screamsmeared - Tumblr blog

[screamsmeared]

BAD DAYS WERE BECOMING MORE COMMON THAN GOOD ONES. she still hadn't been able to compartmentalize about her death. and... related circumstances. she felt like a failure. that, at least, was more familiar. the heartbreak stung much worse. it swarmed her like a dark cloud, dulling her senses. she didn't notice zeke right away. "oh, i'm sorry," she started, returning to herself. "yes, that's me. most people here just call me perez." not peter. but that was different. she really, really didn't want to think about peter. "i... have we met before?" (@fcdcdmcmories)

ZEKE FELT AS IF ... AS IF EVERYTHING HAD GONE TO SHIT . was that the case? was he about to lose his shit completely? maybe . there was no one in here that he knew . there was no one in here that he could ever care about and ... yes , he despised every second of that, as far as he was concerned." wait ... i know you," curiosity passed his expression, as he observed the other. "perez, right? lindsey?" (@screamsmeared)

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"ME NEITHER," HE ADMITTED GRIMLY. optimism had never been his flavor of living and never would be. he had lived a miserable life—more miserable than he knew—and would likely die a miserable death. that was all there was to it in a miserable world. the dog would have been better off dying in surgery. asleep. why even think about the dog? he let the coffee he was offered scald his tongue for the offense, trying to bring his mind out of that fog. no such luck. "that's good. i'm sure it'll be... fine." after a pause, he mumbled, "expensive." (@fcdcdmcmories)

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M PROBABLY NOT THE BEST PERSON FOR THAT," mateo was not optimistic. he couldn't remember the last time that something had actually gone his way and the last time that it had been .. a good thing. no, he didn't have any good things anymore, as far as he knew. he was all out of those and it seemed as if he would continue to be out of them and .. that was that. "but that is going to make two of us. here you go, man." handing the other a cup of coffee, as he nodded slightly. "she is.. she is the best that we have here." much better than he had ever been at doing ... well, anything. right? (@screamsmeared)

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"I KNOW A LOT OF MONSTERS..." her confidence faltered—she remembered knowing a lot of monsters. heard that she had knew plenty for real from other people. but how much of what she knew could reflect reality? maybe the people she knew, the people she remembered knowing, didn't even exist in this world... "but if everything is his fault, why blame yourself?" feelings didn't always make sense. lindsey could acknowledge that. her own often felt like a tangled mess, an ugly thing she had to hide at all costs—or be devalued the instant she didn't. it was difficult to move away from that even outside of the workplace. "royally fucking up doesn't make you irredeemable. otherwise all of us would be." she got the feeling that there were things parker would have liked to say that he couldn't, wouldn't say—some part that might help her understand. still, she didn't pry. she only tried to offer support. "i... don't really remember. i just know things that people have told me. most of what... well, i remember things that happened to other people, mostly." (@fcdcdmcmories)

"YOU DON'T KNOW THE SAME KIND OF MONSTER THAN I DO, THEN." and in a way, he was glad. he was glad that no one else had to deal with finn pederson in the way that he had, because ... the other was a different kind of monster. the kind of monster that he didn't wish upon anyone, because .. of course not. "everything is his fault. every single bad thing that has .. ever happened. you have no idea what he has done to people, lindsey. he is ... he is a monster." and as far as parker was concerned? there was no one worse than him and never had been. what he was doing to his own kid.. "doing the wrong things? yeah, it's.. that's the understatement of the year. the right thing to say would be that i royally fucked up and might have lost the love of my life forever." if he didn't do the bidding of her evil father, which ... yeah, would have been enough to scare people away. right. "you too, huh? WHAT KIND OF BAD SHIT HAPPENED TO YOU?" had to be bad. (@screamsmeared)

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"UH-HUH." HIS CONFIDENCE NEEDED NO FURTHER ELABORATION. anyone could lie. it was believing those lies that drew trouble. dolerhyde believed many lies about himself, but could not see it. another lie that he believed. the problem was that he couldn't choose which lies stuck and which didn't—he didn't really think that anyone could. they just had to get lucky. nathaniel just had to get lucky. it didn't seem that he'd been very lucky so far. "with your... technology?" that he couldn't take as exaggeration, not with everything he'd seen. he couldn't lie to himself the same way too many times. they would start to crack. "before we go... can i ask... what's at the beginning?" (@lcvenderhcze)

"ANYONE CAN DO IT? ARE YOU CERTAIN ABOUT THAT?" was it a wonder that he didn't get along with that many people? perhaps it was not and perhaps it would continue not to be, because.. right now? the only thing that he wanted was to leave. it wasn't as if he was.. well, it wasn't as if he was that bad of a company but right now, nathaniel could only think about one thing. it was the same thing that seemed to follow him wherever he went and yes, he hated that. he did. "i've seen it all. i've been to the end of time and to the beginning. there is.. quite a lot that most people don't even have any idea about," of course that they did not. right? "i do indeed. we're only a few blocks away, it seems." @screamsmeared

