serenityssobrietyus-blog

[serenityssobrietyus-blog]

The beginning of my story, definitely not the ending.

In advance, let me apologize for the length of this post. For those who read all the way through, thank you. I hope you follow along with the rest of my journey, share experiences, thoughts and more. I greatly appreciate and love all of you. Here we go!

My substance abuse didn’t start at an early age as a lot of people, it crept up in my twenties like the silent disease it is. I would say the progression really started when I was twenty two-twenty three. A lot of it is a huge blur, I remember a lot of good times, but also a lot of bad times, mentally and emotionally. I remember trying to always do as much as possible to catch up on the times I missed out bring pregnant at eighteen through nineteen, then having a newborn and baby through 20. I’ll say the emotional trauma began when I was eighteen, my first relationship ended and instead of processing it in a healthy way, I gave my virginity away a week later out of spite and this really killed me. I realize now it was because I really didn’t love myself back then.

Shortly after this time period, I met the father of my daughter. There was a lot of drama that followed after, from exes, negative opinions, rumors and allegations of cheating, and an unexpected pregnancy very early in the relationship. During my pregnancy, one of my best friends passed away and this hit very hard. I got to go to the funeral luckily, but I had to miss out on the vigil because I knew it would be too hard on me and my unborn baby. I was already under overwhelming stress and emotional baggage. Not shortly after there was the allegation of cheating and proof, I was a pregnant torn up mess. I have this burning memory of crying outside of Forever Twenty-One when I worked there, sitting in my car holding on to my belly just pouring out my emotions, apologizing over and over and saying no matter what I would do my best to be a great mother for her. We worked through that, then on August 16th, 2011 our beautiful girl was born. Things were great for a little while, she was beautiful and healthy and we were happy. Then my biggest fear happened; another allegation this time with overwhelming proof and a confession.

My whole world crashed around me, because of how and why. All I can say is that it really just made me feel completely unimportant and this was when really everything came crashing down. I self-medicated in the worst ways and unfortunately got myself into a terrible situation, one night there was a boy who just wouldn’t accept no as an answer. Of course, we were all drinking and that, in turn, was the reason that no one took my rape seriously. He pushed and pushed until I caved. I cried after and it still apparently was okay, and the assumption was that I was just drunk. To those who didn’t believe me, I don’t blame you and I’ve moved on. To the boy who raped me, I’ve left you behind with the old me, I’m sure karma will work its way with you and I’ll still be living free.

Unfortunately, after that time period, I’ve spent a lot of nights in extremely sketchy situations and have slept with people while under the influence and have completely regretted it. Waking up in beds that weren’t mine, sometimes hotel rooms and not remembering how I got there or who was there. I’m honestly so lucky to be safe (physically) and alive today. Then comes the biggest relationship to impact my life, negatively and positively. I’ve learned the most from this relationship especially now more so than when it was happening. My alcohol abuse impacted this relationship heavily, my girlfriend tried to help, she really did, but the truth was that I was just not ready to change and face my emotional turmoil. I was heavily self-medicating and denying it completely. This eventually ended our relationship and again, instead of me processing it in a healthy way I resorted to a night of heavy drinking my feeling away and went home with a guy friend. Next thing I know I’m pregnant, depressed, confused, lost and feeling totally alone. He wasn’t anywhere ready to be a father and I wasn’t in any position to have another child.

I ended up getting an abortion, even though that was also the last thing I wanted. My ex-girlfriend and I were trying to work on things and she wasn’t ready for a child either. At this point in my life, I was pro-life and she knew how much this meant to me. I’ll get into this story a little later in my blog, but the end results were very devastating. I attempted suicide and luckily survived, in hindsight, I’m glad everything happened the way it did and I’m here today to share my stories and hopefully will help those still suffering who can relate in any way. Unfortunately after my attempt though, my abuse of alcohol didn’t slow down one bit, it actually got worse, a lot worse.

