settledinstars

[settledinstars]

“I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.”

— Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

[settledinstars]

My father’s mother always called us dumb, idiots, jerks. I wrote about it thirty years too late.

I taught myself how to tie shoes.

Sitting on the coarse white carpet,

Free of the red wine stains that were to come.

I asked for help, for guidance, as she took another sip.

Pleads left unanswered to soil at the bottom of the bottle.

I taught myself how to tie shoes so she could get off the couch.

I taught myself how to tie shoes because I was seven years old, showing you I was not stupid.

[settledinstars]

Lighthouse by Katie Maria

[settledinstars]

[settledinstars]

Your soul stained my shoulders. My whole life smells like you. This will take time, undoing you from my blood.

Nayyirah Waheed

[settledinstars]

[settledinstars]

To the girl I don’t remember being

The years faded into days

Before I realized what took me over

I’ll hold you close, tender girl

Through sleepless nights and painful withdrawals

To the money spent that wasn’t mine to waste

All the racing thoughts and nose bleeds

I’ll hold you close, sweet girl

You make it to the other side

And I am so proud of you.

[settledinstars]

Loving an addict is a lot of things.

I can’t look at him and tell him what he’s doing is tearing me up inside. I cannot handle the guilty sad look on his face. This is not something he WANTS. This is something that challenges him every minute of every day. There is a monster living inside of him…not in a costume, no, he’s still him. He’s still his body and soul working so hard to keep the monster at bay, deeply under his skin, belonging to the darkness. I can’t tell anyone how this makes me feel. He can’t go to anyone else about this either. Do two shitty situations make a good situation? No. But it grounds me. It grounds me to him. Us. Each other. Something that is completely mine and no one else’s. No matter what, who, out of love or anger or sadness or both, they can’t help but express concern and opinion. There’s no room for that on my table right now. A table for two.

[settledinstars]

I relapsed.

I let you in again.

You and your poisonous words.

Your toxins and lies.

This time, though,

Your words were masked,

Placed in a pretty little box;

Apologies filled with hopes and dreams.

I relapsed and you filled my veins

Full of your darkness.

[settledinstars]

[settledinstars]

Clarice Lispector, from "As Fast As I Can Type", Too Much of Life: The Complete Crônicas (tr. by Margaret Jull Costa and Robin Patterson)

[settledinstars]

“The winter though it darkens me, it is pure and clean and all I want.”

// Laura Marling, Darkness Descends.

[settledinstars]

// Nitya prakash

// Richard siken, Crush [parallels]

[settledinstars]

[settledinstars]

At a young age, I learned to never trust a man.

The loud ones, the liars.

The gaslighters and manipulators.

Before a boy ever broke my heart, my father did.

Picking the bottle and pills over his daughters.

Coming in and out of life like a bad habit.

Almost 30 years later, a handful of heartbreaks.

You taught me the best.

[settledinstars]

Pom poms

[settledinstars]

It wasn’t when my childhood dog died

Or when my father left us

Or how the first boy I loved didn’t love me back

It wasn’t when my cousin tried to end his life

Or when I couldn’t share my sad thoughts cause he already did and my family couldn’t take much more.

It was when you first kissed me

That I realized how cruel the world really is.

How could the universe give me something so wonderful, so gentle and loving

Just to take it away when life expires