sebnavarro-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[sebnavarro-blog1]

{sebastian navarro as captain cassian andor}

{we don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where to care about something}

[sebnavarro-blog1]

if you ask me if i am fluent / i will tell you my Spanish is understanding that there are stories / that will always be out of my reach / there are people / who will never fit together the way that i wanted them to / there are letters / that will always stay / silent / there are some words that will always escape / me.

Melissa Lozada-Oliva, from “You Know How to Say Arroz con Pollo but Not What You Are,” peluda (via lifeinpoetry)

[sebnavarro-blog1]

Sometimes being in the position that he’s in makes him forget--or maybe it’s a conscious decision, that’s a dilemma for another day, that he’s just as young and stupid as his players are--or at least he has a right to be. He used to be the guy that would say what Brayden is saying to him right now, to take the win in stride and deal with the specifics on another day, that life was too short and all that jazz. He doesn’t really want to know who’s lurking in a hotel bar at this hour of the morning, and he’s not entirely sure that Brayden is going to last much more than a couple more minutes before he completely passes out, but it’s the thought that counts. That’s the whole point, he’s got plenty of steam that he could serve to blow off, and even though he and Brayden would never be bar hopping friends even outside of this situation, he’s offering and Sebastian isn’t in a position to refuse. “All right, all right. But you’re already pretty wasted, and  am so not hauling your unconscious body to the bus or whatever. So water for you.” 

He puts a hand on the striker’s shoulder to steady him as they walk to the few feet to the entrance of the bar, manages to settle them both on stools with only a few awry looks from the staff. “I don’t even know what to drink, when did I just let myself become so--lame?” He laughs gently and scrubs a hand over his face, worries his bottom lip between his teeth as he examines a menu. “You’ve been at it already tonight, do some coaching of your own and rerun the favor.” It’s a far cry from a packed to the brim LA nightclub like he used to do when celebrations were called for, and since he became a coach he hasn’t really felt like it was his place to be in the middle of things. It’s just easier to remove himself and be--that guy. 

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“Y’know, I hadn’t really thought about why that much--it was just something I did.” He laughs gently and bites his bottom lip, shakes his head. “But my mom, she could never sleep either? And she was always into cooking and making things--she used to make her own tea mixes.” He’s made a pointed effort to not think about it, to keep only what he thought important close to his chest--the rest lost it’s meaning the minute he was forced to chose between his sister and his parents. Every so often he finds things that his brain just kept without really considering why, maybe that he decided somewhere were too painful to really consider. He doesn't think about it now, just smiles warmly and shrugs his shoulders. “Sentiment doesn't make it taste better though.” 

He moves past it, thinks maybe he should tell Noah about it later, or maybe he’ll just leave it in the back of his mind, try not to pick it up again. “It’s hard--I don’t quite know how to just let things go like that. If there’s something I can do I want to do it, even though in this case I don’t think that there is anything that I can.” He shrugs his shoulders again and sighs, pushing a hand through his hair. “You’re right though, I should step away for the rest of the--day, I guess. I haven’t even thought about going to find Noah yet.” He rubs his palms into his eyes, as if it will scrub some of the weight away. He bites his lip and chuckles when she mentions that they need him at his best. “It’s you guys who do the work, I mean, you’re playing a new position and doing a great job. I mean, there’s only so much coaching I can do there. How are you feeling about it, by the way?” 

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“I mean, don’t flatter yourself that much, my circle is pretty small.” It’s said in teasing, but it’s kind of astounding to him that he’s sitting at this table at an insane hour of the morning with someone he would feel comfortable calling his friend, not just one of his players. He’s never been good at fostering these kinds of relationships, he’s always had a built in best friend in the form of a twin sister, and then it was easy to say his teammates at USC were his friends--they were the people he saw every day and the people he trusted with the game that he loved. After that--it was just easier to learn to be by himself, focus on coaching. He’s kind of glad that’s changing, he’s kind of glad there’s some truth to the statement that he would put Akira up there. “And I did meet Jeremy Knox, so you’d have to come behind him.” 

“It used to really bother me, that there were long stretches of games where no one could find it in them to be happy about wins.” He shrugs his shoulders and smiles warmly, puts a hand on his own leg to stop it from moving. He’s a mixture of anxious energy and complete exhaustion, the only thing he’s been able to bring himself to do to expel it in some way is move in place like this. “But it’s just so much harder for us, we have to work three times as hard to be taken seriously and it feels like--we’re admitting everyone was right, when it doesn’t go according to plan.” 

