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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 2 days ago

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Today has been so interesting...

Surreal and yet solid.

I get so much love that I swear I have it coming out of my ears. I have no where left to put it. My arms are so full of love it feels like it's constantly dropping from them. And all I can think is how much hope everyone surrounding me in love knows that I love them too. I hope that they feel my gratitude and how much I love them.

The love of certain people just replenishes me in ways that no one can compare to and it was just so lovely to speak tonight. Thank you for all the late night chats. Thank you for all the nicknames; each more perfect and affirming than the last. Thank you for being a vessel for my love when no one else feels safe. May we both find exactly what we are looking for, building for, striving for. We deserve it.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 3 days ago

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So I guess we're just gonna text me all evening every Friday night now to make sure I'm not out on a date with someone...? Sure friend.

We say it so much, it lacks conviction at this point. Smh I never had it and you sound like yours is fading.

Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 3 days ago

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Lmao.

The way I might as well be a psychic because I can damn near predict what people are going to do. Smh

I love that I have surrounded myself with people that trust and know my heart, worth, and ethics.

May the universe keep showing up for me because I am sitting here in so much gratitude.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 13 days ago

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I just realized something hilarious... 🤣🤣🤣

My ex never ever bought my flowers. The entirety of our 10 year relationship I bought her flowers at least once a year every year for the first 8 years and I can't recall her ever buying me flowers.

The first man she cheated on me with and that she was in love with for most of her adult life, who didn't return her feelings? He bought me flowers... 🤣🤣🤣 They were an apology because he didn't realize that she was a cheating POS and using him to cheat, but I bet that ate away at her all these years. Lol

Thanks for the memories.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 17 days ago

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- When your Ob/Gyn has been with you longer than the entirety of your 10 year relationship.

- When your Ob/Gyn is like super excited and happy for you because she knows exactly how dirty your ex did you because she saw you both.

- When your Ob/Gyn nerds out with you over the first new advances of tools used in the field for the first time in 200 years.

- When your Ob/Gyn is so excited to hear your progress on multiple fronts.

- When your Ob/Gyn has your back in so many ways.

- When you and your Ob/Gyn clearly want to be besties but can't because dual relationships.

- When your Ob/Gyn is ride or die.

- When life is amazing. 🥰🥰🥰

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 25 days ago

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"How can you think my feelings for you are a lie?"

"Because that is who you are Radovid, at your core. I thought I'd seen through your mask? Turns out there was nothing behind it."

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 25 days ago

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This week:

- Today I met the most gorgeous man. No ring, dressed to the 9s, beautiful curly hair, blue eyes, and he doesn't make as much as I do... He makes WAYYYYYYY more! Even his name is hot. And did I mention that he's thick? Like very solid torso and sausage fingers thick 🥴 And no, he's not 6'4" but he was taller than me and could barely meet my eyes. 🤭 Seems like he likes to travel and by his tan (dark hands, light face) I'm guessing he has access to a boat and wears a hat when he's out. 👀 I can hardly wait to see him again. 🤤🤤🤤

- Today, I was casually told that I would get a promotion that includes both a new title and more money... I was hired less than 90 days ago and I'm already making more money than I've ever made. 🤭 Fuck a title, but also I'm so proud of myself for achieving this. This time there's no imposter syndrome; I deserve this.

- I was gifted a Keffiyeh from someone Tuesday that was hand woven in Gaza and the proceeds from this sale are to help Palestinians going through the genocide. It brought me to tears. Wednesday after a rough week at work, I came home and found out that a ceasefire had been announced. I've been tearful all day today with hope and relief. It's not nearly enough; Palestine is still not free even if this ceasefire holds. A ceasefire is not necessarily an end to the genocide. And there are people who will do everything in their power to destroy any chance at ending the genocide.

- I'm cautiously looking forward to Saturday. It could be a really good day.

- Monday is going to be hard, but I have filled my day with people and activities that fill my cup in many ways. I'm sure I will be tired, but it will all go how it's supposed to.

All of this joy and hope and success is amazing and overwhelming. Every time this happens all I can do is think back to a young Beyoncé being so joyous, grateful, and overwhelmed she was moved to tears. Every time this happens I think of that video and how I couldn't comprehend those emotions then, but how often do I return to that place and now every time I do understand and relate. Which just adds to my wonder.

Damn, I guess everyone was right. Right about me and my abilities. Right about how I should keep going. Right about how it can't stay terrible forever. Right about how it's actually not terrible at all. Right about so much that I couldn't see. I'm just thankful and grateful and overwhelmed in all the ways that I and the universe are showing up for me right now.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 2 months ago

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youtube

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 4 months ago

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My my this year has been a wild ride... And it ain't over yet! 😈 Let's go!

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 4 months ago

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This man text me to check on me after the storm...

I'm a little upset he didn't text me before the storm, but I didn't even think to text him at all tbf. I don't even think that he text his girlfriend beforehand; their relationship is so weird and distant to me. Far be it from myself to understand the intricacies of being Catholic and modern dating... Anyways I think her and I are probably the only two people he text... Our mentor probably text him.

Idk... Either I'm his only friend or there's still something there. Like if he gets married, his brother will be his best man, but who else will be standing up there with him as a groomsmen? He's too traditional to have a woman up there and honestly I wouldn't want to. Does she have so few close friends too that it works out? Will it just be uneven? Probably boy cousins if he has any... I'd join for a bachelor party, that he'll probably get roped into and hate tho.