I knew this would eventually happen that my drinking would get me into legal trouble. My drinking was getting so bad to the point of constant blackouts and emotional explosions. Getting so completely drunk that even the smallest thing would send me off the edge and completely lashing out. One night out, something so trivial as someone wanting someone else to drive made me snap for no good reason, get completely over-emotional and running away from my friends with no words and getting into my car. Boom, DUI. At that time I didn’t consider my tolerance and had no idea just how high it was, my BAC was .26 which is twice the legal limit. Which is also pretty high for a girl of my stature, especially to be as coherent as I was. This whole experience was very traumatic I did stop drinking for about a month and started feeling better; I thought I was fine. I was not fine.

I got complacent and comfortable, I thought I would be fine this time. I had just started dating this girl; this relationship I can’t say I regret, because I definitely see it as a lesson learned. At the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t drinking, but she was, also cocaine was involved. Eventually, the temptation took over. First I started with just a drink a night, maybe just a glass of wine. Then the next thing I knew I was drinking just as much as before and now drugs were involved. Eventually, the relationship ended, but my drinking was at an all-time high. The drugs went with her too, with is a great blessing to me, because I couldn’t imagine fighting any other addiction like alcoholism with something else on top of it. I wish the drinking could have gone with her too, but life just didn’t work out that way.

Life has a funny way of working, and I really do believe everything happens for a reason. I believe all the things that have happened before have led to this very moment I’m about to share with you. All these things are what make me the person I am today, and give me the strength to continue on today. Like I stated earlier, I really hope someone, anyone, can take away from my story something to help them or even just encourage them.

Here we are, 2019, my drinking at the highest it’s ever been, I couldn’t even comprehend just how high my tolerance had gotten or just how close I was to killing myself through just drinking alone. It finally all caught up to me, all my emotional trauma I was holding onto, all the negative self-medicating through drinking. I was honestly at a point where I stopped caring. So many days day drinking, leading into the night, waking up every day hungover, drinking before work to fight off the hangover. Going into work violently sick, or intoxicated fighting through every shift just thinking of that drink I’ll have after to feel better. Spending days on a friend’s couch not getting anything done, that needed to be done. Ignoring my family and my wellbeing completely, malnourished and a complete and total mess. It finally all caught up to the day that would completely save my life.

This day, such a blessing in disguise, but extremely terrifying that I got myself here. After a night of drinking and staying out with friends, we’re onto day two of this binge; we started off with breakfast which came with mimosas of course, then turned into one bar, two bars, three bars. Completely drunk, completely just not caring. Never showed up for work, with no word at all. Drinking myself into oblivion knowing that I become suicidal and a complete mess every time. For some reason (there’s a lot of reasons, trust me, that I know now) the universe wasn’t ready for me to leave this world this lifetime. The whole night was a blur, but I remember speaking to a young black officer; the one I claim as responsible for saving my life. The ambulance lights. The white walls of the hospital room. The constant flow of tears down my face. I was in the hospital with a BAC of .49. I’m beyond lucky to be alive or not in a coma. This all accrued between September 15–17.

I luckily got sent to a detox center called Pathways, which I’m so extremely thankful for today. It really was a great experience and was a great way to kick start my sobriety journey. I did a lot of soulsearching in that building and decided I was ready to leave that toxic lifestyle behind and start dealing with my issues head-on. On September 18th I saw my BAC at .00 and decided it would stay that way. Now here I am today November 27, 2019, and I’m seventy days sober. I’ve completed and 30 day Day Treatment that helped me a lot just like Pathways did. I’m making tremendous strides to bettering my mental, emotional and physical health. Really working on my relationships that better my life and processing all of my emotions in a healthy way.

I really wanted to start this blog to help keep me driven through my sobriety and give me something to be productive with. I hope to look back on this whenever I feel weak and know that I’m extremely strong and blessed to be alive. A special thank you to those who have been following my journey thus far, some of you have been here from the very beginning and I know you’re just as stoked for me to be here too, Ashley; part of my safety net, Lauren, Alicia, Lani, and Samantha, even though some of us don’t talk daily, I feel your love and support, I love you. And to those who have been a huge impact on me today and keep me strong, you’re my best friends and I couldn’t do this without you, Cody; part of my safety net, Sara, Burl and Simon, I’m so extremely thankful for all your love and support.

I really thank all of you for reading this too and those silent followers. If you take anything from this and would like to share, I’d love to hear from you. Well, I finally got this blog started, let’s see how this goes! Love you guys!