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shawnakat · 8 years ago

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I LOVE THIS

Try by Colbie Callait

SONG 5

I know I haven’t written for some time, I’m sorry I got sick and I want to also thank the lovely anons who said nice things bout the last OS. Tumblr is fixing my ask box, so I’m sorry I haven’t thanked you personally yet. Slight warning, that this fic deal with insecurities as an issue and I just want to recognize two things, (1) April as a character has grown and her insecurities aren’t the same anymore - so this is AU, based around s8/9, and she doesn’t fail her boards nor have active battle with her religion. (2) Everyone’s journey with nsecurities are dfferent. This is based on my understanding how insecurities work, I’m sorry if anything is offensive.

Put your make up on, get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile, keep it slim

So they like you.

Do they like you?

April’s not really sure how exactly she convinced herself to work up the nerve to do what she was about to do, but somehow here she was. She nervously fidgets around, pulls on her clothes, tidies up her sweater, and picks invisible linen from her pants. She straightens out her hair and places the curls gently on the shoulders. He’ll be here in the attending’ lounge soon. She’d made a quick check with him this morning in the on call room, to check what time he was off.

She wasn’t really sure when this whole sleeping together thing became their thing, but here they were, holed up in the on call rooms of the hospital, everyday, sometimes twice a day. She wasn’t complaining. Of course not, that wasn’t what this was about. Never in her most optimistic dreams did April ever expect someone like Jackson to want a…. whatever it is they were, with someone like her.

As the years went by, and having only had one boy in high school who’d taken her to the carnival and dumped her the next day because she was too ‘enthusiastic’ and 'didn’t know how to chill’ and a college boyfriend who’d called her a 'prude’ because she’d made it clear to him she was waiting until marriage, expectations of any kind of love dwindled down. She guesses she’s lucky she even has the kind of relationship she has with Jackson. She shouldn’t, couldn’t, expect more.

Some little girls, herself included, dream of white weddings, and sweet boys who’d love them and babies and white picket fence houses. The sad reality, April came to know as an adult is society will rise to the occasion to make sure that some of these little girls know, as they grow up, that there are a few shortcomings with them, that might make this dream impossible.

She was scrawny, had fizzy hair, braces, acne and pigeon toes. Apparently, boys liked only a particular image she’d never be capable of looking like. So, when she was old enough, she promised herself she’d try her hardest to look like that. Maybe then, someone would love her. So she runs every morning, goes to yoga on the weekends and swims every other day. She dyes her hair red, and uses a tirade of products, so that she always had long locks of shiny, bouncy hair. She fixes her teeth, and gets her braces off, and spends a fortune to get rid of the acne and torturously wears a leg brace for a year to and goes to ballet to get rid of the pigeon toes. She looks a lot different now than what she did. She’s still not perfect, she still refuses to look in the mirror and call herself beautiful nor does she expect anyone else to call her beautiful. She’d settle for 'not bad looking’ any day.

It doesn’t work. Turns out, they tell her, it’s not just the way she looks, it’s her personality as well. She’s annoying, neurotic, crazy, difficult to like. Her colleagues take the time out of their day to remind her that she doesn’t measure up. There’s something different about her they find hard to relate to. They let her know her voice is grating and her presence is unwelcome. She misses Reed in those moments, the only person to ever fully accept her, but she’s happy she at least has Jackson, that is until he tells her she be ashamed that she’s still a virgin. She never thought he’d feel that way, out of everyone else. She wasn’t sure how to go about explaining to them that she didn’t want to lose her virginity in a one night stand, that even if it wasn’t after marriage, at the very least to would be to a man who loved her. She wasn’t sure how to let them know that it doesn’t come easy for some people. They’re beautiful, and smart, and interesting. They’re not her. They don’t understand what it’s like to love without being loved back, to lust endlessly, to convince yourself you’re happier alone, to convince yourself to let go of any dreams because you need to start being realistic. So she calls them out, and feels a rush when Meredith tells her she’s starting like her more and more.

