shewantedtoandsoshedid

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

My my this year has been a wild ride... And it ain't over yet! 😈 Let's go!

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

This man text me to check on me after the storm...

I'm a little upset he didn't text me before the storm, but I didn't even think to text him at all tbf. I don't even think that he text his girlfriend beforehand; their relationship is so weird and distant to me. Far be it from myself to understand the intricacies of being Catholic and modern dating... Anyways I think her and I are probably the only two people he text... Our mentor probably text him.

Idk... Either I'm his only friend or there's still something there. Like if he gets married, his brother will be his best man, but who else will be standing up there with him as a groomsmen? He's too traditional to have a woman up there and honestly I wouldn't want to. Does she have so few close friends too that it works out? Will it just be uneven? Probably boy cousins if he has any... I'd join for a bachelor party, that he'll probably get roped into and hate tho.

None of this is actually my problem. They might be engaged already at this point, tho on his salary? I doubt it. I am one two people he cared enough about to make sure that I was alright and offer help to, outside of his family. Well if they've been dating this long, I suppose that makes her family... Okay so I'm the one person outside his family. Lol

Idk man. Someone said when you make guy friends effortlessly, it's called pretty privilege and you just have to make sure that your guy friends have the best intentions. Idk that that's true. I've always felt more like one of the guys, but maybe all the guys never saw me that way? Maybe I projected that they only saw me as one of the guys and really they saw me as a pretty and chill girl. As an adult most of the men I've been friends with have shot their shot or indicated that they wanted to at least.... Fuck, why did nobody tell me I'm pretty after like age 10?! That's when we need to hear it most! Yanno, a friend was talking to this guy on my behalf once in high school and asked what he thought of me... And his answer was, "she aight". I knew enough about self esteem to walk away from that dude, but I don't know that I ever let go of that mentality (funnily enough, his cousin was head over heels for me; but I'm fairly sure he just wanted to fuck, I bet he was pretty annoyed that I liked his tall, dark, and handsome cousin. Oh well, maybe don't be a lech; cause like this to be clear, the lecherous cousin wasn't ugly on the outside). I was not gorgeous, but not ugly, just me; just aight.

And so when my ex came along calling me beautiful I thought here's someone that sees me and isn't afraid to say it, but everything she ever said was just lies for her own personal gain. So where does that land me...? Determining my own worth again, someplace I'm very well acquainted with; but struggle to navigate. And honestly, while physical features have moved me, they've never been the most important thing I sought out in partners. All of the gorgeous men I've been friends with had to have good personalities as well; call me greedy.

What I want is the express opinions of every man I've ever met so that I can analyze all the data and draw conclusions. Especially if they found me attractive from the start or only after they got to know me, like I suspect. 🤔 I'm discounting the opinions of women because in general the women I hang out with would find anyone beautiful I think. They'd never call someone ugly because of their physical features. I also have to acknowledge the how much racism and exoticism might have factored into my experiences. 🙃

The data may be imperfect, but I still want it. I want to understand how others see me; how they value me. Sure I'm smart, that's never been in doubt, but what else do you value about me?

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

Stuck on the Puzzle.

Not anymore tho.

Weren't really a puzzle were it?

Just lies.

To keep me...

monopo-li-i-i-i-ized.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

Someone literally just called me from a scam likely number too right after I posted this... Wtf weird...

You ever just be living your life and happy and can feel echoes of chaos across time and space like your toxic abusive ex must be thinking about you or something?

My god, I just woke up from a nap like that. Fitful frightful sleep towards the end. With no idea why... And then I wake up surrounded by my people and all is right in the world. 🥰

It was all a bad dream and I never have to think about, talk to, or look at her ever again.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

You ever just be living your life and happy and can feel echoes of chaos across time and space like your toxic abusive ex must be thinking about you or something?

My god, I just woke up from a nap like that. Fitful frightful sleep towards the end. With no idea why... And then I wake up surrounded by my people and all is right in the world. 🥰

It was all a bad dream and I never have to think about, talk to, or look at her ever again.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

I said yes!

