shesayd

[shesayd]

The mysteries of the first relationship,

how to know how much of what you feel is actually true? How do we know if we’re being blind over a guy who in the end isn’t really all you wanted? We ask ourselves if him being good is enough to make it up for the things you wish he did, or wish he didn’t.

Breakups are not easy, and even when you have never gone through one, you know this is going to hurt like hell, even though you’re the one asking for it. What should we do when you’re no longer with the person you dedicated a year to? Where do all the plans you made together go? All the memories and the never leaving smell of them in your room? What happens to all of that?

We all know that the perfect guy doesn’t exist, basing your life over perfection is not going to get you very far, that’s why we accept things from the man we love, cause he’s not perfect, he’s a man after all, we’re not supposed to expect much, right?

I’m just so fucking tired of this fucking excuse. You’re a great woman for him, aren’t you? You change yourself for him, you learned to cook, you dress to please him, you offer your body for his pleasure, you sacrifice your time to do the activities that he likes to do, but tell me one thing that he changed for you? Tell me one thing in his life that changed to please you? You keep telling yourself and your friends that a relationship is made from sacrifices, but then why are you the only one that’s makes any?

“But he’s good to me, and I love him”, yeah, but how much more of this you can take? Are you going to live the rest of your life handling everything you’re unhappy with just because he’s good…?

It’s always good to remember that we only live once, you won’t get another chance, this is your only life to live, and you’re the one who should choose whatever you’re going to do with it. Be who you want, date who you want, do what you want, believe what you want to believe. It’s better to regret something you did then to die wondering.

14/10/2024

[shesayd]

loving you is hard

loving you is craziness

loving you is second guessing

loving you is a bunch of insecurities piled up on me

loving you is thinking

loving you is changing

loving you is wonder

loving you is trying hard on and for everything

loving you makes me question why you love me

loving you is thinking i’m not good enough

loving you is thing this will never work

loving you is admitting that maybe you should be with someone else

loving you is letting you go.

But I won’t.

Loving you is summer, sweat and dizziness

but loving me is snowstorms, loving me is a tornado destroying an innocent house.

loving is hard

i guess loving me is even harder

and somehow we hope the hot and snowy days last forever

[shesayd]

I never wanted someone so bad in my whole entire life, I never felt so lost and hopeless in my entire life, I never felt so desperate as I am right now. I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to face my fears and get over with this, I don't know how to fight my insecurities, I don't know how to overcome this situation, I don't know how to deal with you, I can't forget you, I can't leave, I can't be free, I just don't know anymore. I can't afford to lose a percentage of me for you everyday, how long will I last? How much more of me there's left? Every little lost piece of me, where are they going? Will I ever find them again? Will I ever be complete again even if it is without you?

I don't know where to go

18/08/2023

[shesayd]

i miss you every second of every single day, the one minute i see you on week days are not enough, you're always so distant it's like you're not even there, but somehow, my mind always find a way to keep you alive, to keep the momery of you in shapes and colors, i see you in everything that I do, everywhere, all the time, see you even when i close my eyes, when im dreaming of you, when im dreaming of us.

Falling for you was the worst thing that ever happened to me, you made my life miserable, you made my life colorless, everything lost meaning, I see no joy anymore, I see no point on living with it being without you, i lose focus, i lose meaning, i lose interest, i lose life, there's no sparkle anymore, everything that is not related to you it's dull, it's boring, it's bland, it's ordinary.

I don't know how I'm gonna make it in this situation, i'm starting to lose my sparkle, to lose hope, to lose happiness, and i know the only place can find them again is in you.

18/08/23

[shesayd]

I think I got a lot to think about, sometimes i think I think too much but in reality, maybe I need to think a lot more, in different ways, different directions, a different mindset, maybe I need to change, in various ways, I need to understand better, me and other people, my shit and all the other shit around me, maybe I need to get out of this place I, so aggressively, hold on to. I keep telling myself I am a grown woman but I don't know shit about being a grown up, I have no idea of how it is to be a normal adult person, I don't know anything, and perhaps that's why people keep seeing purity and innocence in me, maybe I am pure and innocent, maybe no one ever taught me to grow, so I just never did. I'm tired of making mistakes, I'm tired of pretending, of trying, of wondering, of lying, I'm just so tired.

