seibseib-blog

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From throwing clothes across the floor To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you If this is all we're living for Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore? I used to recognize myself It's funny how reflections change When we're becoming something else I think it's time to walk away So come on, let it go, just let it be Why don't you be you, and I'll be me? Everything that's broke, leave it to the breeze Why don't you be you, and I'll be me? And I'll be me Tryna fit your hand inside of mine When we know it just don't belong Cause no force on earth could make it feel right, no no Tryna push this problem up the hill When it's just too heavy to hold I think now's the time to let it slide

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My old friend I can't spend my whole life dreaming Though I know thats all I seem inclined to do I ain't getting any younger And I wanna start brand new I need space. And fresh air Let 'em laugh in my face. I don't care Save my place- I'll be there Just be real is all I'm asking Not some painting in my head Cause I'm dead if I can't count on you today

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Oh, and after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become 'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is I wish you farewell I hope you're somewhere praying, praying I hope your soul is changing, changing I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, praying I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again And you said that I was done Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come 'Cause I can make it on my own And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known I've been thrown out, I've been burned When I'm finished, they won't even know your name You brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is I wish you farewell I hope you're somewhere praying, praying I hope your soul is changing, changing I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, praying

Kesha - never thought I’d be quoting her, but she is so strong and inspiring. This song really deeply moves me and made me relate hardcore <3

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I’ve missed your calls for months it seems Don’t realize how mean I can be ‘Cause I can sometimes treat the people That I love like jewelry 'Cause I can change my mind each day I didn’t mean to try you on But I still know your birthday And your mother’s favorite song So I’m sorry to my unknown lover Sorry that I can’t believe that anybody ever really Starts to fall in love with me Sorry to my unknown lover Sorry I could be so blind Didn’t mean to leave you And all of the things that we had behind I run away when things are good And never really understood The way you laid your eyes on me In ways that no one ever could And so it seems I broke your heart My ignorance has struck again I failed to see it from the start And tore you open 'til the end And I’m sorry to my unknown lover Sorry that I can’t believe that anybody ever really Starts to fall in love with me Sorry to my unknown lover Sorry I could be so blind Didn’t mean to leave you And all of the things that we had behind

Halsey, but I could swear my ex wrote this to me...

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Anxiety Diary - helps so much!

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How I Deal

I’m really glad that the issues of anxiety and depression have been discussed more and more in this day and age. A lot of people used to not understand or even believe this existed. But I can tell you, from my experiences and my discussions with friends about their experiences, it is real. It can be completely debilitating. Usually, it isn’t for me, and on the daily I might feel a bit of anxiety but have done so much research on how to manage and cope. But recently, an awful thing happened to me and I have been worried that it might be too much for me, but thinking about it with a more clear head now - I can deal with it plus the regular stress of daily life. It might be a challenge but it’s manageable. Some people might think that anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, benzos and their favorite “Wellness” boards on Pinterest are all it takes. Let me tell you, it’s not that simple. I feel almost like an expert now. So I’ve made a list here on how to cope/manage with anxiety, because if you do not cope or deal with it or acknowledge it and just push it down: it will get worse. *I’m no medical professional*...but here are some things that help me (broken down into levels of anxiety).

Daily Anxiety

1. Download a meditation app, a great one is Headspace for guided 10 min meditations. I used to think that to meditate I had to be in a dark room surrounded by candles - but not true. I do this in Ubers and even on the subway, it’s especially helpful for work. Throw in your headphones on your morning commute, close your eyes and meditate - focus on your breathing.

2. Learn about breathing. If your anxious, your breathing can be all over the place, leading to erratic heartbeats - aka more anxiety. So - according to leafTV who put it in a more articulate way than me: Standardize your breathing technique. During meditation, some people inhale and exhale through their nose, some inhale through their nose and use their mouth to exhale and some both inhale and exhale through the mouth. Choose whichever you prefer, but stick to it for the whole session! Regulate your breathing. And this doesn’t have to JUST be during meditation. If you’re at your desk and freaking out about something, close your eyes for a minute and standardize your breathing - take deep breaths. The Apple Watch has a dopeeee “Breathe” app that guides you through deep breathing literally just for a minute. Trust me, it helps!

