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Meee tonight

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1. Last year the doctor told me that this kind of sadness is inherited. That they have discovered that sometimes it skips a generation. That the darkness inside me did not grow from nowhere it came from somewhere. I thought to myself, that there is a reason why I have always thought my heart was an attic where I hid pieces of myself. Pieces no one ever wanted. 2. The first boy I ever chose to show this sadness to decided to take it from my attic heart and planted it inside my soul instead. It was easy for him. My soul was a garden I showed him too soon. And he decided that meant he was allowed to take anything he wanted to. 3. Every man who has dared to love me since, has stared at this dark ivy covered soul like it is a haunted house, and I have never tried to explain the thing I have always known. Because men do not have to learn how to open their own selves and lock themselves up again. They are taught to be themselves and the world will accept them better that way. We are taught to break our bodies to be loved. We are taught to confuse sex and love. 4. I knew a girl whose father left her and she took all of her love for him and ate it to comfort herself. People joked how she lived in the kitchen. No one saw her tears when she ate. 5. A friend once told me that she locked herself inside the closet when her parents fought because her father beat her mother and she wished herself into the wood, just so she knew what it was like to be an inanimate object that couldn’t hear or feel anything. 6. My mother told me, that it is the way of the world for girls to grow into women by locking secrets inside themselves. Till now I still imagine every woman I have ever met as a big beautiful house. Full of secret rooms, hiding places, once filled with innocent laughter and joy. Now slightly sad and forgotten because of all those lost places inside them full of secrets.

Nikita Gill, The House Inside Her (via meanwhilepoetry)

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feels 😭

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What I really want? 😭

For so long, I had invested myself in continuously working towards the next best thing, but in the process, I had lost sight of what I wanted. I had been so busy trying to take advantage of all my choices that I had set standards for myself to have the perfect job, the perfect relationship, and the perfect life. When my expectations weren't fulfilled, my negative thought process set into motion a chain reaction that affected me on life. I wish I could say I have answered the question: What do I want? I still don’t know. 🙃

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Devil Inside Me.

I am a shy type person. A girl who loves to be alone. Hates the crowd & hates the people judging other when they are not around. I dont usually interact with people even I know them in many years. I hate those nonsense noise spreading out thru their filthy mouth. I hate the cigarette smokes coming to me. I am a woman with few words and the other side inside me is a monster. A monster created of people I used to trust. People who actually deprived my self-esteem. They take away my happiness, sometimes I am so depressed to the point that I dont know the reason anymore. Sometimes I wanna be wilder than I could. Those greedy bullshit people take away the chance to let those who want to enter in my life because I already build a firm fence so that nobody could hurt me like the way they did before. Fire starts to flame, The waters gets colder but the DEVIL INSIDE me is painfully inflamed.

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If we could expect every goodbye, could we possibly make them a little less painful and a little more beautiful?

Lukas W. // Morning thoughts (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

