seriesofcostumes-blog

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Monday 19th November

Mood: tired and have bad cramps.

It's been awhile huh. I didn’t have much going on for me and I also didn’t have much to say or update you on. In the span of three weeks, I have not done much. But instead of looking at big accomplishments, I started acknowledging my tiny victories.

- I finally wrote a letter for B, and have made a start on the second. Topic: My unaddressed, unwanted opinions on wants and needs. - Applied for x - Picked out papers for next year - Gone out at least once a week - Still applying for jobs. - Drink at least two bottles of water a day

Things I want to do before summer school starts: - have a water balloon fight - go on a picnic - go to the beach - go somewhere I haven't been before - have a goofy dance sesh, goofy day - Finish at least 3 modules - go to the gardens or somewhere green.

I met his friends and saw him play netball with them. On a completely unbiased note, I did think that he was the best player. I even saw the dad next to me- who was supporting the opposing team- cheer him on constantly. I was very impressed. He would throw the ball a little in front of the member so that they can run in to it, he would catch the ball making sure his feet are apart; allowing more ground for space for his next step, he would throw from the chest cause that’s where the power comes from and he looked really good whilst doing it. It made me want to join something or play. I’ve brought it up with my friends but ones never keen on any of my ideas despite me always being the one suggesting everything we do and the other is understandable. I really like this group, although I don’t think I showed that. I didn’t feel awkward, I had just built up my anxiety beforehand, oops. I felt bad that I didn’t get to meet Mike, I was looking forward to it, I was ready to be a shy bubble of giggles *throws fist in the air* They're a good bunch. I think I don’t show how appreciative I am for this boy truly.

I told him about my periodical theatrical thoughts about dying. I think I’ve pushed him away or perhaps made him feel cautious around me. I know that I didn’t word anything correctly, but I didn’t know how to correct myself at the moment. So I did what I do best. I kept talking and rambling around the topic which should have not been the discussion. I saw him raise his brows and close his eyes- for a moment I thought from irritation, but I knew it was all too much. I don't think I’ve had thoughts of suicide, they are more say thoughts of “what if I died at this moment.” Which is too often followed by “will I be happy with the things I’ve done in life?” I’d like to think that I’ve somewhat figured it out or at least where it links back to. My decisions, my accomplishment or lack thereof, and my constant worry about not being and doing enough to be acknowledged or recognized. I sometimes wonder, if I died, who would care, have I made my parents proud with whatever I’ve done, am I a good daughter, sister, friend, and lover. All these what-ifs keep me consumed that I forget to seize the moment. I am trying to do that.

I need to stop being so cranky with my family. I feel bad only after I am causing at the moment it doesn't feel like much. I forget the uncountable things they’ve done for me and I’m here moaning about being tired. I’m also very excited about Christmas. It is the only time where we all finally for a while sit together with no other distractions. I’ve started my shopping. I can’t wait to bring the tree out. Yes, I am that person. I don't know what it is, but I love it. I love shitty Christmas movies and I love how everyone avoids all societal rules and eats whatever and whenever. I’m sooo excited to see him during this period as well. He’s amazing. My family is as great as any other family and I’m great. I’m happy.  I just get sad because I’m so pressured to get a job but I can’t. Not because I’m not trying but because despite trying, I’m still not getting any feedback. It makes me sad because my family doesn't know that I’m trying. They think that all I do is eat and lazy off all day but little do they know, I wake up every single morning and check all job apps and my emails. I envy anyone younger than me with a job. I’m kind of scared by the idea of never being able to get one. BUT, at least I haven’t given up yet. I think this is the slump that's letting me down, and it makes me even sad knowing that the important people in my life are providing their loved ones through their jobs and I just want to replicate that. But I get that everything will come at its time and I have now started to accept that it won't be easy. I won't take it out on others accomplishments. Everyone has their own priorities and I completely understand that.

I’m happy and will seize the moment. I will worry less. I will enjoy what I have and love the people I’m surrounded by. I will cherish the moments I get with those I love and I will try making this life worthwhile. I will try my best to show this to others through my stone cold resting bitch face hehe.

I love you my lovely jellybeans.

