scathedbeauty-blog

[scathedbeauty-blog]

All alone with no one to hold me

A very small part of me just wants to give up trying all together. You ask me to marry you and spend the first week being great then all of a sudden its a shocker im planning the wedding for next summer? What ever I am tired of being on your back burner.

[scathedbeauty-blog]

Want♥

[scathedbeauty-blog]

So much for best friends, ha.

I used to think that it would suck to live without you . You were my partner in crime we did everything together but I fully realize now that all you do is bring me down. If I say something that you don't agree with or do something that's not cool to you even if I'm just joking trying to make you laugh you look at me like I'm crazy stick your nose up like you're better than me. NEWS FLASH people like the company of those who are confident in themselves. People like to be around others that smile and laugh and are comfortable in their own skin... People who don't have to make fun of others to feel good about themselves. You said that I've gained weight, im fatter than I ever have been before. Sure, size 10 is pretty big, especially for me since I'm only 5 feet tall but you know what? Your 4 pant sizes bigger than me and I exercise, eat healthy and take vitamins. iM HEALTHY. Size 10 or not, I love my body!  And everytime we hangout the only option you give me is to eat fast food such as mcdonald's, burger king, Wendy's and taco bell. Even though you KNOW that food hurts my sensitive stomach but its what ever so long as you try to make me fatter than you. Again NEWS FLASH, food is your lifestyle I have watched you eat a fast food meal 3x a day... I never eat the shit so its not gonna make me look like you if I eat there once every few months... and yes I do wish I could see you more but I could be on cloud nine so happy with myself and only one hour with you and you DESTROY my self confidence... you tear down my resiliency to problems because you want me on your level. That is so WRONG!  The last time we hangout you didn't even tell me what you thought of me. . . You had the audacity to call my mother tell her that you think that I've gained weight? I've let myself go because I'm poorly dressed? I've let my hair go because I don't get a full foil weave (blonde highlights) everytime I go to the salon? Okay? I haven't gained weight imax we lost 10 pounds since I saw you I was poorly drive because we were having a sleepover f****** pajamas in my hair? come on really? The 140 dollars for me to get a full weave of blonde highlights, I would rather put that money towards my schooling which by the way you dropped out so I don't know how you think you're better than me... But the nerve to call my mother, the one i dont even speak to anymore and tell her what you think of me and it I'm letting myself go I think you need to look in the mirror stop hating on me and maybe work on yourself. I dont tell you the mean things I could say because your my best friend... I care and don't want to hurt your feelings but this is rediculous! You know what they say though.... keep your friends close and your enemies closer.... Forever your frenemy....

[scathedbeauty-blog]

F-U-C-K!

My day was great until i got home

sometimes you make me wanna just scream 

sometimes you are the reason i cry

you think EVERYTHING is MY fault

Well hate to tell you but ITS FUCKING NOT. 

Thanks. 

[scathedbeauty-blog]

You're not happy.

"All this time I was wasting, Hoping you would come around I've been giving out chances every time And all you do is let me down And it's taken me this long Baby but I figured you out And you're thinking we'll be fine again, But not this time around" -Taylor Swift ---------------------------------------------------------- I know you're not happy with me, I know you're not happy with us,  I know you think you can do better then me by now and honestly you're entirely right.

I have high expectations, i have a lot of needs, i have low self esteem, i have anxiety, depression and self harm issues, you name it, I've got it. 

There is nothing in this world though that i would'nt do for you.  You mean more then my own life to me and i know you're not happy. 

I don't think anyone ever could be having me as their partner.  Part of me wants to apologize

"Im sorry for wasting 

and another part doesnt want to say anything, and just accept my fate and let you move on.

I have too many issues to work on and it has become quite obvious that no one can help me do it so i have to do it alone. 

please know that i love you and i wish there was something i could do to help... but clearly despite my hardest efforts, i have failed to make you happy. 

Even if it kills me... i have to let you go. 

maybe one day, if ever you decide to keep me, we can start a family together, you and I we could have a life together. 

If it's me you chose then when you are ready to focus on beginning "us," you know where to find me.  Ill probably still be in school and ill probably still be heart broken

all because i know it is my fault,

that "You're Not Happy."

