self-diagnosed-facitious

[self-diagnosed-facitious]

Conveniently, at around the time I posted last, I had a few massive revelation that I couldn't deny as much as I might have wanted to at the time. Both physical and mental, some things I swore I had but wasn't sure, it turned out I did have a few, but not in the way I expected. This said, I plan to continue to advocate for factitious disorder, as I intimately know what it felt like to be searching for anything to make me feel like I had an answer to the grief I experienced. I apologize for the abscence, thank you for your understanding.

[self-diagnosed-facitious]

One of the reasons that lead me to believe I may have factitious disorder is my relationship with questioning my own grasp on my mind. I know I'm different, and I know there's something seriously wrong with me, as I have finally been diagnosed by someone who told me I went through too much. I never had medical intervention growing up, therapists were badly picked for me as a kid. I knew something wasn't right, so I looked for things that shared the symptoms I did genuinely have.

Yes, one of these things is DID, or dissociative identity disorder. I never once claimed I had it to others, but I wondered about it, and I still do. I have massive gaps in my memory, when I'm stressed out something changes in me, and I lose even more time. I'll go to sleep feeling childlike and vulnerable, and the next moment I'm conscious I'm waking up a day and a half later with a lingering feeling of being a scared child. Not who I was as a child, but as a stranger. These aren't unfounded concerns.

But when it becomes a problem, is when the idea of being able to name what I went through is powerfully attractive. I would have a name for what I experienced, and having answers is the most important thing to me. I often wonder if I have a child alter somehow, but I'm always doubting the truth of that. I do have other diagnosed conditions that have caused me severe dissociative tendencies and memory loss, so I doubt whether these experiences are due to those conditions, or other unnamed ones, such as DID.

Having an answer to my experiences is the most affirming feeling in the world, and I know to an extent it's due to wanting attention for what I went through as a child. I was neglected emotionally, mentally and medically, and nobody began to truly listen and understand until I was a later teenager, and only truly listened to by a medical professional years into adulthood.

I don't want to have alters, I don't want to feel out of control of my body like that, but I want answers to the things I experienced and cannot name. I don't wish to minimize or pretend like I understand what everyone with DID or OSDD goes through, and I hope I can get that across clearly.

[self-diagnosed-facitious]

Hi there. I hope I can spread some kind of awareness to factitious disorder with this blog. Not as something to make fun of and be used as the butt of a joke. But as a legitimate condition that can cause paranoia and constant self doubt. Tumblr's tag system is also full of very unkind posts about it, I would like to change this.

There is not much research into factitious disorder, but I believe it stems from severe neglect and being robbed of the chance to form a strong self identity in childhood. I also believe it shares a source that can lead on to cause personality disorders, OCD, and the like. If you would like to debate this, please just be respectful.

I have been professionally diagnosed with a few things I didn't expect, but for the sake of keeping anonymous, I will not list them. I'm a full adult, for anyone who needs to know.