3. Get outside if you can. A walk around the block will suffice.

4. Watch funny shit on YouTube, take your mind off of whatever you’re worrying about for a few min.

5. Try not to procrastinate. Something as simple as planning my outfit for the next day or packing/setting out my purse ready to go takes away from the stress/rush from the mornings.

6. Books or music. Try to cutdown on your TV and internet consumption just a bit. Trust me, it helps - ESPECIALLY before bed. We all know there are scientific studies about this.

7, At night, put your phone on a dresser or desk, not your nightstand or in your bed. So you’re not tempted to look at it in the middle of the night (the screen can fuck up your brains ability to rest...and then if you’re like me you won’t watch one YouTube video and find yourself an hour later having watched about 10 more) - then also in the morning you’ll have to get up to shut off your alarm. *Ruggie is also a really dope invention, it’s like a bath mat/rug that has an alarm clock in it that you have to stand on for a certain amount of time before it stops, then you can add in affirmations and stuff to play afterward. Warning though, they have limited colors (blue and white) and get dirty easy. I can’t wait for a black cover option.

8. Some of us, A LOT of us, are on daily antidepressants (SSRI’s) and that’s chill. Just make sure to keep your usage consistent because skipping doses or going off it cold turkey (ESPECIALLY DO NOT DO THIS) can seriously fuck you up and mess with your head. If you want to change meds or your dosage, you HAVE to talk to your doctors to do it safely. I once had to go off mine cold turkey when I lost my insurance and I can tell you it was the WORST HELL OF MY LIFE. I’m talking constant fatigue, insomnia, much heightened anxiety so bad I couldn’t leave my house. Trust me, avoid this situation as much as possible.

9. An essential oil diffuser. This helps a lot. You can easily purchase a cheap diffuser off of Amazon, get some lavender oil (make sure it’s 100% therapeutic grade) and diffuse lavender at night. Lavender has INSANE benefits, including sleep benefits. Then if you start to love it as much as I do, explore other essential oils and their usages (orange and lemon to help with energy, peppermint for nausea, rose to help with depression and anxiety, etc.) There are blends that help with headaches and also physical aches and pains. If you’re like me, you’ll become obsessed.

10. Living things. Recently i got a couple of plants and a betta fish. Having living things around you to take care of and that are relatively easy to take care of (let’s not jump into getting a puppy or kitten) but require consistent care (I do all of this on weekends) is proven to be beneficial to the soul: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/urban-mindfulness/200903/plants-make-you-feel-better

11. Vitamins and electrolytes. Make sure to take a multivitamin every day. Magnesium is also great to help for sleep. Valerian Root is fab for anxiety and also sleep. St. John’s Wort is great for a natural anti-depressant, but be careful with this and ask your doctor if you are already on an SSRI because too much serotonin can cause serious health problems. Omega 3′s are also being shown to help aid in fighting depression and keeping your brain healthy (plus it’s obvi heart healthy!) Also, make sure your electrolytes are in order - I get a big pack of Pedialyte boxes with packets to drop into water. I have one once a day (don’t take too much - as there is such thing as too much. Once a day should be good along with regular water consumption.)

12. Movement! Even if it’s a walk around the block, a full on workout, a couple min of yoga, a couple min on a stationary bike, a walk around the city. Get moving, get fresh air and depression/anxiety-fighting endorphins,

Anxiety Attacks

1. Meditate (if you can) and regulate your breathing more than usual. Apps like Headspace have an SOS button that is specifically for anxiety attacks. Just. Breathe.

2. Visit AnxietyCoach.com. There are great resources there to help explain the root of these attacks - and how you WILL be ok. Reading through these sites will help give you many tools.

3. Fill out the Anxiety Attack Journal - it may seem weird at first, but trust me, it can really help. Here’s a link: http://seibseib.tumblr.com/post/161416020719/anxiety-diary-helps-so-much

4. Remove yourself from the situation if possible - you’re in control.

5. Remember: THIS. WILL. PASS. You are not in imminent danger. Chant that to yourself. THIS. WILL PASS. THIS. WILL PASS. This has been a small yet AMAZING tool for me.