“Hey, I thought you were off an hour ago?”

Her thoughts get interrupted by the very person she’d been waiting for. She turns around to see Jackson walking towards her, and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses him back, and holds him there for a second, because sometimes she still can’t believe this is real. She’s still waiting for him to tell her this was an elaborate prank, that it was all a joke.

“Um, I was waiting for you.” She says, as he pulls back, and starts to change.

“Yeah?”

“I… um, wanted to ask you something?”

He nods, pulling on his shirt.

She’s not sure how to go about it now that she’s here. She practiced it in front of the mirror a million times, and she’s been imagining doing this for a good week now. She just needed to find the surge of unusual confidence she had yesterday and blurt it out.

“Will, uh, w-okay, so…. I was wondering if, you-I…. was thinking, well-” She’s stuttering and it’s not attractive. She can already tell that she’s making a fool out of herself, and that this was a terrible idea. She just couldn’t appreciate what she had couldn’t she? She just couldn’t be satisfied with only sleeping with him, could she?

“April?” He asks her, seemingly slightly amused at her reluctance.

She takes a deep breath, reminds herself the pep talk she gave herself. She deserved more, she deserved more, she deserved more. And if he said no, well, she’d settle for what they have, and love him until he left her for someone better. Then she’d try not to let it kill her.

“Will you go on a date with me?”

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shawnakat · 8 years ago

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💖

Spark

This is a really special fanfic because about a year ago, thanks to this great website, fanfiction and Japril, I found one of my best friends @japrilgreys. I can’t really tell you how glad I am that I met her, but she already knows, so it’s fine :P I wrote this for her birthday, because I know I couldn’t really get her anything. Happy Birthday, once more Truli💛 Love you lots and thanks for being a part of my life💛

So she wanted, Jackson to go to Moline instead of Hunt in s8 to tell April how he felt about her (this is very much AU)

Hope you enjoy!

xxx

There were a few minutes, during the whole journey here, where he stopped and wondered if he ought to have volunteered to come instead of Hunt. It’s not that he didn’t want to see her. God, did he want to see her. He’d missed everything single little thing about April Kepner. He’d missed her hair, the red curls that bounced perfectly when she put them in a ponytail, her hazel eyes that sometimes resembled his blue ones in different shades of light, her creamy, pale skin that was so darn soft because of the endless bottles of creams she insisted on using every night before bed. He missed her smile, her laugh, the bounce in her step, and he even missed her frown. He missed her so much, that sometimes he couldn’t even go to sleep. He’d lie there on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, wishing he could have her right there next to him. Wishing, he’d told her what he wanted to tell her the night she left him.

He wasn’t apprehensive about seeing her, in fact that was the main reason why he’d volunteered in the first place. What he was doubtful about is seeing her seeing him. How would she react? Would she be angry, sad, happy or worse, indifferent? It was that uncertainty of her emotions that made him think twice about taking this trip. But then his senses would be assaulted by a memory of the way she smelled; comforting, familiar, April. It always reassured him he was making a wise decision.

He’d gotten off the plane and made the 2 hour ride to Moline. He’d never been in a town this small. There was a grand total of one news agent, one post office, one supermarket, 2 bakerys, 3 clothing stores and a church. And lots and lots and lots of farms. All through the ride, he’d spent it trying to place April in all these places. He knows she worked in one of the bakeries on her summer holiday. He pictured her smiling wholeheartedly, in her cute ponytail and apron, pouring people coffee and making small talk. He pictured April at the clothing stores, walking in, picking the exact one she wanted and walking out. It was him, actually, who’d spend a long time picking out the clothes he’d want, while she sat there, rolling her eyes at him, chastising him for taking so long. He pictured her, as a child, the petite little red head, running wildly across acres of land with her sisters. After San Francisco, on a few nights, he��d woken up from dreams of a little girl who looked just like that, with a skin tone a few shades darker.