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Girls Like Girls

I am actually writing this because of my overwhelming feeling today. Hi! I am Sheryl at isa ako sa libo-libong bisexual sa mundo. Isa din ako sa mga nakutya, nadiscriminate, na-judge noon at kung ano-ano pa. At first, hindi naman talaga ako ganito, nagsimula lang nung yung bestfriend ko e humanga sa isang lesbian nung 2nd high school kami tapos 4th year yung crush nya and at the same time may naging classmate kming lesbian na naging bestfriend ko. So ayon na nga start tayo sa bff ko na kapag recess na hihilain nya nako pababa ng canteen masulyapan lang ang crush nya since 2ndfloor ang classroom namin minsan nkakapagod ang bumaba kasi pwede naman tlaga ako magpasabay nalang ng pagkain sa mga bibili. Minsan nga nasasabihan ko siya “Ano ba yan! Babae crush mo. Kadiri!!” HAHAHAHA. Hanggang shempre bff ko sya naging ganon yung routine namin everyday. May magagawa bako? Bestfriend ko yon e! Mahal ko yon! Sumunud naman sa lesbian na classmate namin, grabe kakagigil yun mga beshy! Kasi gangster yon e. Alam nyo ba yung nausong buhok noon na may patilya tpos may buntot pa? ganern yung buhok nya at dahil sa isa sya sa mga thuglife noon isa din sya sa pasaway sa classroom 😂 Since then kinaasaran ko na sya non dko kasi alam kung nagpapapansin lang sya kasi lagi sya na lelate sa mga klase nmin. Laging nsa isip ko ano ba yan “feeling gwapo naman akala nya kung sino” HAHAHA hanggang sa one day, nagsimula na syang umupo sa likuran (dhil kung maalala nyo alphabetical ang ayos ng upo nung h.s days. Ano bang mgagawa ko? Shempre dulo ako palagi SALES eh!) lagi na syang umuupo sa tabi ko kasi ka grupo yung gangster na tropa nya Na nasa isip ko noon jowa nya. Ewan ko ba! Naalibadbran ako noon palagi. Nkkainis kasi ang ingay nla tpos feeling close pa sya sakin. Nang dumating yung araw na ewan ko ba bat naging kaibigan ko ang tomboy na yun. Dumating yung ilang buwan uso noon yung Group Message tpos yung clan. Yung tibo na classmate ko na naging kaibigan ko sinasali ako sa clan nila But I refused, puro tomboy kasi ang kasali, Mahiyain kasi ako diko alam kung mahahandle ko yung EB (Eyeball) saka kasi di naman ako papayagan ng mama ko umalis ng bahay. Well, dahil gago ang kaibigan kong yun diko alam sinali nya ako without my permission. Na-shock ako bat may nagwewelcome skin? ano to? Sheeet! Sumasabog ang inbox ko sa isang iglap. I never thought na mag eenjoy ako sa clan na yon. That was the first time that I joined a clan. (kahit hindi tlaga ako sumali) Hesitant ako kasi andon yung ex nya kasi nagka-issue na parang napagselosan ako non. That time kapa-kapa muna. Anghirap! Shet. I wanna quit! PAANO AKO MKKIPAG CLOSE SKANILA? EH MAGTO-TROPA SLA? Sinong ginago nila? Hahahaha. Day after day ayon may nakakaclose nman ako kahit papaano. Naging close ko rin ang FIRSTLOVE Ko! Hahaha ulul! First love, first butch in my life, first nanloko skin first paulit ulit nanloko en ofcourse first heartbreak 😂I dont actually remember what was her codename. uso yun noon dba? Hahaha. That was fast. Diko na naisip na nakain kona pla yung mga sinasabi ko sa bestfriend ko noon na hinding hindi ako magkakajowa ng tomboy. Wag na natin pangalanan yung ex ko na yun kasi actually may jowa na kmi pareho. Nkakahiya namn diba? 😂 Shempre lahat namn ng relasyon masaya dba? SA UNA? hahaha. Okay kmi kasi yung bestfriend kong tibo tropa nya. We’ve been for 2 years. 