serpentiana

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Margaret Atwood

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if you live with chronic pain you are the baddest bitch on earth. literally badass as fuck. also you are cool and mysterious and everyone thinks ur sexy. every day u wake up in pain u wake up hotter and cooler than the day before. trust me thats how it works.

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Me trying to act like I haven't ghosted this platform because I've been binging and gained 5 pounds back

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— Ernest Hemingway, from The Complete Works; "The Old Man and the Sea,"

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— Virginia Woolf, from “Carlyle’s House and Other Sketches.”

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⚠️ TW ed & suic*de talk

It includes just a faceless photo of me, the tw is for the text underneath.

I screenshotted myself in this video bc this is straight motivation for me, this was me last May working at a Galleria which is the 2nd time I went back to orthorexia. Truly an experience to shape shift all extremes of weight.

It's not a fun time. Because I thought I was getting better after my breakup relatively fast, the thoughts stopped, probably for the first time in my entire life. But then I moved back home for college, and it's clear that I've relapsed on multiple behaviors. I was on my own for half a year, the 3rd time in my life, and I did all I could not to go back home - to make it on my own. A life that my parents could only see me at my best. So they could enjoy their years without me stressing them out anymore..

My parents are old fashioned. They don't realize what they say, do, or their lifestyle affects my recovery. And it's starting to agonize me that I'm so affected by my own parents. I feel like an ungrateful brat. I really am thankful for what I have. I didn't always have things and I didn't have a home for a while. They love me. Even if it hurts me, it's really my fault. I'm a perfectionist with all things and most of the time it's never enough.

My weight will never be enough. I feel so alone. My 5 year relationship has been over since last March. The survival mode in me is starting to cease and the thoughts are getting louder. I haven't eaten more than 1,000 calories total in 5 days. And I haven't stayed in the positive, the net stays zero. I quit smoking weed, I quit habits, and I stopped letting people take advantage of me. I embraced the discomfort of being alone with having 0 friends or relationships holding me back from being happy.

..sometimes I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. I've seen success and done my best and fallen and did it again. When you go through this process you end up realizing how tired you really are. And the suicidal thoughts come back without a plan but rather an impulse. I just feel in my gut one more devastation, one more physical/verbal abuse event, or loss - I'll lose the ability to control myself and do it.

I didn't know there was ever a gun in my reach and I wish I never found out. I got a taste of what it was like to be fulfilled and happy, even when I lost everything last year. Now it's like a dream that I ever had a mind that forgot about calories and purging and starving and trauma memories.

I remember going on a hike by myself one of those days and stopping just to look up at the trees.. I thanked God for keeping me alive... In that moment I forgot what it felt like to have suffered through my suicidal voices. Tears just filled my eyes and instead of falling they remained still. I was happy.

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good morning to all u insecure, food-obsessed, sad, angry, traumatised, tired, unmotivated, anxious, lonely, self destructive and beautiful people who follow me. ily ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

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Barnard Bulletin, New York, November 22, 1938

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explain your gender in 10 words or less without using boring words like “male”, “female”, “nonbinary”, “masculine”, “feminine” or “androgynous”.

go!