“We’re here.”

He’s snapped back to reality by the cab driver, pulling up to the side of a dirt road. He thanks him, pays the fair, and gets out. In front of him, is a massive red barn, and a modest farmhouse, between two fields that looked like it ran for acres. There were horses, and cows grazing. And sheep, a little far off. He could also see a large corn maze to the right side. It was beautiful.

His nerves were crawling their way back up again. He felt his heart leap up to his throat, as he walked across the grass, towards the farmhouse.

“Jackson?”

He stopped in his tracks. The voice he’d been longing to hear for so long, but he’d been afraid to call her, afraid to talk about…. them.

He slowly turns around, and his heartbeat hammers loudly in his chest.

“April.”

He says her name, full of care and reverence. She looks amazing. She’s wearing her boots, blue jeans, and a checkered red shirt, with a bandana in her hair. The perfect farm girl fantasy. Except she’s not really a fantasy to him anymore. He’d had her, touched her, kissed her, loved her. But this just reminded him how much he wanted to do that again.

“What-what are you doing here?”

She looked confused, the worry lines etching on her face.

“I-uh….” He was still a little awestruck at the sight of her. He’s also trying to buy some time. Suddenly he forgets why he’s here. It’s in that moment his gaze shifts downwards to the little companion who’s with her, “Is that a pig?”

The pig snorts, pushes a little away from April, and she hangs on tight and pulls him towards her.

“No, it’s a duck.”

He chuckles a little. April’s sense of humor is never too lost.

“Jackson, what-”

“Is that a hen pen?” He points to another, much smaller barn, where he can see little chicks prowling around.

“Yes, it is. Look-”

“Wait, that’s a pond. You actually own a duck. I thought you were-”

“Jackson! That’s a farmhouse! That’s a barn! That’s a field! That’s gravel road! That is a tree! This is a pig! What are you doing here?” She yells at him, her voice raised, loud and high pitched. The way it always got when she was a little too frustrated with him.

He’s not sure where to begin, really. What he really needs to talk about is, that night. The night where everything changed. The night when shy, timid, April Kepner, punched a man at the boards and went on to launch herself at him, kissing him like he’d never been kissed before. She was confident, wildly happy and full of energy. He’d found her very difficult to say no to. Not that he’d wanted to. Since Lexie, and if he was been really honest, even before that, kissing April has always been a thought that had run through his mind. Heck, he’d imagined it, the first day he met her at Mercy West. But, for the life of him, he couldn’t remember a reason why he hadn’t. Innocence, friendship, not single. All the reasons ran carelessly through his mind, but none for them seemed good enough now. Maybe if he’d kissed her before. Maybe if he’d taken a the first step. Maybe if he’d not let her be with him, when she wasn’t ready. Although, that night she’d given no indication of it. Maybe if all those maybes had happened, they wouldn’t be here. Awkwardly wondering if that night meant more to the other. And better yet, his always prepared, extremely smart, nerd of a best friend would’ve passed her boards. She didn’t deserve to fail. She was smarter than he was.

Even more so, she wouldn’t have felt guilty about Jesus. He’d never known. Never suspected. Some sundays of the month, she’d disappear somewhere, but he’d never thought much of it. She always had her reasons. He’d nodded and told her to be safe. He knows why she kept it a secret from the others, but wonders why she kept it from him. Regardless, the last thing he’d expected her to tell him was that been with him, gave her a sense of betrayal. It hurt. A lot more than he’d care to admit. Especially because he knew she felt guilty about it, about them. No matter what she said in the men’s bathroom. That was something else. God, was she a seductress. And he kept coming back. It was as if, all his life he’d been looking for something, searching for a void that needed filling. And he found it finally, with April. He couldn’t get enough. He was nipping at the scraps she threw him, and he knew her hurt her, but she hurt him too. He wasn’t here to play the blame game though. He was here to ask for a larger serving. A hopefully, eventual, lifetime supply of April Kepner.

