secretsofthe-soul

[secretsofthe-soul]

Empath Problems

February 20th, 2019

Today is my daddy's anniversary of his passing and it's hard but I try not to think about it... but maybe that's not the best way to cope either because I hold all of my pain in just to explode at random given times when it all decides to resurface at once. It's so frustrating dealing with all of these emotions at such a deep level- I feel so strongly for everything. My problems, the problems of others, world problems, earth problems... animal problems... Why do I take in so much pain from every direction? It drains me of all my energy.

[secretsofthe-soul]

The things I wish I could have said.. 💔

Tuesday February 19th, 2019

9:45ish pm

Dear Daddy, I'm writing to you because I wish you were here to speak with in person... I miss your advice, your humor, your smile, your compassion every single day. I know we had our ups and downs as I was growing up but I truly couldn't have asked for a better loving father and I wish I would have expressed it to you more. I know I shouldn't but I live with so many regrets every day on the things I should have said & done and the hurtful things I said & did when I was younger... I want to tell you how sorry I truly am and how much I wish I could take it all back and show you how I truly feel, and that's how appreciative I am of you and the positive impact you had in my life.

I wouldn't be the 25 year old woman I am today without your influence, your guidance, your love. You taught me so many valuable lessons in life and I never really got a chance to say Thank You Daddy. I love and miss you every day, more than any words can explain and I hope you can hear these thoughts where you are and how much i miss your presence in my life. I will be strong for you, just know I love you so much and not a day goes by when I don't wish you were here. I'm sorry for everything.

✴Current Thoughts:

August 2019

I remember the pain in my heart and deep in my soul when I began writing this in February... The feeling of my dear father passing a year prior and my whole world being flipped upside down. So many words left unsaid, so many meaningful hugs I wouldn't be able to cherish anymore.. Only a distant memory I'll pray never fades. I was always a daddy's girl, but momma left to Florida when I was 2 after separating with my dad over booze.. From then on my time with him was limited- a summer here, or a school year there but as much as I wanted to be with him the alcohol pushed me away and I left back to Florida with mom every time... wishing it didn't have to be like that. It broke my heart and there's so much time in between I wish I could get back with him. There's so many fights as a hormonal teenager where I said things I never meant... There's pain I caused him, being his only child, he should have never experienced. I was a troubled, confused young girl with a daddy who loved me more than life itself yet I was so selfish and reserved in my mind that I never showed him how special he really was to me...

As I grew older our relationship became much better and I moved to Virginia full time, but lived separately. But not long after I was finally established I was given the news he had Sorosis of the liver... I was worried but the doc said if he put the alcohol down he would live quite some time unscathed by the disease... I watched him quit drinking, I watched him come out and ride my horses, watched him reunite with old friends and sit around and joke and laugh without worrying about things getting out of hand- for the first time he was relaxed without the beer because he knew life depended on it. I watched my dad look at me with clear eyes and a new found happiness in the closeness we shared more than ever. We remained that way for a few years, we had hope...

Until the day he came by my moms to visit me, sat in the recliner and asked me to sit with him. Oddly enough. I was 22 I think. I'm not a very physically affectionate person but I went and sat there on his leg confused while he held me. I felt something was off and it was like a nightmare those moments before he spoke. He said "You know I love you Monkey..... I wanted to tell you in person that I have cancer sweetie.... Terminal liver cancer." My entire existence ceased and I couldn't say a word, I just burst into tears as I laid my head on his shoulder. The tears flooded his eyes as we sat there and that's when I knew this was more serious than anyone could possibly comprehend. He held me as if I were still 5 years old on his lap. I'll always be his little girl, his monkey, he'd always say- and there I was. That was the first time in many years i got that close to my father and shared that type of emotion with him and it partially makes me feel horrible because why couldn't I do that before I knew he was dying? Why did I waste the time? Why was I so introverted to the point any physical contact from anyone including family felt uncomfortable? He was my favorite person in this entire world, no doubt in my mind, but I don't think HE knew it for himself and THAT'S what kills me. I had so much love I just didn't know how to show it. I spent those last two years dropping everything for my daddy making sure he was always comfortable and righting my wrongs for the time lost all those years before... But still it's hard to accept even for myself because I'm always going to feel like there was more i could have done.