This year has been such a rollercoaster ride in the best way. It's uncanny how amazing life can be when someone isn't putting obstacles in your way. 🥰🥰🥰

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

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Uhhhh correction, she gave me her direct cell phone number... 🫣 I was just looking through the care packet and she wrote in her name and number below the shop's number. I'm so bad at flirting y'all! Smh well I was gonna go back and get all my piercings checked anyhow... 👀

.

I'm trying to figure out if my piercer was flirting with me or not...

- She asked where my lil friend was (my literal platonic friend that was there with me a week ago).

- She kept cheering me on and calling me baby and champ. (She didn't do this last time)

- She kept clicking her tongue...? Like she asked how my nipples were doing, but double clicked instead of saying nipples. Lol She did this for something else but I can't remember what.

- She told me to call her if anything goes wrong. And really emphasized to call her, like she really wanted me to do it, even if nothing happened.

- She's seen my nipples and seen that I could handle a lot a pain... I think she liked it. Lol

- She wanted to get a pic of the piercing (up close) and me (like a normal photo) before I left. Jokes on her; I'm not naturally photogenic. I'm cutest in motion. Lol

I'm going to leave it at her just being friendly, professional, trying to increase business, and her liking really nice tips. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Idk y'all. She's really cute, she's got that feminine but tomboy thing I both am and also am attracted to (she does it better tho lol). She's anal about cleanliness, which I really like. Idk I'm just not feeling it I guess? Best of all, she wasn't even pushy or anything which I like and appreciate.

I think it comes down to me not trying to convince myself to be interested in her. She's hot, has soft top energy, and has other nice qualities (sense of humor, cleanliness, seems pretty intelligent, into similar things), but I'm not feeling it I don't think. So ultimately it doesn't matter if she was flirting or not. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

.

I'm trying to figure out if my piercer was flirting with me or not...

- She asked where my lil friend was (my literal platonic friend that was there with me a week ago).

- She kept cheering me on and calling me baby and champ. (She didn't do this last time)

- She kept clicking her tongue...? Like she asked how my nipples were doing, but double clicked instead of saying nipples. Lol She did this for something else but I can't remember what.

- She told me to call her if anything goes wrong. And really emphasized to call her, like she really wanted me to do it, even if nothing happened.

- She's seen my nipples and seen that I could handle a lot a pain... I think she liked it. Lol

- She wanted to get a pic of the piercing (up close) and me (like a normal photo) before I left. Jokes on her; I'm not naturally photogenic. I'm cutest in motion. Lol

I'm going to leave it at her just being friendly, professional, trying to increase business, and her liking really nice tips. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Idk y'all. She's really cute, she's got that feminine but tomboy thing I both am and also am attracted to (she does it better tho lol). She's anal about cleanliness, which I really like. Idk I'm just not feeling it I guess? Best of all, she wasn't even pushy or anything which I like and appreciate.

I think it comes down to me not trying to convince myself to be interested in her. She's hot, has soft top energy, and has other nice qualities (sense of humor, cleanliness, seems pretty intelligent, into similar things), but I'm not feeling it I don't think. So ultimately it doesn't matter if she was flirting or not. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

Let me put this in terms she might understand: I left because I'm done being the Michael to your Fredo.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

The way I'm looking forward to having a normal happy xmas filled with love and joy and gifts and hugs and cocoa and family and happiness.

The likes of which I hadn't had since 2017 until last year when an amazing friend stepped in.

If you don't like xmas, shit's a red flag in my book now.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

"Marriage is about choices. You gotta keep choosing each other. Even when you're not sure it's the right choice."

- Ruby Johnson

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

Y'all the way she had a breakdown and couldn't finish the episode where they broke up in season 2... She was crying and in mental distress. But putting my life and health at risk and cheating on me (again)? Absolutely nothing. Just denials and lies. And then absolute shock that I would say I'm done. Smh

I want to remember how she cared more about fictional characters than her wife, who she claimed to love.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

You wanna hear something funny...?

I've never seen/met someone so obsessed with character development and dialogue heavy media that is so incapable of growth and change in themselves and has literally no forethought for others.

