shez-alive

[shez-alive]

i have revisited relationships from my past a lot this last year, trying to make amends. ive realized ive burned bridges where i should have been more understanding or gracious. it has been literal years like anywhere between 2 and 6 years for some of these relationships, but idk if its yoga or therapy or both, but reflecting on my part lately has shone new light onto these situations i previously thought i had figured out. 

i respect past kaylas decisions to decide what she did. maybe ive been looking for closure, like some kind of invisible blessing from old wounds to move forward, but thats not how things work thats not how life is!! 

one of my old friends and i are coming into each others lives again, slow and steady. which has been nice because i missed her. it’s so corny but life really is too short to not be telling people how u feel. 

my other friend i hit up after 6 years, we’ll call him m, that situation is a little trickier n i think thats just us by nature. i really just wanted to see how he was doing. i cant tell yet if it was a good idea. things are not how they used to be but that was never the expectation. there are actually a lot of so many complicated feelings it would take so long to unpack that. smh. im honestly starting to feel kind of dumb about hitting him up, i feel really naive about that actually. still, that might just be my cynicism because weve only been chatting a couple weeks n have only hung out shortly on a couple occasions. i may have foolishly thought we could be friends again. start from the present. 

i keep telling myself everything is good and we’re all trying to figure it out and live our best lives lol 

i bet they were all so annoyed to hear from me after all of this time and all the Drama but i keep telling myself it was necessary. and i can put my pride aside long enough to reach out because thats jus been so important to me lately. i feel like i could have been less severe and i regret that. my paranoia is telling me im barging into their lives and interrupting everything but maybe my splash is not big in their ponds any longer. i worry also that i cant let go of the past. that might be my biggest concern. my point of reference is so outdated. 

i swear i go off my shit when i wait too few and far between for therapy and yoga. i feel sleep deprived and im sad cuz im terrible with money. and i feel like a selfish dumb person and its all by my own hand. hgwoiljfhnaposjkf. i just want to scream from the rooftops!!! scream in a forest. scream at the sky. only thing i feel sure of anymore. 

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omg my sisters back home cuz her semester is over n it’s like so apparent how much closer she is to my parents than i am like i’ll say something n lately it’s been received in the most cringe worthy manner and like it’s not a huge deal im not taking it that personally cuz shes always been closer to them and she and i are besties too but her dynamic with them vs mine has never been so contrasted as it feels right now 

[shez-alive]

>stops eating healthy

>doesnt ever get enough sleep

>no exercising activity happening ever

>stops going to therapy

debilitating overthinking

poor sleep

stress

bad skin

always late

junk food cravings or no appetite

cant focus or think clearly

never sober if i dont have to be

doing poorly in school n work

crying

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its been a year im not over it idk how to shut up abt it i still deal with this bullshit permeating so many parts of me n my life

how can i make it stop

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The act of writing in a journal is the very antithesis of writing for others. The skeptic might object that the writer of a journal may be deliberately creating a journal-self, like a fictitious character, and while this might be true, for some, for a limited period of time, such a pose can’t be sustained for very long, and certainly not for years. It might be argued that, like our fingerprints and voice “prints,” our journal-selves are distinctly our own; try as we might, we can’t elude them; the person one is, is evident in every line; not a syllable can be falsified. At times the journal-keeper might even speak in the second person, as if addressing an invisible “you” detached from the public self: the ever-vigilant, ever-scrutinizing “inner self” as distinct from the outer, social self. As our greatest American philosopher William James observed, we have as many public selves as there are people whom we know. But we have a single, singular, intractable, and perhaps undisguisable “inner self” most at home in secret places. 

 Joyce Carol Oates, Journals 1973-1982

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i feel like i keep consuming media that has to do with emotional abuse because im still trying to understand it and understand how it’s effecting me n my relationships now

n its mostly jus retraumatizing myself so surely theres a better way to go abt this

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the thing is i work for a call center at a university

n they pay for my online schooling

n so when i dont do well at my job, which i havent for months, it jeopardizes school and my income

n so forgive me for ranting n freaking the fuck out

n its jus like well kayla what have u been doing these last few months

n i could write an essay of excuses n reasons

but i think i finally accepted that im jus bad at this job

and idc how it looks or sounds to say that cuz its jus the truth

i call 600 sometimes more people a day n none of them want to talk to me (us, the school)

idk ive never been fired but. im on thin fucking ice

[shez-alive]

i cant believe i beat myself up this badly over being bad at this call center job

i really act like this is inherent to my worth and value as a person

im blessed but this institution is not set up for me to be like extraordinary in. its hard doing ur best when ur expendable smh

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what if i told u i use astrology as a coping mechanism from my continuous identity crisis’ 

truly any form of personality tests

because one of my biggest fears for as long as i can remember is that i would lose my memory n forget who i was

so im overcompensating by trying to remember these things about me n being really sure of who i am 

and i waste all my brain power and space on these anxieties ? 

my guess is that i experienced separation anxiety n from there have been trying to make up for it because i guess my tiny mind  reasoned that maybe i was forgettable ? n so have feared becoming forgotten ? even to myself ?

n it keeps making me crazy that i kno this is all anxiety speaking n i still cant help myself

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ive been seeing c so inconsistently lately n so am i a super bitch because i dont want to spend my friday evening at the dispensary ?! friday evenings are terrible n the wait is like 45 min most times

i told him he should jus get his card but it hasnt happened smfh

n since he always wants an oz at a time it really digs into my allotment

also i had my own plans after work

all this just to try to figure out a way to tell him these things

ive jus been a push over for so long i feel like so im practicing putting my foot down in a loving way lmfao

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[shez-alive]

im gonna stop by the fine foods store after work n make myself a beautiful meal n pick up a bottle of red n then im gonna go home n roll a fat blunt n rent bridget jones diary n hopefully fall asleep with a clean face a big shirt n in my underwear

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what do u tell someone with a sick dog whos always paying for medical attention for the dog n is incredibly frustrated by the whole thing lol like its such a difficult situation

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my sister is officially the only person i feel comfortable spending money on her n chris

cuz ive had to cover things so often for j n i never even feel appreciated for that n im jus over here going broke looking like a clown all the time cuz he doesnt kno how to budget n plan his money smfh

[shez-alive]

not to be a debbie downer broken record but i really cant get over how long i stayed in that relationship when i never even really believed he liked me?? i felt like i spent that whole time trying to be sure he did n trying to make myself purpose or better for him

for no reason he did nothing to deserve that

i shouldnt have posted that tweet on here cuz now its all im thinking about

[shez-alive]

oh SHUT UP