secretagentmirah

[secretagentmirah]

Bbs 🖤

Four years ago, I wrote about how my firstborn rolled over for the first time. The joy of being a first-time mum never left me, so fast forward to 2022, here I am -- now a mother of two.

Isa came into my life when I had so many questions about my self worth -- I was searching for my life's true purpose. I was questioning my ability to love and be loved. I was not lost -- it felt more like I had forgotten my way home. Despite all that, I am grateful. Ibrahim was my anchor, for he had helped me make sense of things even when I resisted all means of logic.

Life's hurdles, coupled with the uncertainties around Covid at that time, made things worse. I was living in fear. We were living in fear. Amid all that, still, God found a way to knock some sense into me -- and He gifted me another soul to make realise how strong I could be, if I tried.

Sept 2022, Isa is almost 2 now. A total opposite of Ibrahim, but also the same fiery, full energy tiny human like his 哥哥.

Oh to write about what unfolded during my absence here could take forever lol So, here's hoping I could write more, dig up the words from the pit of my belly, and spit them all out here for me to always go back to, when I have to, when I need to.

Toodles, x

[secretagentmirah]

The Forgotten

The sun shines

But the emptiness remains.

What used to be your shrine,

Now just a forgotten temple in ruins.

[secretagentmirah]

The first time he rolled over, my heart felt like it was going to explode — just a year ago, he was a tiny seed in my womb, and now, a growing baby with wants and needs. Nothing compares to that feeling of knowing that despite your flaws and all, an innocent little human loves you unconditionally and will forever (hopefully) see you as someone special and above anyone else :)

[secretagentmirah]

Baby’s first real laughter yang macam budak besar 😭😭😭 crying. Brb

[secretagentmirah]

After SEVEN freaking months of not singing in front of people, Tilu (my band, biasa2 je for fun) finally hit the stage last night for a couple of songs. It was nice, considering how much I wanted to perform again (pregnancy, confinement, postbaby, I need tad bit of fun to keep my sanity intact luls). Wish we could do this more often but my bandmates have all moved on to something bigger, better. Nice to know that they’re willing to say yes to last night’s show :3 Okay, lepas ni mama nyanyi untuk Ibrahim je k. Tak bayar pun tak apa, layan je mak awak ni. Next!

[secretagentmirah]

HELLO, 4 YEARS LATER!

Omg, I can’t believe I own this blog, why did I start this? well, based on my super old posts from another old tumblr acc, I am 200% sure that this blog was set up to show that I’ve moved on from a bad breakup, haha! Reading my old posts (not here tho) I just feel like I have to create a time machine just so that I could turn back time, give my old self a tight slap and tell her not to be a whiny bitch -- that heartbreaks are bound to happen, that her plan to lose weight will never materialise because to hell with those collarbones, now in 2017, we have super goddess Ashley Graham to remind us that beautiful women come in different sizes and most importantly, it’s  the heart that makes a person beautiful, not the face (well, there’s always makeup to make you pretty tho luls). Soooooo, fast forward 4 years later, here I am.

A 27-year-old MOTHER (yes, I’m married, hence, you won’t be seeing me posting emo shit about boys etcetc like I used to back when I was 21 haha) to a beautiful baby, you can call him Ibrahim. 

Still a nerve wreck, but at least, with a purpose.

So many things happened, I don’t know where to start! Okay,  here goes,

We’re gonna have some fun here :)

(oh, tried to recover the old acc, but I forgot my passwords for that acc, and the email used for that acc too,stoopid)

[secretagentmirah]

Let her wear a crown made of red red roses. She will give her best smile to the crowd and they will tell her she is lovely. But what about those thorns that pierce her skin?

[secretagentmirah]

This on repeat.

[secretagentmirah]

Blood Roses

You said to me.

You love me/want me/care for me.

But you freaking lied.

All you care about is.

Point your 'gun' to me and 'shoot'.

I am the country you conquered.

You undressed me. 

Marked me. Here and there.

Mapping your territory.

You grabbed. Groped.

Pushed. Licked. More pushing.

You are the authority.

I am the subjection.

You said to me.

This is love. Not lust.

But why am I constantly finding ways

to escape from your ruling?

Your dictatorship is bruising me.

Every morning.

I wake up with blood roses blooming

beneath my skin. 

Indicating where you have sinned.

These blood roses.

On my thighs.

Up here. Down there.

One day.

These blood roses will save me.

These blood roses with 

wild thorns of my desire to escape this

will hurt you real bad.

Because the next time you touch me.

You will bleed.

And when you do.

I will be a free country.

There will be no more bruises.

Maybe tomorrow.

You'll be nothing more but a damned King

[secretagentmirah]

Just-a-phase-kinda-girl

Just-a-phase-kinda girl.

    Why worry too much when you have the whole world waiting for you?

  Why the sad face and troubled heart when there are so many things to be explored, loved, and cherished?

  Just-a-phase-kinda girl.

    You worry over trifles,

and make yourself look silly, feel silly, sound silly.

  Why love too much when there is nothing in return

that you can grasp,

or feel,

or breathe in?

  You know,

the heart that you fill with all the passion in the world

needs some rest too.

  Just-a-phase-kinda girl,

Maybe you exist in this world to show people

the true beauty of what their lives lack of.

You are like all the wonderful, crazy and beautiful colors added together.

Tangerine, cobalt blue, neon pink, candy green, canary yellow, fire engine red.

And these colors are the colors that they need to see the world the way you see it.

      Just-a-phase-kinda girl.

  Its okay to be part of a person's past and present.

Future is a big word.

And big words are no good for you.

  Too naive to comprehend.

But never too dumb to let them break you.

The heart is your only weapon,

guard it well.

  Don't be like the China cups, don't be breakable.

  Just let them see, how beautiful their lives can be, with you as the flower that furnishes

the present, if not the future.

  Be a powerful flower,

that will forever bloom in their hearts and minds.

  And maybe one day, just-a-phase-kinda girl,

  they will look back and say,

"Maybe, just maybe, she is the right one for me"

    Love you always, my metal queen