I’ve also decided to now end my posts with a happy memory. I watched the movie to all the boys I’ve loved before and I couldn’t help but think back to when my friend and I used to write. (Also, don’t attack me for being so late to watch this). B and I would spend the entire lunch breaks talking about some romance book we finished reading, very cliche, stomach sick lovey-dovey books. We would love anything remotely close to a ‘handwritten’ piece. If anyone in class would draw my name fancily on a paper, I would keep it. If someone made anything for me, I will keep it. I think its endearing and it just... It’s just heartwarming. Happy memory linking to this are the letters B and I would exchange. Every year on each others birthdays, and friendaverssary we would write long letters to each other. Very cringe. It included long memories, mini-stories, things we liked about each other, drama we went through together, millions of different nicknames we had for each other and how thankful we were for each other.

I’m a sucker for letters and anything DIY. So if there are any guys or girls, any DIY youtube channels that want to make, draw, or write anything to me then please do. I will cry. I will cherish and keep those forever.

// I also felt shit after posting most of my posts but today I’m very normal. No ounce of sadness is hitting me. I’m content. I’ve got the people I want/need in my life with me, supporting me. 

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Tuesday 16th October

mood: -- 

I just feel uncomfortable and wrong. Like I can’t get into anything I enjoy or like because, after I do try something, then my head just tells me “no, this, isn't it. I wanna do something but I don't know what it is.” I am a mixture of black and white, sweet and sour or the sun and the moon. What I’m trying to say is that I am happy and sad. I don’t really understand any of this either, all the comments, words, feelings, emotions, thoughts, - what do they mean? Am I just making something out of nothing? I feel like everything I do, say, or think contradicts itself and I’m in this loop of figuring out and understanding what the fuck it means. 

I can’t stand to be myself. Does that make sense? I think it does to me. I could be anywhere and I would get hit by a wave of self-hatred, my voice, the position I’m sitting or doing whatever in. I start hating my body, face, everything, every inch. Then I become self-aware of everything. I want to take myself away from myself. 

You would think that because I can’t find the good in myself, I don’t know how to see it in others, or don’t know how to love others. When I’m with others, I can’t help but to only see the best in them. They could do the tiniest thing and I will be filled with pride and so much love. I don’t feel jealous though- sometimes I do envy them. 

To those dearest to my heart: - excluding my fam bam cause that’s another story. 

Best friend: I can bet you a million dollars that you will find the most charming and loyal guy. I do not have this type of money but this is how certain I am about it. I can’t comprehend the comments you make about yourself sometimes- “I don’t look nice at all” “I look ugly”- You are honestly the most beautiful girl I know. And if you don't believe me then ask my family cause they're fans of you too. I hope you know how much I love you. I think the day we went mini golfing was a great day, despite it being the two of us and considering we didn’t talk much whilst playing. It felt hella peaceful. Like home. You were my comfort and I was yours. We don't see each other much and I think that when we do then we can sigh, sit back, kick our feet up and do nothing whilst staring into nothingness. 

Homegirl: Sometimes I don't like putting myself around you. I worry that my thoughts will impact and manipulate yours. I hope you try out the things which you truly want to do and excel in. I cannot be more proud and happy for you for deciding to take this turn. I think you're the most selfless person I know. A bit too selfless. Your most pleasing and disheartening quality. I think this gets the best of you. I cannot list the number of things you've done for others when you didn't need to- but you did, and that makes you, you. I wish you the best for the future as you make the most in the present. I’ll start on the letters soon, it's all currently sitting in my laptop case but idk how to make a start.

