self-ie-health

[self-ie-health]

Food journal today.

2 Strawberries,

Cheese stick,

3 pepperonis,

Half a spoon of peanut butter,

5 more pepperonis,

A bite of Nathan’s pizza,

And a propel water packet in water of course. I didn’t snort it.

I kinda love seeing how little I can eat. I wouldn’t have eaten the peanut butter if I wasn’t shaking after working out.

Haven’t lost any weight yet.

Well that I know of. I’m currently so fat that I max out the scale. All I know is that I don’t weigh less than the max on the scale. Which is the end goal.

[self-ie-health]

Lunch today was a strawberry and 2 pepperonis

[self-ie-health]

What a great day, Nathan wants to eat left overs. Which means I can sneakily throw away what I’m suppose to have for dinner and say I ate it before he got home

[self-ie-health]

Day three of trying to give myself an ED. Yesterday I ate some spinach dip, strawberries, and shrimp and couscous. The day before I ate 2 strawberries, a granola bar, and binge ate sloppy joes. Today I got a breakfast burrito. And felt such guilt about eating it that I threw up as much as I could. Now I can’t eat anything besides try and fake eat dinner. The hardest thing about wanting to do this is keeping it from Nathan. I’m not one to not finish dinner. And he kept asking me what I wanted for lunch yesterday. This may be harder than I thought. But I literally am so disgustingly obese. I hate myself. I hate every inch of my body. I feel repulsed when I think about having sex with myself. How can he see all this and still find me sexy? I have to believe that’s impossible. I worry that he’s grown tired of my body. Of the weight I carry. Of the anxiety I have of being so big.

I am absolutely disgusting.

[self-ie-health]

Today is 8 days after we had sex. My period started on February 5th. We had un-safe sex on February 20th. You ovulate two weeks after your period starts. Today is February 28th. I got up to go poop at 1 am and wiped and had light spotting. I also had a migraine for the first time yesterday. And my nipples became sore yesterday. I’ve also been ridiculously tired. This might be implantation bleeding. This is now what I planned. I feel nervous and scared. And I know I just need to calm down. There’s nothing I can do for at least a week. It would be literally crazy to me if we got pregnant somehow FROM ONE TIME. He’s done his thing in me before MANY TIMES and it’s never happened. How could I have known that I was ovulating when it happened?! It’s crazy because I know I’m probably just being anxious, but I feel some kind of peace and hope. I know everything will be alright no matter what. It would just suck to not be able to drink in Vegas 😂. That’s a true shotgun wedding y’all haha. I’m writing all this as Nathan’s sleeping next to me. I don’t want to worry his little head until I

A:have more symptoms

B:have a positive test

Man I know I’m ready to be a mom. But how wild would that be? We have everything planned for it to happen in a few months 😂. But I guess you’re never ready. At least I’m prepared for a miscarriage if it happens. I won’t be as blindsided as last time. I am definitely not getting any sleep tonight. AHHHHHHHHH

[self-ie-health]

find a girl who will choke you back

[self-ie-health]

I wish that my mind didn’t resort to being depressed everyday. I wish that people loved me as much as I loved them. And I wish I could just stop thinking and caring and everything. I’m so fucking tired of being depressed. I’m just always exhausted. No energy for anything. I don’t know how I get out of bed everyday, but I do it. No matter how depressed I feel I still somehow do it. Maybe I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. This year has fucking sucked. First the new job, then the pregnancy, then the miscarriage, then having to put Chloe down, then my Aunt Tami dying, and as I was just starting to feel normal again. WHAM my best friend in the whole world cuts me off. And now we’ve been so broke and my far away grandma is dying. The sad thing is that I’d take my best friend back any day. Because I love her more than anyone besides Nathan. I don’t think I’ll ever find a friend like her. But I also don’t understand how she could just end something like this. Without trying to talk to me about it. And I’ve tried apologizing so many time. But apparently me not getting exciting about her getting engaged as I’m going through my miscarriage is inexcusable. Honestly I don’t even know who I am anymore. Just filled with so much pain and very, very little happiness. I don’t know how much longer I have to be alive, but I hope I get to at least be a little happy for some of it.

