when I'm with him. Its like one appreciation post is not enough to describe what and how I feel about him. It's like I am so deeply in love with him everyday but then again I know I shouldnt be focusing on my love life right now because I still have this board exam. 3 months and I am back again with my life at customer service. I am just grateful of what I have right now at the same time I dont want to neglect my responsibility and what opportunity God has given me. Aside from my lover, I am thankful that our day 2 discussion at review center is successful. Even if it's overwhelming I am happy that I have this time to study again.

[shinners03temptation]

Here at my not so favorite coffee shop but comfy and satisfying. Got my latte and some korean bread I kinda miss the feeling when you are a student but if that means being broke and not having someone to support you, I pass. I feel like I'm all alone now thank goodness I do have my boyfriend to support me emotionally and physically and I have my sister who is supporting me as well financially and mentally. I need to find my place here to survive, to be financially stable. Right now I wanted to pass this board exam I feel this time I can do it even if I feel so alone.