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[seinesthesia]

Friday, Aug. 2, 2024.

Oh wow… it’s almost been a year. To be honest, i completely forgot about this.

So a lot has happened. I broke out of my depressive episode, and started taking medication for anxiety, depression, and psychosis. It’s had some side effects; I’m taking Latuda and Prozac. Namely, I can’t be in the song for too long. It’s also affected my synesthesia.

In May, my mom and I sent an email to the American Synesthesia Association, asking a few questions about synesthesia, including why my colors for sounds haven’t returned. Carol Steen responded very helpfully, and gave us resources to look at, like the Synesthesia List, which I’ve subscribed to. She explained that medication, such as antipsychotics, can sometimes alter or remove forms of synesthesia, and that it goes back to normal once I go off them. Good to know!

I think I mentioned way back when that it’s easier to deal with noise now that the visual aspect isn’t overwhelming me. While that’s still true, I think I’ve also made a lot of progress in dealing with overstimulation and loud noise. I’m not in marching band, but I still volunteer, and now I can handle being close when I do assistant DM duties.

Beyond synesthesia, I’ve gained a growing interest in the complex mind and in psychology, and I’d love to do something in that field when I’m older.

I’ve often wondered about the mind, about the new people I meet and what their voices would sound like if I wasn’t on my medication. But I’ve had other struggles, other battles of health that make my missing colors less of a concern and more a passing thought. I won’t go into detail, as they’re not relevant, but all I can say is that people have been kind.

[seinesthesia]

Monday, Oct. 30, 2023.

Band is odd without my colors. It’s still beautiful, but it’s less… I don’t know, less of everything. Less overwhelming. Less of a masterpiece. Even though nothing about it has changed. My depression’s been hitting me really hard these past few days; I haven’t had the energy or will to do anything. I think about how much mental illness has stolen from me; my colors, my energy. But there’s a strange sort of beauty in the quiet.

I don’t get as overwhelmed now.

[seinesthesia]

Monday, Oct. 23, 2023.

This might not be the best way to start this, but I’ve been in a depressive episode that’s lasted a few months now. Due to this, some of the types of synesthesia I experience have gone away. “Gone into hiding”, is what my mami says. Because they’ll come back. I just need to get better.

So far, my chromesthesia only has the sky-blue-lined rainbow of the piano and the golden bursts of the trumpet returned, plus the orange of a siren I heard last Wednesday. For the numbers, they haven’t gone away; though for letters, a lot of the consonants in English have left, except for the lavender ‘n’ and the ‘ñ’ in Spanish.

I don’t know if anxiety affects synesthesia, but it’s a little easier to walk the overwhelming school halls now that I have one less thing crowding my vision.

This is a personal way to record my experience; who knows, maybe it’ll help someone out in the future. Ay least, it helps me now.