[self-ie-health]

3/1/21

Is it possible to miss something that barely existed? Missing a hope, a dream? Does it hurt when you see people complaining about your dream, when they have it? Why does it hurt so bad to want to be put through something so strenuous? Does it feel like your heart is missing something now? That flame of joy and excitement? What brought you such fear, then joy, then heart break, and now just darkness. Sure it can happen again someday, but can’t I still mourn the loss today? Something so delicate and small, that it didn’t take much of anything to take it away. All the pain of your body rejecting it, making you loose what you were holding so dear. The pain of feeling normal again. Why does it hurt so badly to feel normal again?

[self-ie-health]

Holy fuck I feel like I’m drowning.

New job.

Babies.

Feeling alone.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

Who the fuck am I?

Am I just a fat bitch who can’t be happy?

Nobody said this would be easy.

But nobody said that this would happen.

What can I even do besides say the same thing.

That doesn’t change my situation at all.

God I’m so fucking selfish.

She needs me.

And I need her.

But fuck I can’t handle this right now.

[self-ie-health]

[self-ie-health]

Idk what I was expecting for Halloween but a fucking my chemical romance comeback was NOT ON THAT LIST

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I’m just really feeling like a failure today. Maybe I shouldn’t have moved to Eugene. Maybe I knew I wouldn’t make friends and I would hate it. But whatever

[self-ie-health]

10/11/2019

I wish I didn’t have so many responsibilities so I wouldn’t feel bad if I killed myself. I wish I didn’t have a loving boyfriend who would literally be crushed to the core. I wish thank Gil wouldn’t be confused on why his mom never comes home. I wish Leo wouldn’t be tragically affected by my death. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I swear life is still so catty after highschool. I just don’t fit in anywhere. It’s like I wasn’t made to be loved. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to distance myself from everyone so that no one would be hurt

[self-ie-health]

8/10/19

Today I just feel drained. And scared. And sick. And tired. And overwhelmed. I don’t know how we are going to come up with $500 by September for our old apartment. I don’t know why Gil is acting out and going potty inside. I don’t know why Aqua has been so needy. I don’t know why Chloe screams bloody murder at 6am. I don’t know how I’m suppose to get aquas medication or pay for it. I also don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna pay for Franklins light fixture that is broken. I don’t understand how I am suppose to handle any of this. It’s hard enough starting a new job and then having this on my plate. Like I still haven’t even tried to make friends at work. I don’t feel like I fit in at all. I just feel out of place. Which is normal when you start a job. I miss my friends so much. As much as I hated Dabella, I miss smoking weed with my friends and having fun every day. I also miss having people to call up to hang out with whenever I’m lonely. That’s how I feel. Lonely. Friendless. Unlovable. Annoying. Mean. I can’t really think of positive things anymore. I mean I know Nathan loves me but every single day I’m scared I will fuck that up somehow. Nathan is besides the point. He’s amazing and perfect and way too awesome for this mess. I just wish I had someone to talk to. That actually cared about me. It seams like my coworkers just don’t really care. Which I don’t blame them, they’ve known me for like 2 weeks. I literally just want to run away and scream. Scream and scream until nothing can happen anymore. This is the dark place I visit occasionally. The one where cutting myself would feel so good. It’s. So. Fucking. Hard. To not cut myself. The main thing keeping me from doing that is definitely Nathan. I don’t want to hurt him. Because I feel like if he sees how fucked up I really am, he will leave me. And without Nathan I have nothing. I mean fuck he’s taking care of me lately financially. Sometimes I wish tho that I could just go back to our Hillsboro life for a minute and be comfortable. Be in our old apartment with our bedroom in the living room. Like right when we got Gil. And I would go to Dabella and laugh at all of Michaels jokes, goof off with Jahuaree, make Patrick laugh, race chairs with Kaylee, and shake and bake with Jaden. Maybe I just miss my friends a little bit.

[self-ie-health]

[self-ie-health]

1/18/19 Friday 12:28am

Hair is wet because I had to take a shower tonight. I threw up from coughing after a big bong hit of hash. Today has been a pretty steady day emotion wise. Not a lot of super anxious moments. I feel really lonely because I last saw Nathan Tuesday and I won’t see him until tomorrow. I’m always scared that I’m too attached to that boy. But all and all a pretty good/mild day.