she-void

[she-void]

30s and Depressed

I’m turning thirty-four this year, and this is not where I thought I would be. Nowhere. We’ve all heard that before, right? I bet all of us have thought about it before, once or twice, or all the time like me. And probably followed by a ‘I don’t know what to do with my life.’ Well, welcome to the twenty-first century human race.

I was watching a historical fiction tv show last night and, for a moment, I was grateful for my life. I didn’t have to live without electricity, running water and modern conveniences like an air conditioner, food delivery, online shopping and the Internet. And as a woman, I can study and vote (not that I do the latter). So, I felt better at that time.

But today, I thought ‘Isn’t that a pretty low bar for myself?’ I haven’t had a real job since mid-2019. I tell everyone that I’m “freelancing.” That’s the new code for the unemployed, like “entrepreneur” was in the early 2000s. I guess I should be grateful that I can afford (loosely applied) to be like this thanks to my middle-class family money. But that’s not going to last forever.

I wished all the time that I had one instant passion - that I knew what I wanted to be in life since I was a kid and stuck (ehem committed) to it. You know, the plot to all those touted success stories we’ve all been inundated with in today’s popular culture. The myth of being born to do something. I’m still waiting for it.

Most days I push myself to at least do something. I tell myself ‘Okay, so you want to do something with your life. Then, start!’ I’ve enrolled in numerous online courses because I want to change careers. One I thought will get me a more attractive, competent and relevant skill set in this digital age. Oh and a higher salary. Who cares if I’m not naturally good at or interested in math and computers? Just push, like giving birth everyday.

So, if I should be grateful for this “timeout” and have been encouraging myself with platitudes like ‘At least you’re trying. Some people are happy just being lazy and staying where they are’, then why am I still depressed?

Maybe it’s because I feel like I haven’t really done shit. I haven’t finished my online studies according to my planned timeline and I have not become competent in the new field that I want to be in. Just dabbled in it really, not even worthy enough to be called a “noobie” or “jack of all trades, master of none.”

I spend my days in my room in front of my screens watching Netflix, Disney+ or Prime (yes, I’m paying for more than one streaming service monthly) instead of feeling pumped and “going after my passion.” I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know why.

I don’t want to blame it on my Bipolar II disorder because it feels like an excuse. In my head, there’s this nagging, critical voice (think Tiger Mom) always ordering my inner child what to do. Then, the child cries and wants to die. So that’s pretty much my internal emotional dynamic.

I have taken so many wrong turns in my life that, if I was given the chance to time travel to rectify the course of my life, I wouldn’t know at which point exactly where to unfuck my life. Should it be in college, in high school or do I even get to unchoose my parents?

I know it makes me sound like an ungrateful, narcissistic bitch. Hello, grow up! But, trust me, that’s the least of the problems in my mind. I worry about the future but I’m stuck regretting the past. So I’m left with escaping to the different worlds I conjured up in my head (with painstaking detail I might add because I can be quite neurotic).

Part of me loves the fact that I can post these things in some corner of the Internet and no one will know who I am because cyberspace has gotten so big. But that feeling - the freedom of anonymity - eventually gives way to loneliness. That I’m just emptying my soul in some black hole that will eventually consume me, and no one will be the wiser. These cries for help won’t do me any good.

[she-void]

THE HELL OF LIMBO

I had always believed that I can learn and do anything if I just applied myself to whatever goal I choose. But now, even that has been taken away from me.

Nothing to go back to, nowhere to move forward to either. Just stuck in the present with no options. Seeming as if purgatory is worse than hell itself.

Feeling like an old failure whose best days weren't really glorious, just slightly made better compared to now by the ignorance of youth and the deceiving promise of possibilities.

Closing my eyes and still seeing my dreams crashing fast and hard, like a tower burning and tumbling to nothingness. Hearing the frozen screams of my spirit with horror running the show.

Shivering and crying in the night, mind desperately trying to come up with a plan. A broken will tries to make a stand despite never-ending blows to my ego and self-respect.

Banging the walls of my heart with frustrated sobs. Tears no can cares to see, wailing no one wants to hear.

