severelyclassyqueen-blog

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I hope that in spite everything, you still believe that at the end of the day love is the most important thing. Whatever, whoever or wherever it is, I hope you find it.

Juansen Dizon (via remanence-of-love)

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You have loved too much and have not been loved enough.

N.M.Sanchez, from Initial Meeting (via wnq-writers)

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so true! exactly how I’ve felt for years now... glad it’s finally over

” Isn’t sad when you spend months and sometimes even years on loving someone who could never love you back the same? Isn’t it sad that even though you’re completly aware of it, you’ll still stay. You’ll stay and pretend that they love you as much as you love them because being with them without them loving you sounds a lot more better than being without them at all. ”

- they say love is blind guess they’re right

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http://iglovequotes.net/

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Happened for a reason

I’ve come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. Most people would assume that I would be bitter or angry because of what happened; however, that’s not the case. When everything ended, it was a release. A sense of relief that I had honestly never felt before. The fact that I just lost the guy I thought I would end up with didn’t sadden me, it didn’t even hurt to lose him. Which at that point I realized I stayed because of how much I was truly scared of him, not because I loved him. 

As the days go by I become more and more myself again as I try to walk through this thing called life. Sometimes I break down for no reason other than I hear a song that brings back a flood of emotions from a happier time or even an awful time. For example, the other day I was in the car and “Rude” came on, I started singing then almost immediately bawled my eyes out driving down the road. I thought to myself “What the actual F**K?” like really? Then I thought back to went Bryan and I use to sing it and make a joke about how we’d get married even though no one liked him. Fact is, no one really understands what goes on behind the scenes in a relationship. He was the best guy to me and the worst. 

There was never a day that went by that we didn’t argue or fight. Now let that sink in, almost four years with this man and there was not a day to go by when we didn’t have an argument, a fight, or an all out brawl. I was so blinded that I guess I didn’t want to believe what everyone was telling me. Once I actually realized that things were not going to change(about two years in) I tried to get out. That’s when things actually started to get worse. 

He had total control over my head and he knew it. I was doing and saying things that were not me, but if I didn’t do them it made things worse for me. Honestly, after I got past the point of caring about this person it got to the worst it had ever been. He knew I did not want to be there anymore, but he also knew that he could do what he wanted cause I was terrified. It got to the point where I was scared to come home, scared to speak, scared to walk the wrong way. Nothing I did was good enough and nothing would ever be good enough.

Now I realize that what he was doing was breaking me down so I would not leave. So that I believed he was the only one that would ever want me. And I did believe that... I got so knocked down to the point I thought taking my life was the answer. When I finally sought help( because no one knew, no one had any idea what was going on behind closed doors) it was like a switch flipped. I had someone lifting me up at work and telling me I was worth more than the situation I was in. And that is hat finally stuck with me “know your worth” she would say every morning. She stayed by my side every single day reminding me of that until I had the strength to leave. She didn’t know how much she actually saved me and still doesn’t. She saved my life and I thank God everyday for putting this amazing person in my life to give me hope when I had none.

God knew what he was doing when he put me through this situation. He knew I would come out of it stronger than ever. No, I’m not whole again by any means, but I’m on my way. And he put this amazing group of ladies in my work life that encourage and push me daily to experience things to better my life!

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random thought

I use to wonder if I would ever be able to move on from Bryan. He made me feel like no one would ever want me after him because of the things he was doing mentally and physically to me, He use to tell me that I was fat and ugly and that I could never make anyone happy or satisfy anyone, Well honestly I have always had self-confidence issues and he just realized that and capitalized on it. For instance, we start fighting about where we were gonna get money or food or gas it always came back to the fact that I was lazy and a fatass. 

What am I suppose to think about myself when all I am being fed is negativity... it alters the way we think, Now I’m not saying he was the sole contributor to all this negativity by any means, but he was the catalyst that set my mind into a downward spiral. See since I was young my mother believed that I was always not small enough or not pretty enough�� or I didn’t play the right sports or this and that. She was this amazing beautiful all-star in high school and I was a band nerd(and proud of it). Nothing that I did made her happy, but until recently I hadn’t realized that’s never going to change, She has her golden child, but it is okay that I’m not her top priority.The only thing that bothers me about that situation anymore is that my youngest brother feels like she hates him. To me that is the sad part, she doesn’t even realize what she is doing and if and when she does it will be way too late for mine and her relationship or her and my little brothers. But, I digress, All through my younger years she would make comments about my weight or what I was wearing, it’s one thing to help someone and one thing to belittle them and make them feel worthless. 