“Hey, we played pretty damn well. I coached the hell out of you guys.” He laughs and shakes his head when Akira mentions that the team got cocky. “Your head was exactly where it should have been.” 

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“Honestly? I don’t really care what you’re doing, just seemed like the thing to do.” He shrugs his shoulders when Brayden starts complaining about being questioned, rolls his eyes without a lot of heat behind it. “Besides, I’d fall over dead if you listened to me about something that wasn’t directly related to Exy. And it doesn’t take a genius to see what you’re doing up at this hour.” He wonders what Wymack or Brandon might do in this situation, and then reminds himself that he is neither of them and can--do whatever he thinks is best here. Even if he has no idea what that is at the moment, and has no idea what to do with Brayden on a good day completely stone cold sober. So far the best solution has been to stay out of it and stick to strictly Exy, but it feels like he should supply--something else here. 

“Watching film makes me feel--calmer, I guess. I had a lot on my mind and I decided I’d rather focus on this one thing.” He shrugs his shoulders again and exhales, wonders how long this is going to last when Brayden can’t even really hold his eye contact. He’s going to make the striker run so many laps if he has to carry a passed out fully grown athlete back up to his hotel room, run shooting drills until the paint on his racquet wears off. “And it was hardly a sound win, there were a lot of problems that need fixing and fixing them is kind of my job. If we can score enough goals, I think that’ll take some of the pressure off of the defense--” He stops himself mid thought and sighs, pushing a hand through his hair. “You don’t really care, I’m guessing.” 

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“You’re like an angel,” He groans and grabs eagerly for the cup that gets set in front of him, immediately feeling more like a human being as the warm liquid goes through him and inspires some kind of life. “An angel with an alien tattoo and anger problem. If I weren’t committed I’d kiss you on the mouth.” He knows Teddy well enough not to question why he’s up at this hour, the Fox is prone to waiting until exhaustion hits him full in the face before he actually stops to sleep for any amount of time. On this occasion Sebastian is grateful to have a friendly face sitting in front of him, especially one that knows him well enough to bring him caffeine and draw him out of his own head before he can start--or continue in this case, to second guess himself to the point of obsession. 

“I mean, I already couldn’t sleep, at the time it seemed more like a two birds one stone thing.” He sighs and takes another sip, folds his arms across his chest and leans back in his chair. “I just don’t like feeling like there’s nothing I can do. If I stop, I’m only gonna think about how much I could be doing to fix things, even though I know that burning out isn’t gonna do anything either. It’s all a real Catch-22.” That’s how his whole life functions, if he keeps moving he can fix things, he can stop at some unidentified point in the future that he’s too scared to think about. That’s how he played Exy, that’s how he kept himself and his twin sister from drowning when they were on their own, and that’s how coaching works in his head. 

“I still haven’t really fixed anything, just reminded myself that I still don’t know anything about defense.” 

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“Don’t pretend like you weren’t in ulcer territory watching Casey play out there tonight.” He rolls his eyes with fondness as he watches his roommate unceremoniously pour a handful of M&M’s into his mouth. “I think I was having a proxy ulcer for you, since I don’t really have to worry about Noah cheering.” That’s a generous statement of course, he feels like he’s sparing a glance over his shoulder more often than he should be during games--but if Noah has noticed he hasn’t thought it important enough to mention. He gestures for Joel to take the chair across from him, holds out a hand so that Joel can pour a couple of the candies into his palm. 

“I can’t fix the defense y’know?” He says when Joel raises an eyebrow like he’s waiting for Sebastian to lay out the problem. “Yeah, my offense kind of let up in the second half but we took it to halftime with a lead and one of my guys put it in the net in the end. If I can--I don’t know, push it further and keep the pressure on my end it might help in some way.” He rolls his eyes and taps his fingers against the lid of his laptop, shrugging his shoulders. “But instead I just wasted a night I think, because I don’t have any ideas and--yeah.” 