[scathedbeauty-blog]

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, self harm, and trying to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder properly and accurately. Everything started when I was 16 and moved away from my father to live with my mom. Most people say she is the cause of my problems. They're getting worse and worse as you have followed my blog the last year and I just contacted the suicide hotline for the first time. They were absolutely zero help and have left me feeling more hopeless, useless, and alone more than ever. When will things finally get better? The world may never know.

[scathedbeauty-blog]

And the misery goes on....

This time last year I was convicted of a misdemeanor. It was simply me being in the wrong place at the wrong time my friend stole one perfume and since I was with her I got nailed to. We both paid a theft fee to the store, of 236, paid 500 to the state for court fees an 800 for community service. and now a year later I still can't get a fucking job !?!?!? the job I applied for scheduled two interviews with me hired me and gave me new hire paperwork to fill out all to be taken away because my background didn't pass because of the misdemeanor. But I mark that on my application so I don't even know why they wasted my time or got my hopes up. With my luck my life can only get worse.

[scathedbeauty-blog]

Stuck

I am just so tired of being stuck at home. I want to go see my dad I want to live my life and I'm tired of being guild tripped! My face is warm, my eyes are welling....I'm I n class for christ sake! I can't cry now! Why why why #fml

[scathedbeauty-blog]

I told myself i wasnt going to delete you from my life. I guess i lied to myself because slowly, for the last year you have been fading into the background that is my past and slipping further away from my future. Every bad decision you made, i deleted pieces of you from my life as you deleted me from yours by making more bad decisions. I told myself i wasnt going to delete our pictures from my phone or facebook but going through the pictures i find myself sick. Who you were was this amazing, wonderful, supportive and loving being but you changed and I changed. You stopped trying. Your priorities were set and i wasnt one of them. You were in a place far back from where i wanted to be. I wanted to be more and you didnt see that. You didnt try. So here I am, three months after we broke up, deleting you from my life because i would rather remember the good and forget the past. I wont forget you but i refuse to allow you to be apart of my life when you tore it apart so haphazardly. 

[scathedbeauty-blog]

When your gone.

Well I did it Tumbleristas....

Zach and i broke up October 22nd 2012. I began my new relationship shortly after.

I havnt spoke to zach since then... until today.

He messaged me on facebook today... So many long, mean, hurtful words in such a short message.

Saying it was my fault things fell apart. it was my fault we didnt make it. My fault for everything. When in fact it was the other way around... 

Zach, You were controlling, Manipulative, Mentally draining and abusive, You called me names, Teased me, Hurt me, Cheated on me, Promised me forever and ever but never lived up to it, You said you would always be there... But you never were... You made empty promises You lied. You said you loved me, but people who love you dont do those kind of things to you...  I thought I would be sad when i knew you were gone for good ...

But now without you, I can grow

I can learn to not only walk on my own but i can run and soar as far as the skies allow Without you, i can love myself and learn to love others with compassion and care, without worry of you being there with disapproving eyes. Without you around i can have fun and be myself, branch away from my childish patterns and become an adult.  Without you ... i have so much more to live for, so much more purpose in my life. How could i never know that when your gone, i am a better me.   

-ScathedBeauty  

[scathedbeauty-blog]

What are we anymore?

I miss you

i miss your sweet kind heart

i miss your eyes

i miss your warmth

i miss the memories we created

are we even the same anymore?

do you even exist anymore?

do you see that your different?

Who are you?

Are you mine?

Am i yours?

What happened to us?

What happened to we?

Can we fix it... do you want to ?

Can you even compete with what i can have?

Do you have any potential to provide for me what i need?

Do i care that you cant give me what he can?

Does the love i have for you overpower the hurt you cause me because he is doing everything you cant?

Im at a loss...

Your my everything

Or at least you were

Im not sure what you are anymore,

Or what i am even

What are we? 

[scathedbeauty-blog]

I wonder

I wonder,  If i died, would anyone care? i wonder,

would the sisters of my sorority that claim to know any love me ... would they still consider me as one of them.

I wonder,

would anyone i know now have much to say about me other then rest in peace?

Sometimes i wonder these sad things...

sometimes it drives me nuts... i wish i knew if it were true...what would really happen

they all read my posts on facebook,

about my depression and suicidal thoughts...

but if i actually did it.

killed myself.

who would care?

i wonder? 

[scathedbeauty-blog]

Sometimes....

