seekingsanta

[seekingsanta]

I think straight up manual labor has been the most rewarding because you can plainly see results and the movement is good for you.

In the long term I don’t think people can work full-time until the age of say, someone in administrative though that’s hard to tell for certain.

The cement is hard on your feet and knees. The environment is usually hardly climate controlled. The quotas are becoming more demanding and I think it’s painful for anyone to be on their feet all day long.

There have been times, especially when I first started out picking order, that I felt like my feet would feel better if I just hacked them off. I have terribly flat feet and always have arch pain regardless of any shoes or inserts (which I couldn’t afford then anyways.) I wore an old, beat pair of all black Nike sneakers with the ankle strap. I never have known sneakers all that well. Later others of course… plantar fasciitis.

Not just when I worked there did I have such issues though for different reasons. Wearing cheap heels on the tile in the cosmetics department for an event all day (so it would have been so noticeable to change,) I have seriously felt like I could not take another step.

This brings me to life lesson #1— always bring an extra pair of shoes. Style and tediousness at your own discretion. They can be equally beautiful, but rub raw the other parts of your foot then the former. You see? The point is to get less severe blisters on more parts of your feet. ;-o

Actually not entirely impractical for someone who finds all shoes uncomfortable 🥴

[seekingsanta]

“You don’t get to tell me no.”

- a silly boy

[seekingsanta]

You know how you give someone your phone to show them a picture and they suddenly feel compelled to start swiping your shit?!

I tell people, even family members, especially family members, that they need to use caution when snooping through my photos because they might see something they’d rather not.

The danger is real.

[seekingsanta]

My mom came to visit me and she said I radiated light. Bald and in some raggedy blue plaid pj pants. I work with what I can.

[seekingsanta]

When I was a teenager into adulthood I would often feel embarrassed because I’d sweat so much under my arms my shirt got wet from it. I’d try to remember to keep my arms down so no one could see

[seekingsanta]

Sadist fucker would eat all these homemade desserts that had chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, some kind of white chocolate bar from the inner most circle of hell 😉 He’d make some concoction and then I swear, he’d act so disapprovingly that I was having any when he didn’t think I was thin enough. Then later on I started eating a bigger serving just to annoy him even more. He bitched at me for eating a salad later at night because “dressing has calories.”

I looked at him and said “do you want to live?”

I gained more and more and it bothered him but I didn’t give a shit anymore. Fuck him. But you see you don’t start “working on yourself” until after you ahem, escape. If they see you improving yourself they will surely make it more difficult or even dangerous for you to leave with warning them.

There’s just certain things that a person can’t take, won’t take it anymore. Every one of us has a different threshold and I think we’ve all suffered at least some form of injustice. ?

[seekingsanta]

It might make you feel genuinely so spectacular, yet there are always societal conflicts.

Whose rules are you following?

If you really think about what they are saying, does this truly make sense to anybody?

[seekingsanta]

The has been so many objections to fighting and war but the people don’t have control, do they? Do you?

[seekingsanta]

I’m so afraid to admit that maybe it is not that they want me to be happy but want me to stay quiet.

I’m not a child you can plop in front of a television.

[seekingsanta]

Every part of you will feel trapped and desperate. You will want to escape but you must rise above. Consider it a crappy hiatus where you meet all kinds of interesting people. My advice is to take advantage of the care. They might watch nearly your every move. Yes they bother you, shine a flashlight in your face during their rounds. Annoying but I’m a heavy sleeper.

Make getting a shower a ritual and ask for new clothes (hopefully the paper scrubs and not the gown.) It’s really the only time you can be alone— unless you want to shave… probably not worth it.

Read, don’t bother with makeup or any of that because no one cares and looking pretty won’t benefit you.

If something is fucked up, don’t freak out. Wait until you can be calm. Always speak to the head nurse or a physician when you have your sessions.

You can ask your psychiatrist for special privileges such as decaf coffee at breakfast or using an exercise, outside, or game area if they have it.

If you want to be discharged sooner, go to the groups and activities

Color at least one Spider-Man or the likes. It passes time, allows observation, and makes great bookmarks.

[seekingsanta]

When we were walking around downtown there was an older woman in a wheelchair. I noticed she was an amputee. She held a cardboard sign. I had reserved a five dollar bill to give to someone in need so I gave it to her. Her name was Carrie.

She said she was thankful because she was so hungry and we parted ways. We went across to a clothing store they wanted to see and I couldn’t stop thinking of it. I searched for nearby places I could grab something for her. Nothing. Only nicer restaurants within two blocks.

I felt so determined I looked at the menus and found a pub that looked fine. I went out and down to it and the guy said it would take less than 10. I let him know and I waited inside. It was a turkey, avocado club sandwich with various aioli sauce because that’s a thing now.

I watched them standing in the other side of the street for me and I can’t say it was in an impatient manner but it definitely wasn’t a pleased demeanor. Even though we weren’t on any kind of schedule, I started to feel nervous. It wasn’t “oh that was a nice thing to do” but “why are you doing that?” I took the sandwich and iced water over to her and they stayed in the same spot.

I talked to Carrie for a minute and just told her “keep on trying.” She was so thankful for the cold water and meal.

I walked back to them and said nothing. They said nothing.

[seekingsanta]

Maybe practicality should reign king, but I could never grasp being so singular about life.

[seekingsanta]

Arguing a point is awesome if it’s done for the sake of progress and understanding.

[seekingsanta]

I am not good at letting people sink their own ship but I’m going to try harder to release myself from the burden. I can’t save them.

[seekingsanta]

I am referring to suffering not struggling.

[seekingsanta]

I woke up so sad this morning. I must try hard now to focus on completing my art.

[seekingsanta]

I can feel the sorrow. I see the sorrow within no matter how well disguised. I am always drawn to those who don’t see their own beauty.