“Jackson?” She asks once more, and he looks at her, a little more decidedly.

“Hunt wants you back.” He starts with that. Because that’s the easiest. And he knows, for a fact it’ll make her happy.

“He wants me back?” She asks, eyes widening, not sure if he’s saying what he’s saying.

“He wants you to come back to Seattle. To Grey Sloan. To become an attending. He said he’ll help you a lot more with your boards. He says he’s sorry he didn’t help as much. I- he wants you back.”

He sees her eyes light up a little, and finally the smile he’d wanted to see. Although it doesn’t reach her eyes, it’s there.

“Really?”

“Really.”

She squeals a little excitedly, and let’s go of the pig who runs away, squealing himself. She runs up to him then, and it feels like forever and just yesterday all at the same time, when she throws herself into his arms. He hugs her tight, sweeping her off her feet. He smells her in, the sweet scent no longer coming from just a memory. She wasn’t just a memory anymore. She was real, and he was holding her. After a while she shimmies her way out of his grip, and he sets her down. She doesn’t look up at him, but stares at his shoes.

He wants to keep her there for a minute, happy, delighted. But he knows he needs to tell her the other stuff. The less happy stuff.

“Sloan died.” He whispered, and a sharp pain rips through his chest. It will take a long time to heal that wound. Lexie’s death was hard. He was never in love with her, that was Mark, but he’d loved her. As a friend, if nothing else. He missed her. But Mark. He was a lot of things to Jackson. A mentor, a friend, a father figure. He missed him more than he could comprehend.

“Oh Jackson.” Her voice sounded broken, and he looked at her to see tears in her eyes. His vision was blurred and he realized she wasn’t the only one who’d gotten emotional.

He felt small hands reach up to his face. He felt her cup his face between her hands, and felt her thumbs swipe across his skin.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispers and he lets his head fall on her shoulders, and she holds him there, while he finds comfort in her. She rubs his back and hums low, almost like she was soothing a child.

After a while, he gathers himself and pulls away from her.

“You didn’t call.” He states, clearing his throat.

“Neither did you.” She says, her tone more clipped. She’s angry. He should’ve expected this, “The phone works both ways you know.”

He hangs his head down in shame, “I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

“You’re my best friend. You were my best friend before… and you’re my best friend after. At least that’s what I thought.” She shrugs, and now she’s sad. He hates himself a little more.

“You’re right,” He nods, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I was just… I didn’t know what to say.” She admits, running her hands down her jeans, wiping away dried mud.

“Neither did I.” That’s not true. He’d known exactly what to say. He’d said it to everyone except to April. They had a spark. The spark had always been there, and now that they’ve explored it, seen what could come from that spark, he couldn’t get enough. There was a spark, a spark that could one day become something more, if it already hasn’t. He just wasn’t sure how to go about saying it.

“Um, so, couldn’t they just have sent me an email letting me know?”

“Oh-”

“April?”

He turns around and the sound of the voice, and comes to face a man, who appears to be in his early 50s, taller than he is, and who looks like he could kill Jackson with one hand.

“Joe.” He pulls out his hand, and smiles at the man he’d met about 2 times. Once during a Christmas he hadn’t gone to Boston, and the other time was after the shooting. He was a little intimidating, but Jackson could see the immense love he had for his daughter. At the time, it had even made him slightly jealous.

“Jackson, son. It’s good to see you again.” Joe smiles, shaking his hand, in a good solid grip, “What on earth are you doing here?”

“Oh, I just… I wanted to tell April that she got rehired to Grey Sloan.”

Joe beams and looks at April, who nods in confirmation, “I told you they’d regret letting you go. I’m so happy for you, honey.”

