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Daily Mail EXCLUSIVE: African Horn vs Al-Shabab Crisis: Red Rover, Red Rover

"Red rover, red rover, send [name of player on opposite team] right over."

Jingxuan, Crisis Coordinator, has recently given an exclusive insight into the crisis to the Daily Mail.

"We've had triple agents and a few defections are being negotiated now."

We then had a follow-up interview with the whole team of Crisis Coordinators:

"Issa Osman Issa (played by Gavin) killed approximately one child per hour."

"2500 died from Marburg outbreaks, the largest Marburg outbreak in history. Also the smallest response from authorities in history. It makes you ooze."

"There were massive riots."

We asked them what happened to the various children's hospitals:

"We killed a couple of them."

Lastly, "how do you feel about the lack of quarantines?"

"It's making me feel positively ill." - Jingxuan

"I'm sick with disgust." - Mandy

"I'm oozing unhappiness." - Pete

"The staff quarantined themselves more than the committees did." - Robbie

"@£$%!U$**$(@((!*£**$"- Aaron

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This article in no way reflects the views of ScotMUN as an organisation, any members of its Secretariat or the author of this article. Any similarities to real world newspapers like the “Daily Mail” are purely unintentional. Thanks for reading.

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Russia-Iran relations pressured by US-Iranian cooperation in the WHO

Iran has alienated Russia by working together with Canada and the United States in what seemed to be a military-oriented approach to the issue of international vaccination policies.

During a debate in the World Health Organization (WHO) on the international coordination of vaccination policies, the Russian delegate wondered if his Iranian counterpart was “willing to lose their ally in the Security Council by contradicting Russia so much”.

An unusual coalition had previously emerged in the debate, with Iran, Canada, and the United States cooperating in the formulation of proposals and clauses to address the vaccination issue.

Member states were particularly surprised about a clause in the relevant document indicating that Iran was willing to “agree to a limited US military presence” in the country, provided the US would “submit to local jurisdiction”. The aim of the measure seemed to be a more effective provision of medical services in Iran.

The Venezuelan delegate, however, was doubtful about whether Iran was unable to look out for itself. He expressed his concern about the incident setting a precedent, leading to more countries facing a US military presence.

The US delegate called the clause “the best [one] presented so far.” It would “remove nationalist ideas” and “promote better cooperation” to improve vaccination policies internationally.

Russia, on the other hand, reminded Iran that his cooperation with the US was contradicting the sanctions regime imposed on Iran by the US and several European countries.

Relations between Iran and the United States have been thawing since the election of the more moderate Hassan Rouhani as President of Iran in June 2013. A presence of US military in the country, however, was never considered by the Iranian authorities since the revolution in 1979.

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Daily Mail EXCLUSIVE & BREAKING: Is the WHO becoming too fierce?!

The Daily Mail was covering developments in the World Health Organization committee yesterday and noted today that they passed a resolution later that evening on personal genomics.

Did this resolution boost their confidence to an unhealthy degree?

One of the Daily Mail's top reporters managed to discover quite an incriminating photo of the WHO committee dancing... to Single Ladies by Beyoncé?

We are personally impressed with the Russian delegate pictured here wearing the grey suit in the centre. Not only has he mastered the difficult waving move, he also seems to be moving his hips; is Russia overcompensating for a lack of decent policy? Will they enforce this dance upon the people of Crimea?!

Their co-Chair Melissa claims in her tweet that this was a punishment for those who were "late' from their lunch break.

We reached out to Melissa for what she thought about this and she responded with this: "It was a tie between Venezuela and Iran."

Beyoncé has not commented yet on this cross-party disturbance.

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This article in no way reflects the views of ScotMUN as an organisation, any members of its Secretariat or the author of this article. Any similarities to real world newspapers like the “Daily Mail” are purely unintentional. Thanks for reading.

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New York Times EXCLUSIVE – Russia to expel US Ambassador

MOSCOW, Russian Federation – It has become clear this afternoon that there has been a severe escalation in the Ukraine crisis. Our sources in Moscow reveal that there has been no response from the Kremlin to President Obama's calls, other than the revelation that the US Ambassador shall be expelled and must leave the country within 72 hours. This is a developing story, and will be updated as events unfold.

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The Rocky Road to Al-Maghreb Continues...

African Union- The second session commenced with a serious atmosphere and a number of countries bringing up different matters regarding the current draft resolution to the floor.

This draft resolution was undoubtedly a progressive step forward as it was the most comprehensive one to date and this fact was recognised by multiple delegations in the committee.

However there were a few considerations and concerns regarding certain clauses which were highlighted by the delegates.

The delegations of Tanzania and Niger were concerned with a clause that invited the use of natural resources from African countries. They pointed out that developing African nations would especially need these resources for their own growing economies.