[sebnavarro-blog1]

“I forgive you, truth be told I don’t even really like coffee anyway.” He laughs gently and shrugs his shoulders, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. “It just seems like the kind of thing someone would want so early in the morning, especially if they haven’t gone to bed yet, which I haven’t. I’m a tea drinker.” There’s some in a paper cup sitting next to him that has long since gone cold, back when this endeavor was only going to be an hour or two long and he was going to curl up next to Noah and resolutely forget about Exy. It’s not the first time that he’s been incredibly grateful that his boyfriend understands that he has a hard time stopping once he gets started, it’s not the first time he’s just been incredibly grateful for that boy in his life. 

Marley teases him and he clamps a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter, rolls his eyes. Her look quickly melts into something closer to actual concern, and he sighs gently. “We won, and we scored a lot of goals, and I’m proud of that effort. But there were also a lot of holes, and it’s frustrating because there’s only so much I can do to fix them. All I can do is try and make my side of things better, which is what I was trying to do.” He gestures towards the laptop and shrugs again, a small smile on his lips for her sake if nothing else. “Unfortunately I think I’m past the point of being able to form coherent thoughts about Exy. After a while it’s just someone on a screen running around in circles.” 

[sebnavarro-blog1]

He’s beyond grateful that it’s Akira sitting in front of him right now, even if the striker is giving him a look that is telegraphing that he’s an idiot for working himself into the ground like this. It’s true, and that’s why they’re friends. “Well unfortunately now I’m going to die, just like--right here and right now because there isn’t enough caffeine in the world.” He rolls his eyes and groans exaggeratedly. He scrubs at his eyes in a futile attempt to work the headache away, or push it to the back of his brain or something, push everything that he’s been trying to think through all night back there with it, but nothing happens and he still has a secondary pulse beating. “I’m glad it was you here at the end of all things, if it couldn’t be like--my boyfriend or family.” 

Akira asks him what he’s still doing awake and he sighs, pushes his hand through his hair. “Simple answer? I couldn’t sleep either. Overtime and stuff like that kind of has the opposite affect on me, it just gets me more jacked up and energized rather than zapping it all out of me.” Akira is one of the only Foxes that he would apply the label of actual friend to, rather than just a player who’s obligated to listen to what Sebastian has to say, which is why he doesn't struggle as much with actually laying out what’s wrong. He’s still a little bit hesitant--there’s nothing that Akira can do differently and it isn’t his job to worry about the things that Sebastian has to worry about. “Longer answer, tonight wasn’t as clean as it should have been on both sides, so I thought I would take a crack at seeing what I could do differently.” 

He shrugs his shoulders and sighs again, taps his fingers against the table. “I’ve been watching a hell of a lot of film and I still don’t have a real answer.” 

[sebnavarro-blog1]

It’s long past time since he should have gone to sleep, but he’s still awake and sitting at a table in the lobby of the hotel with his laptop open, playing game footage on what feels like and endless loop at this point. He has a headache blooming behind his eyes, he’s had one ever since he came off the court--his offense had provided a lead going into halftime and one of his strikers had won the game ultimately, but it had been by the skin of their teeth ultimately. He can't fix the defense, he wouldn’t know where to start, but if he can just--find some way to create enough offense to take the pressure off--he sighs and lets his head rest in his hands, drags his fingers through his hair. For the fifteenth time the player on the screen plants his feet and pulls to his opposite side, and he still doesn’t know what to do with that information. 

He stretches his arms over his head and groans, leaning back in his chair until the back legs are the only ones on the ground. He hears footsteps coming towards him and blinks his eyes a couple of times to make them focus, closes the lid of his laptop. “Unless you have enough coffee to make me forget my name and or a secret Exy playbook with all of the answers, I’m gonna have to ask why you’re still up.” He says with a small smile, even though he feels frayed at the edges. “Coach and all of that.” 

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“You didn’t have to get me anything,” He protests, and feels his cheeks heat up because he knows that he’s about to say something incredibly saccharine. But he means it where Noah’s concerned, and sometimes the only way to express that your life felt only half complete and like it was speeding towards some kind of--well--end, is to say it. And Noah deserves to hear that he’s the most important person in Sebastian’s world outside of the people related to him by blood, it infuriates him to no end that he hasn't been around since the dawn of time to tell the world that Noah Nakamura is in it--that everyone else can go home, Sebastian is done looking. “I spent my last birthday working, and not on Exy or anything, just--trying to survive. Now, I have a whole day to spend with you, doing nothing if that’s what we want. That’s--more than enough.” He doesn’t meet Noah’s eyes, just traces his hand up Pretzel’s tail as the cat decides that the space between them is perfectly warm and cozy. 