2 years is enough para lokohin nya ko. Nauuntog din ako. Diko na ikkwento yung mga bitterness ko noon kasi baka sabihin d pko nakakamove on. Don nalang sa nkakatawa at masaya! siguro msarap lang balik balikan yung ready nko sumugod dhil nalaman kong may bbae sya kaso pagdating ko natimbrehan na pla sya. Lol! Naghiwalay din kmi Day after nmin mag 2 years. Its not worth it. Its not working. We need space. Masakit pero kasi na taken for granted ako at sa di inaasahang pagkakataon nagkagusto ako sa iba. Sabihin na nating mas minahal ko kesa sa firstlove ko. Well, katulad ng una hindi din nag work. Ofcourse! Nagloko din at naghiwalay kmi at our 1st anniv. Diko alam pero prang sinumpa yung mga anniv nmin. Kaya ngpa phobia akosa ganyan-ganyan e. Hahaha Mas masakit kesa sa unang break-up. Sobrang sakit as in! Matagal din akong naging single non. Taon din ang binilang. Nag focus ako sa pag aral habang nagttrabaho. May nanliligaw na nga saking lalaki noon pero diko alam bat ganon pakiramdaman ko prang nandidiri ako pero di ako MANHATER ah. Years has passed, Doon sumulpot ang Current girlfriend ko. 4 years na kmi and yes! Nlagpasan ko yung sumpa ng mga anniversaries na yan. At apat na beses pa. HAHAHA Hindi naman perpekto ang relasyon namin anjan yung away-bati. on & off. at nagpapasalamat ako na di tulad ng una at pangalawa. WALA NAMAN SYANG BABAE Kahit napakadami na ng rason para mababae sya, dahil lesbian ang mga ex at jowa ko DI ako nakaligtas sa mga judgement ng ibang tao. “Ayy, ano ba yan. akala ko nag aaral ng mabuti babae pala ang karelasyon. “Nkakadiri.” “Mkasalanan” at kung ano ano pa na parang dudurog sa puso ko pag naririnig ko. Minsan ssabihin pa sayo. Anong masarap sa tomboy? Eh parehas lang namn kayo may ano nyan. Ano? Mgkikiskisan lang kayo? Na parang gusto kong murahin yung mga nagtatanong skin ng ganon. Tangina naman. Ang tanda-tanda nyo na wala pa kayong pinagkatandaan. Minsan nga may bata pa na tinuturuan ng matanda na sabihin sa harap namin na “YUCK” srsly? Ikw? Matanda ka uutusan mo yung bata ng ganon? Shempre mpagpatol ako. Kasi skin okay lang na husgahan ako pero sa jowa ko hindi ako papayag o kaya sa mga kaibigan kong butch. Sila kasi tlaga nag oovercome ng mga sakit na sinasbi ng iba. Sila kasi yung iba yung itchura. Sa pananamit sa gupit ng buhok at sa pagkilos. Mahirap kasi sa iba nagsasalita sila base sa nakikita nila hindi nmn nila nkita o alam yung pinagdaanan ng natin dba? Hindi Mahirap ang mkipagrelasyon sa kapwa mo babae o lalaki. Ang mahirap lang yung mga mpang mata na taong nkpaligid saatin Minsan sila pa yung laging nagsisimba. Tao din kmi. Hindi kmi alien kaya sana sa mga nagssabi na BABAE AT LALAKI lang ang ginawa ng diyos sana mabigyan nyo kmi ng tamang sagot kung sno ang gumawa smin. Hindi naman namin ginusto na maging ganito pero sana buksan nyo ang puso at mata nyo pra irespeto din kmi.

Sa mga kaibigan kong bakla at tomboy jan. BE PROUD! Dont let anybody belittle you.

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My Introverted Side. 😫

I thought that maybe I'm not really an introvert so I tried to change myself, to be more outgoing and sociable by joining other group in class when I was in high school. It was totally a shock since everyone in the club is extrovert and spending hours and hours with them just drained my energy. I have to fake smile and talk about things that I have no interest in. Inside me, I admire their energy and confidence yet I feel so overwhelmed by that at the same time. And I realized that; 'oh shit, I never feel like an introvert more than ever in my life around these people'. We, introverts, are often mistaken to be shy & coward. That was what all my extroverts perceive an introvert. But we aren't. I can totally slay a lecture presentation without fear or wear a weird costume without being afraid of being judged. We are introverts and we just tend to share things less, talk slower and think more. Have you ever had any friends telling you that 'You have such a hard personality.' ; 'You are so hard to get closed with.' ; 'Why don't you go lunch with us?' ; 'Honestly, I feel a bit distanced with you.'? My friends did ask me that. And I'm glad that they asked me since I have a chance to talk about my introvert things so that they could embrace my personality without confusion.

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Indeed. 🤘🏼

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