6. Remember your mental health is more important than work. Take a mental health day if you need to. Light some candles, lay down, read, meditate - whatever you find comforting.

7. If this becomes a constant occurrence, make your own Anxiety Workbook. Write down Things to Do (tailored to yourself and what’s helped you before), Things to Remember - whatever you think is best. Then I also printed out a bunch of blank Anxiety Attack Journal pages to put in there. Print it all out and throw it in a binder -boom here’s your own personalized Anxiety Workbook.

8. As a last resort, if you are prescribed benzos and have symptoms enough where you are hyperventilating, feel like you’re going to have a heart attack, it’s ok to use these - but only as prescribed. Being addicted to these wreaks havoc on your body, so please be careful with your usage - but they can be very helpful if literally nothing else is working and sometimes that can be the case.

I hope these things work! I will continue to update if I think of more or get any feedback.

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my essential essential oils

About a year or so ago, my mom started talking to me about essential oils and all of their benefits. I have to admit, I was skeptical. How can oils completely replace medicine?  How can oils treat my depression? How are they anything else besides perfume or a room freshener? Well, now after some experience, I have to say I’m a convert. I’m definitely not as big of a believer as my mom, and I still take my tried-and-true Excedrin for a headache, I still take my antidepressant and I still take my sleep aid. BUT, I have no doubts that they have benefits. One of the biggest benefits is diffusing them. It’s like an air freshener, but better. Playing around with my favorite combo’s is fun, and I’ve found my perfect one: 3 parts rose oil (expensive AF but you can find some good options on Amazon, just make sure they are therapeutic grade and read reviews for any red flags about its authenticity), 2 parts neroli oil (same disclaimer as rose oil, hey, I have expensive taste) and 1 part lavender. I have this combo diffusing at almost any time I can. It is soothing, makes my room a beautiful place to be and it is calming. I always have this going when I go to bed. Rose oil helps with energy balance and emotional balance, because let’s face it - who isn’t calmed and kind of warmed when they smell roses? It’s even said to be an antidepressant. Neroli is good for emotional balance and mental clarity. I love diffusing neroli when I’m working at home, it just seems to help me flow. It’s actually also said to be an antidepressant AND an aphrodisiac (next time I have my guy over, I’ll diffuse it and let ya know ;) ) Then there is lavender. Lavender is the holy grail of essential oils that can be used for SO. MUCH. So much that I can’t even get into all of its benefits but I’ll tell you why I like it. First, it’s relaxing AF. Coming home from a stressful day in the city, lavender helps my inner New Yorker release its clenched fists. It also helps balance you in your emotions - it’s happy, it’s relaxing - it smooths you out. It helps relieve tension, which is why it is a staple next to my bathtub. I always sprinkle in a few drops before a bath and it honestly makes a difference in my relaxation. I also have a second bottle I keep on my nightstand, because even though it doesn’t completely cure my headaches, there’s no denying I feel better after rubbing some on my temples. Lastly, my FAVORITE USE for lavender oil - my face. I know, oil on skin seems like I’m begging for a breakout. But in the last year or so I started developing ultra-dry, scaly and red patches on my cheeks. I self-diagnosed myself with rosacea, when I read that lavender oil is amazing for skin irritations. HOLY SHIT PEOPLE. My skin on my cheeks has never been better. Before I tried lavender oil, I tried everything: heavy duty serums, argan oil, heavy duty moisturizers, moisturizing masks - these things kiiiiinda helped but I could still see these scaly patches when I put on my makeup. It was infuriating and embarrassing. Then that fateful day after desperately googling for a cure, I saw the suggestion of lavender oil. It felt odd at first, putting oil on my skin. But it melted in nice and silky. I thought after the first use, wow this felt better than most of the other things I tried and it didn’t give me that skincare burn we put ourselves through because “that means it’s working”, Imma keep going. After using it for two weeks, my scales were gone. My skin was supple and more evenly-toned than ever. Literally people, my skin has NEVER. BEEN. BETTER. I have an oily t-zone, but even so, after I rub the lavender oil on my cheeks I take the small amount still left on my hands and lightly rub it on my t-zone. So far, no breakouts and more supple skin. It’s safe to say I’m obsessed with lavender oil. I order bottles and bottles at a time and easily have three or four bottles around my house and in my bag at all times. It is...ESSENTIAL *badum tss* I can’t recommend it enough. If you have any dry red skin like I did, I beg of you to try it and see. I dabbed a tiny bit of it on top of a huge pimple I had that was dried out so much on top (it was so hard to not peel off the skin) and it healed much more quickly and nicely than previous pimples. Any skin irritation, I try lavender oil and I’ve never had any bad outcomes. I’m wondering if it will work on my KP on my arms, but that’s going to take a while to see results so I’ll let you all know on that! Ok, I’m done with my lavender rant for now. My last two oils that I love are peppermint and lemon. Peppermint is amazing for rubbing on the temples with some lavender for headaches. Really any muscle ache. It has a menthol effect and helps cool the angriness. Also, when I’m super congested in my nose, I’ll put a tiny dab underneath my nostrils and it helps them open up. I have to warn you though, use TINY amounts of peppermint oil. I made the mistake of using too much a few times and my eyes were watering for hours. I don’t usually diffuse it though. OK - lastly. Lemon oil. Lemon oil is amazing for energy. It is great for the mornings when you don’t have any motivation to get up. I love diffusing lemon and neroli together when I’m working and feeling sluggish. It feels like it’s opening up my brain and waking up my senses. Plus, it smells amazing. Ok...I’m done with my essential oil rants. Like I said, I don’t live and die by them, but I can’t deny that they have immense benefits. If you want to use them topically, test out a small patch first or use it with a carrier oil. I’ve never had problems using them without carrier oils, but you never know. So that’s my two cents - go and get diffusin’!