“Thanks, daddy.” April smiles at him as he hugs her tight against him. The pang of envy comes running up, but he musters it down.

“Jackson, you don’t have anywhere to be do you? My wife’s making lunch. You should join us.” Joe asks, already heading towards the house, before even Jackson can answer. It’s not a question, really and he looks at April for her approval and she shrugs. Although, he doesn’t fail to see a slight hesitation.

They walk across the yard, and he dusts himself off the carpet before he walks into their house. It’s homely. It looks lived in. He loves it already. He follows Joe and April into the kitchen, where smells of delicious varieties assault his senses. The Kepner’s can cook.

“Sweetheart, looks who’s here.” Joe announces, as he walks around the island to where his wife is taking a batch of roasted potatoes out of the oven.

She turns around and her face instantly lights up, “Jackson! Oh it’s so good to see you, honey. How have you been?”

Kepner’s are also huggers, he noticed.

“I’m doing well, Mrs. Kepner.”

“Oh, call me Karen. None of that Mrs. Kepner. I feel old as it is.” She chastised him.

“You don’t look a day over 20, Karen.” He grins, and Joe laughs boisteresly, nodding his head in agreement. He looks to his right and sees April grinning, mumbling the word ‘charmer’ under her breath.

“Oh, stop. You’re too charming.” She blushes. She goes to turn back to her work, when she suddenly stops, “Wait, why are you here?”

Joe relays the story to Karen, and after much squealing and hugging and kisses, Karen voices to her daughter, “But couldn’t the hospital just have called you to tell you this?”

He looks at April sideways and sees her watching him back, curious as to the answer herself. He never got to tell her, really.

He hears a gasp coming from the older redhead, and he turns his head towards her to wonder what she looked so ecstatic about.

“Oh dear! Are you two- are you two boyfriend and girlfriend?” She squeals, and he laughs before he has a chance to be taken aback, because she phrased it so hilariously. Like they were in high school, as opposed to two grown adults with PhDs. Although, considering the way they’ve been acting the last couple of weeks, he doesn’t blame her.

“What?! Mom! No! We are not boyfriend and- We are not dating! Gosh, why would you think that?” April looks genuinely pissed off at her mother’s assumption, and very embarrassed as her rosy cheeks would stand account to. He’s a little hurt by her strong reaction. Would it be such a bad thing if they were?

“Oh alright, you don’t have to get so worked up on it.” Karen said, rolling her eyes. Jackson nodded a silent agreement.

“Mom.”

“I’m just saying, you would make cute babies, that’s all.”

His eyes widened and he choked a little bit on the water Joe had offered him a minute ago.

“Mom!” April yelled, patting him slowly on the back to ease his windpipes.

“Oh, I’m a mother. I think about these things,” She looks up at Jackson with a wide smile, “You know, April cooks as well as I do. Maybe, even better.”

“Oh my god, Mom! Stop trying to pimp me out to Jackson!” April throws her arms widely, the embarrassment evident in her voice. The two men chuckle along. It’s not like he really needed any ‘selling’ on the April front.

“Don’t be so crude, April. Anyway, Jackson, please go sit down. Lunch is almost done.”

They all sat down, and Jackson instinctively reached out for the potatoes that he’d been eyeing since they were pulled out of the oven.

“Let’s say grace, shall we?” Joe Kepner asked, reaching his hand out to his wife and April.

Grace. April’s family said grace before they ate. He smiled, retrieving his hand back, hoping they didn’t notice.

“Jackson, you don’t-.” April whispered from her seat next to him.

“Hand.” He asked, sticking his own one out, and she sighed, before taking his.

“Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the food on our table, and for the opportunity to enjoy our meal with those who love us. Thank you, for believing in our April and for allowing her the opportunity of getting her job back. And thank you, for bringing Jackson into our home. We are forever grateful for all your blessings. Amen.” Joe concluded, “Let’s eat.”

