selahbrielle

[selahbrielle]

and here again the shadows looming around the corner.

it echoes something I couldn't even grasp the idea of,

not merely understanding its blabbering non-sensical mouth,

trying to lure me with its venomous smile.

i paused.

and here i am again, in the darkness i embraced.

i couldn't get hold of it any longer.

nothing awaits, nor can i go out from this.

i held a captive of my own thoughts.

[selahbrielle]

I bumped into this quote in insta about dreams being paused.

Yes, I took a break.

I paused in continuing that dream— that passion inside me,

for a much greater purpose.

Maybe, things really did change.

It shifted into something bigger and more complicated.

Yet, never did He leave me.

Yes, maybe things have changed.

But, I know God is with me.

Despite having to pause my dreams for a while now.

I know God has prepared something greater for me.

Even if that dream will remain as a dream only.

If it's His will, it will happen.

And so I trust my life, my future, all the worries and doubts to Him.

[selahbrielle]

I'm back

because

I am brokenhearted,

I am in pain,

I am in confusion

I am doubt

that it hasn't sunk in yet.

I'm back

because

Pain teaches me lesson,

pain pushed me to write

pain gives me enough reason,

for things to be said through scribbles of letters.

I'm back

because

I got no one to talk,

to run unto,

to tell my heartache

without hesitations,

without inhibitions.

I'm back

because

my heart bleeds,

my eyes are swollen,

with these unreleased tears.

I'm back

because

this is my only venue,

where my art and pain coincides,

and where only my scribbled words,

understand me the most.

—selah

[selahbrielle]

Too sudden and too fast...

You came in an instant.

We made memories,

Oh what is five days

As if we have known each other from the past years.

We jive and vibe

Now, we both agreed to make things work out.

I waited and waited

But you never came

No reasons, just pure disappearance

I still waited and waited

Too sudden and too fast

Now, we no longer jive and vibe

You left me in an instant bringing my heart with you

Oh my man behind that profile.

-selah

[selahbrielle]

And the story continued...

I already resigned.

Now, jobless for almost 2 months.

However, so happy with all the opportunities coming my way.

With all the happy and exciting moments with friends.

And yes, despite being jobless, I am living my life to the fullest.

But, I really needed a job. I'm so broke 😅😭

[selahbrielle]

If there's something I could do, I would gladly resign from this freakin' job who's giving me so much doubt of myself.

I have given my all. But why do I feel like everything's a waste. It's too simple to say my words lack life, my writing style needs to improve, that I should directly be told of what to do with my piece. Instead of relaying it to somebody else's to edit.

Is it so hard? To say those things?

I am not dumb not to notice.

How about my growth? How should I learn from my own mistakes when people aren't telling me what I have done wrong?

I just wanted to quit— from everything.

This isn't healthy anymore. It's killing me.

[selahbrielle]

Into the sun,

I bathed,

from its morning light

'til it runs out at night.

— selah

[selahbrielle]

ODD DREAM

It was a vividly odd dream.

Last year, I had a dream— which is about you.

As I was trying to catch my breath in that dream, you were there not glancing at my way. I cried with your remnants. Those old letters, souvenirs, paintings, your smile— you— inside that old tree house of nobody-knows-where.

As your shadow passed by the alley, through my wailings, I called you loudly. However, you did not reveal your face, even in that one light post in front of me. All I heard was, "Don't try to chase me". But, how could I? How can I forget your imprints in my whole body, where you tattooed your stories, your invisible love, yourself selfishly.

Yet, it ended in an instant.

I heard my sobs even when I woke up in the real existence of life. Why was my heart so heavy that I didn't know a dream could affect me that much? I told you about my dream. You said you wouldn't do what I had in my dreams but, you did.

Caught in another wailing together with the rushing waves in front of me. And as I stepped my right foot, the seawater consumed me.

Maybe, it was an odd dream. But, it was no longer a dream because I ended up choosing the latter— of letting it exist— into a nightmare that will hunt you down in the next hundred years.

[selahbrielle]

CITY LIGHTS

And so I bathed under the moon,

above the sky,

with these beautiful city lights.

Yes, embraced by the coldness —

of the night,

of the fact that it's right.

Perhaps it freezed me,

it moved me,

it made me think of ways

of healing the doubts

inside me.

However, it never did.

The sorrow continues,

until no more words left

behind this silence of the night.

