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Excuse my rant, but all of this honest to my faith it's true. All of it. Have major anxiety about being called a hypochondriac because I have done everything in my power on my own to figure out what's going on with me, really, because I tried the system for 5½ years and only accumulated more trauma from doctors be it therapists or psyches just for the last one I had get mad at me for not being able to chemically figure me out and saying I'm not TRYING. This to someone with major anxiety (me) where leaving therapy (community therapy where they just do the same thing that doesn't help and slap another label on it so you keep on trying) actually just had me feeling worse than when I came in with hella anxiety about the next week's appointment and desperately fid not go but continued to try for YEARS - Different places and practitioners even!!

So TELL ME WHY I straight up told psychs about my at the time ongoing familial abuse that had been going on (since I was a child) in therapy (major trouble at home for that one so had to be careful about what I said but kept breaking) AND in institutionalizations!! Yet they DIDN'T EVEN DIAGNOSE ME WITH CPTSD LOLLL

It took them FOUR YEARS to finally diagnose me with PTSD and it was still WRONGGGG

lollllll like wtf it is complex as hell I've literally gave my testimony but they still wouldn't listen! I mentioned several times that I feel like I have several versions of myself and it's chaotic ASF and confusing yet NO ONE EVEN ASKED TO KNOW MORE OR DIG FURTHER! after mentioning it for he third time and last time, I just accepted that I wouldn't get an answer. Years later I self diagnosed with DID because I've straight up experienced a lot of alter activity by now and having friends at different times who knew they had DID I realized holy shit wait though it made me start to think like is this maybe what's going on? So I got myself more informed and took the time to ask openly to my closest confidant about their experience with me and they have experienced so much alter activity that I wasn't aware of and then later would be aware of. I struggled with this for YEARS But would they even hear anything but "oh so this patient isn't diagnosed officially "

And the way doctors push unnecessary meds onto you just trying shit like you're their lab rat cause, um, YOU ARE!

In my experience, I have realized long after the medications weren't working year after years all kind of combinations (oh yeah and they loved to overmedicate so much) I figured out it's not chemistry, it's literally just trauma that's everything that keeps me disabled to this day. So I approached myself holistically and tried meditating. Meditating was the only thing that actually helped me and studying on what I could potentially be dealing with and what would potentially help and going through trial and error. Years later I don't regret leaving. It was the beginning of my true spiritual healing.

Due to this realization and the trauma they gave me by continuously pushing more meds, in mental health institutionalizations in the future I told them my boundaries (yeah, like that mattered to them at all ) about medications told them I have been down that path for years and I refuse. Guess what. They of course kept trying to pressure me to take medicine the entire stay. Multiple times. I told them it's just trauma not chemicals and remained firm.

They couldn't figure out my depression, but guess what?! I, and uncertified, no degree having, not professional FIGURED MY SHIT OUT!!

And I may still be on that journey, but I have healed so much, no matter hoe much healing I have left to do.

Now this is all just the tip of the iceberg but people should hear absolutely from everyone willing to tell their truth, such as I, that institutionalizations made me fear for my very life. They treat you as though you're not forking over 1000/day to stay there fr. They don't like to treat you like you're an actual human being, and the most help you can get is from peer support honestly. They don't like to let you leave and they don't like letting you stay or leave easy. I have experienced extreme bigotry for several reasons such as the color of my skin and being trans.

That's all that I have in me on this subject honestly.

Extremely unpopular opinion but the concept of bodily autonomy needs to FULLY extend to extremely depressed people who are at risk of self-harm. Like, essentially arresting people for it doesn't fucking help, and violates their right to determine their own care. Get people some peer support, therapy, material assistance with daily tasks, get them help that helps. Don't make them walk on eggshells around twitchy medpros who will call the cops on them and throw them in crazy bitch jail for wanting a fucking break.

I'm sick of having to walk on my tiptoes while simultaneously disclosing my trauma to people who could send me off to be further traumatized. Either let me talk or YOU shut the fuck up and don't ASK me about it.

Especially if you aren't my psych or therapist! Sorry, GP's nurse, you don't have my trust. You are some random person I have never seen before. Let it fucking go.

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Self reflecting 🪞

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Haha I would feel like it's an extension of me so I'd never eat it 😭😭😭🤣🤣 but I LOVE this design of locs 💖💖

Did you know Star Fruit grows from vine dreads? Imagine photosynthesizing with your own hair and never having to buy food again.

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10 posts!

I'm happy with this Tumblr but I kind of miss my old one lol

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Anxiety keeps me so afraid sometimes. Today I am facing it head on and doing the thing I've been avoiding. Side note. Ugh waiting at the hospital for 2 hours ain't. It .

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Feeling more confident in the idea of keeping faith but keeping my relationship with God a little more distant. Not at heart, but maybe with communication.... they say don't ask questions that you don't want answers to. I did want an answer - I was just hoping I wouldn't hear what I heard, but sometimes the truth really is just hard to handle. I feel like: so be it. Know? I realize that ai have more peace just accepting what is and still trying my best to make it the best. Feel like I can't afford to sit in a bundle of everything that bothers me anymore. Just cannot.

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Apathy is the word of the day.

Shows approved for children I don't approve of as appropriate material half of the time, I'm dealing with realizing that it all seemed appropriate because nobody cared and I just assumed the adults knew what they were doing and it was all okay but it wasn't and having a kid and seeing all of this ridiculous shit that should have never gotten a green pass just makes me miserable.

God. For my entire life my souls been on this journey of faith and now I've reached a point where I feel like maybe I should just stop. Fucking. Caring. Maybe who cares what God has to say it's not like they're performing miracles like they used to.

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I'm just gonna post this here, since other social medias I feel as though no one cares about what I'm passionate about, like "all" sizing from xxs - 6X !!!! JessaKae !!! Blew me away!!! I know nobody will see this even, but. Idk. Places like Facebook hold no value to me, and I already know no one follows me here so I'm really just doing this for me. Idk.

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Ah, journal

I'm upset today

Today was difficult.

Very very difficult.

Shitty even.

I tried my best. It wasn't the best.

It ended almost nice, but then it got bad again

And then it almost ended nice a second time

And then 🫥🙃

Nope.

I'm tired of hearing I'm sorry

I'm tired of being so emotional

And I'm questioning a little why I'm even doing this a second time, but I know that I'm just not dealing well with a small matter that means a lot to me.

Sometimes feeling like being in a relationship just is too difficult.

But where would I be without it, so.

And in good moments it feels like sunshine

And in bad moments sometimes I'm afraid or just overly exhausted and depressed and angry

And sometimes I don't know why I do it at all!!!

And then I also remember...

I feel

Too much

And I hate

That

So

Much

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What am I doing so wrong

Why can't I just

Like everyone else

Mentally disabled

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I'm so tired.

My whole body aches.

My big adult body still doesn't know how to support itself because it was taught wrong

Now I pay for it physically every day even though I finally escaped them

I'm mentally exhausted

Spiritually perturbed existentially yet again

I don't know how to bring it together

I don't know how to cope rn

Mentally I'm sliding

I feel like I'm failing even when I succeed

I feel like I succeed when I'm about to really fail

And its

All

So

Terrible

Except their smile. Except their love.

And I wish it was enough for the whole day and the whole night

But I'm troubled

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Today has been so difficult.

It's hard being a little mom.

It's hard being a survivor.

It's so difficult.

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Mom guilt is the worst! Be strong;

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What a sleepy day

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