Everyone started helping themselves, but Jackson could feel April staring at him out of the corner of her eyes. She was still curious, still wondering and he really wanted to give her an answer. Although, he felt the lunch table was a little inappropriate. Not that Karen would mind, he thought.

“Jackson, when is your flight back?” Joe asked, passing the beans to April.

“Um, tomorrow. At around 10 am, actually. I have a ticket for April too,” April looked at him wide eyed, probably not expecting the departure to be so soon,“Unless, you want to get it deferred for another day?”

“No! Not at all! I’ll pack soon. I didn’t bring much stuff anyway.” She almost bounced up and down her seat enthusiastically.

“April’s been getting a little tired of the farm, you see.” Joe teased.

“Daddy, I love you but-”

“But the only thing you want to be cutting is a human body.”

The whole table laughed, although Karen still felt the need to swat him in the arm after a few chuckles. Ah, so that’s where the swatting comes from.

“Where will you be staying until tomorrow?” Karen inquires, serving him more sweet corn, even though he’s already close to bursting.

“I thought I’ll get a hotel room, nearby.” He shrugs. He hadn’t exactly thought this plan through. He’d only decided that he was going to go Ohio to get April, in more ways than one, the moment Hunt told him that he’d decided to hire her back.

“Nonsense. You can have the guest room. April, honey, do you mind going upstairs after desert and taking care of it?” Karen smiled sweetly.

He opens his mouth to protest but sees April already making excuses on his behalf. She’s trying to avoid him. That’s the only thing that could explain her denying hospitality to another person. Well, he’s not about to let her. They needed to talk. No matter how awkward and unpleasant it was for her.

“Thank you, Karen. I really appreciate it.” He smiles, and smirks at April, who pouts back at him.

After a few too many slices of pecan pie with extra whipped cream, made from scratch, Jackson watches April, mumbling angry words at him under her breath, march up the stairs carrying some linen.

He makes a move to follow her, to catch her alone, when an arm pulls him into the living room.

He comes face to face with Karen and Joe. Joe looks a bit more awkward, standing there with his feet tapping on the wood, almost as if he can’t wait to get going.

“She likes you.” Karen says, and looks at Joe, who after a sigh, nods in agreement.

Jackson blinks, not really knowing how to respond to that.

“She hasn’t stopped talking about you since she got here. It’s her boards, Jesus and you,” Karen says, and he looks out of the corner of his eye to see Joe trying not to chuckle, just as he is. It was a strange sentence if one was been honest.

“Son, do you like her?” Joe asks, raising a brow. He’s probably wondering if there was any point in letting him know any of this if there was no reciprocation.

He nods.

“Oh I knew it!” Karen squeals, clapping her hands, “I told you!”

Joe laughs then, and looks Jackson in the eye, “It’s the way you look at her.”

Jackson smiles too, and nods again. He’s still a little dumbfounded, clearly he wasn’t expecting this much of an encouragement. It probably helps that neither of them knew that it was his fault April didn’t pass the board’s. He was the one who’d slept with her, and left her, when he knew her well enough to have known she’d freak out. He was the one who’d distracted her again, in the men’s bathroom, because he couldn’t seem to be able to resist whatever charm she was spinning. It was his fault. He’d do it all again, in a heartbeat, but it was his fault. Although, he knew she’d say it wasn’t, he can’t but put the blame on himself.

He also figures that they wouldn’t be too happy knowing he didn’t really have any faith. Karen and Joe seemed very inculcated into the values of their religion. Regardless, he appreciated they thought he was good enough for their daughter.

“Thank you.”

It was all he could manage to say at this point, really. It seemed enough for the two.

He walked up, and headed to his room to find April nowhere in sight.