In terms of funding, the draft resolution called for 1 to 2% of each country’s GDP to be donated to the cause. However Mali strongly felt that this was much too large to ask each country and that having such a massive budget would be difficult to handle. Similarly, Ethiopia questioned the methods by which the money would be distributed and cited varying country sizes to be an issue when it came to organising funding for border checks and control.

Djibouti was very open to the idea of bringing BRICS on board to provide funding and to provide assistance to the African Union.

These were a few of the many amendments that faced delegates this morning in the African Union and as the delegate of Tunisia aptly put, “We have come a long way, but there are still questions on what the African Union has done and has to still do to accomplish our goals.”

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Germany's Controversial Approach to Debating the Empowerment of Women

The debate rages on in the UNDP about the empowerment of women and the agenda post 2015, and Germany is taking a leading role in the promotion of women's rights not only in the West but throughout the world.

Accusations were, however, being made of the proposed resolution that it was too focussed on Western issues. The Republic of the Congo, in particular highlighted that it was “designed by Western countries for Western countries”.

Germany, however, was quick to refute this, emphasising that “parity” was the watchword for the UNDP, and it is in this way that equality and equal development can be promoted globally. The UK supported the German delegate, stressing that the resolution was demonstrating how to implement change for countries across the world.

Taking German Chancellor Angela Merkel as an inspiration, the German delegate confided in Der Spiegel that they would like “everyone to aspire to be like Angela Merkel”.

Whilst it is evident that Merkel is an impressive female role model, as one of the most significant political figures not only in Germany but in the entirety of the EU, Der Spiegel is unwilling to admit that Merkel is the epitome of what women should aspire to be.

Germany's controversial approach developed through criticism of Russia, stating that “Stalin killed more people of his own country than Hitler did”. Whilst this is undoubtedly true, Der Spiegel was surprised to hear such a comment from a German delegate, and was unclear on how exactly this related to the rights of women.

The overall aims of Germany within this debate are to be wholeheartedly applauded, as they are encouraging the promotion of universal women's rights and the empowerment of women around the globe, but it is clear that the political approach and diplomatic techniques are in need of refinement.

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Nicaragua: US abusing the trust of the WHO

Nicaragua has accused the United States of taking advantage of the World Health Organization (WHO) in order to further the interests of US pharmaceutical companies.

In a WHO debate on the international coordination of vaccination policies, the Nicaraguan delegate claimed that the US used pharmaceutical resources merely for its own private ends. He said he was “doubtful” about US intentions with regards to vaccination policies, referring to Nicaraguan citizens receiving untested medicine from the US.

“The US is abusing the trust of the WHO by testing unsafe medicines in the developing world.”

The sentiment was partly echoed by the Russian delegate, who said that the primary interest of the US was to increase profit for its pharmaceutical companies.

The US delegate said Nicaragua was trying to portray his country as “the evil empire again”. He responded: “We're trying not to [be an evil empire], sometimes.”

The delegate also pointed out that his country was a substantial financial contributor to the WHO and that monetary resources were limited.

“We donate billions and billions to international aid. [...] There is [no] magical land where money comes from.”

The United States seemed unwilling to make concessions on the issue of intellectual property rights. During a committee debate on a working paper, the US delegate noted: “There's something in there about releasing patents. That's way too socialist.”

Remarks by the US delegate were continuously met with opposition. However, several diplomatic sources have indicated that the WHO will nonetheless pass a resolution on the issue.

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Afghanistan Press Release:

Crimea's 1979

Op-ed by Jack Erans, Afghan Ambassador to UNSC

"The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan thirty-five years ago may seem an age away to much of the international community, a long forgotten war that closed the distant era of communism. But today, the same leaders of Moscow have unashamedly initiated an invasion of another free, independent neighbor state, bringing the democratizing nation of Ukraine to the threat of war.

Afghanistan met this same threat in its Soviet uniform in 1979 with a proud, patriotic, and stalwart defense of our homeland, and now wishes the people of Ukraine success in the same. 

Hopefully, this will be a peaceful process, with a show of Ukraine's intent to defend its sovereignty being sufficient. But if Russian troops continue to push into the country, and initiate violent action, proud Ukrainians will react with the moral support of the nation of Afghanistan at their backs."

Source: http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Observer/Columnist/Columnists/2011/3/8/1299585723745/soviets-007.jpg

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BREAKING: YELLOW ORB APPEARS IN SKY

ScotMUN delegates expressed shock this morning at the appearance of a burning ball of gas over Edinburgh.

The glowing orb was first seen rising above Carlton Hill at 06:33 this morning. The sphere has since moved westwards at an “alarming” rate.

According to witnesses, the hypnotizing sphere has been emitting heat since this morning.

Several delegates have reported feeling “warm” and having to remove clothing to cope with the conditions.

