sdumpdiary

[sdumpdiary]

[sdumpdiary]

diary entry 01

I wasn’t sure of what to post as my first entry in this dump diary but since I view this diary as a way to remember starting the life i’ve been dreaming to live, i will start with me reaching my dream of becoming a doctor.

I have always joked about having no one to blame but myself on why I ended up having sleepless nights and unpaid / underpaid labor as a medical student / intern. I did not come from a family of doctors nor did I have any person or big thing influence me. The dream and calling was all… me! Going through medical school all whilst under a pandemic was not how I imagined it to be. It was definitely harder and lots of tears were shed. But before I knew it, I was in the hospital as a clerk slaving away, then I was graduating from medical school. After which, a year of internship also passed and the board exam anxiety kicked in.

Board review season came along and it was a gruelling 2 months of non-stop studying. My schedule was packed and I followed it as much as I can. I would wake up at 6AM to make breakfast, start my video lectures and handout at 7AM. Take my lunch at 12-1PM. Start studying again by 1PM til about 10PM at night. Sometimes my friend and I would go to a café or a study hub and we would spend the entire day studying. That went on for 2 months everyday. Even on my scheduled rest days, I would squeeze in 4-6 hrs of studying. Moreover, what I think I did right was that I made sure I slept around 6 hrs every night which was a huge factor to why I was able to study well during the day. I also took necessary mini breaks in between.

I had a total of 2 breakdowns while reviewing and 1 breakdown in the middle of boards. The latter breakdown was after day 3 of the exams wherein I encountered one of the most difficult exams in my life (the board exam in general was pretty fucking hard). It made me lose confidence in myself and I actually thought that maybe there’s a chance that I won’t make it. And that broke me.

Waiting for the results was even more painful because I would have bouts of anxiety attacks whenever I would get triggered by anything boards related. Then it happened: Oct 19 at 12:30AM, the results were released. I was in my condo unit alone and asleep. I purposely slept through it because the wait was killing me. I got multiple missed calls from my boyfriend and my cousin who was all the way in UAE. I woke up to answer my bf’s call and heard “congratulations doktora”. And all I did was smile in disbelief and all I felt was happiness. It did not soak in at that moment still. I hurriedly called my family to wake them up and tell them about the news that they have been waiting for for days. My mom cried tears of joy and my dad and siblings all congratulated me. It was surreal, at that moment I felt relief. I felt as if I gave back the most precious thing I could back to my parents. All of the breakdowns, the endless coffees, the numerous dried up highlighters were all worth it. I did it. This time, I can say that I really did it.