It’s not until late at night, after dinner, that he finds the time to talk to her. He takes a nap, and then falls asleep right until dinner, because the jet lag and the endless nights of staying awake, finally gets to him. The pin drop silence of the countryside and the knowledge that April is here, lulls him to a deeper sleep than he’d anticipated. He wakes up to a meal big enough to feed an army, and he eats up like he’s been starving for a week. Well, 3 weeks technically. That’s how long it had been since he’d last seen April. Without her, him and Alex had basically existed on a diet of ramen noodles and Chinese takeout. They get the stir fry vegetables, just to be on the healthy side.

He knocks on the bedroom door, and hopes she opens it. He waits a minute, listens for any sounds of her moving about, but hears none. He’d seen her go into the room, he’s sure of it. He tries the door handle, and realizes it’s not locked.

“April?” He asks, and gets no reply, so he pushes it open wider and walks in.

He looks around her room, but finds her nowhere in sight. He sees the bathroom door open and makes his way towards it, when he hears a rustling coming from out of the window. He makes a detour and looks outside to find April, sitting with her back to him, on the roof, casually staring out.

“Mind if I join you?” He asks, quietly, so as to not startle her, but he does see her jump slightly in suprise at his voice. She looks around, clearly looking for an escape route, a way to avoid him, but finds none.

“Sure.” She nods, scooting a little to the right so as to make some room for him.

He sits down next to her, a little bit too careful, because this is the first time he’s sitting down on a roof. He’s not sure how exactly she seems so comfortable with it, when he’s doing his best not to imagine himself falling to his death.

He finds a comfortable position and settles down next to her.

“Wow.” The view is breathtaking. At night, accompanied cool breeze, is a gorgeous starry sky, filled with a million specks of bright stars, and a full moon, and in front of him stretches acres and acres of field. It’s a beautiful place to grow up, he thinks.

“I forget you’re a city boy, sometimes.” She says, and nudges her shoulder.

“Hey, Boston isn’t too bad.”

“Yes, but do the city lights beat this?” She asks, pointing upwards.

“Not even a little bit.” He admits, and she smiles.

He feels at peace in this moment, even though things are tense and they’re about to get even more tense.

“Are we ever going to talk about the boards?”

He feels her stiffen next to him.

“What’s there to talk about?” She asks, and he rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know April, maybe the fact that we slept together. Maybe, the fact that was your first time. Maybe, about how we did it again in the men’s bathroom. Maybe, about how we haven’t talked about it since it happened, and maybe about how you left before I even had a chance to tell you-” He stops midway, and composes himself. He’s angry. He doesn’t want to say what he was about to say angry.

“I’m sorry.” He hears a soft whisper next to him, and out of nowhere April starts to cry. Full on tears, falling down her face. This was definitely not how he’d expect it to go.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay,” He pulls her into him, and she offers little resistance, “What are you apologizing for?”

“I’m such a mess. I… I broke my promise to Jesus, and… and I… I used you, and I clearly hurt you. I hurt Jesus, and you, and my parents, and it’s all because I’m such a mess.” She sobs into his chest, and he feels the cotton get soaked.

“Hey, hey. Used me? I think I was a very willing participant. If anyone used anybody, it was me.” He nods, and she looks up at his face, all teary eyed and beautiful.

“I told you not to say that. I jumped you, Jackson. Not the other way around. I jumped you, and then I freak out, and then I fail my boards and blame you for everything, and if that’s not enough, I run. I’m a mess.”

“You are not a mess. Look, hey, look at me,” He lifts her chin up, before she tries to bury her face in his chest once more, “I loved been with you. I loved every single moment of it. Did-did you?”

She nods, eyes cast downwards, and a blush creeping up her cheeks.

“But you still feel guilty?” He asks, a little morose.

She hesitates for a second, and nods once more.

“I wanted to wait.”

“I wish you’d told me that.” He says, and he does his best to wipe her tears.

“I know.”

“I would’ve waited.”

She looks up at him, blinks and she wrinkles her nose at him, “What?”

“For you. If you stopped kissing me that night, and told me you didn’t want to go ahead, because you wanted to wait, I would’ve waited for you.”