The entry I wrote just a few month's ago allowed me to face the thought of my dad by speaking directly to him in a sense, because for a year after his passing I numbed my mind and body with opiates so i didn't have to think about it. After getting clean the thoughts flooded my mind uncontrollably and writing it was my only way of facing my emotions after being numb for so long.. But even in writing I didn't dig deep into my soul to confront that pain.. I was scared to relive the details. My regrets; that moment I found out he was dying on his lap; the hatred for myself over everything I could have done differently in his end days.... I never faced it until THIS VERY MOMENT sitting here elaborating the original entry on Tumblr of all places. I've never spoke in this much detail about it with anyone, not even my journal, because of the pain it caused me.. But here I am... Finally speaking on aspects that I've been avoiding for a year and a half since he left me. Progress.

Yours truly,

Daddy's Monkey🐵

💞If you've ever lost someone comment how you cope with grief. Let's allow healing energy & acceptance into our hearts and cherish the memories we DO have with those we have lost and start appreciating those still in our lives today. Tomorrow is never promised, it's never too late to show someone you care. 💞

[secretsofthe-soul]

Preface Poetry

"When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great Heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.

I come into the presence of still water,

and I feel above me the day blind stars waiting with their light.

For a time I rest in the grace of the world,

and am free."

-Wendell Berry

Current thoughts from me:

~This poem is from a book I keep close called Earth Magic by Steven D. Farmer about ancient shamanic wisdom and when you open my most recent journal it's the very first thing written behind the cover for the earth is such an important daily aspect to me and I need it's natural, raw state to energize me to move forward through the chaos of mankind. Hug a tree today and let it's beauty and comfort flow through you... Walk barefoot and let the ground beneath your feet instill you with positive energy, and water the flowers giving back to the bees and the butterflies just as they've given so much to you. Leave your phone at home and go sit by the creek and watch as you notice that even without a human in sight there's still life all around you... And it's beautiful if you look closely.

💚Please comment your favorite natural place to free your mind, add pictures if possible, and why you appreciate it so much. Mother Earth needs more recognition for all she provides, both seen and unseen.. But always felt💚

Signed,

A Soul Searching Woman

[secretsofthe-soul]

The Purpose

I'm making this anonymous blog to share my deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets; my trials and tribulations; moments of raw love, hate, agony, happiness, sadness, fear, compassion....

From heartbreak to breaking hearts, to blood, spit, and sweat, to smiles and tears and every adventure and fucked up scenario I've found myself in- every experience is a lesson, good or bad and I finally want to share them with the world for those who also find beauty in the flaws of being simply human, to show others a different way of life and hopefully relate with the like minded to prove you're not alone.

Either way, these thoughts are being derived AS IS right from the journals I've been keeping since I was 10 years old to the present day at 25 years old. No one's eyes have ever laid upon the pages of the many books I have accumulated because I HIDE NOTHING FROM MYSELF. I've been writing for years without the thought anyone would ever see the secrets within... But I'm finally allowing that energy to flow into the hearts of others if you're willing to listen... Maybe it can help you.. Or maybe it will make you feel something outside of your comfort zone... I hope if anything you laugh at my mistakes and hard earned lessons and enjoy the shit show.

Tune in each day for a new journal entry, some long, some short, some will make no sense at all and others will make you question everything you thought you knew. I hope that you understand by the end of this that there is no understanding the complexity of the human mind and the power within us to feel at such great measures and vibrations within the universe... Just ride that wave of energy and leave room for acceptance of others around you.

Thank you, sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood lost soul 🖤