king introvert the second: I saved you for the last. Like how you take my breath away as if its the last, but just as the breath disappears, it invades my lungs, making itself at home. Knowing me I would've made a lame home invasion joke by now, ha! I love you. I can still feel the rapid heartbeat against my ribcage from when I first said it. Every time I spend with you seems much better than the previous and I cannot tell you how happy you make me. I admire you and your soul. I pride in myself too much about you and speak too highly of you. Just like you do about your friends, or how you tell me about a moment you cannot help but to smile and laugh at or a night which made you so happy you can’t forget. Most times I wonder if I’ve ever made you feel like that or if I’ve ever done something which you think back to happily. I think I keep things too bottled with you and when my thoughts get the best of me, I become a downer/ quiet or randomly tear up. The thing is, I don't know how to explain it to you cause I don't understand it myself. You may ask me endless times what you can do to make me feel better but I wouldn't have the right answer for you. Just hold me cause even when I can’t easily erase my chain of thoughts. Just tell me that things will be fine, that you do actually like me, that I make you happy and endless crappy things which you don't like but I need. Cause in the moment, my brains telling me that I don’t. That I don't deserve the man next to me, that he would be better off with someone with more stability and quality, that he deserves to be doing anything else but to spend time with me. I feel like I’m not enough. If only I was a bit slimmer, if only I was a bit more intelligent or athletic, if only I was more socially comfortable to be around. But okay hear me out, I’m content, happy, comfortable with you and everything is fine but at times, my mind gets the best of me. I could be having the time of my life whilst watching HP but then my mind would do the thing. The casual “hey I think things are a bit too good right now, Is he happy? Does he still wanna watch it? Maybe you're too fat and crushing him? Maybe you're making him feel like a hostage watching this when he could be doing something much more entertaining.” Or when I say that it been quite a while since I last saw you but you don't have that recollection like me, cause to you it doesn't seem too long ago but to me it does. I feel like you play an important part in my life and so when I’m not with you, I barely have anything going on besides uni and home. Heck, I don't even see my friends for three days a week but I understand. You have commitments and work which is completely normal and I honestly understand. But it kinda pricks cause I do miss you (this may be now my clingy side- or is it needy?) - but this takes a 180 and makes me think that I shouldn't be feeling like this. That you shouldn't be making me feel vulnerable or miss you cause with that I’m just becoming needier and pushing you away. Whatever it is, I’m okay. I just don't want to feel like a burden to you cause I honestly do appreciate everything that you do for me. By the way, I agree with you, I don't know what I would like to hear or even say but I think it’d be something if we try to open about it more. Just hear each other out. No comments or criticism. Be each other's human diaries and if that's too much then we can take it slower. I hope you know that even I’m new to this but I would like to know the you which you've been concealing to yourself. I love you. This feeling hit me today as you were in your one hour slumber. Your lips do this little pout kiss thing a lot. You felt bad for knocking out but I was completely fine with it. I understand. But one hour is a long time to think over things. But you know what? Everything felt fine as soon as I would look over to you- sleeping away blissfully on my semi-numb arm. You gave me peace. Not because of the silence in the room or air. But from your presence. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, as if I’m picking at flaws or calling you out cause I’m not. You make me so happy but I think I just need to work on myself for us.

P.s I don't like the chainsmokers, drakes fine. Sadly I’m not a business major. I’m an Arts student who enjoys the rain and only being in it depending on the location and with whom. I don't really have a favorite artist but if you were asking me 5 years ago then I would've jumped at your throat chanting one direction.

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Friday 5th October

Mood: fkn shit, let's hope no one walks in cause it looks like a massacre, on my face.

I think this is the biggest break I’ve had in months. I’m just a shitty person, I don't know how to help people, and am so selfish. Tonight has been the worst night this whole year. I can’t remember the last time it was this bad. 

I’m not okay. I try really hard to be. Whatever I’ve got going on inside is so silent. The turmoil, anxiety, self-doubt, everything. Eleanor, you wouldn't even notice a single bit of change on the outside. I might become quieter or more distant but then you won't notice a thing in an hour. I’ll become my usual, quirky and random self. You would think “oh maybe she’s over whatever it was.” But I’m honestly so stressed that I can’t even manage simple tasks. My family and relatives probably know me as the laziest person when in reality I’m just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by every fucking thing. I can’t do anything right.

The thing is I don't even know what my problem is. I’m fucking disgusting and incapable of anything. I’ll never be anyone's number one or first priority. I’ve been exposed of bias my whole life from friends and family so I don’t expect it from others. But sometimes it felt nice to fantasize. However, fantasies aren’t real. And that's the truth lol

I’m so unattractive. I know that people have at least one thing that they love about themselves but I don’t think I do. Whenever someone would ask me what I like about myself I would say something different to anyone. I don’t really have a real answer or decline the question in hopes of not looking or sounding like an attention seeking bitch. I am disgusting. I don't like my body. One half of my face droops so its basically another level of asymmetrical. my double jointed fingers are gross, my teeth and mouth are disgusting. My hair is so thin. My forehead has its own forehead. My voice sounds like I’m about to cry and swallowed a toad. I have stretch marks practically everywhere- you name a spot and you got it lol. I’m so hairy, soo hairy. My back is another level of disgusting because of acne, scars, and spots. My love handles are pretty much love bags at this point. My inner thighs are basically charcoal from the friction. My belly has so many folds. I don’t remember the last time I took a proper selfie cause I feel weird smiling. My pics are basically catfish. I don’t like the moles and beauty marks on my face, I don’t like the birthmark I have on my toe- I will never take my socks off. My palms are 24/7 sweaty. I hate my nipples and my saggy tits. I hate my arms and its shape. I have so many chins. I’m disgusting.