—selah

[selahbrielle]

TO MY NATURE-COLORED WORLD

I hope the greens will give me clearer visions of your intentions. Whether it is pure like the lilies in the water field or not, like the petal I used to snitch in the flower vase my grandma puts in the center table — expecting it was real.

I hope the yellows radiate positivity despite being soaked in its hotness— in the warmth of your unassured gestures. Well soon, it will turn to the coldness which I really needed in this scorching heat. It will reach far and instant; deep and unbearable.

I hope the blues take all the grays and turn it into a beautiful sky of hope. That even with your mixed signals, I can still define the attention you're giving— positively.

I hope the whites will give off calmness in this chaotic world and mind, of anything that is uncertain. That I shouldn't over think and I shouldn't expect anything from you; just like we used to be when we were 18.

I hope the nature-colored world I have will find its way in the deepest part of my soul to not take things personally. That I should move on and make the most out of anything without you in it.

And I certainly would love to take my 18-year old self back to those moments where I used to juggle life without your existence. Because it's undeniably tranquil— while enjoying the colors of nature.

— selah

[selahbrielle]

ALONE, TOGETHER!

"Balhin ta's pikas na kay gasugod na ang sunset."

I didn't know you are a fan of sunsets. I even asked you that. Yet you smiled and faced me, "yes". I was glad to witness the ever glorious setting of the sun with you. Yey! We both love the sunrise and sunset. How romantic it would be if we are a couple watching it together. Oopss! Taboo topic. But, yes. Sunsets are better when we're together eme hahaha.

I wonder what made you say yes that day of my random-impulsive invitation out of nowhere.

It was March 10, 2023.

"Wala pa ra ba ko kaadto," my response which changed your mind after you said the location I suggested was too far, and this was after I said I have already eaten "isaw" with my friend which technically the reason why I asked you out. Because I love to eat "isaw". Unfortunately, I already had it when we visited Holy Places. You're kinda disappointed I guess because we might be possibly canceling ours. However, no. I find ways. But, you're kinda "igat" man so you chose nature as a location. Then, I suggested the place where I haven't gone to. Yet, it's too far, but right after telling "I haven't been there," you instantly say, "tara". Which made me think, "Was it because I was not able to come there yet or you just love nature and the view of the sunset right there." Nevertheless, we pushed through going there. A date then; a friendly date.

First time visiting the place was majestic; the scenery, the greens, the mountains which always calm my chaotic mind. How my eyes glowed in happiness as I've seen how high we were from the ground where people are commonly living. What a perfect place to shout. But, uh uh. There were too many people. Maybe next time.

Well, the conversation? That was too wholesome. I miss the days where we used to chika a lot in the lobby outside our classroom. In a snap, the moment was back. I blabber a lot, the usual. And you on the other side, was listening. The usual. Maybe I am just too complacent or I trust you so much that no exhibitions are needed. Therefore, made you open up to me. Yay! The purpose of asking you out was to personally tell me about what happened in your life for the past years. Gladly, you didn't hesistate and have told me everything I needed to know.

Fast forward; that day as well, I confessed about my past attraction towards you. I was infatuated. Thus, pushed you as well to say things I would be glad I have known for the past years. Maybe, my 18 year-old self was happy, even blushing. You were or let's say still attracted to me. Woahhh! Too vocal. I love that. Especially when you say, "I can be myself whenever I'm with you." Can you at least pause for a moment? I was kinda overwhelemed, at the same time happy. Because I was not wrong all along. You have a crush on me while I was having a crush on you as well. Finally, reciprocated. However, that was all in the past, I told you. And yes, your attraction is fading. Should I keep it the way it is or let's work on it again? Maybe, maybe. Somewhere, there's a place for the both of us.

The thought of you bringing me there send butterflies to my stomach. I honestly am grateful because, my first time being there was with you. And that made me realize how lucky I am to spend the day with you. Should we have another one? Maybe. Only time will tell.

I will always love you. Maybe what's intense now is to keep our friendship going. However, maybe we could try at least. I'm gonna work again that attraction so that this time you're the one being reciprocated. Kidding. Let's keep it this way. Will never know.

"There's no place to call a happy home until I found you." - selah

[selahbrielle]

I deleted my account here 3 years ago because I thought I have friends who can be my diary. I stopped jotting it down. Forgetting about it. However, it made me realize, I'm the sole diary of my own story. Thus, I am back; to write again, to share stories, to reminisce my adventures. As this years starts wonderfully, I am here to write the story I am always longing to tell.