shagdreamer

[shagdreamer]

Fear

爬得越高，越怕跌倒。明天就开学了。我开始紧张。脑海里出现了十万个“万一”。万一我没法顺利毕业那该怎么办？挨了那么多年，终于挨到了最后这一关，万一我hold 不住那压力怎么办？万一我尽了全力还是不及格那是不是就要再读多一年？

然后，如果顺利毕业了又怎样？如果找不到工作怎么办？难道要继续留下来被那群人看不起？天大地大，想要有一个属于自己的地方，工作还真难。曾经何时我也想离开。就这样什么都不理就这样离开，可惜还有很多很多的放不下。是不是挨过这一关就能雨过天晴？我的人生真的会因为这些努力而有所改变吗？

[shagdreamer]

Tom Ellis by Matt Holyoak (2015)

[shagdreamer]

Flaw

I dunno. Many a times I dunno. When I got something good, I always shared. The first grp of pple who came across my mind was you guys.

But whenever I wanted to do something buy something, it's always disapproval. This is why when I bought my Sony A6000 I dont even posted to share my joy.. because I know u guys wont feel happy for me..

All u guys could ever think is me wasting money. But seriously? U guys... everyone of u changed new phone.. but why when it comes to me it's all about "dont waste money..." blah blah blah..

All u all could ever tell me is always save money save money save money. But did u all ever asked why and what I really wanted? Just like having a DSLR has always been a dream to me. But u guys think that having a phone camera is good enuff. No wrong. Both of us has no wrong at all... no doubt phone camera are getting better and handier nowadays but it's just me u know.. sometime it's just me....

Its same like when I tell u I enjoy reading whilst holding on to a book not my phone to read on kindle app or whatsoever... the theory behind is the same... different people different perspective I know.. but why is it since young till now, there is not even a single things u guys will support/root me on.. not when I say I wanna further study in poly.. not when I say I wanna further study in uni...

我只希望得到你们的赞同与支持，有那么难吗? Is it if I am smarter and richer prolly u guys will view me in another manner?? But we are family aren't we?

Why is it so hard to get affirmation from the ppl when grew up with me...this is why I nvr wanted to shared my stuffs.. u guys simple wont accept me as I am.. as always... lts always me trying to fit in to somewhere I dont fit. Trying to be the good example for the kids.. trying to be the good gal for u guys... in my world, it's always my family but obviously I am not consider a "real" family member to u guys... :(

[shagdreamer]

Pain

Its painful for every breathe I took. But 我忍得住。just hope to leave here... it's extremely lonely to see everyone's family member came except urs.

长大了，有苦自己知..just gonna pretend everything is fine as usual in front of everybody.. the usual me.. I am good. I am all good.. even when it hurt so badly inside.. all is good at least I am gonna get out of here..

[shagdreamer]

只要还有活下去的理由，我决不放弃。最怕是尽了力努力的生存却还是输给了命运。

[shagdreamer]

[shagdreamer]

[shagdreamer]

“I don’t want to live like this, but I don’t want to die.”

— Vampire Weekend, Finger Back (via music-and-quotes)

[shagdreamer]

[shagdreamer]

生日快乐。

Have been hesitating whether I should wish u since last night when the clock strike 12mn.

So eventually I decided to drop u a simple happy birthday. U double ticked but didnt reply and went offline after the double ticked, that when I decided that " ok.. this was a bad idea.." so I deleted the convo. I am so thankful that Telegram has such feature.

今天本来考完试就很不好受了。看见你ignore 我的msg, I felt tat I had made myself damn cheap. Maybe u had long forgotten about me... or is it I forget u hated me because u feel tat i am someone with attitude...或许那祝福你不需要，但我做到了。

当初开口说做buddies的是你，最后真心把你当buddy 的是我。其实你也不是第一个和我说要同我做一辈子buddy 的人。

这几个月，我其实有仔细想了一想。。Lsp, 拖鞋，Jess甚至是你...都说过要陪我到老。或许是我。或许问题真的出现在我。或许是我不懂得珍惜。还是是我衰? Lsp 有 sy 做她的好朋友。 拖鞋有cally..jess 和你互相都有各自的伴侣。我明明无意介入任何三角恋却偏偏还是介入了。

我做不了一个你们要的那种好朋友。我也讨厌我自己为什么做不到。每一段友谊，爱情我都真的很珍惜。就算我嘴上不说，我心里也依旧很在乎。这就是为什么我能喜欢jess那么久的原因。我拿得起，却始终放不下。

I rmb when I admit to liang that I like u.. liang told me its wasnt love. Perhaps its just a short crush... but I knew it clearly I when I say i like u..I really mean it.. even when everyone says the other way...偏偏我又very stubborn,喜欢了就不会随随便便就那么忘记了。如果真的那么容易忘记或放下，那就不是喜欢了。只可惜，你的那句你也喜欢我不是真正的喜欢。我只是你和她argue 时，刚好在你身边floating board..when u reach the shore, who will still rmb the floating board who once accompanied you thru it all?

不过也罢。你没回就表示你已不在乎。这样以后每年的生日，我都放在心里默默的祝福你。

PS: to a certain extent I feel tat pple who read texts but dont reply is super rude. Esp when pple wishing you well. What's so difficult to text back a "thanks"? But den again... maybe I shouldn't be overly concerned about whether u will text back or not...my intention was to wish u... 我完成了我该做的想做的就够了。

[shagdreamer]

“I’m caught in between what I wish and what I know.”

— Lauv, The Other (via books-n-quotes)

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[shagdreamer]

“If you could be anyone, would you choose to be yourself?”

— Naomi Shihab Nye, Habibi (via books-n-quotes)

[shagdreamer]

“I wish that photographs were physical spaces, like tunnels; that you could crawl inside them and go back.”

— Lauren Oliver, Vanishing Girls (via books-n-quotes)