Sometimes i feel like crying

Sometimes i feel like screaming

Sometimes i feel like shouting

Most of the time i feel like i could get rid of that if i could tell you how i really feel

---

Sometimes you piss me off

Sometimes you annoy me

Sometimes i cant get away from you to save my life

Most of the time if i knew you actually cared and werent just in it for your own benefit... i might come around more

---

Sometimes i want to hurt myself

Sometimes i want to just not exist anymore

Sometimes i want to disappear into the nothingness i feel

Most of the time i would go through with it but all it takes is that one person, that one reason for me to live

---

Sometimes you hurt me more than i hurt myself

Sometimes you mock and chip away at my self esteem until i have nothing left 

Sometimes you make me feel like im worthless a wast of time

Most of the time im the one there helping you when you need me most why cant you be there for me?

---

Sometimes i am curious about your ability to be so critical

Sometimes i envy your ability to be so cold

Sometimes i laugh at your lackings

Most of the time i hate you just for being you

---

Why are we even friends

Why do you keep coming back

Why do i keep letting you

Sometimes... Sometimes happens too often.

[scathedbeauty-blog]

Silent Screams

I open my eyes I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light I can’t remember how I can’t remember why I’m lying here tonight And I can’t stand the pain And I can’t make it go away No I can’t stand the pain How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Everybody’s screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I’m slipping off the edge I’m hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can’t explain what happened And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done No I can’t How could this happen to me?

Days have gone by ... its getting harder to find a reason to live. Everything is so messed up i just dont understand how people as close as family could be so blind to my hurts. I am engaged and have been for five years...isnt that a long time for someone to know you? Well then why doesnt my Fiance see my hurts... Or how about my best friend of four and a half years lately... all she has done is hurt me... 

Recently she has decided that i "owe her" everything i have because i stay at her house two nights a week... I eat maybe two meals a week if i am lucky and somehow im expected to pay for ANYTHING we go out and do. 

Life sucks.

I have so many bills and i am not getting enough hours at my underpaid job. While I understand everyone has my problems... im just not used to this yet. How come everyone else can be so happy and positive with the same problems as i do? Thats the real issue here. Why cant i push past it? Why is my resiliency so lacking?

My bills due by the 15th:

Car insurance- 400

Medical: 200

Credit card: 50

I just dont know how i can come up with almmost $700 in less then 14 days.... this is why i wish i were dead sometimes. I feel like everything would just be easier. if i were gone. no more stress. no more sadness. I know its not the way to go but i feel completely alone and isolated. I feel people trying to connect but failure hits every time as i push away. Most of the time i just want to be alone to sulk and feel pain alone. To suffer on my own so no one can see or feel my pain.

Id rather hide it then sit around and watch it get  ignored.

Since i started cutting this has been happening... me screaming and crying for attention and help (metaphorically) and no one can tell. They are all blind.

[scathedbeauty-blog]

We're All Wasted

"Its 2:45, a baby takes its first breath,

The mother never knew her daughter only had a few left 

The father gets a call in the middle of the night,

His breath gets short and his chest gets tight,

But shes 16 and shes driving too fast-

takes a turn to the left it would be her last

Every body knows what would happen if she turns to the right

No body would have died that night..."

--- -- ---

Sometimes I feel like people dont know me at all... They see blonde and bubbly.  They see smiles and giggles.They see perky and happy. They see my fake, torturous front.

I feel like a liar every second i stand breathing. But what else am I supposed to do? I say one thing about being sad or depressed and I get shit for it. Its fucked up but what do i do? No one cares about my problem, and why should they? Everyone has their own shit to deal with. . . but why should i have to hide my feelings? 

So i guess thats why I am here... i guess thats why im writing. To confess the feelings im having because i cannot be truthful with friends or family about ... well anything that i am feeling. 

Long story short... some times i feel like a waste of breath, air and life... 

Sometimes i feel like im better off dead and everyone else would be better off if i were too. 

People will talk circles around me for hours disagreeing with me and telling me its not true but if its not... why do i feel my only release is hurting myself.

Its things like this that make me wonder if there is a god. 

             I believe in a higher power 

                           I want to believe he cares about all that inhabit this earth

             But if he does... then why do i have these awful feelings and why do i feel this pain?

Eh i dont know. But i do plan to figure it out...

Until next time,

ScathedBeauty