septembersbreeze

[septembersbreeze]

to words, me and time.

I came here, a year ago giving myself the gift of pouring my heart out into words, to bleed myself out. I started with this and kept writing and pouring and bleeding, somehow longing to peel the pain out from inside my chest, from under my skin, from deep down within. Some nights it helped, some nights it didn't. But I never lost faith in the power of words, whether they were bound by heartache, longing or simply sharing. But the real beauty of words I found was in the eyes that read them. That reached out and said hey, I'm here, it gets better. I didn't believe back then of course, I thought that stinging, burning, palpable heartache would never vacate my chest. 

But it did.. I think of the person I was a year ago as I started writing here on that rainy night, my soul in complete darkness. And I wish I knew then what  I know now, that time does heal everything. But then.. what are we if not for our experiences? And if I can shed a light to a single soul out there, who stumbles upon this piece now, I hope you know, it does get better. 

It truly does. 

(a huge thank you to each and every one of you who I have had the pleasure of calling a friend through here <3 I know some have been worried in recent times with my absence but know that I am a heartbeat away <3)

[septembersbreeze]

I wish you had stayed.

[septembersbreeze]

somewhere under this dark sky, beneath the starlit rooftops, there are people undressing their dreams with smiles that untie the knots in their stomach. with the space between their lungs filled with september's cool breeze and their demons washed away in riptides of the ocean. where absence is sweet and longing is momentary -; in a universe that bends with the night. there are people who conquer their pillows and wrap themselves in lilac dreams with their last thought nothing but a smile across their lips.

i hope you (me/us/we/all) are one of them.

[septembersbreeze]

[septembersbreeze]

Last year this time (this week), I dared to dream. Packed up my bags and flew across the Atlantic to be with you. To see your eyes after having you flow through my veins for so long was like the stars colliding before crashing into the space between us. I still remember it like yesterday. You smiled and the whole world melted into the dimple that rested on your left cheek. Just like that, my hand fit perfectly into yours as the world moved around us. You untangled your fingers from my hair as the sun set outside, a crescendo of I love you rolling off your tongue. I would have followed you into the dark. 

Last year this time (this week), I dared to believe. This is the start of something wonderful I whispered into your ear before I felt your bare hands dig into my chest as shadows lurked across the walls.Wings of steel carried me home, as our dreams and realities collided.

And then you took it all away. Just like that, you picked up your coat, tucked my soul into your back pocket and my sanity into the front. Just like that you decided, I no longer fit into your life. Just like that, you took every reality and dragged it through the mud. Just like that, you pushed me with your bare hands into the dark. 

Last year this time (this week), I didn't think I could breathe again. That's the thing with time, it breaks, it bends, it flows through your pain - it heals and tells you; you're going to be okay. 

[septembersbreeze]

reality is so grave, happiness so very fleeting. every time I feel it in my grasp i hold on tight, so tight that i end up choking it. when all i want to do is hold it against my chest and give it life with every heart beat. 

[septembersbreeze]

(by lavender lullaby)

[septembersbreeze]

moments.

there are moments in time where you think; I want to remember that. I want to engrave it into the conclaves of my mind. What I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I was doing, in that one moment. I want to remember that.

Just like that.

[septembersbreeze]

kaleidoscope.

I feel a void under my skin, where your fingers should be lingering. 

A thought's stray passing from memory, ghostly bones hollowed thin.

Do you remember? Do you remember how you promised me forever,

While your fingers danced along my spine?

I believed you then like I believed in sunshine.

All lights grow dull, hazed in smoke shade; the sun may burn warmly

Yet I feel merely a wisp of an ember, as if it has dwindled down

To mere as and cinders - out of reach from such helpless fingers.

It's a little cold here, inside my skin; if I peel it back and let you in,

Will you flow through my veins and warm me from within.

If the breeze would dare carry me, perhaps our hearts would again find alignment

Through the sweeping chill of an Autumn astray. Perhaps; if only.

It's time to bury the past, if only I could bury your smile - 

Or that dimple that held all our dreams.

Memories have numbed the edges of my lips;

I no longer taste the wonder that filled these once elated airs.

There is fear, underlining my skin, flowing through my veins.

There is loss that knocking on my door. I will sit here in silence and wish it away

Will it away - till you no longer are one of them.

I hide now where secret regards were never kept, beneath the surface

Anxious tones still echo out through me. I resign to cleansing storms

To wash it all away - until I am no longer real.

- italic : slowsway

(Quite some months ago when I was between pain and healing, a wise young man whom I have the pleasure of calling a good friend through those times and still is, asked me to do a collaboration with him. I was far from putting two words together still engrossed in my own world and so we left it at that. That was until about a month ago when my world shifted it's axis and so I sent little trinkets of my thoughts as he put them together and added his own. Thus came together kaleidoscope. It was a pleasure to do this with you as I am humbled to be your friend and admire your talent. Thank you for helping me put some of my own puzzle pieces together.)

[septembersbreeze]

Lost in Translation - Dir. Sofia Coppola 

[septembersbreeze]

"If you have only one smile in you give it to the people you love"

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope"

-Maya Angelou

May you rest in peace, leaving behind a legacy of being strong, being free, being fearless and being a proud; woman. 

[septembersbreeze]

Radiohead-There There (The Boney King Of Nowhere) -coffeefilledlungs.tumblr.com

[septembersbreeze]

10

there was wind gushing outside and it took me 10 seconds to have it register that you were leaving me. no amount of rubbing my eyes would have those words disappear from that screen. it took 10 minutes to realise you were leaving me with a text. i still had your scent lingering on my favourite tshirt as my mind lingered on the edge of sanity. i was screaming yet no one could hear me. it took 10 hours to say the words aloud you are gone. i felt sadness in 10 shades and stayed in bed for 10 long days willing it all to be a nightmare i could wake up from. it took 10 weeks to accept you weren't coming back. there are 10 layers of self loathing that come with the realisation that I wasn't enough. there is bitterness, there is anger, there is pain - such excruciating pain; that lay side by side with the love that you have no idea what to do with. you scream, you cry, you die a thousand ways before you will yourself to breathe again. it took 10 months to accept that i will be okay. 10 months today that i look back and realise i deserved better than that. and yet, and yet, it's not that i miss you, no. i miss what should have been 10 months of happiness. 

[septembersbreeze]

[septembersbreeze]

Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.

Anthony Bourdain (via elleporidae)