“That’s a really lame way of saying you’re my gift, little sparrow.” He laughs and buries his face in Noah’s hair, soft and falling around his jaw since he’s out of practice. “A gift every damn day love.” He laughs gently and presses a kiss to the crown of his head, moves his face down so that he can press his nose behind his boyfriend’s ear just enough to make him start squirming and giggling. He’s selfish, he knows it--he’s spent the better part of 23 years doing whatever he can to hear that laugh, musical and chiming and a signal that the person he loves is happy and free for a moment. “But whatever you got me, I already love it, and thank you.” 

[sebnavarro-blog1]

Sebastian doesn’t get annoyed easily, he’s generally pretty accepting of--well whatever life throws at him. Things happen, that’s fine. But tonight he’s thoroughly annoyed, and he doesn't know what to do with it. The problems tonight were not on his offense, he took them into halftime with a lead and he still feels like he’s going to get raked over the coals when the Monday coaches meetings come around. Tonight he's not going to think about any of it, he’s going to find Noah and he’s going to think about his life outside of this stupid game that he’s signed his soul away to, this thing that feels like it takes and takes more than it gives lately. 

He heads towards the hotel room his boyfriend is staying in, an old red USC hoodie pulled up as his own kind of rebellion-not-rebellion, a weak attempt, but something considering he doesn’t want to make a habit of it. He’s typing out a text message--halfway through coming over, please distract me from when a voice that he recognizes draws his attention from the screen of his phone. He’s kind of glad to see Lukas, if not just for the fact that he can point him in the direction of the person that he really wants to see--because he probably has a viable distraction of his own tucked in his back pocket. 

“Hey,” He says in acknowledgement and tucks his phone in his pocket, shrugs his shoulders at the question poised by the Vixen. “I mean, I’m annoyed as hell, but I don’t want to be. I was gonna find Noah, but there’s a hot chance he’s checking up on Casey or Cam or something. So, food?” 

The mood was, once again, off for a victory, but for once Lukas decided he didn’t care. If the Foxes wanted to pout about a victory again, then so be it. Sure, he knew it hadn’t been the game they wanted to play, but to him, they’d gotten the outcome they wanted, and that was enough for him. He, personally, was in a fantastic mood. He’d been texting Piper every now and then since her surprise visit, just attempting to guide her through whatever was happening with her parents, and he’d finally managed to make the coolest girl in the world his girlfriend. Now the Foxes had won, they were in a hotel with no supervision, and nobody wanted to do anything? He found that very hard to believe, and was sure he could find someone willing to get into some trouble with him. Or even just hang out; he was so over the gloom and doom he’d settle for zero trouble for once.

It didn’t take him long to bump into someone but he wasn’t the best at reading people’s moods. He flashed them a grin. “Hey! Quick question, are you moping right now? Because if you’re not I’m bored and hungry. If you are, well…” he trailed off for a moment, smirking. “You’re on your own with that one.”

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He can’t quite get over the feeling that he’s being judged, sized up for his worthiness to be with this person so adored by so many people. He doesn’t always feel like he is deserving of it--he knows that he’s flighty and is easily swept up in his work, that given an inch he’s all too willing to take a mile. But that’s the beauty of it, since he has asked that boy in the coffee shop on a date he’s set himself on a path to being better continually. He wants to be the person that Vivian or any of Noah’s sisters can look at and approve of. Because what he lacks personally? He more than makes up for in absolute devotion. “He’s got a good eye for things like that, he doesn’t give himself enough credit but he absolutely has an artistic streak.” He smiles fondly and finds the Vixen out in the crowd of people, always true north. “He takes these amazing photographs and I’m the only one who ever sees them.” 

He turns his attention back to the Vixen captain when she speaks again and feels his cheeks color just slightly as he shrugs his shoulders. “I mean, there’s only one person I really have eyes for, but I’ve had to politely decline a couple of offers. The girl over there? In the purple? Has been staring at me all night.” He sets his drink down on the table and raises an eyebrow, grinning. “Well, what about dancing with the best offensive specialist in the whole district? Noah’s even taught me a thing or two so he’s not completely embarrassed to dance with me.” 