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LINDSEY CLUNG TO EVERY SPARE BIT OF HOPE SHE COULD. "you're right," she agreed, desperate to believe him. maybe by the end of the night things wouldn't be comfortable, per se—how could it be with the kinds of things she had yet to remember?—but she would borrow his confidence in their ability to handle it. they could handle it. they had always been capable of that. sticking together. it was a feeling she could rely on. "all right, i'll follow your lead. at least until we get inside." (@lcvenderhcze)

"IT'S... WHATEVER IT IS, LINDS? I THINK THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT. TOGETHER. YOU KNOW?" he wanted to believe so. he wanted to believe that things would be alright again and that he could win her trust back, but.. then again, that was the thing, wasn't it? peter wasn't even sure if he deserved her trust or anything like that. not after all that he had done. right? "but alright, let's get us some good lunch and those beers and then.. we can talk." @screamsmeared

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SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS MORE TO THIS than what was at the surface. he knew that he understood the feeling. that in and of itself was odd for him—dolerhyde didn't often even understand his own feelings, let alone anyone else's. but unused to recognition, his feelings went unanswered. he didn't fight; he shifted. "what... made you realize? that you were m" —missing, no. he had to skip that. shame had caught up with curiosity. john spoke well. better than he did. he simmered each time he recognized it. "that you didn't... remember. maybe... i don't remember... too." his mouth dried and stayed dry no matter how many gulps of his drink he took. his heart was quick and fast beneath his breastbone. it felt true. "...and i would like to." (@lcvenderhcze)

"YOU CANNOT. not knowing what happened to you? not knowing.. what is going to keep on happening? that is not something that i would wish upon anyone." it was not something that he had ever wanted and.. yet, john knew that it was something that he could no longer deny. something had happened to him, yes, but ... but he didn't know what it had been. he didn't know just who it was that had been behind it. did it? no. "maybe so. it's... it's striking. the resemblance. we could be twins. right?" looking at the other was like looking at a mirror of himself. @screamsmeared

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"MUCH MORE." FRANCIS WAS NOT A MASTER OF SOCIAL PROFICIENCY by any stretch of the imagination. he had spent most of his life sequestered away from others and struggled to identify with others. his eyes were DEAD to convention—within and without himself, he was stuck in a pattern of doing before he was capable of feeling. the sickness that rose within him was left unrecognized... but diego's distress he clung to like a lifeline. i'm trying to change. TO CHANGE. TO CHANGE. TO CHANGE. REVELATION burst behind his eyes like stars colliding to the earth and when the dust had settled, his desire sat plainly for him to see. HE CRAVED CHANGE. he wanted to help diego to CHANGE. but how? "different... how?" venom still stuck to his breath, seeping into his voice—he had never felt so close and so far to himself as he did right now. (@fcdcdmcmories)

"IT'S ... IT'S MUCH MORE THAN I DESERVE. I KNOW THAT. i do." if diego closed his eyes at night, perhaps he could still remember what it had been like to ... to wake up with those bombs attached to his wrists. perhaps he could still remember the desperation that had followed and how he had thought that he would never get out of there. "no, it's not. what i did, what we did .. it's not worthy of forgiveness." regardless, there he was, asking for forgiveness all the same. wasn't he? "no. no, i'm trying to ... i'm trying to change. i'm trying to be .. different now." (@screamsmeared)

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HEARING GARZA CONFIRM WHAT SHE ALREADY KNEW only added to her despair. it wasn't all some horrible nightmare. it was real. worse than real—it continued into the next life. peter knew. peter KNEW and he hadn't told her. heartbreak was harder to stomach than murder. "i don't understand." her voice came quietly, hollow in the wake enlightenment. "he never mentioned... anything like this. i mean, he didn't even bring up mark, i—" her lower lip quivered, sending a stab of anger into her center. right where the knife had been. she felt like she was twisting it herself. "so that's it? he's just... decided he would rather be a part of... all that instead?" (@lcvenderhcze)

"HE WAS NOT WORKING WITH THEM," it would not be as simple as that. it would never be as simple as that when it came to all of those people and yes, angie knew that very well. they were not friendly. they had never been friendly and yes, even during her time.. there had been records of what had happened. it was how she knew. it was how she knew all that had happened. "he was one of them. mark hoffman took over after jigsaw and amanda young died. he.. he was the one that killed you and strahm. i'm sorry." @screamsmeared