Is this Job's test or karma from sins of past lives accrued? What is there left for me to do?

Escape limbo and secure damnation, to be free of the fantasies heaven cruelly teased me with and turned me into a fool.

[she-void]

Can you imagine wanting something and someone so bad and know that they're beyond your grasp all along? Seeing it in your mind so clearly, so vividly, down to the last detail, and awash with neverending waves of feelings so strong and heavy that they must be real. So you never want to open your eyes again, in a futile vigil for that reality to manifest. A desperate dreamworld you imprisoned yourself in. Because the life that appears before your open eyes is not worth it.

[she-void]

Life is not easy, but it is worth the effort. There will be times when you want to give up, but don't. Instead, push through the tough times and keep going. The struggles and challenges you face are only temporary and they will make you stronger. Remember, the road to success is not a straight path, it is full of twists and turns, but if you stay focused and determined, you will reach your destination. Never let anyone dull your spark or dim your light. You are unique, you are special and you are destined for greatness. Trust in yourself and your abilities and you will achieve more than you ever thought possible.

[she-void]

One of those days, feeling sad, depressed, angry, lonely, and just done. Don't know whether to weep, lash out, numb myself with any substance or distraction I can find, or just end it. Wanting to do all those things at the same time. Can't plan ahead. Can't even think about tomorrow, literally.

Bipolar II depression cycle at its strongest.

[she-void]

What if I were just in love with an illusion of you? One I created to make this hell bearable. And it shattered tonight. Stabbed me like betrayal. Pouring sweet wine over my lacerated heart. Imaginary wounds made real. Or was this a part of your truth that I had turned my eyes away from? That it was there all along, self-inflicted blindness in the name of hope and adoration. Now, I'm left fantasizing about hurting you and still keeping you. This is some dark love.

[she-void]

So much stress, so much going on. Depleted and raving mad. Wondering what's the point of trying so hard in a Sisyphean existence. Let it end, let me end.

[she-void]

I'm both worried and terrified. But I hide those feelings in that deep dark hole beneath my heart. Though I can still hear it, feel it, like the incessant beating drums of war. It keeps every molecule of my being awake yet I can't concentrate on anything except that which I am trying to forget. All because I want to be strong.

[she-void]

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.”

— Nicholas Sparks

[she-void]

Obsession and fantasy collide in my mind tonight while the sad music of acoustic covers fills my heart. Faraway and hopeless longings. Sweet torment of despair paired with the bliss of wilful ignorance.

#unrequited #sadness #emonights

[she-void]

I hate being sensitive. When the slightest thing or word could set you off and you're either crying in some corner of your soul or banging your fists on the keyboard till the keys starts flying. I hate that some person could affect me by their presence or absence. I hate all these imagined hurts that become physical in the pain it brings. I hate being a sponge and absorbing people's emotions so much that I can't distinguish them with mine, then I'll numb myself with distractions and addictions till I can't feel anything anymore and the void welcomes me. I loathe all these things and yet I still am that.

[she-void]

I'm so tired of explaining my life choices to people. But most of all I'm tired of telling it to myself. Sharp voices inside my head. Call it imposter syndrome or whatever. I am too tired.

[she-void]

Obsessive tendencies dragging me down the rabbit hole. I know what's like to be afraid of your own mind.

[she-void]

I got the sudden urge to cry and I can't hold it in. But I'm happy too. Thank you, Lord, angels, spirits and multiverse.

[she-void]

Every morning, when I wake up, I whisper to myself "just try," even if I actually end up starting my work around 7PM and just spent the time before that escaping this world with whatever distraction I could find. I don't get to accomplish all that I set for myself that day but that's got to be better than simply not trying at all.

[she-void]

My mother is dead, my brother is mean to me and all my father does is criticize me. My "friends" only contact me when they need something. Everybody wants something from me. What is the point of living? The only thing that had sustained me was bettering myself - learning as much as I can and improving my skills - in hopes of one day I can escape from this hell hole and live a better life elsewhere. But even that fails me now. What a shitty existence. Maybe it's just better to run towards my next lifetime. May the gods and multiverse have pity on my soul then.