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My friends have a new video out - it is awesome!! If you don’t smile at all during it...you’re weird.

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looking for that high

The one thing I’m looking forward to, probably above everything else, with my back on the mend is being able to be as active as I want again. My favorite thing I used to do was box. I LOVE boxing. It kept me in the best shape, plus punching the shit out of stuff is the best stress reliever ever. 

I’ve had to give up being active for almost six whole years. I have had a few months here and there where I pushed myself to be as active as I used to be, but it ended up aggravating my injuries to an unbearable degree and I would always get yelled at by my doctors. In my head, I thought being active would help - you always hear that being as active as possible helps people recover. I asked my doctors this, but they said it’s just not the case for me. My discs haven’t gone anywhere, so every time I overexert myself it’s as if I’m working out on the same day the discs popped out of place. I’m limited to very small physical therapy exercises to strengthen my abdominal wall - but the movements are so small and tiny they barely qualify as “exercise” and doing too many of these leaves me in the fetal position in pain. I’ve even been banned from sitting up for too long. Sitting! Thankfully with my new treatments, this is changing.

Not being able bodied has taken such a toll on me - physically and mentally. I don’t get as many endorphins as I used to and I miss that post-workout high. Plus, being almost completely bed-ridden is depressing. Pain is depressing. My body changing due to not being active is depressing. Putting on weight after being so active and athletic my entire life was depressing. I’ve gotten help for this as well, and have thankfully been able to be more accepting of my situation, and myself in general. I feel happy every. single. day! Some days are harder than others, but I’ve come a long way. Plus, I know things are going to drastically change for the better soon.

I know once I get the go-ahead to resume my old activities, it’s going to be rough at first. I’m not anywhere near where I used to be. But I’m sure I’ll get addicted to that endorphin high again...I’m itching for it now.

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LKL

Today is Leslie’s birthday. I haven’t sat down and thought of her in a while...and since I worked from home today I was able to. I miss the hell out of this woman.