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HER HEART HAMMERED IN HER CHEST, her breath stolen right from her lungs. he does know. he's always known. the scene unfolded in her mind before she could brace for it. his voice played from the machine, clear as day. RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE FEELING HELPLESS. HELPLESS. HELPLESS. a sharp pain in her center. lindsey's hands flew to her stomach, breath quick and shallow. he knew. he knew everything. worse, peter knew. peter knew and didn't care. how could he have known and not cared? "i don't... understand," she choked out, trying to collect herself. she was failing. "hoffman. he was... working with..? how could this have happened?" (@lcvenderhcze)

"HE DOES KNOW. HE'S ALWAYS KNOWN, BUT.. IN HERE, IT'S WORSE. THEY'RE CLOSE. i think that he would do anything for kramer." meaning that they were people that every single one of them needed to be on the lookout for and right now, she knew that very well. of course that she did. it didn't help that- well, angie didn't want to think about that and she never, ever would. "yes. he knows about everything and he still chose to.. well, you know." @screamsmeared

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PART OF HER HAD HOPED THAT PETER WOULD BRUSH HER OFF, say that they'd spent enough time in the past and that they should look to the future. of course he wouldn't. peter was a good man, a good friend, and seemed genuine in his effort to help her understand their past together. "let's have a few beers, yeah. before we get into the deep stuff. i need a little more than the chicken salad i had for lunch for this one." and some time to steel herself. she didn't know what kind of answers she was going to get. (@lcvenderhcze)

"YOU COULD NEVER. WHAT'S GOING ON?" he wondered, almost knowing that he was not going to like what it was that he was going to hear next. of course not. right? it seemed as if the other was going to ask about .. well, about things that peter would rather not talk about and right now, he knew that very well. regardless, how could he ever .. how could he ever say no to any of her questions? how could he? he was her friend and yes, he owered her that much. "alright. let's get some beers and then .. we can talk about all of this?" he hoped that this would go well. he did. @screamsmeared

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"I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU PARKER," she started, earnestly; "it's very rare for bad things to happen and for it to only be one person's fault. not impossible, but rare." every behavior was a reaction to something else. she couldn't say whether anyone's reaction was justified or understandable or normal without information, but she could be convinced that there was more at play than what meant the eye. especially where guilt was concerned. "whatever happened... i think it's worth considering that it's not just your fault. that people are people and... sometimes that means doing the wrong thing. or saying the wrong things." it struck her, miserably, that she couldn't use her own life to infer anything anymore. how would she know? how would she know anything? she shook doubt away. it held on tight. "what doesn't change is that it already happened. you can't change it, you can only move forward. we just—" oops, that was personal, "—just have to move forward, now." (@fcdcdmcmories)

"BUT I AM. SHE.. SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED AND .. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT," finn pederson was a monster, yes, but .. he was the one who had said all that he had. if he hadn't been like that? if he hadn't forgotten whose side he was on for a moment there? he would never been able to find her alone and yet and yet and yet .. he had and .. the only one to blame was himself. as if he couldn't hate himself more than he did. "so i do have to be ashamed. she.. we fought and we both said some very awful things and now, she's gone. now, there's a chance that i will never see her again and i keep .. thinking about how it could have all been different. how it was my fault that it was not." he looked down at the ground, realizing that his hands were shaking. that did tend to happen a lot now. "i get that. sometimes, i wish that i could forget, too." as he always would. "me too." (@screamsmeared)

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"THAT'S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT." compared to the united states, england had more than just a leg up when it came to de-arming its forces. normally, lindsey would have considered that a good thing. but knowing that jigsaw was still out there and potentially working... she didn't feel she had any other choice. she would have to be armed. "but i've jumped through some hoops before just getting here. it's nothing i won't be able to handle." she smiled. "not strange at all. some of my best ideas come—came, i guess—from the range. which is to say... i hope you're not expecting an easy win." (@demongemz)

“You should, back home I’m quite used to a lot of things, that haven’t changed since moving here, being in London does offer its challenges but nothing that can’t be worked around” Ada mused looking at the other. She was more used to travel given her life spent as a spy, she’d been all over the world trying to get something for her employers in truth this was probably the longest she’d ever stood still. “I do shooting a gun while it’s strange to some relaxes me, something about letting out steam so to speak, maybe we could go together and see who has the best shot” she winked at the other. @ofantiheroes

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FRANCIS TOOK A BREATH HE HADN'T REALIZED HE WAS HOLDING. died. he had died. he had to mean medically. some accident, that was. but the more he tried to cling to normal conventions, the further away from himself he felt. he couldn't win. nothing gave him peace of mind. this least of all. "i can imagine," he said, voice quiet. if he gripped his glass any harder, it might shatter. still, his fingers refused to loosen—if they did, they would shake. "maybe it's..." he trailed off, sinking his teeth into his tongue. this time, not to punish it. "genetic." (@lcvenderhcze)