“Really?” She stutters. He nods.

“I know you feel like you let your religion down, and I would’ve never slept with you if I knew, but I don’t regret it, April. I don’t. I don’t regret a single second of being with you, because it was…. something else.”

She gasps, and he wonders if it’s because she finds him hard to believe. She leaves his embrace and looks up at him, eyes wide.

“I don’t either,” She admits it, “I mean, I still wish I could have waited, but… like I said, you changed me. I can never regret that.”

He smiles, content at least in the fact that she doesn’t regret them, even if she still feels the guilt.

“I’m sorry you feel guilty.” He says, sincerely.

“I’ll get over it.” She shrugs, “I’ve been praying a lot. Thinking about revirgenizing.”

He’s not entirely sure how one would go about that, but he doesn’t question it. He’s just a little confused how she says she doesn’t regret it, while also trying to forget it ever happened, “Is it working?”

“The first thing I wanted to do when I saw you was kiss you senseless, and then drag you to the back of the barn. You tell me.”

He’s a little speechless for a while, because he didn’t expect that much of honesty, and he also didn’t expect the bit about the barn. Well, it’ll be a solid follow up to the men’s bathroom if anything.

She groans, and he realizes she’s a bit embarrassed about being so open. He grins.

“I can’t believe I said that.”

“I can’t believe you said that either.” He says, and they both start laughing uncontrollably.

A few minutes pass before they settle down.

“Is that what you came here for? To… talk about… the boards?” She turns her head, and looks at him. He pushes a curl away from her face, and cups her cheek, and watches the spot he touched, turn a shade of pink.

“You blush like crazy,” He comments, slightly chuckling, “and no. Well, technically, yes. It was about that too. But it’s not just that.”

“Okay.” She drags the word out, implying he ought to continue.

He clears his throat, “Spark.”

He mentally slaps himself. After all this time, all this waiting, that’s all his brain could think of to say. Smooth.

“Um, spark?” She looks confused, as she should.

“When you… kissed me, I felt this… this spark,” He stammers, he’s never been this nervous. Then again, he’s never felt like this, “It’s like, I never wanted to stop kissing you.”

It’s so corny and all he can do is laugh uncomfortably, and she still looks shocked. He really hopes she’d say something.

“Okay, so, here goes,” He starts, looking at her, straight in the eyes, because it reminds him just why he’s so scared but also why it’ll all be worth it, “I like you… a lot. A lot more than I ever thought I could, really. And I know that one day, some time later, maybe after about 2 dates, I’m going to tell you how I love you. I’m going to tell you, that you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and that you’re my best friend, and that San Fransisco didn’t just change you. It changed me too. I’ll tell you how there was a spark, and that was all I could think about, because for me, there had always been lust, or desire, but never a spark. I’ll tell you that I hope you felt it too. If you say yes, then I’ll probably ask you if it’s alright if sometime later, I could maybe marry you and we can make love as much as we want. I’ll tell you, I’m happy we found the spark. And then, you… you’ll tell me…”

He poured his heart out, but the confidence slowly weaves off when he realizes the gravity of what he’d said, and how the next thing that comes out of her mouth will make or break him. He wants her, all of her. Back in Mercy West, he found a friend, sweet, nerdy and a little eccentric. In Seattle Grace, he found his best friend, funny, loving and his rock. In San Francisco, he found his other half. He found a best friend, and lover and soulmate all wrapped into one perfect little box, in the wonder that was April Kepner. He hopes, beyond all hope, that she found those in him too.

She opens her mouth and he braces himself, “I’m happy we found the spark too.”

It takes him a moment to realize, as he kisses her on a rooftop in Moline, under a million sparkling stars, that maybe there is such thing as a soulmate. That maybe for some people, there really is only one person.

xxx

Hope you liked it. Hope it wasn’t too corny. It was wasn’t it? 🙈

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