The more I'm exposed to other survivors, the better I understand it all. Smh

No wonder she also loved movies with no action; it's all talk, no expectations.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

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I'm fairly sure that the album that was supposed to be the wedding album is still on the bookshelf.... 🤔

I have this fun idea of using it to document this year of fun, challenging myself, and self discovery.

Even if it's not there? I may buy one for myself. The things I've accomplished these last 6 months are important and things that I could never have done in my relationship because my ex was literally a chain around my neck. I couldn't do much for myself because she was always in crisis. And even when she wasn't? She would manufacture one. So I want to document these adventures to remember my strength and who I am and how much I love me; so that no matter what the future brings, I will never let me go again.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

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Sometimes it feels like the universe is pushing and pulling me in different directions. And I just follow even when I think I'm rebelling.

I want to see someone during the time of the month they will find me most attractive due to pheromones? The person organizing the event gets covid 🙃

I want a chill week before hanging out with someone else for the first time? Here have a bumpy week. 🙃

It's all very minor stuff, it's just annoying, but in the long run I will only remember the good.

Maybe the first person needs to see me in my outfit for FetCon especially for a celebration of a stressful event being over. Who am I to question the universe?

Maybe I needed to have some annoying shit happen so I could focus on all the fun ahead.

Maybe I need to squeeze in that event in a few weeks and see if that cute person from last time I got caught in the rain with shows up again.

Whatever the reason, I'm finally beginning to trust there is more at work than I can see. I don't need to know the destination as long as I can hit some key pit stops and landmarks on my way there. I guess this is what faith looks like, staying curious and excited and trusting in the journey.

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

[shewantedtoandsoshedid]

Let's add this to the amount of hilariously helpful things that have been dropped in front of me that I don't need. Saw this on my way to dinner last night.

There's also a funeral home less than two blocks from my current office apparently.

And that's ignoring the one that's walking distance from the apartment.

What's so funny isn't just how all of these things started to happen after she left, but the fact that I simply didn't even have the bandwidth to notice that there was funeral home so close to my job. What's funny is this being her "dream" but her really not doing much at all to pursue it. She took a Lyft to class a few times, I had to pick her up tho. She took the classes and didn't ask for help until it was too fucking late every single time. Had she asked me to help her study earlier in the semester she would've done better instead of cramming the day of. Had she wanted to work at a funeral home she would have been applying to them. Had she actually wanted to finish the program, she wouldn't have moved away. I bet she's relieved. And I bet she'll blame me and not being able to live here; when she never even genuinely tried, much like our marriage. Every time there was always an excuse. And like I get it, life is scary, but I can't be married to no scary bitch; that's not who I am anymore. Having to take care of a grown ass adult 24/7 and constantly prioritize them over myself made me less afraid and much more confident.

The other thing that came up today was that saying, the same way we get them is the same way we lose them... I got you hurt and insecure, a hot mess, unhealthy, hiding all of these parts of yourself, and beginning our relationship with you cheating on me and expecting me to be happy that you are betraying me. And I'll be damned if that's not how I let you go, down to the cheating, betrayals, and lies. No real meaningful change. And that's okay because I am finally acknowledging that it's not my job to fix you.

And you found me healed and confident, funny, intelligent, well prepared, and hard working, making moves and progress, but not finding much purchase because the men I surrounded myself with were shy as shit. And I'll be damned if that's not how you lost me. Sure I've got some more healing to do, but I am every bit of confident, funny, intelligent, well prepared, just as hard working that I was before, and still making moves and progress. And while I still surround myself with shy men, I also understand them a lot better now.

This is my holy revival. My divine return to embracing myself and all that I am.

There have been so many experiences and so much growth these last 12 years, but more than anything, I'm realizing how much you held me back, and on purpose too. Scared that I would leave you, that I would abandon you; well you got your wish that you were pushing so hard for. I've abandoned you. I want nothing to do with you. Your greatest fear of not being good enough for me? That came true too. Enjoy reaping what you've sewn.