sexycactuses

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IG : @emperorofmischief

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so true

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however annoyed by an elden ring boss you are, remember, they're more annoyed by you. you're a lord or god or something, 15ft tall because you're a legend, hanging out behind your Fog Wall and some goddamn little duende saunters in with 5 different glowing effects around her. she rings a stupid little gnome bell and summons the ghost of some other weird cryptid. she hits you, ok not much damage, no problem. you hit her and she seems about halfway dead. she has a little sippy of her Duende Juicebox. She has precognition of how you move so she dodges 12 swipes in a row. you finally hit her again, this time hard. she takes a little sippy of her Duende Juicebox. she's Rudely stubbing your toe this whole time because she can't reach any higher than your shin. she seems to only know like 2 moves. you completely lose track of how many Sippies of her Duende Juicebox she takes after her seventh. as you tire, she seems cheerful and full of energy, ever sipping on her goddamn Duende Juicebox. you finally kill her. she enters through the fog again. this continues forever until you die

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The real reason your sapient dragon character needs a "rider":

Dragons on the wing are vulnerable to being mobbed by smaller, more agile flyers, particularly in your large rear blind spot, like a bird of prey being mobbed by crows. Having a human armed with a long spear perched on your back helps to dissuade anyone from getting any funny ideas.

Breath weapons are impressive enough on the ground, but in flight they're really only good for strafing stationary targets; trying to use your breath weapon in an aerial dogfight is a good way to get fire up your nose. A real fight calls for sterner measures – and, concomitantly, a crew to aim and reload the cannons.

In today's competitive world, it's not enough to devour a flock of sheep and call it a day if you want to keep your edge. You're accompanied at all times by a qualified personal alchemist tasked with carefully regulating your internal furnace to ensure peak performance, and sometimes you even listen to them.

No dragon of any quality would be caught dead without their valet. It's not as though you can announce your numerous long-winded titles yourself when introductions are called for, can you? You suppose next you'll be expected to pick up the spoils of your conquests yourself, like a common brigand. Perish the thought!

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i think a lot of liberals need to confront the fact that they don’t actually believe everyone should have basic human rights. a homeless person could call me every slur under the sun and i would still want them to have housing, food, etc. the belief that everyone is entitled to basic human rights should not hinge on whether you “like” someone or not. at that point the entire ideology crumbles.

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First off, click here.

The wheel just assigned you one of the Worldwide Box Office Winners from the past 35 years. (No 2024 because we don't know that winner, yet.)

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WELCOME TO STOAT SATURDAY

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booty shorts that say “PEOPLE LIKE CERTAINTY MORE THAN THEY LIKE HOPE; THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT PESSIMISM IS WISE” on the ass

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He has orange in him

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some notable catchphrases of 2013:

bitch I might be

do she got the booty ? she doooooooooo ! 

swiggity swag

the D

wen u mom com home and make hte spagehti

“ hello______, im dad “ 

AYYY LMAO

W R I T I N G  I N T E N S E  W O R D S  L I K E  T H I S 

 perfect _____ don’t exis-

And now, the weather

at least 2 potato

we’ve come full circle ! 

life hack :

[ __________ INTENSIFIES]

so many

such doge. much wow. very smile. 

mahogany 

*sweats nervously*

same. 

spooper hot choclety milk

#SHERLOCKLIVES

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heye every one.

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My painting, "Cat in Boat Pose."

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when i was a kid i used to pray to god every night that he would “create an invisible hole somewhere”. to me an “invisible hole” was a deep pit that would look like regular ground until you stepped on it, at which point you would presumably fall to your death - an illusory floor. it was very important to me that it was just at some random location, because it had to trap a person i didn’t know and would never meet, though in my attempt to actualize my prayer through whatever focus my 4 year old brain could muster up i did start to imagine the future victim’s face as they met their sudden demise. i was not motivated by any potential personal gain, i simply wanted to test god’s power.

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There's an open pit in the middle of our office plan that drops down into a bunch of very sharp spikes that kill you instantly. This is bad. People keep falling in there and dying. Someone put a sign up, the other day, all bright yellow so you can't miss it, that says "Beware!!! Spikes!!!"

The office immediately split into two factions over it. One says that if anyone falls in the spike pit it's their own fault for being so stupid and not watching where they're walking, so we should remove the sign. The other says that the sign is an insult, there shouldn't be a spike pit in our office at all, and having the sign up like that is just normalising the existence of the spike pit, so we should remove the sign.

We ended up removing the sign. Probably for the better. Still... for a while there it looked like it might have worked...