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Administration of Dalen Portland Cementfabrikk (1961) in Porsgrunn, Norway, by Astrup & Hellern

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אני לא כל כך מתפקדת

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Israeli folk dancing at Kibbutz Dalia, Israel. 1945.

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Hiroshi Sugimoto

via @a18DEVety2x7c_1

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Postcards from Lviv dating from the very beginning of the XX century

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Laurence Salzmann, "I Remember Them Now" (The last Jews of Radauti, Romania, 1974)

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Georgia O'Keeffe, Pink Moon Over Water, 1924

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already cultivating myself to be like someone I think he'd want me to be,

madness,

can't think for myself

really no sense of agency

I frustrate myself like this over and over again, when will I learn to have a personality and not just be a sudden reaction to everyone else?

I sense a pattern - does this mean I'm lost? A pattern that I can't seem to break out of. The question really is what do I like? Who do I want to be when no one else is watching &/or cares?

maybe read more books? write more? develop myself? worry less? are any of those things possible? just more haunting rumination? living in the modern world. want to shut my brain off. need to get out of west roxbury, go to israel, and learn hebrew. it's crazy but I know it's the right choice.

still, I can't but stop wondering, what will people think of me doing this? and then the next thing I think is, why do I care what people think of me doing this? why do I feel so guilty about it? or embarrassed or ashamed? would I judge someone else for doing this? I don't think I would, and I also wonder why I would keep people in my life, or like let them have access to me, if they want to be haters? what does it say about their values that they're unwilling or unable to see nuance? do I not want to admit some of my friends or at least some of the people in my life are unrepentant antisemites? should I just cut my losses now? how badly do I want/need to be liked that I would deny my own people's connection to their ancient land for a bunch of people I don't even talk to or hang out with and who, if I didn't have instagram would even know I would be going there in the first place? like how dare they have this much room in my brain! I say, time to evict! time to be free! I just want to be liked so badly, it's like pathological with me. it's never been about what I like, it's always been what I think other people are thinking of me.

According to chatGPT: "It sounds like you're struggling with self-awareness and possibly low self-esteem, focusing more on external validation than your own feelings and desires." - practice mindfulness - explore your interests - journaling - set boundaries (learn to say noooooo) - practice self-compassion (be kind & gentle, ugh) - challenge negative beliefs with balanced, affirming statements - connect with your values (like judaism) the thing is... I know what I want to do! and god damn it it excites me so much!

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Andrei Tarkovsky, Polaroid

Myasnoe, 8 September 1981; inscribed 'Myasnoe 8 SEpt. 1980, 7'(verso)

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atonement

I realize only now that most, if not all, of my problems stem from the fact that I'm much more interested in worrying whether or not people like me than worrying about how my actions are impacting other people.

My priorities are wrong. "It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and not make amends."

"Five of them are things which the person who commits them drags with them perpetually, and they are all very bad character traits, and they are: (1) Slander. (2) Gossip. (3) Anger. (4) Someone who plots against their fellow. (5) Someone who makes friends with a wicked person, because he will learn from [the wicked person’s] ways and they will be inscribed in his heart."

#mishnehtorah

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Libya

Svenka Petrović

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Portrait of Frances Clinton, Lady Chandos by Hieronimo Custodis 1589

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Countess Charlotte von Jennison-Walworth, Card from  Die Jungfrau von Orleans (Maid of Orleans, a Transformation Playing Card Deck,  publisher Johann Friedrich Cotta ,1805.

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versace f/w 2019 rtw

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Mount Fuji photographed by Asako Narahashi (2003)