Leslie is my best friend Anne’s mom, but she was also a mom to me. In high school, my mother was in the hospital for almost an entire year. My dad has a high-stress job so he was always working, or he was at the hospital with my mom. My sister was out of state in college. I had school so I had lots of homework to do and couldn’t always be at the hospital with my mom. I was completely alone at my house a lot. That year taught me how to be really independent and to fend for myself. But I was definitely scared and lonely. It was touch and go for a while with my mom, she actually died in surgery for a few minutes but they were able to resuscitate her thankfully.

Leslie would knock on the door of our house all the time, unannounced, with four course meals in her hands. She would have me stay over at her house with Anne so she could look after me. She would just come over and check on me if she had the time. Leslie was fighting a recurrence of breast cancer through all of this. As she got worse, she still would do all of this for me. She would go visit my mom in the hospital, and was so exhausted when she finally got to my mom’s room (Loyola is a huge hospital) that she would get in bed and lay there with my mom.

I will never forget the look Leslie gave me while she was in hospice and I showed her the tiny tattoo I got on my foot. I will also never forget that one of her wishes for me was to still help Anne pick out clothes and jewelry when she couldn’t anymore (a nice vote of confidence in my fashion sense :) ) 

I miss her a lot, but I know how proud she would be of me, my mom, and obviously of Anne and the rest of their family. I try to live by what she would always tell me, Anne, her family and everyone who knew her: be kind, be smart.

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here’s where i’m going to try and put into words what i’ve been dealing with for the last 6 years

So I’m going on 6 years now since I started getting treated for my back. A lot of people (including doctors) ask me, “So how did you initially hurt your back?” Honestly, I don’t know. It was summer and I was working at Coach, standing on concrete floor for 8 hours a day. I just figured it was being on my feet for so long on a terrible floor, wearing terrible ballet flats with no support. I worked through it until I ended up in the fetal position with searing pain in my lower back and my legs totally numb. 

My mom had her spine surgically straightened a few years prior because she had severe scoliosis (that was compressing her spine and literally causing her to become shorter) and my father is a medical malpractice defense lawyer, so we thankfully know many doctors who specialize in this type of thing. I went in, got examined, got lots of X-rays and MRI’s and then was told I have two severely herniated discs that are degenerating and tearing plus scoliosis (which is genetic.) “How did you injure your back like this?” they asked me. I have no effing idea! I think I would have gone in if I had known I was injured. Fast forward through the next three years and you’ll see a bevy of narcotics, muscle relaxers and epidural steroid injections that were all just band-aids. On top of that, (as mentioned in a previous post) I was almost completely bed-ridden, in pain and depressed. Not to mention I had to give up all forms of activity and exercise (I literally couldn’t walk down the block), and the pain killers completely killed my metabolism so even though I was eating a healthy diet to make up for it, I put on weight. I’d been so athletic my entire life that going through this much change in my body was extremely jarring, and quite honestly, depressing. Then I got put on anti-depressants that come with a whole other set of side effects. YAY THIS IS SO FUN.

After five years of school (I had to add on an extra year since I wasn’t physically able to go to class most days), I graduated and decided to move to New York, not only for some amazing job opportunities, but also because New York has some of the best hospitals in the entire world. Everyone I ever talked to told me I needed to go to the Hospital for Special Surgery, so I managed to get in after only a week or two of being in the city. After I met my doctor, I knew I was in the right place. He is so incredibly nice, genuinely interested in my life and how I’m doing, and he will actually call me himself. That sounds weird, but every single one of my prior doctors would never directly talk to me on the phone if I was having a flare up or needed something - I would talk to a nurse who would then talk to him, and then relayed all of that back to me. That sure made me feel important. I remember the first time my HSS doctor called me, I was SHOCKED to hear his voice. 

Another extremely refreshing thing about my doctor at HSS, is that he is always willing to try different things. I had been through the same treatments for years, yet they just kept doing the same thing over and over and over. He even sent me to a surgeon, which is something no one seemed to want to do. It was kind of sad to me how excited I was to be speaking to a surgeon. I would give anything to not be in pain for one day, and if surgery was going to do that, then so be it. 

