screaming-in-tongues

[screaming-in-tongues]

Thought experiment: the crew of a hypothetical Star Trek style TV show that’s been deliberately contrived to cause as many arguments as possible between canon-conscious fanfic authors.

A chief engineer whose facial appearance is apparently shockingly unusual, but whose face is never actually seen. The engineering deck is often obscured by steam, and their responsibilities frequently require them to wear a full-face protective shield, while any time they’re encountered outside of engineering they’re shot exclusively from the back, or with some foreground object conveniently blocking their face. There’s a running gag where any time someone tries to describe them they just can’t seem to come up with the right word.  

A tactical officer who may or may not actually have a name. Unlike the chief engineer, above, no conspicuous concealment ever occurs; the show’s plot and dialogue are simply structured so that their name just happens never to come up, in such a way that a given audience member might not notice until someone points it out to them. The character is, of course, one half of the show’s primary canon ship. The show’s supplementary material is likewise phrased in such a way that the character’s name is never stated, with the character’s actor being credited as “also featuring”.  

A chief medical officer who manages to deploy a strangely topical anecdote from their implausibly extensive prior career in nearly every episode. These anecdotes are careful never to directly contradict each other, but in aggregate form a personal history which cannot conceivably be true. The possibility that they’re just spinning tall tales is ruled out by the fact that their anecdotes are frequently corroborated by comments from other crew members who’ve either heard about the incident in question or were present themselves for some (generally unspecified) reason.  

A communications officer and a science officer who are played by the same actor. They’re never seen on screen together, even while off duty. (e.g., at any gathering where one of them appears, the other “couldn’t make it”.) The circumstances that prevent them from ever being in the same room are often set up to lead the audience to suspect that they’re looking at one character pretending to be two separate people for some unspecified reason, but only characters who aren’t members of the crew ever notice the fact that they’re identical apart from the colour of their uniforms; the other crew members simply don’t see the resemblance.  

The captain, who appears in every single episode and often plays a central role in the plot, yet has no regular actor, being portrayed by an endless parade of guest stars. Their age, gender, and overall appearance is usually wildly different from episode to episode, though they always wear the same distinctive headgear in order to allow the audience to easily recognise them. This is apparently a diegetic phenomenon, as other characters will occasionally comment in passing on the captain’s current appearance, but the phenomenon is otherwise so unremarkable to them that its significance is never discussed.

[screaming-in-tongues]

Selected Excerpts From The Fire Nation Royal Palace Servants' (Unofficial) Handbook

Or: Revisions To Normal Protocol After The Ascension Of Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko

1. Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko should not be referred to by his full titles and styles, no matter the context. This appears to annoy him. "Fire Lord Zuko" and "Lord Zuko" are acceptable, as well as "your majesty" and "my Lord".

1.1 "Lord Hotman", however, is unacceptable.

1.2. Even if the Avatar specifically requests you to address Fire Lord Zuko as that.

1.3. In fact, any attempts by the Avatar, the Lady Beifong, the honorable Tribesman Sokka or even Master Katara to get you to address Fire Lord Zuko by anything other than his proper title should be disregarded.

1.4. Referring to Ozai of the Fire Nation (titles rmvd, dishon.) as "The Loser Lord", however, is acceptable.

2. Fire Lord Zuko is aware of the concept of mortality, but does not seem to understand how it relates to His Majesty. Following activities should be discouraged: Free climbing, glider usage, contact with exotic animals larger than a turtleduck (or smaller, if the animal is known to be venomous), amateur theatre productions, cooking, sailing, spelunking, botany, please see full list in the Matron's office.

2.1. It should be noted that His Majesty's belief that mortality does not apply to him does not appear to be completely unfounded. After several "close calls", it has been decided that upon his demise, Fire Lord Zuko should lie in state for at least two weeks.

2.1.1. We do not want another incident.

3. The turtleducks in the Western Pond do not need to be fed by the servants any more.

3.1. However, the turtleducks should be rotated out at regular intervals in order to prevent overfeeding.

4. At any official social functions, at least three servants should be vigilant in case His Majesty tries to tell a joke.

4.1. It should be noted that there is no concern for His Majesty's jokes being offensive, crass or otherwise contrary to good taste. They are simply very bad. His Majesty always ends up embarrassed.

5. Any children left unattended in the Royal Palace for more than 15 degrees can be retrieved from the Fire Lord's office.

6. Should His Majesty go missing, the following places should be searched: roofs and any high places, cellars and secret passages, the fur of the Avatar's sky bison (which is surprisingly deep), and every place that an ordinary five-year-old would think to hide in during a game of "Hide and Explode."

6.1. All of the Imperial Firebenders as well as any soldier who wears a mask during the course of their duties should be questioned.

6.1.1. Important note: Some of the soldiers who are especially close to His Majesty can perform a passable imitation of him. Efforts should be made to prevent an uneducated soldier from, say, conducting a meeting with the Minister of Agriculture.

6.2. After the recent incident, that list is expanded to include the Kyoshi Warriors and any other groups that might wear concealing full face paint.

6.3. If all of these measures prove ineffective, a letter should be sent to The Dragon of the West, Prince Iroh, asking His Highness to return His Majesty.

6.4. If a ransom note is delivered, it should be immediately checked against the handwriting samples from the honorable Tribesman Sokka as well as Avatar Aang, before any other actions are taken.

6.4.1. Replying "Good luck, he's your problem now" to a ransom note is absolutely unacceptable.

6.4.1.1. To further drive home the point, the Royal Archives are required by law to preserve every single piece of royal correspondence. That thing will end up in a museum.

This handbook will be updated should it prove necessary.

[screaming-in-tongues]

that sure is a choice for the scene's color palette, alright

[screaming-in-tongues]

A tale in 4 parts

[screaming-in-tongues]

I think the only person I've met in real life with 100% career satisfaction was this gal I knew who was a presenter at a children's science museum and delivered every line like she was running a WWE match. Every time you passed the room where she was giving a presentation, you'd hear something like "WHO'S READY FOR CEPHALOPODS?!?" and the kids would go absolutely nuts cheering.

[screaming-in-tongues]

[screaming-in-tongues]

BaalBuddy

[screaming-in-tongues]

BaalBuddy

[screaming-in-tongues]

neopets forum posts i reference all the time but nobody gets

[screaming-in-tongues]

i'm fucking alive i guess

[screaming-in-tongues]

This is so real

[screaming-in-tongues]

do fish ever get to repent? or are they doomed to swim around forever bearing the sins we have tossed to them to consume over the many years?

[screaming-in-tongues]

[screaming-in-tongues]

Some spins on the "mostly male team with a token woman" trope:

The woman is trans and stayed in her old circle of bros even after transition

The woman is the only one in her circle of "girls" who didn't turn out to be a trans man

[screaming-in-tongues]

did you know? there is a type of metal chariot, powered by the bone-ichor of ancient dragons, that you can use to access—and quickly traverse—a labyrinthine realm of desolate, pitch-black stone known to scientists as “the american highway system”

[screaming-in-tongues]

schrodinger's chekhov's gun. a detail in a story that looks like it should have some big payoff but it's too early to tell if that's relevant or if the author just has a passion for lovingly describing guns.

[screaming-in-tongues]

I think this is the funniest onion headline bar none