You know they say that whichever body part you notice the most on another one, that's the body part you notice most on yourself or are the most insecure about. I think I notice everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve been like this my whole life lol. I think I used to like my lips, but then I realized that I should keep them shut considering what they’re hiding and also my voice, bleh. I like my eyebrows I think, on days the ladies don’t fuck it up.

The only thing I’m good at is eating. I’ve been told this my entire life lol and its true. I’m good at eating and wasting money. I have no social life. I feel like I make the first move most of the times, I feel like no one will talk to me if I dont send them threads of annoying messages but oh well. Omg, I have no life. Despite having no social life, you would expect me to be good at uni but no. I don’t study. I’m exhausted all the time from doing nothing. I feel dead whilst living. I only have two friends, one of I don’t even get to see as often anymore. I don't even know if I’ll make it to getting a degree. I’m just a disappointment. I most of the time am convinced that no one will ever truly like me. I’m quite pathetic if you haven't noticed. Writing this has been so much easier than writing any ordinary post or assignment- which I should be doing, considering I have one due in two days. My social anxiety is bleh so I can’t even do interviews, but I try to convince myself that maybe I’ll grow out of it cause I’m in this phase of my life. I feel like everyone I know in my life is moving forward and doing things while I'm just here. Sitting. Unmotivated to do uni, incapable of being loved, unworthy of the things my family gets for me cause I can’t get them anything in return. I could tell how disappointed they were when I told them that I dropped Law. imagine how disappointed they'll be when they find out that I can’t do anything else. I’m not good enough for anyone lol and that’s okay cause I know that. I’m just a fat fuck who doesn’t know how to do anything. Because of this, I feel so lonely despite being surrounded by so many people.

I have no hobbies, I don't even write anymore- I’m not even good at it so there's no hope with that. I don’t know how to drive even though I want to learn how to, I’ve called the lady but shes always fully booked whenever I’m free.

I’m just really overwhelmingly fucking sad about how I don’t deserve anything or anyone and how I’m incapable of anything and anyone. I just wanna do nothing but the thought of doing nothing numbs my mind. I don’t want to tell this to anyone cause they’ll worry and I’m not worth being worried about. I don’t want to be a burden. I’m just so fucking sad.

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Thursday 4th October

Mood: good but meh

I don’t have much to say but today was a great day compared to the other Uni focused days. I have two assignments due next week which are both not close to completion so meh. I’ll try my best but it hasn't hit me yet that the due dates are so close.

Today was great, we are back on the Harry Potter train (movie 6), haha train, or should I say the Hogwarts express? Ba-dum-tss. We chilled in bed, had some cuddles, took a nap together, and chilled. It’s memorable I guess. My man then made some fries, ah, just the way to a girls heart. We also tried the new Whittakers ice cream- caramel to be exact- it was nice. I’m not sure if I loved it or not, was it worth the hype? I don’t know. But days like this are perfect.

I adore my mans mum. She’s so cute. She says that I smell nice most of the time and honestly I think that's my only talent. I’m totally watching his 5th birthday video with her sometime or maybe borrow a horror movie ay babe hahaha!

I’ve topped up my hop card, tried making a new plan for the assignment and that’s about it. I’ll try finding some killa references tonight. I also bought myself a book cause why not, not usually what I read, but I figured I might as well give it a go. Plus it was cheap. Alsoooo, I haven't read in months and need to get back on the grind. Life would be so bland without books.

I’ve just been having a convo with my boy, on topic, I go and check my exam timetable and fk me. I have two back to back papers in the first week of exams. Okay not too bad, at least I’ll finish early right? But that also means that it's approaching hella quick and I need to get my shit together, sigh.

I actually can not wait for summer school, I’ll be out of the house and will feel fresher(?) At least I won’t be cooped up inside. I have 13 more days of being vegan (17 days done so far), and I can’t wait till I can have chicken again. Not because I’m dying for it, but because I’m bored with vegan meals. The choices are also always so limited when going out or at Uni.

This is a short update, meh, I’m gonna go waste my time now. I might come back to add things, or maybe not, we’ll see. 

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Monday 1st October

Current mood: lazy, unmotivated, sleepy

This one's for you buttocks

He continues to surprise me. The evening of the 28th we went somewhere different. We drove a little away from the main city, towards a seaside suburb. Hand in hand, we stumbled into the 1950′s themed diner and I felt like I was in a sitcom. I’m talking real jukebox, rock n roll, bright colours and checkered floors American.