The surgeon looked at my MRI’s and then told me the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard: “The surgery could make your back better, but it could make it worse.” Unfortunately, it’s not just him - other people agree with how my discs are, surgery is not a sure-fire way to help. Again, it was kind of sad to me how upset I was that I couldn’t get surgery. Not to sound whiny, but I spent the entire weekend crying because I was convinced that I would never be pain free ever again, and that this cycle would never end.

But my doctor at HSS has not given up on me! I’ve been getting multiple injections at once, in different locations, which has helped immensely. However, it’s still not a fix. But, BUTTT - I finally have a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully) thanks to my doctor’s clinical trial for IDET. IDET is intradiscal electrothermal therapy - fancy, right? It’s a treatment that many doctors have been using for cases like mine, where surgery may not be the best option but everything else has not worked. It’s a hard procedure to explain, but basically a heating device and catheter are inserted into my spine, directly into the affected areas to break down nerve fibers, strengthen disc tissue and close the tears on the discs. Cool, huh? I will have to take a few weeks off of work, so I need to figure out the right time when to do this (mama’s gotta pay rent.) As soon as I do, I’ll be first in line at their office in the morning ready for them to sedate me and shove those devices in my spine. Then, hopefully after the success of that, I will probably have a surgery. Not to be crass, but after I had to stop working out, my boobs got huge and I would really like them to go away, and that has not happened naturally so surgery is my next option. (Please don’t be one of the guys who has said that I should “never make my tits smaller” and then quoted “Superbad” at me to say “That’s like slapping God in the face!” - like, please just don’t.) The possibility of not being in pain almost brings me to (happy) tears.

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the joy of tax return season

(If only it was actually “free”) This tax return season is da besss! One credit card got completely paid off a few days ago, and now with this return I can finally get a new laptop (I’m so sick of getting the response, “Oh, so you have the old MacBook?” when I call Apple) and pay off another big chunk of my remaining three cards (why did I open so many credit cards?) After doing the math, I figured out I will be able to pay off ALL of my credit cards within the year. YEEE. I feel like an actual, slightly responsible adult now. Watch out.

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babe i wanna drink you in like oxygen

By far my favorite song from Sia’s new album!

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meditation station

I’ve been meditating for a few years and have been experimenting with different techniques: music, silence, candles, essential oil diffuser, complete darkness, etc. But I’ve recently had a revelation: it doesn’t matter! All that matters is that I’m feeling some positive effects from it - which I am. I think everyone gets so caught up with trying to completely clear their minds, which is so hard to do, that their stress about not achieving thoughtlessness ruins their meditation. Thoughtlessness is so hard! I used to beat myself up over thinking a lot during meditation, but that completely defeats the purpose. A yoga teacher once to me to imagine putting my thoughts in a box and to keep it closed while meditating. As weird as that sounds, it honestly helped. I still have thoughts that creep into my head while I do it, but as long as they are positive and grateful thoughts I’m fine with it. It’s all about clearing the mind from negativity. Or just go full Ron Swanson and let your mind go completely blank...the beautiful thing is that it’s your choice!

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A must-watch for anyone who lived in Columbia - in case none of you knew how terribly corrupt our justice system is, the corruption is VERY present in good ol’ CoMo (...and they show my graduation in this haha)

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Shit...I’m an adult

The fact that I’m supposed to be an actual, functioning adult woman is becoming harder and harder to ignore. I’ve always thought of myself as a mature person, but there is definitely a difference between maturity and actual adulthood. I have a RETIREMENT plan. I have HEALTH INSURANCE. Wut. Sure I may have those two things, but I have no idea how they actually work. When I talked to my spinal specialist today, who informed me that their office doesn’t accept my new insurance and that my epidural injections cost $4,000 a pop -my face looked exactly like the above. I can barely afford my bills - how in the hell am I supposed to afford an injection that’s 4 grand, multiple times per year? At the same time though, I realize I’m lucky to have insurance and a retirement plan at all. Not too shabby for a 25 year old. I’m just going to have to take this adult thing one step at a time...

PS - can you tell that Parks and Rec is my favorite show on earth yet?

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Never gets old...