None of this is actually my problem. They might be engaged already at this point, tho on his salary? I doubt it. I am one two people he cared enough about to make sure that I was alright and offer help to, outside of his family. Well if they've been dating this long, I suppose that makes her family... Okay so I'm the one person outside his family. Lol

Idk man. Someone said when you make guy friends effortlessly, it's called pretty privilege and you just have to make sure that your guy friends have the best intentions. Idk that that's true. I've always felt more like one of the guys, but maybe all the guys never saw me that way? Maybe I projected that they only saw me as one of the guys and really they saw me as a pretty and chill girl. As an adult most of the men I've been friends with have shot their shot or indicated that they wanted to at least.... Fuck, why did nobody tell me I'm pretty after like age 10?! That's when we need to hear it most! Yanno, a friend was talking to this guy on my behalf once in high school and asked what he thought of me... And his answer was, "she aight". I knew enough about self esteem to walk away from that dude, but I don't know that I ever let go of that mentality (funnily enough, his cousin was head over heels for me; but I'm fairly sure he just wanted to fuck, I bet he was pretty annoyed that I liked his tall, dark, and handsome cousin. Oh well, maybe don't be a lech; cause like this to be clear, the lecherous cousin wasn't ugly on the outside). I was not gorgeous, but not ugly, just me; just aight.

And so when my ex came along calling me beautiful I thought here's someone that sees me and isn't afraid to say it, but everything she ever said was just lies for her own personal gain. So where does that land me...? Determining my own worth again, someplace I'm very well acquainted with; but struggle to navigate. And honestly, while physical features have moved me, they've never been the most important thing I sought out in partners. All of the gorgeous men I've been friends with had to have good personalities as well; call me greedy.

What I want is the express opinions of every man I've ever met so that I can analyze all the data and draw conclusions. Especially if they found me attractive from the start or only after they got to know me, like I suspect. 🤔 I'm discounting the opinions of women because in general the women I hang out with would find anyone beautiful I think. They'd never call someone ugly because of their physical features. I also have to acknowledge the how much racism and exoticism might have factored into my experiences. 🙃

The data may be imperfect, but I still want it. I want to understand how others see me; how they value me. Sure I'm smart, that's never been in doubt, but what else do you value about me?

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 5 months ago

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Stuck on the Puzzle.

Not anymore tho.

Weren't really a puzzle were it?

Just lies.

To keep me...

monopo-li-i-i-i-ized.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 5 months ago

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Someone literally just called me from a scam likely number too right after I posted this... Wtf weird...

You ever just be living your life and happy and can feel echoes of chaos across time and space like your toxic abusive ex must be thinking about you or something?

My god, I just woke up from a nap like that. Fitful frightful sleep towards the end. With no idea why... And then I wake up surrounded by my people and all is right in the world. 🥰

It was all a bad dream and I never have to think about, talk to, or look at her ever again.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 5 months ago

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You ever just be living your life and happy and can feel echoes of chaos across time and space like your toxic abusive ex must be thinking about you or something?

My god, I just woke up from a nap like that. Fitful frightful sleep towards the end. With no idea why... And then I wake up surrounded by my people and all is right in the world. 🥰

It was all a bad dream and I never have to think about, talk to, or look at her ever again.

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 5 months ago

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I said yes!

This year has been such a rollercoaster ride in the best way. It's uncanny how amazing life can be when someone isn't putting obstacles in your way. 🥰🥰🥰

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shewantedtoandsoshedid · 5 months ago

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Uhhhh correction, she gave me her direct cell phone number... 🫣 I was just looking through the care packet and she wrote in her name and number below the shop's number. I'm so bad at flirting y'all! Smh well I was gonna go back and get all my piercings checked anyhow... 👀

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I'm trying to figure out if my piercer was flirting with me or not...

- She asked where my lil friend was (my literal platonic friend that was there with me a week ago).

- She kept cheering me on and calling me baby and champ. (She didn't do this last time)

- She kept clicking her tongue...? Like she asked how my nipples were doing, but double clicked instead of saying nipples. Lol She did this for something else but I can't remember what.

- She told me to call her if anything goes wrong. And really emphasized to call her, like she really wanted me to do it, even if nothing happened.

- She's seen my nipples and seen that I could handle a lot a pain... I think she liked it. Lol

- She wanted to get a pic of the piercing (up close) and me (like a normal photo) before I left. Jokes on her; I'm not naturally photogenic. I'm cutest in motion. Lol

I'm going to leave it at her just being friendly, professional, trying to increase business, and her liking really nice tips. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Idk y'all. She's really cute, she's got that feminine but tomboy thing I both am and also am attracted to (she does it better tho lol). She's anal about cleanliness, which I really like. Idk I'm just not feeling it I guess? Best of all, she wasn't even pushy or anything which I like and appreciate.

I think it comes down to me not trying to convince myself to be interested in her. She's hot, has soft top energy, and has other nice qualities (sense of humor, cleanliness, seems pretty intelligent, into similar things), but I'm not feeling it I don't think. So ultimately it doesn't matter if she was flirting or not. 🤷🏾‍♀️