[shesayd]

regret

regretting what you did or regretting what you didn't do? what's worse?

I hate both of them, and that's why i keep doing wrong shit, both sides of me are aiming for something, the both want it, but they're both afraid, so so afraid.

Now to the question, what's worse?

Regretting something you didn't do is to suffer to a feeling, is suffering to an idea of what could've been, is imagining, is wondering, is the torture of thinking too much, expecting too much, wanting too much.

Now, regretting what you did is feeling it in your skin, is re-thinking it over and over again in your head, is the sensation of your skin burning in anger, embarrassment, fear and regret, is the torture of not being able to forget, is the grief that's marked in your soul forever.

[shesayd]

nowadays it's impossible to imagine myself sitting here not thinking about you, how would this work be without you, what would i be doing all day if not waiting for you to pass by? I wonder how it is to see you and not feel a thing, not feeling a spark of life, a chill going down your spine, a higher body temperature, shaking, nervous, anxious, how is it to not feel any of that? How do people not melt entirely with your smile, such a pretty smile, in such a pretty face, even someone who's blind could how much you shine, you shine. You shine so bad it blinds me, it makes hard for me to see my own self shinning, i did things for you, i changed for you, and yet your brightness is just so high it doesn't even seem like i'm doing anything, you overshadow me, and the worst part, i don't even mind, i would let you do it for the rest of my life.

[shesayd]

I am deeply afraid I won't make it. Maybe I won't make it in college, maybe I won't make it at work, maybe I won't make it in life, and, for once, I wanna make it, I don't wanna fail, I don't wanna give up, I'm just so so afraid.

[shesayd]

i’m so tired of so much and whenever i feel it it just gets more and more craved into my soul

[shesayd]

sometimes i wonder if i’m doing too much, or if maybe i should be doing something else like someone else, and i always find it extremely wrong that i wanna be like any other person, cause deep down i just really shouldn’t be wondering, maybe that’s what’s wrong in the first place, i shouldn’t wonder if i should be me or “something else”. I let other people opinion shape me so much when in reality they shouldn’t matter at all.

[shesayd]

"I created the worst version of myself, I let myself fall into a hole that I dug, I made up my own insecurities and now I gotta live with what I thought would be good enough. I've always lived in a world of fantasies, I really thought I could make my daydreams real, thought I could make a different personality mine, thought I could erase myself to the bone and breathe the best (or at least better) me.All of those were fake, it's all an attempt to escape reality, an attempt to stop feeling all the shit I feel. In reality I could never run away from any of that, it's craved deep into my soul, a soul that will forever be mine."

[shesayd]

"I wonder if even with all the bad things I think about him, I could still fall for him. Sometimes I think I could, "he's a nice guy, he makes me feel...", what does he makes me feel? I searched for a word in every corner of my mind to describe how he makes me feel, but that's the thing, I don't think he makes me feel anything. I feel bad for us, not because i wanted something to happen, but cause it would've been beautiful if it did."

[shesayd]

"Even with the bad things I've said about you, even with all the shit you've done, I still like you a lot. I think you're the one I'll miss the most, out of every guy, out of every friend, out of every human being, no one will ever be like you. I'll always miss you and I'll always love you."

[shesayd]

"I missed him. Missed every single moment we didn't get to have, missed the ones we did have, missed how everything used to be before it went downhill. I thought I was fine, thought I was over it, maybe, just maybe, he meant more than i thought he did."

[shesayd]

"I wanted to be so busy that I wouldn't even have time to think, I wanted to never be able to get in my head, to always be so caught up with compromises that I wouldn't even breathe, so busy with so many things that I wouldn't even feel, I wouldn't wanna kill myself, I wouldn't think of a way out of everything, I would have meaning maybe, I would live."

[shesayd]

"it's like i'm in an empty room and when something bad happens its like the lights go off, if you think about it, it doesn't change much, sure i can't see but im still in my room, i know every corner of it, i know where the light switch is, but i just sit there, as if i couldn't just turn the light back on. Honestly, being in a dark empty room feels like drowning, it just feels so calm, like there's a war outside but you're just laying there, unable to do anything. I feel chaos, but a quiet type of chaos, like i'm drowning fish, like i'm consciously passed out, like i see death coming."