schoolofcharmmentality-blog

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You know the things you think you'll think about when you're threatened with the prospect of death? Yeah well I'm not thinking about them. Like what my last meal would ideally be or who would be here when I finally died (other than my parents), or what I'd hoped to achieve by said day, what I wish I'd done or said etc. I've been trying to think about my best life moments but it's not flashing before my eyes. Weird experience. Really weird. I just want to rest.

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As if these actually exist? To the tumblr friend, thank you so much for putting a smile on my face ❤

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It's all very sudden. Everything is.

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I'm half expecting a message like 'I've been worse than you and I was fine'. You might've been. Docs just told me I might be nearing the end yesterday though so I'd say I'm allowed to be terrified.

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I've started to have the moments where I'd be ok if it all just stopped. I don't want to be in this pain anymore. It's gotten way beyond control. I wouldn't go as far as 'euthanise me' but I'm creeping ever closer to DNR.

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Looking particularly fetching with an ice pack on my 'ead

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High flow oxygen - aka the noisiest piece of kit EVER

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My note for the day: It's all got very serious and scary in camp CF, for me at least. Had some conversations about assisted breathing, ventilation and other big scary things. Had bizarre fits of breathing and passed out and all sorts. It's been bizarre to say the least. All you really need to know about my day though, the weirdest part, is that... I've been catheterised. Yep. Lol.

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Seriously debating...

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Asking hipsters about bands that don’t exist. Brilliant.

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I just really want to be at one with a plate of cookies.

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Sweet phases are the best phases, and to be honest if I saw you I'd probably say "Bonjourno", you know, just to be extra classy, also, you'd probably recognise me. To be honest, I wouldn't say it's an attribute, you can if you wish haha, but to be honest isn't it just nice pleasing your partner, not always sexually, but nothing feels better than bringing a smile to their face, always a nice feeling. :) I half made one, it's more a blanket mess.. how was skiing?

Hmm yeah but I'm going through a 'TOO SWEET' phase where I actually (on the whole) dislike sweet things.

Ha, as you do. I'm sure I would. Aww well aren't you nice :) keep up the good pleasing-your-partner-just-because work :)

Oh well that sucks. Did you not get some poles or chairs up in there?

Skiing didn't happen because I'm too ill for that shit haha. I'm not allowed to leave my room today either and have no energy to get out of bed so no skiing today either!! BOOOOOOOOOOO.

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Hi, Emma saw you on Midlands News and I must commend you on being one of the few women pretty enough to look good wearing a breathing tube. I just hope Laga Gaga didn't see it and rips you off! But on a less silly note, you're great and really likeable. I think it's only a matter of time until someone wifes the shit out of you, even if you are giving birth to amphibian like mucus from your mouth. I came her to ask why you're nicknamed Coco? Stay awesome, young lady.

Helloooo :) oh well thanks. Although I know many a lady that look lovely with a nasal cannula.

Thank you! Haha, I highly doubt wifing the shit out of me is on anyone's current agenda but a girl can hope ;)

Coco is a nickname given to me by about 3 people and it was simply because of 2 things, depending on who said it. Either a) the colour of my hair or b) the fact that I used to ALWAYS wear coco mademoiselle.

That's literally it. Not exciting at all x

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Do you like to play video games? And if you do, what kind?

I used to... I'm an old school tekken fan. Had quite a few old ps1 games on a converter when I was with my ex (he was good for such ventures) and I was always a sims nerd. These days though I seem to find other things to do with my time... I have sat and played assassin's creed recently but that was mainly to show my brother how much better I am than he is at computer games, rather than out of enjoyment of said game. I'm sure there are plenty of games out there that I'd happily play, I just have other things to do, like be ill in hospital and stuff. I'm up for a challenge though...

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Seeing pictures of friends of yours travelling and then falling back to sleep and having dreams of you travelling and THEN waking up to the reality that the furthest you'll be travelling today is to the loo, is a rather massive punch in the stomach.

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Nasal specs weren't enough. Up to 8L with a mask on :(

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Pet Peeve #832687:

When I ask the nurses very nicely if they can make me a vanilla build up shake, I expect a vanilla build up shake. For some reason, whenever I ask night staff for one THEY MAKE ME A SKANDISHAKE.

For anyone not in the know, build ups and skandishakes are completely different high cal drinks that taste completely different and come in completely different packaging and are even stored in different places on the ward. It's hard to mix them up...

AND STILL I SIT HERE WITH A JUG OF SKANDISHITE THAT TASTES LIKE ARTIFICIAL ARSEHOLES AND THE NURSE IS TELLING ME IT'S A BUILD UP. TELLING ME. THE PERSON WITH THE TASTEBUDS WHO'S QUITE AT ONE WITH DIETRY DRINKS. SHE'S LYING, TO MEEEEEE.

If this is a build up then I'm wonder woman and I appear to be typing into the government database, as I AM THE RULER OF THE WORLD.

It's not a fucking build up. Please flush it down the toilet, where it belongs, and start again.

(I would go get it myself if I wasn't attached to a drip and on 4L of oxygen which basically means I can't move without choking)