"THAT WE DIED. BOTH ME AND MY.. FRIEND." he remembered something like that. he remembered things that he knew would end up coming to bite him in the ass when all was said and done and yes, he didn't think that would be different anytime soon. what had happened, he wondered? who was it that had hurt him and mark both? or had it happened .. separately? john did not know. not at all. "it was. scarier than most people can even imagine." how very true was it, he wondered? @screamsmeared

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SKEPTICISM WASN'T ONE OF FRANCIS' DEFINING TRAITS, but it was hard to believe that anyone could have seen anything that would truly set them apart from the rest of humanity. then again, there had been a lot of things he'd seen recently—tonight, in fact—that would. nathaniel hadn't seemed surprised about any of it. maybe he knew more than he was letting on. "maybe. doesn't matter. anyone can do it." and that was true—anyone and everyone did lie to themselves; it had been written into humanity since the beginning. immortality had not been. nathaniel's statement was discarded as exaggeration. "no matter what you've seen. trust me... i've seen plenty." in his dreams. dreams that had started to feel less and less like dreams. "center... and you leave there? you know the street?" (@lcvenderhcze)

"WELL, PEOPLE ARE NOT LIKE ME. PEOPLE HAVE NOT SEEN WHAT I HAVE SEEN." people had not traveled all through time and they had not been through what he had been through and right now, he knew that would not be different anytime soon. they didn't know the pain that he had gone through - especially recently - with knowing that the one person that he loved and who had loved him through it all did not remember him. that hurt. that hurt.. quite a lot. "trust me. in the thousand years that i've been alive.. i still haven't been able to accomplish it," perhaps he never would. perhaps this was and always would be a fool's errand. "near the center of the city, i believe." it all confused him, after a long while. right? @screamsmeared

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AFRAID. THE QUESTION NEARLY MADE HIM BRISTLE, temper stamped down before it could rise to the surface. he knew better than to make a scene. better than better when he was uncomfortable. he was afraid, but not ready to admit that. "no. just don't like to be surprised with things, is all." (@fcdcdmcmories)

"NOT AT ALL. ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF LOSING A LITTLE BLOOD?" logan questioned, finding himself raising an eyebrow at the other's question. people didn't ask that unless they were afraid and for some reason, the other hadn't seem as if he was but .. hm. strange. @screamsmeared

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"IT'S MORE THAN YOU DESERVE." dolerhyde spoke slowly, letting himself taste each word. he was in agreement, of course. why, exactly, was still unclear to him. francis himself told many lies. why would this man be any different? but sense left him quickly, THE DRAGON still holding fast to his mind—HE wanted to BITE. "you're right. it's not as simple as that." he could see it clearly in his mind, the moment where diego's spine would snap beneath his strength. crushed. HE SHOULDN'T BE THINKING LIKE THIS. WHY WAS HE THINKING LIKE THIS? the longer he let the feeling linger, the more it festered. "do you still LIE?" (@fcdcdmcmories)

"IT'S MORE THAN I DESERVE," diego could admit that. he could, of course, admit the fact that he was getting much more than he deserved and that he hated it. he hated what it seemed as if his life had become and how he had turned - no, correction - how he had always been a monster. maybe he always would be. "i have. to never hurt innocent people again. i just wished that it was that simple. you know?" @screamsmeared

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A LONG NIGHT. dolerhyde visibly deflated at the prospect. he had already had a long night at work—his own fault, not that anyone else needed to know that—and didn't particularly want to spend the rest of his night—morning, now—looking after an animal. still, he was cowardly and stayed put. "i'll try to stay optimistic," he mumbled, following mateo through the office. not trusting his stomach, he declined the snacks with a quick shake of his head. he still smelled blood, fresh and warm. less fresh than it had been. he reached to adjust his collar and in the process stained it further. it didn't make his hands any less red. "just coffee, thanks. the vet is... here?" (@fcdcdmcmories)

MATEO WAS NERVOUS. HAVING BEEN THROUGH WHAT HE JUST HAD? being forced to tell her everything that his friends had been doing while she had been gone? it made him feel horrible and yet, everyone that had half a brain knew that telling cecilia pederson no was not an option and never had been. no. "our vet is the best. she's doing everything that she cans and in the meantime.. the only thing that we can do is wait. patiently. i think it's going to be a long night, friend," if he looked to be paranoid? that was precisely because he was. of course. "coming right up. we have some snacks over there as well, if you'd be .. interested?" @screamsmeared