His hands, soft and delicate yet firm, the warm extremities that has the power to make me feel safe and desired at once. His hands acquainted with the root beer float as was mine with the lemonade bottle. He tells me his love for root beer floats and I can’t help but stare as he moves the straw to the side and ducks his head down to suck the bubbles of fizz that were sitting on the top of the drink.

I look at my lemonade and move to the right of me all whilst wondering why he even is with me? I’m a lemonade. Not really an exciting flavour and can leave a sour aftertaste for some.

He nibbled on his wings and I watch him, not creepily of course. I don’t want to leave the impression that I will ravish him and leave him out for the wolves. I’d like to think that I was watching him with endearment and love. Ugh, so cheesy N.

I remember what homegirl once said as he nibbles on his straw, sucks on the fizz, and licks the sauce off his lips. She is right. He does have a youthful glow to him.

Fast forward a bit and now we're standing on the pavement, hand in hand, having a deep discussion about food babies. I tell him about how weird we are as we both stand there staring out into the ocean, rubbing our bellies. His infectious laugh, happiness embodied blankets around me like a shield. We stood there talking about anything and everything to nothing. Silent moments were taken by passing thoughts.

I point towards the pink, yellow and purple bruised sky and tell him how fond I am of the colours, only because it reminded me of paddle pop. The water was gleaming in the last rays of the sun. His face aglow with the rays and his lips, his lips hold a semblance of a smile. Whatever his thoughts may be, whatever he might have been feeling, I think he was enjoying the view as much as I was.

I tell him about how I like different parts of him and he stops me, maybe because he doesn't like being the topic of the conversation or the attention. He has a slight little dimple on his left cheek, one brow is slightly more arched than the other, very kissable plump lips, his cheeks and the tip of his nose escorted by a blush from the chilly wind.

I think at some point I stopped being partial to what I’m seeing over what I’m feeling and got to know the little things, each follicle and flutter that deserves its own consideration. If I let myself feel the way his arm snakes behind my back and around my waist, his fingers tracing down from my wrist to clasp a hold with my fingers, the way his lips feel on mine, how his face brightens when he smiles and somehow manages to give me flutters, then maybe I can take that he makes me feel alive. It’s become a part of the core of my happiness.

Later that evening as the sun completely disappears on us, we take a long route back home. On our way, as I belt out to Paramore and one direction- very badly might I add- he sees a park. We play a few dozen rounds of shoots and of course, your girl got more kisses out of him then he got out of me. As the night comes to an end, I think about how it’s not boring to discuss where Alaska is located, I was a geo topper babes come at me. (Also, technically I was correct cause it was where I said it is on the map I showed you.) This night, which I consider a date, is definitely one of my favourite nights.

So I can proudly say that lemonades are nice, (lemonade mojitos are my fav tho). Lemonade is not just lemonade. Lemonades have various layers and ways in which they can incorporate and contribute to things. Just like how I am to this relationship by being me.

I come to a conclusion that I like lemonade, it’s not too overbearing and not too underwhelming. And I think that he likes lemonade too, not because he didn’t mind finishing mine off when I couldn't, but because I’m lemonade.

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Saturday 22nd September

mood: feel like doing something new and exciting but don't have the energy to do so

I had started so many posts but haven't gone past mood in any so now I have a collection of my moods on different days.  A lot has happened since I last wrote, but just focusing on the recent, I went out for lunch with my homegirl last Friday. It was my last meat day so I made her come so that I could have some chicken. We also went to the park and laid there for a few hours listening to cringy songs that we listened to when we were 12y/o. I don't know what it was but I would easily say that day was one of my top 5 days this year. Even though we did nothing or may have not talked much, we just sang badly, laid and stared at the sky. It was peaceful, I felt like I could think about anything and everything without feeling overwhelmed or lonely. I need more days like this. My introverted ass was over the moon.

I don’t think she realizes how capable she is for a lot of things! I don't know anyone who studies as much as she does, she’s so fcking selfless and it frustrates me that I can’t get her to see that she is actually doing enough or in fact more than enough. But its just the systems and reality of it all where we’ve all adapted ourselves to this mindset where we need to do this and this for something and go above and beyond of it all, but what if we don’t want to do this anymore? What if we want that? I think that she should go for whatever she wants to do and not feel trapped in this bubble. She shouldn’t feel that she is disappointing others by changing or doing something different than what she originally planned to do. She’s in this for life, literally. If science gives you fanny flutters then go for it. You ain't disappointing me, I think I’ll be even happier for you cause I think that it’ll give you a fresh healthier mindset. 