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“Considering one of their assistant coaches just asked me to translate the lyrics to “Despacito” for him, I’m inclined to agree with you.” Sebastian rolls his eyes and sighs, taking a long pull from his drink. He’s pulling double duty tonight, assistant coach with one eye on the door to make sure no one is escaping this, and attentive boyfriend and date to Noah, and it’s entirely more exhausting than he had anticipated. Certain things are making up for it, he still owes his boyfriend a slow dance and the Vixen has an incredible sense of rhythm--Sebastian is perfectly content watching him with some of his teammates for the time being. It’s easy, considering the rest of the room has a tendency to fade away when the Vixen is in it. 

“You guys did an amazing job by the way.” He smiles warmly and turns his gaze to Vivian next to him. “You’d have no idea this was an Exy court.” He tries to make a concerned effort to be nice to all of Noah’s teammates, but he’ll freely admit that the Captain scares him just a little bit. But tonight seems like a good night to get into her good graces. “Has anyone asked you to dance yet?” 

Vivian had spent a good majority of her week planning the decorations of the Banquet. The head cheerleader didn’t have any clear relationship with the Exy coach but Wymack was pretty clueless about event planning. Luckily for him , Vivian had been on the Event Planning Committee in high school. Now finally at the event, Vivian surveys her surroundings delighted that it didn’t look too shabby. 

Shimmery silver dress does plenty to accentuate her features and the Vixen certainly knows it. Catching one of the Ravens giving her a lewd stare, Vivian gives a secretive middle finger before downing her drink and facing the person closest to her.”Honestly I don’t think the Ravens are far enough. We should have put them in the car park or near the bins so the garbagemen don’t forget to collect them too.”

[sebnavarro-blog1]

“Might be an improvement, actually.” The grin threatens to split his face as he moves and folds himself up on the couch next to where Noah is sitting, and it definitely does when his boyfriend fits into him with ease, resting his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. He’d be perfectly content to spend the day like this, with the person he loves comfortable next to him, perhaps the best year of his life behind him. It’s a miracle in and of itself--he and been so certain he would just burn himself out one day because he wanted and wanted and wanted, and was forever running towards something he would never get to, but here he is--perfectly content to waste a day listening to the soft sounds of his boyfriend breathing, relishing in the spots where skin comes into contact with skin. He busies himself happily trailing kisses down the tendon in Noah’s neck, to the space where his shirt hangs just lose enough that he can sink his teeth gently into the space where neck and shoulder meet. 

“A whole day with you? Might be the best gift of the whole day.” He hums and watches as Pretzel slinks past them, steadily ignores the hand that Sebastian reaches out towards the cat. “And there’s some stiff competition, I also get Marina for the whole weekend and Ari gave me my abuela’s recipe for empanadas.” It had been their agreement when they came to Palmetto, that every year they would try and give each other a gift that kept their beginnings in mind; even if it wasn’t something they were ever going to go back to, Marina deserved to know where she came from, and both Sebastian and Ari still held affection for their home. “Am I still young and handsome enough for you, hermosa luz de mi vida?” 

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“I think you guys are all Brandon’s responsibility when Wymack isn’t around.” He says and shakes his head, grateful that his words seem to have settled the Fox somewhat. “So yeah, break all you want. Though, the paperwork will probably fall to Lydia and she really doesn’t deserve that, so keep that in mind.” He smiles warmly and shrugs his shoulders, leans against the wall. He doesn’t really know if he should leave, let Akira work through his stuff and just check back in in the morning or something, or if he should offer himself as a distraction. It feels like he doesn’t know how to do this anymore, he’s spent so long with just his sister and his niece being the only people in his world, and then being a part of and a part from the Foxes, that he doesn't know if he’s approaching this friendship thing with too much enthusiasm. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” He asks finally, wraps his fingers around the strap of his gym bag. “If you want to be alone I’ll go, but--” He shrugs his shoulders again and smiles again, cocks his head towards his room down the hall. “If you want something to distract you we can hang out or something. Noah’s down at the party I think, so I’m on my own for the evening.” Ever since they met during the summer and he had driven with the Fox to a grocery store on the other side of Palmetto, just so Akira could avoid being seen by people, he’s tried to help the Fox have more fun--fun where he doesn’t have to worry about everyone else for once. But he also knows that it’s harder than it looks to take the step outside of yourself. “I’ve got the old Batman and Robin movie to watch, it’s terrible in all the best ways.”