shameofa20something

[shameofa20something]

i feel like a bit of an arsehole, i constantly find myself complaining about two of my housemates (still in uni) because i spend more time looking after/worrying about little things they’re doing rather than looking after my own mental health, but i also just feel like i don’t have time and that i’m not worthy of or allowed to be anxious or depressed. i don’t even take my antidepressants because i’ve been made to feel like i don’t deserve them. i couldn’t even be sad about my now ex cheating on me without one of my housemates making it about them. just feels like i’m not allowed to have any emotion. i’m getting to the point where i’m so just done with basically mothering them that i’m trying to calculate the best time to unalive myself.

[shameofa20something]

well shit…

so much has happened. got in a relationship, got cheated on, had a gender crisis, lost a lot of weight, got pregnant, had an abortion, put the weight back on plus more, had many fights with now ex-friends. now i’m more depressed and anxious than ever, and still don’t have a good relationship with food. i also turned 23 and that’s going, not anything in particular, just going. and i completely forgot tumblr existed, so i’m back! once again this will be my ranting space, and there’s a lot of rant about, but that’s for another post.

[shameofa20something]

OMG I HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS!!

uni has been a wild ride so far and i’ve been her 6 weeks! many panic attacks, and some TRIGGERING things have happened, that i’ve done to myself, it’s a really low place right now. as predicted my eating is worse, ive lost 2 stone (28lbs) since i got here, just from not eating some days and most days only eating 1 meal, or just snacks. and despite the odd binge, onion rings (the crisps) and doritos nacho cheese dip was an odd one, it’s going down, which i’m happy about but i’m overall not happy right not, hence the break. i haven’t been wanting to talk to anyone, even my designated venting place, so i’ll keep trying to post as often as i can, but to be completely honest, i’m not feeling like venting helps at the moment.

[shameofa20something]

A little unintentional break there. Settling in to uni is a lot harder than I thought it would be, ive had some bad days. I’m getting through it though, there's so many supportive people here, no one is ever alone. 

[shameofa20something]

Well I’ve been here less than a week and I’ve already been so drunk that I passed out in the bathroom twice after being sick so that’s fun. This is what you get from not wanting to eat all day brain.

[shameofa20something]

And exactly what I thought would happen has happened, it’s my second full day and I already feel like I don’t belong here. I haven’t had a proper meal since I’ve been here and I dont plan on having one anytime soon.

[shameofa20something]

I’ll be at uni in less that 2 days and the anxiety has hit, I’m absolutely shitting myself. I keep overthinking everything. I feel like I could break down any second.

[shameofa20something]

My uni move in date is creeping closer and all I can think about is how excited I am to be able to not eat, brain please stop with this

[shameofa20something]

I feel like if I just had more money it’d be easier to lose more weight. Money really is the route of everyone’s problems.

[shameofa20something]

Love that moment when you suck in enough that your rolls almost look like abs, almost

[shameofa20something]

I’m assuming it’s a bad thing that I can tell when I’m about to have a panic attack. I full stare into space for a solid 10 minutes unable to focus on what’s going on around me. My brain really likes messing.

[shameofa20something]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

Periods and depression do not mix. Period brain got me thinking about self-harming at uni. I don’t thinks its realised that I already use sex as a form of self-harm when it happens, wants to add that one on there too. I already know I'm going to relapse at uni for my ED anyway, apparently my brain wants it to be obvious I'm not okay. Thats not the coping mechanism sweetheart. Keep it quite and unnoticeable is what you're aiming for.

[shameofa20something]

I think the most unhealthy ED though I have is that if I got really sick and couldn’t eat I’d lose weight. Every time I get a headache I always think it’s finally going to happen. So that’s that. It’s better to just not finish meals so I dont have as many calories.

[shameofa20something]

Please just don’t eat tonight… nobody will love you if you’re unattractive.

[shameofa20something]

Guys I have a problem. I’m 20 in just over a week. I’m still waiting for puberty to do the thing where it makes you hot. And I’m still not skinny. I’m also still super anxious. I’m still depressed. And I’m still having food issues. What a shite way to start off my 20s.

[shameofa20something]

Why do the ED demons always surface when you’re having a depressive episode. I’m already struggling I don’t need more. I stayed in bed all day because of the depressive episode, didn’t want to intersect with anyone, and now my restriction demon is mad at me do eating dinner even though that’s all I ate today. Clearly living my best life.

[shameofa20something]

I want to cry. I haven’t done my workouts for a couple of days and I don’t know why. I want to do them, but I also would rather sit and have a crisis. Help.