I went on a dinner date with my man and had ice cream at a place that had board games which we could play! I totally beat his ass at checkers and tic tac toe. I also went over to his place yesterday. I got my period. I was a bit emotionally unstable. I say “ a bit” but really I had a sook after we did some things, then in less than a minute I was normal again and didn't know why I teared up so I had an ice cream bar. Boyfriend points for offering me some ice cream bars. I am actually quite shocked at how moody I was and how normal he was with me, I can’t believe that he likes my crazy ass lol. I really like you lmao you don't need to be better g, I like you for you, haha cringe gross, okay churr. 

There was a moment where he was laying on me, we were in silence, and my mind had drifted off a bit to naughty land. The creepiest thing happened. He asked me if I’m okay. I said, “yeah, why?” - “Nothing your heart just sped up all of a sudden.” I just laughed it off but really I was slightly mortified and amazed cause I didn’t expect my heart to do that, he then further said: “now it’s really going.” Like yes, yes it is going because I am shy and embarrassed and thought about doing things with you!!

I also found out something about myself; I really like taking naps. I was never the kid who took naps after school or during the day. What type of taboo is this? I really like naps, specifically naps with him. I would trade to have a day where we both could just nap together with a blanket. 

Something also happened yesterday, I got a call from a place I applied to and had a mini phone interview. I think it went well from my side tbh but idk. I’m going in for an interview on Tuesday. I’m not that nervous cause it hasn't hit me yet but I’m positive that I’ll be a mess on Monday. I just need to sell myself I guess, I think I got this. I really need and want this job. It will give me stability and some responsibility but I wouldn't be surprised if I didn’t get it. I’m not expecting much. But I do hope that I get it. 

Oh and on Thursday my lecture got canceled, my assignment got extended and my grades were incorrectly entered meaning that I actually got a higher grade so its safe to say that this week treated me super well and I got to spend some quality time with these people. 

I wanna get a massage with someone or get my nails done with someone, I wanna go to a park and chill and play board games or general games, I wanna go to an island, I wanna exchange handwritten letters with someone, I wanna do something. My life is so mundane that I try to seek any type of ‘adventure’ I can get. But then I also just wanna be home, in my room, and be on my laptop and watch random videos or read. Sometimes I get bored of doing that, so I try going out then get tired of being out or the idea of getting ready to go out sigh lol the struggles. 

Even if I don't see them often, I 100% enjoy the time I get to spend with everyone. I don’t care about how many times I can see them in a week, I get to spend quality time and I really really like that. It's not that I don't want to see my man or girl every day, its that I like that we both can have our own personal bubble so that when we do see each other it feels amazing for me to let them in. We don't have to be doing many different things but it’s rather the way we spend our time together and interact that’s important to me. It may seem like we go our own ways most times but we still like each other and want each others time and attention. So it’s nice to have my own space, to recharge, I think it's important to not be overbearing or suffocating. But I think that I do do this from time to time, or maybe I’m just overthinking. I just wanna know what's up, but don't want to be at your throat and want to know your actions and location for every minute. So here’s your happy post! *throws sparkles everywhere* I had a great week babe! xoxo, gossip girl

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Sunday 2nd September

Mood: jaded (The first half is super meh feeling only because this week has been like that, other than that I am the same old same old. The usual me with my random dosage of anxiety rushes but I'm a cool bean.)

This post will have no flow. Let me remind you that this is no English comprehension exam but a place where I just want to throw all mixed thoughts and emotions.

So this is me throwing some stuff your way Eleanor, prepare to be tangled up with my mess or what I like to call, my stable but unstable life.

This entire week has been absolute salsa.

I picked up the chip and dipped it into the salsa; I took a step and did something which I never would've dreamt of doing. I put the chip into my mouth and realized that I don’t like avocados as much as I thought I would; Reality had set in that not everything will be happy chappy if I dive right into something. The crunches of my bite pricked my insides but I still ate it; the process of it all was rocky as hell. I haven't felt this sort of pain in years but I got through it. After a day or two of eating it, I got tired. I put the dip back and decided that I'll bring it back out after a while. When the time is right.

I'm not going to indulge too much into this but this is here to remind me that this happened. I did this. Who in a million years would've thought that I would do something like this? Me? I?? I did that. Wow. Someone who struggles to express the slightest ounce of affection towards her closest friends and family did that. I'm proud of myself.

