seashells273

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I don’t know where to go now

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Maybe I never will. Learning the truth is so hard to contain myself.

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Just to be hurt again.

Another round,

Another,

Until “Hey, here we go again”

You know,

“Just to be hurt again”

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I never forget those stormy nights that I kept myself safe under the street lights with wet clothe, empty stomach & lost soul.

Today you see me again with crooked smile with the truth only me knows that it wasn’t me.

Sweet right? But I know deep inside me it was bitter. I gulp to let it pass with worthless tears racing down my cheeks.

Now, these roads are darker than anything I had walked, rough than any face I ever touched, more droughts than love has ever rained.

I know these roads becomes so quiet ‘cause it was silenced by the daunting lust, greed & recklessness. Hope is too fragile to hold the dreams. Often, it’s broken once I’m awaken by reality again.

Blown by the wind of the sailors to whoever have known where? Destinationless but to shore? Do I need to be there ‘cause would you care?

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I tried to reach, making friends, but at the end of the day, they all left & being alone is the worst feeling.

Me

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Reasons

1. Loneliness

2. Depression

3. Self doubt

4. Broke

5. Vitiligo

6. No love

[seashells273]

Im literally broke, lonely no love & under pressure.

Mom, im sorry... I tried to stay alive but it just getting worse.

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Been wanting to go, I wish it was easy...

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— Am I a bad person thinking about the end way too much?

Im feeling tired, worthless..

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I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

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You are a friend... but you crossed your lines & now you’re behind bars. Fate.

Me

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Vocalising

- im addicted to train my voice. Is that I don’t have a place to practice, so most my training sessions usually be in my car.

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How do you know it’ll be today?

I dont ‘cause in my head, It happens every time. I’m scared. I just don’t know where should I turn into. The sense of being tired and hopeless everyday & how things turn out really put me in my deepest thought. Maybe I can’t fit here.

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Trying to fit in.

Me: Literally I gave up.

Sam: Well, will you think of other way if someone’s loving you?

Me: Depends, it depends on how I think of them.

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The truth

Jim: How are you?

Me: Thinking about of being just dead. I feel like I’m giving up this life.

Jim: Why is that?

Me: I feel hopeless, lonely and undesirable. I’m battling the same feeling everyday and I’m tired of it.

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I’ll just let it be, I won’t be struggling anymore looking for perfection.

I’ll just let it be, because it doesn’t matter how far I look for it, it’ll eventually got wasted.

I’ll just let it be, because it’ll rule days and nights, I’ll hold on to the flaw, I’ll embrace it.

Ill just let it be, because I’ll admit I’m just the worst person who knows nothing how to live this life and knows nothing to be better at something.

I’ll just let it be, becoming the person that has lost everything. In this edgeless loneliness and sadness, still I want to see how it ends.

[seashells273]

They held me in the immigration office ‘cause the found my suicide note.

July 2nd, 19 — I should’ve been dead by now but here I am.