One Security Council delegate told the ScotMUN Press Team: “I’m afraid – how long has that thing been up there?! I thought that this was Scotland […]

“I was able to walk to committee without being attacked by a bitter polar continental wind, I just hope that there is not any significant external forcing affecting the atmospheric circulation of heat from the Hadley Cells.”

In a phone interview, ScotMUN Secretary General Marcus Gustafsson told the ScotMUN Press Team: “I have two missed calls from this number. Who is this?”

It is believed that the sphere was summoned into being by the ScotMUN Ceilidh. The Ceilidh took place at The Balmoral Hotel last evening (Saturday March 1) and involved ritualised dancing and the drinking of ceremonial alcoholic beverages.

One member of the ScotMUN Secretariat, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “What have we done!

“We have angered the gods. A sacrifice must be made!”

The news follows the sudden disappearance of Tamer Al Ghussein, ScotMUN Secretariat member in “suspicious circumstances” this morning.

Alex Shaw

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I experienced my most embarrassing MUN moment during my first year at university. I was a delegate in a committee of about 100 people, in the US. It was my turn to make a speech, and on my way up to the front I tripped and knocked into another delegate. I ended up giving my one-minute speech with my face bright red and everybody chuckling at me. However, at the end of the conference I still received an honourable mention.

Melissa Miller, WHO Chair

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Message from the Ukrainian Prime Minister to the people

In light of the offensive actions of Russia against Ukraine and her people, the government has released a statement: The Prime Minister congratulates the bravery and courage of our heroic soldiers who remain brave in the face of the Russian Bear. We assure our citizens we will do all we can to avoid bloodshed, and we will protect those in Crimea from Russian bullying and attempts to annex them.

 Brave soldiers stand against the Russian invaders

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Press Release from the Crisis in the Security Council:

"Lithuania deeply condens the actos of aggression by Russia, and will be having talks about the crisis with both the EU and its NATO Allies."

"The Republic of Korea hopes that despite dim expectations, this situation can still be solved peacefully."

Russia claims that the occupation of the Crimean is justified because the majority of the citizens living there are Russian.

The delegate of Chad reminds the federation of the agreement in 1994 for peace- how can Russia thus justify their actions?

Russia responds: "Russia is not breaching the agreement, because there is no violence involved." Apparently holding people as hostages is not a violent force.

The Ukraine is stating that "Russian forces in the Crimea is a threat to the Ukraine." The delegate thereafter invaded the personal space of the Russian delegate.

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Official Chinese Press Statement

Security Council: The Chinese Government issued the following press statement in response to France’s suggestion of an intervention to Russia’s military action in the Ukraine region of Crimea: “Adding more troops will not solve the problem and goes against state sovereignty” 

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UK threatens military action

An exclusive inside report has been released to Der Spiegel stating that the UK believes that “Russia is attempting to regain a foothold in Crimea” as a form of “revenge” for its loss in the Crimean war.

The UK is in agreement with France in that it appears that the hope for finding a diplomatic solution is fading fast, and it “considers that actions are needed”. This represents a direct threat to the Russian Federation, and a significant escalation in the movement towards a military response.

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China: What is truly on their agenda when it comes to Russia?

Security Council- China had conflicting views on Russia’s actions in the region of Crimea in Ukraine. Initially China supported the views of other nations such as the USA and France who condemned the military action which Russia has taken and called for Ukraine and Russia to ‘move into peace talks’.

However after a news update that Russia was issuing passports to Ukrainian citizens in Crimea, China praised Russia and cited this as positive step. Ukraine was angered by China’s swift change and questioned their priorities.

After further discussions, China called for Russia to recall their army from Crimea and denounced Russia’s military course of action. Undoubtedly China’s true position on this escalating issue remains to be seen.

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Responses to the Breaking News: Russian troops mobilized near the Ukrainian border in the Crimea

"Rwanda has expelled the Russian ambassador for the actions in the Ukraine."

Furthermore, "The Arab League condemns the aggressive attitude of Russia."- Jordan and Iraq

It is not unknown that Afghanistan has also deeply condemned Russia's actions. Afghanistan hopes that Ukraine will “crush the Russian Federation and kill the invaders.”

China hopes that the delegates will come to a peaceful conclusion. Meanwhile, Rwanda believes that this crisis could “lead to World War Three.” 

How does Russia defend itself? "The Russian Federation has a right to protect its citizens in the Ukraine.” They were “called on” by Russians living in the Crimea.

Perhaps Russia has forgotten that they persuaded Russians to move to the Ukraine to gain a stronger foothold in the Ukraine? Historically there are tensions that run deep between Ukraine and Russia.

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Further updates to come soon.

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Russia answers the calls for help of the Crimean people

Local leaders within Russian Crimea have asked Russia for help in protecting civilians from persecution. They desire a peaceful, secure life for their people, and a Russian official has stated in response: “We are and will continue to protect our citizens within Ukraine as help has been called for and we have answered.”