scatteredpagesoftheheart - Tumblr blog

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

And it did.

“It’s going to hurt so much when you leave me.”

—

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

As if I didn’t already have enough reasons to hate myself. At least it’s nice to know that everyone else hates me too.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

I’m Tired.

I’m tired of being the nice one.

I’m tired of being the kind one.

I’m tired of being the generous one.

I’m tired of being the respectful one.

I’m tired of being the responsible one.

I’m tired of being the reliable one.

I’m tired of being the obedient one.

I’m tired of being the diligent one.

I’m tired of being the rock.

I’m tired of being the one that everyone looks to when there’s a problem.

I’m tired of being the secret keeper.

I’m tired of being the understanding one.

I’m tired of being the patient one.

I’m tired of being the forgiving one.

I’m tired of being the one who never gets to raise her voice.

I’m tired of being the one who never gets to wear her emotions.

I’m tired of being a machine.

I’m tired of being under-appreciated.

I’m tired of feeling like I am the one chosen to bear the weight of the world’s problems in addition to my own.

I’m tired of being the strong one.

I’m tired of being a doormat.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't help you. I'm sorry that I don't have the right words to say. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right. I'm sorry that you feel so alone even when I'm right next to you. I'm sorry that I'm a waste of space.

I'm sorry.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

When I hear your voice call my name, I also hear the shores of my home echo it back.

I'm torn between the place I love and the person I love.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

Useless. Hollow. Unable to perform any task to a satisfactory degree. A failed machine.

An Autobiagraphy

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

It's going to hurt so much when you leave me.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

Log #2

Here I go again, falling for someone that I can never, under any circumstances, have. What am I going to do with myself?

God, I hope you never find out, for many reasons -- the fact that you’re my manager being the least important one, which makes this circumstance far worse than it should be. If, on some horrific twist of fate, you do happen to uncover my affinity for you, I just want you to know that I am dreadfully sorry. I never meant for it to happen.

But that’s just it, isn’t it? We never mean for these things to happen, but sometimes, if we’re unlucky enough, they do.

The irony of it is that I used to dislike you so much. I was of the belief that you were a callous, miserable witch with no regard for the well-being of others. I realize now that I could never have been more wrong, and if I could travel to the past, I would rewind to the previous year and smack myself.

You were never callous; you were merely guarded. Your trust was locked away beneath the weight of the world on your shoulders and the scars left behind by those that have wronged you. However, for some reason that is still an enigma to me, you allowed me to see you. You took down your walls for me, and behind those walls, I found something beautiful.

You are one of the strongest, most resilient people that I have ever known. Words cannot describe how wrong I was about you -- how wrong everyone was about you. But now, I see you. You’re not apathetic; without my understanding, you looked out for me. You’ve always had my back, and I was simply too blind and stubborn to figure it out. And now that I have, I know that you don’t receive even half of the recognition and appreciation that you deserve. You’ve been through so much, and even still, you walk with your head held high and a purpose in your eyes. You carry yourself as though you own the world, and sometimes, I actually believe that you do.

I shall never let my affections for you come to your knowledge. You already have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You don’t need the fucked up feelings of a helpless idiot added to it.

After all, I’m wise enough to do myself a favor. I know that I could never have you. But I have to say it. I have to let it out, lest I drive myself insane.

I love you.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

Have you ever felt a sadness so deep that it envelops your entire body? First, it starts in your chest, tightening with a ferocity that rips a gasp from your lungs. Then, slowly, it begins to extend down your arms, to the tips of your fingers. Torturous, it progresses to your stomach, rendering you nearly unable to breathe. It makes its way down your thighs then, and it just keeps going. You can feel your bones rattle as it finally reaches your toes. Afterward, it stays there, suspending you in what is possibly one of the most excruciating pains you can imagine. And if you can survive it, I tip my hat to you.

Sadness is not merely an emotion.

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

Log #1

Two days ago, you told me that you’re moving. You’re putting an even greater distance between us than there already is until you figure out where you really want to settle, which could put us worlds apart from each other.

You don’t know it, but those words were needles embedding themselves into the pin-cushion that is my heart. The heart that spent so many years quarantined behind walls, yet you took those walls down as though they were made of paper. You weaseled your way into my very being, and before I knew it, you had become my everything.

I still have yet to tell you, however. That is what kills me so, and now I am uncertain if I ever shall. The fact that you don’t know that I would do almost anything for you is beyond painful. You are the most beautiful creature on this planet, in my eyes, that I have had the pleasure of calling a friend. You’re gentle, considerate, respectful, patient, and above all else, you are loyal. You have defended me against all odds and taken my hand when no one else would. For that, I cannot thank you enough.

My friends claim that I seem to be in love with you, and truthfully, I don’t know if I am or not. I don’t really think that I know what love is, considering that I have only committed to one person, and that person proceeded to walk out of my life on bad terms. All I know is that, more than anything, I want  you to be happy, and I will do just about anything to ensure your happiness, even if I can’t be the source of it myself. 

I’ve known you for quite a while now, and we’ve become exceedingly close over this year. We play video games together every day. You always ask if I’m comfortable when we’re playing with multiple people, and you stand up for me if anyone else displays any sign of disrespect toward me. You go out of your way to make me feel included in everything we do, and if I fall behind, you wait patiently for me to catch up while proceeding to backtrack and carry me through everything. 

There’s so much chemistry and trust built between us. You have opened up to me about things that you wouldn’t dare mention to anyone else, and you’ve also been a huge source of emotional support for me as well… But I don’t think you like me as much as I do you. My friends seem to think otherwise, but I don’t see it… Lately, you’ve been going through a really tough time, hardships that I won’t talk about because I respect you, your personal matters, and the trust you have given me to keep those matters confidential. I’ve been doing all I can to help you cope with your struggles and just make it as easy for you as I can. Despite the fact that you are growing ever distant from me by the day…

But when you told me that you’re moving… I didn’t know what to say, do, or even think. For a moment, I think I forgot how to breathe. A few of my friends have told me that I should just let you know how I feel about you, but it’s not that simple. You need time to stabilize and figure some things out through all of the shit you’re going through, and there’s a chance that if I tell you, it’ll only add another load of stress on your shoulders that you don’t need. That would not be fair of me to do that to you. 

I don’t know, perhaps I am in love with you. All I know is that I want to be closer to you than anyone’s ever been, even if it is only as a friend. I know that might seem selfish, but I can’t help it. I certainly don’t want to lose you, so I’d rather continue to have you as a friend than nothing at all…  I think that, if I choose to speak to you about my feelings at all, it should be when you have a better sense of stability and when your mind is not burdened with your current circumstances, but you will probably be gone before that happens. 

Everyone else seems to be of the opinion that I should simply tell you; that it may be too late before I ever muster up the will to do so, and that if you leave before knowing how I feel, I’ll be left wondering what could have happened. But I’d rather do that than give you an even harder time than you’re already going through. And, more than anything else in the world, my greatest wish is for you to be happy… 

Is that what love is? When you merely want someone to be completely happy, regardless of whether it’s with or without you?

What would you say? What would you say if I told you that I love you?

[scatteredpagesoftheheart]

Please don't ever forget about me.

six-word story that I never got to tell you