11:59pm (continues to write // Monday 3 September)

I think I play myself over. I'm scared of the feeling of being dissociated with life in a way where I have to find myself and go ahead with my days after a primary factor has been taken away. The process of having to find myself is... How can I find myself when I don’t even know who I am? One day I'll be a bird flying over the ocean and the next I'm the crashing waves. But you know what's kinda funny? I don’t get these thoughts when I'm with him. They hit me late at night when I'm staring at the ceiling and my walls as if one of my redeeming qualities is hidden somewhere behind the wood and plaster.

I cried the last time I was with him. I never cry. If you know me then just think about the time I last cried in front of you. I did not cry because I was hurt by what he was saying.

I cried because I couldn’t understand why he was apologizing. I couldn't comprehend why he felt sorry. I also grew frustrated at myself a little bit cause I want him to see what I see and how amazing he is lol (few thoughts from what happened earlier in the day came back to me) I cried because I don't have a drive for anything, only I couldn’t tell him this at the time. I don’t feel strong towards writing, my studies, or anything really. However, I do feel slightly different with him. He kind of actually makes me want to do these things from time to time. He makes me want to be better, not for him but for myself. I get tired of laying in bed like a mess, tired of seeing puzzle-like pieces of ambition scattered all around. 

I understand him and am not forcing anything from him. I also think that I explained it wrong but I'm not trying to justify anything from that. If you're reading this then approach this from the view of our relationship and let me know if your answer to that one has changed slightly or is it still the same :)

Intimacy: Liking. Feeling of closeness and bond. The feeling of warmth and wanting to hang out with someone again, wanting to see someone again.

Commitment: (Empty love is present when there's only commitment) One liking someone without committing to the relationship or one commited to the relationship without always acknowledging that one likes the other person in the relationship.

Passion: (desire, sexual love, emotions) Infatuation. Physical attraction, sexual things, motivational and other arousals that leads to the experience of passion in a relationship.

*tosses coin* now lets flip this shit up.

 I promised myself that I will take positive approaches to things. I also promised myself that rather than just addressing shit, I will help my friends and myself find ways in dealing with something. Less emotional support and more getting shit done, hell ya!

I slept for a solid 12 hours yesterday, hollllaaaaaaaa (Saturday).

I also need to visit Peanut Butter, omg, I'm such a bad Aunty. Pick me up and you owe me ice cream. Let's start looking before we convince ourselves that you won't find someone. Let's also start going out more during lecture breaks cause no ones gonna see you if you're all cocooned up, unless you want to have pictures taken of you in class heh.

I need to have more coffee dates with the person who calls me Sha. Wow, its not my fault I can't think of what to call you, I couldn’t think of cool nicknames and the nicknames we have are just too.. Theatrical. Lets talk shit out instead of sulking.

// So it is the 5th of September, 11:18pm. I may have put you aside due to an assignment. On the bright side, I have completed 1/2 assignments. I am feeling good! I think I should be feeling more relaxed now(?) - Mood: Accomplished but confused.

I have been feeling way better than last week. Waay better. Wot even happened last week? Queen of acting like shit hasn’t happened and exploding when it all comes back to face me weefreakingwoo!

I thought of this 6 month thing and told him about it. I think it'll be great for me and he is also being supportive. He says that I can do it and I believe that too but I think nows not the right time to start. I might start after assignments are out of the way.

But, I'm sooo much better dude. I am great.

Unedited

I will start writing more for when I'm not feeling down. This aint no story filled with sighs. I will try my best to record my happy days cause that’s what matters. I'd like to think that this isnt all too sad. I have been getting either 4-5 hours of sleep or 12 hours, so I'd say that I can balance the good and bad days too lol. Peace out yo' - I'm content asf right now. Gonna go watch some dead by daylight now!

[seriesofcostumes-blog]

Monday 20th August

Current mood: Melancholy. (I don’t have to do today again. Yeah, tomorrow could be worse but at least I know that I've done today and if I can do today then I can do every other today's and tomorrows.)

I don’t know if I should give you a name yet or not. I was thinking either to keep you as an empty space or to give you a pretty name such as Eleanor. I imagine you to be a whimsical lady enjoying my rambling and secrets. But as for now, I think I will keep changing between the two.

This entry will most likely give you a teensy girly first crush post but I don't care cause I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. I’m just venting out whatever I’ve got bottled up. 

I'm sitting here cocooned in bed with my blanket despite it being a fairly sunny day today. I'm not sure how to start or where/ what to update you on. I have two exams in 2-3 days and I'm not feeling either of it. I admit that they both are quite straightforward and if I just studied then I would have it in the bag but I just can't focus. I've made my notes but they're not getting into my head. I know that I can try harder but that’s my problem. I don’t think that I try. I'll update you on how it goes once they're both over.