Even now, when I’m away from Bryan and his negativity I still get the same condescending attitude from the people closest to me. No one understands what that does to the mind, mine especially, part of that is my fault though I guess if i were to let them in a little about the last few years they’d ease up, but then I think would it only make it worse? 

Side note: the fact that I can say his name and not have a mental breakdown now is a huge step. For the last few months anytime I said his name or someone else mentioned it I broke down, Not because I miss the relationship, but because I know I am strong enough to love again.  

I am writing this to simply say, for once in years I am blissfully happy. No,  mentally and physically I am not where I want to be, but I have the drive to make it happen. I am starting to accept the fact that I cannot change people or make them who I want them to be.  

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The bay’s Queer Queen Kehlani and lesbian Jesus Hayley Kiyoko finally answer prayers with a “What I Need” music video off Hayley’s “Expectations” album. They’ve been teasing the video on twitter and the buzz has been sending their followers into a frenzy and rightfully so. The chemistry between the two is radiating from the mini-episodic adventure of a modern-day Thelma and Louise-esque story. As captured in the scene where Kehlani willingly gets in the car with the creepy man, purely seeking help for her broken car, I worried she’d face the same fate as Thelma and be a victim of rape. It had me shaking my head. “Men ain’t shit”. Despite not seeing what transpires we can conclude Kehlani escapes the situation before anything happens because “the car is a mile down the road” and Kehlani ends up running back to Hayley. I appreciate that this rendition of Thelma and Louise also doesn’t take the fatalistic approach of a queer relationship where the couple is on the run from the law and concludes the only way out of their predicament is suicide.

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Stop bullying ✋🏻 repost if you agree

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the Beginning

In a month it will be four years since I met the man that at one point I thought I would spend the rest of my life with; only to realize my life would truly never be thee same, but not in the way that I had hoped. 

Honestly, I fell and I fell hard. Only now do I know though that I fell so hard because he was the first person that showed me they cared and made me feel wanted; but my eyes were so closed then. Anyways, the day I went to his house I expected to meet a cool guy and possibly hookup, but nothing prepared me for what actually happened. He broke through my walls so fast because, later I learned, he had done this before. He knew how to get in my head and make me feel extremely comfortable. Comfortable enough to tell him anything he wanted to know and give him whatever he wanted the day we met. I gave him the power to basically do and say whatever he wanted to.

I should have seen the signs, I mean it’s foreshadowing like any good book. Love is blind though and I thought I was completely head over heels for him. One of the first times I should have walked away was when I fell asleep, maybe a week into us dating. I had just gotten home from spending the day with him at his house in Dogtown. I dropped him off at a friends house and headed back to Harstelle, when I got home we were texting and I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up he had called like twenty something times and texted me close to fifty times, I freaked out and called him when I woke up and he was cussing at me and screaming saying that I had cheated on him with someone. I cryed and begged and begged for him to forgive me and well let’s just say he forgave me for the moment, but I payed for that night until the day we broke up. 

Basically, my heart was in total control of me. I feel like if I had not been so in the moment maybe I would have been able to see , but then I remember all the times even from the very beginning when my family or friends said it wasn’t right and I never faltered from my beliefs so I know nothing would have changed. I don’t regret anything that happened to me, It has made me stronger; I just wish it hadn’t come at such an expense. Everyday I wonder if he’ll come around or if it will happen again not by him, but by someone else. I live in a state of constant fear, a battle in my head, trying not to push people away but nothing seems to help. 

My thoughts are kinda all over the place and I am slowly going to try to put them into words and unscramble them all. I’m not sure if it will help, but I am willing to try anything at this point to build myself back up. To gain a love for myself, and get a better understanding of how to be the strong person I know I am. 

#selflove #endtheabuse #storytime #moretocome