seinfeld-today

[seinfeld-today]

George flips out after someone mistakes him for a cishet ally at a pride march. Elaine gets weirded out when her date starts referring to her as her "sister"

God forbid women with a Fauxcest kink do anything (/j)

Also I think George would be 100% willing to get down and dirty in the middle of 5th Avenue just to prove a point.

[seinfeld-today]

Due to a petty grievance with a particular restaurant, George embraces his Italian heritage in an attempt to get it shut down. Jerry gets canceled on Twitter for saying he doesn’t like hummus. Kramer invents a country to pretend to be from in order to make his YouTube cooking channel seem authentic. Elaine, who claims she doesn’t like sushi, gets banned from a Japanese restaurant and repeatedly attempts to circumvent it. The United States declares war on Kramer’s fictitious country

Every sentence in this is funnier than the last by an order of magnitude. I genuinely didn't think we could top George taking his final revenge on Reggie's, but oh baby we do.

[seinfeld-today]

More people start finding Jerry’s standup offensive. Kramer starts raising owls in his apartment. George’s girlfriend encourages him to chase a promotion at work, unwittingly urging him down a Macbeth-style path of corporate backstabbing and hubris. Elaine is upset that her friend got catcalled and she didn’t. Newman is revealed to have been recommending Jerry’s act to people who are guaranteed to hate it.

God Elaine would get so pissy about not getting catcalled, even though she hates it as a concept and would probably punch out any guy that did it to her. But if anyone is attracting catcalls, it should be her, damn it!

Also yeah Newman is the ultimate hater and he's so real for that (/j)

[seinfeld-today]

Sounds about right for Seinfeld Continuity.

Kramer creates a petition to ban LED lights. George’s new girlfriend wears too many bracelets. Elaine thinks her roommate is eating her food. Jerry’s new sneakers squeak when he walks.

People keep signing Kramer's petition because they think that he specifically means LED Headlights, and those things are cancer. Also Elaine 100% did it to herself by eating food she thought was communal but the roommate had bought for herself. This is just revenge.

While I've got your attention, do we think that this is related to last week's plot of the Sketchers, or is this just a lovely coincidence?

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer creates a petition to ban LED lights. George’s new girlfriend wears too many bracelets. Elaine thinks her roommate is eating her food. Jerry’s new sneakers squeak when he walks.

People keep signing Kramer's petition because they think that he specifically means LED Headlights, and those things are cancer. Also Elaine 100% did it to herself by eating food she thought was communal but the roommate had bought for herself. This is just revenge.

While I've got your attention, do we think that this is related to last week's plot of the Sketchers, or is this just a lovely coincidence?

[seinfeld-today]

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry does a commercial for Skechers so he adds a pair of their hands-free slip-ins to his sneaker rotation

[DISCLAIMER: This post is not sponsored by Sketchers, although I sincerely wish it was. Sketchers, give me a call, we can work something out.]

Honestly someone would've probably written the size down wrong when Jerry was filling out the paperwork, so he'd end up getting shoes that are a solid 3 inches too big for him and hate every second of it. He has to say he loves them when people ask, but the second Jerry's contract is up he gives them to Kramer and never thinks about it again.

[seinfeld-today]

George thinks that Kramer likes him romantically and keeps trying to get proof by catching Kramer off guard which makes Kramer think that George likes him. Elaine and Jerry both get tinder and Elaine keeps matching with Peterman but she doesn’t know how and Jerry matches with a girl who he thinks is his crush from 5th grade and keeps trying to figure out if she really is that girl.

Do we think Peterman would be open to the idea of workplace relations, or would he try to not openly bang one of his senior writers?

Also I think George would probably develop some amount of real feelings for Kramer as the episode went on, but find out that Kramer has no feelings for him at the end and have to bury them right next to the memories of his childhood and the guilt he feels for Susan.

[seinfeld-today]

Elaine accidentally becomes a more popular comedian than Jerry when she starts posting TikToks venting about her dating life

Jerry gets pissed off because Elaine isn't even trying to be funny in her videos. She just happens to phrase her genuine frustrations in perfect Tumblr Accent™ and her followers eat it up.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer and Newman compete to win the Nathan’s hotdog eating contest. George’s father wants a “destination funeral.” The guy at the security desk only tells Elaine she “looks nice today” when her hair is straightened. Jerry gets banned from Uber.

Frank would leave George explicit instructions to schedule his funeral for a day that would inconvenience Morty Seinfeld as much as humanly possible. It'd be his final act of petty revenge.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer finds a Death Note from Hot Topic on the ground and opens a business called “Kira’s Euthanasia Services.” Several angry customers return after not passing away in their sleep. Kramer gets arrested for medical fraud and practicing without a license.

Does this make Newman into this universe's L?

I'll see myself out.

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry discovers Gen Z audiences don’t find his standup funny and begins imitating John Mulaney, Bo Burnham, and other comedians in order to win them over. George struggles to understand the plot of Everything, Everywhere, All at Once after watching it with his girlfriend. Elaine gets kicked out of an Italian restaurant for eating pasta “wrong.” Kramer converts to a religion he mistakenly thinks is Mormonism. Jerry gets ratioed on Twitter by Ayo Edebiri

George temporarily achieves enlightenment on his third rewatch of the film before falling asleep on the couch after a sugar crash, forgetting every secret he had just learned about the universe.

Also whatever scam Kramer is getting into has to be better than actually becoming a Mormon, let's not kid ourselves here.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer invents his own cryptocurrency. George buys a Tesla. Jerry gets offended when people claim an impressionist sounds more like him than he does. Elaine pretends to be her own fictitious sister to try and catch her boyfriend cheating

For the span of a few short hours, Kramer is technically a millionaire; up until the point where he gets cancelled on Twitter and goes from KramerKoin being the most valued currency on earth to being rightfully valued at 3 cents per Koin.

[seinfeld-today]

Kramer agonizes Hamlet-style over whether to assassinate Donald Trump because he doesn’t want to be cliché

I like to think this is entirely removed from the A Plot until the end of the episode, where the other three have the movie George has spent the entire episode trying to find on Streaming interrupted by breaking news of the event. As the footage cuts just before the "Disturbing Imagery," they're amazed to see Kramer's smiling face in the crowd a la Black Ops 1.

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry does a routine about how easy it is to lie to your doctor to get drugs, despite never having attempted this himself. Elaine starts taking dog medicine out of curiosity and becomes addicted to it. Kramer and George accidentally switch medications with each other and develop new personalities. Jerry repeatedly falls to obtain frivolous prescriptions from his doctor.

People draw comparisons with the The Chicken Roaster with how Jason Alexander and Michael Richards end up playing each other's characters for an episode.

[seinfeld-today]

George’s astrology-believing girlfriend sees something bad happening in his future. Elaine’s boyfriend has opinions about iphones v. androids. Jerry’s car gets broken into but only one thing is taken. Kramer distrusts ring cameras placed around the building.

All of the gum in Jerry's car is also chewed up and spit back into the container, leaving him to believe this was a targeted attack against him specifically.

[seinfeld-today]

Jerry gets accused of stealing jokes from Tumblr posts. George dates a Tumblr user and enlists the help of Kramer, who has been banned from Tumblr multiple times and still going strong, to translate his girlfriend's weird Tumblrspeak. Elaine deletes her Instagram account and moves to Tumblr, then complains that Tumblr isn't more like Instagram.

Kramer's list of account obituaries include

Account terminated after False Flag Callout Posts

Marked NSFW by mistake and never fixed

Account terminated after posting the photoset that has one of Elaine's nipples in it

Lost the password for an account with 40,000 followers