Eleanor, I feel lonely from time to time. I felt so damn lonely despite being surrounded by many people. Most of the time I get too much into my head, like I'm here, trust me, but I feel like I'm drifting/ floating- disconnected so I feel alone. I'm so controlled by these stupid thoughts, what ifs and scenarios that don’t take even take place but my mind convinces me that it could happen? This was constant for many months last year but I'd like to think that I've gotten better at it, or maybe I'm just being in denial? Yeah, I have a handful of people who I call my close friends but after a while, I don’t even know how to handle conversations or how to randomly "hit them up."

I started talking to this guy at the start of this year. Oh, I should maybe also add that this boy is my boyfriend now too. He made that feeling go away, the loneliness. He makes me happy, and feel wanted for once. I really like him and I'm scared that I'll mess things up. I have no experience in this but what I know is that what I’m feeling is right. I don’t want him to reciprocate this feeling just because he feels obliged to or feels that he has to. I'm so freaking happy with him but also scared. I'm scared that I'm feeling a bit too much too quickly and don't want to chase him away with all this intensity. I don't really have much going on for me so I also don’t want him to be peeved by me constantly messaging him asking him what he's doing. A little part of me is a bad bitch who isn't bothered by it cause he is my boyfriend after all and a little clingy shouldn't hurt but another part of me is telling me that I'm boring him or tiring him with it all. He doesn’t show that he is but yknow what I mean. Slowly with time, these thoughts will fade away like the many which have from the early days of him and I talking. I just overthink, ugh. It’s a burst of the moment type of thing, I get over the thoughts quickly cause I know that I've just been overthinking. I trust him, I like him, he makes me even like myself.

To be very honest, I much prefer being next to him in person and talking to him rather than chat but I'm taking all I can get. I feel like we’ve been together longer than we actually have but in a good way cause I do end up missing him half the time. But I understand. I'm glad that we don’t study together or have mutual people whom we know. It gives me the perfect setting to know, understand, discover him from scratch. I'm really looking forward to learning more about him and finding out the things which quirk me or makes me like him more (?) there's so much left that I have yet to discover. Sure he gets on my nerves from time to time like any other person but he'll say something stupid without even knowing it and it'll make me smile and forget it all. Maybe I'm slightly deranged?

He's an amazing cuddler and is reassuring. He wouldn’t laugh at me even when I laugh at myself. I've never cuddled anyone before and so when we first did, he was sooo comforting- both verbally and physically. I didn’t think that I would enjoy cuddles this much but with him, it feels right. I love the way he talks. He knows what to say and he says it so precisely. I could watch him work away and still have the greatest of days. I admire his messages, why can I not type like that rather than rambling and trying to make my point?

GIRL don’t even get me started with my sweaty palms. You and I both know how much my palms sweat when I'm nervous. I don’t know why they get so sweaty with him omg. They're not sweaty but then I stress and hope that they don’t sweat which makes it sweaty! Ugh. He's so handsome I wish I could show you him. He's also shockingly better than me at Mario Kart but I will never admit that to him (I'm better than him at basketball shoots so its fair). Everyone has imperfections, sure, but I honestly love all of his ones and hope that I can get him to see what I see.

I like him a lot and I hope that I can make him feel what he makes me feel. He makes me want to be a better version of myself. He makes me feel confident and better in my own skin. He may not know this but he's made me do things which I would have never gotten myself to do. 1. I would never wear stockings to uni but I did. 2. I've started going to this programme and workshops which he sorta made me sign up to. 3. On our first date, he told me to live in the moment. That we should focus on us and our present cause we both don’t know what the future holds. And that is what I've had as a mindset for a couple of months. Sure I have glitches but I'm so goddamn happy that I met this boy that I don’t even know how to put it into words. - Carpe Diem.

Ya girls getting braces too, well I'm still in the process. My dentists are so annoying cause they’ve dragged this out for months but I'm too excited to be mad at them. It makes me feel like I'm getting my life together. It hurts from time to time but I know I will love the outcome and this pain is only temporary.

Things to do by tonight:    - Finish off studying for Psychology (I've about 3 pages of notes left)    - Start making notes for Criminology    - Shave my legs (roughly done)    - Water my plant (done)

Don’t believe me when I jokingly say that I hate you or that you're stupid.  Do you know that I like you? Oh, you do? Well, let my heart scream loud enough some more until you know that I do over and over again.